Being there for your kids - What To Do About Lying

Episode Date: February 27, 2019

It's sad but true. We all lie. It's part of the human condition. There are a variety of different types of lying, none of which justify the behavior. When your child lies, you are faced with a critical choice. Do you laugh it off and maybe reinforce this attention-seeking behavior? Do you come down hard on your child and maybe show your power but at the expense of the relationship? Try looking at the lying as a symptom, rather than as an outcome. "Gosh, son. This isn't like you. What else is going on here? Where did that lie come from?" When you see the lie as evidence of an emotional fever, active listening is your go-to response both to get to the bottom of the event and also to turn the lying into a teachable moment. Using natural consequences rather than pure punishment as consequence for lying will also help your child understand the impact of his lying on himself and on others around him. When he is clearly caught in a lie and he denies it, use "the two troubles principle." His behavior buys him one trouble. Does he want to buy two troubles by lying about it?

This is Teachable Moments. I'm Dr. John Robinson. What do we do about lying? Sad but true, we all lie to some extent and at one time or another. Lies of omission. We choose not to tell something that is relevant. Lies of commission. We are typically trying to get out of something. Lies of convenience. We just don't want to bother with or see the need for telling the truth. Lies of power. We build ourselves up and put others down simply to make ourselves feel better. While hopefully lying is not the norm in your family, it doesn't. does occur. So what do we do as parents about lying? We had to move to a new neighborhood and our children had entered a new school. Our son was in the first grade and we attended the first parents' night of the school year. So what's it like moving here from Texas over this past summer? His teacher innocently asked to start the meeting. In fact, we had moved from across town. Our son had told this lie to both the teacher and all the class at six years old. We corrected the lie with the teacher and had a sit down with our son after we got home. His lie was either one of convenience or one of power, but a lie is a lie. At that point, we had several options. We could have laughed it off. Whoa, that was a good one,

son. You really got the teacher with that one. That response would have reinforced his actions and gotten his brain going about the genius of his next lie. We could have angrily overreacted. I did not raise you to become a liar. Who do you think you are? Go to your room. That response would have injured his self-esteem, distance us in the relationship, and conveyed my power at his expense. In effectively confronting lying behavior, see the words as evidence of your child having a problem or an emotional fever. Your go-to response? Active listening. Wow, son, lying is just not like you. What's going on? Where did that come from? After helping him connect his actions with his feelings and seeing his fever come down, switch to helping him appreciate the consequence of his

actions. The children's story about crying wolf comes to mind as a metaphor that helps him understand the value of telling the truth. This becomes a teachable moment for your child. When your child lies to get out of trouble, who made this mess? Not me, daddy. It was sissy. And you have hard proof of the truth. Use what I call the two troubles principle. Recap the situation with your child and ask how much trouble he wants to buy. He's in one trouble for his actions. Does he want two troubles by lying about his actions. Natural consequences for lying start with heartfelt apology and may include some tangible action, such as physical labor or extra chores, as a reminder of the cost of lying. What to do about lying? These are some practical thoughts that preserve your child's self-esteem, your relationship with

him, and also provides him with a teachable moment. I'm Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.