Being there for your kids - What, Me Worry?

Episode Date: July 23, 2019

Worrying is common problem for all of us. It's helpful in considering all the possibilities, but it's not helpful when it gets us stuck in a downward spiral. For both parents and teens, getting unstuck from worry involves turning your "what if" thoughts into "i wonder" images. What if keeps you still, while I wonder gets you moving. For extra motivation, add a reasonable, possible, positive outcome to your efforts. So, what if I fail the test tomorrow, becomes, I wonder how well I will do on the test tomorrow. This generated curiosity creates energy toward achieving that curious positive outcome. As the parent, after helping settle your child's feelings with active listening, ask for permission to share your thoughts and then, with permission, help him turn what if's into I wonders and make a plan for getting the outcome he hopes for. With your help, his worry can become a teachable moment.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Do you worry? What? Me worry? Everybody who never worries, raise your hand. If your hand is raised, sorry, but you're lying. Everybody worries. The question is not, do we worry, but what do we do with our worry? Ben, age 13, has his first real crush. He thinks about Britney all the time. He sits behind her in math class and dreams about talking to her, but he can't. He thinks she's out of his first real crush. He thinks about Britney. He thinks she's out of his. league because she's one of the popular kids in school, and he's just, well, Ben. On Saturday, Ben's out doing errands with his dad. Benji, you seem preoccupied. Anything going on? He asks while driving. Ben looks out his passenger window. Sighs.

Nah, I'm good, he mutters. Well, if this is good, buddy, I'd be concerned about bad. Ben sighs again. It's just that, you know, girl problems. Ah, that'll drive you crazy, dad begins. You know what I say. Forget about girls. Get your head around your athletics. That'll bring the girls to you. You know what I mean? Although well-intentioned, Dad's comments probably drove Ben's worry further underground. One of the cardinal rules of active listening and major caution is this, never offer unsolicited solutions. Even if you have the perfect solution to your child's problems, it's yours, not his. The hidden message behind your solution is you are so stupid, incompetent, and not. not worth figuring it out that I'm going to give you the answer. No parent would actually ever say that to their child on purpose,

but with active listening, however, you are joining your child in their search for answers by helping them understand their feelings rather than by giving them solutions. When you note their emotional fever going down, you can then ask, I have some thoughts about what you're going through. Do you want to hear them? After getting your teen's permission, then give your solutions. children and teens alike love being asked permission before the parent talks. Ben's worry is real.

Help him explore all the what-ifs he has troubled over and turn them into I-Wonders with a hopeful, positive outcome. So, the worry, what if she doesn't talk to me, becomes the curiosity. I wonder how the conversation will go when I talk to her. All worry comes from what-if thoughts. I-wonder thoughts generate curiosity, where your child comes. can struggle with their own possible solutions. Even worrying can turn into a teachable moment for you and your child.

I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of the book Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at Amazonbooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMCP-I-N-C-com.