Being there for your kids - What You Say to Your Child Matters!

Episode Date: January 11, 2020

Our kids are always paying attention to us, even when they seem not to be. When they have issues, you want to pay better attention. Empathy is a passive, "I understand what you are feeling" kind of message that my not get through. Active listening is more precise. "Wow! You sound like you feel awful right now." Active listening is your go-to response whenever you child is upset. Be there for her. Don't problem solve, don't criticize, don't minimize what she is feeling. She is hurting, and your active listening is the balm that soothes the pain she is feeling and helps her work through it.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. You know what? What you say to your child matters. Consider your child to be a sponge. Sponges don't soak up some things and not other things. Sponges soak up any liquid with which it comes into contact. Your words are the liquid to your child's sponge. When my daughter was six years old, she was showing attitude,

and I said, Rachel, don't be smart. And then I thought, do I really want her not to be smart? Thankfully, I caught the error in my words and corrected the situation. When your child is hurting, give her words of comfort and understanding. Use active listening or empathy as a communication tool to zero in on what you think she's feeling. Active listening is the bomb that soothes the pain of your emotionally hurting child. Don't give her solutions to a problem, as giving solutions conveys the message, you can't figure this out, so I'll do it for you.

Such a hidden message conveys both emotional distance and dependency. Don't be critical of their efforts in a misguided mission to give them an educational experience. If you do this, they will be less likely to come to you in the future. Finally, don't minimize your child's efforts to fix the situation. Don't make it about you. It's about her, her feelings, and her efforts to come to terms with what's going on at that moment in her life. Active listening is the best communication tool to affirm, pace, and validate your child. What you say to your child matters, so choose your words wisely.

I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of the book Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.