Being there for your kids - What's Behind Your Child's Anger?

Episode Date: August 14, 2019

Only 2% of the time is anger a primary feeling. That's called righteous indignation, when what you are witnessing is just...not...right. The other 98% of the time there is another feeling that the anger is covering. Since anger is the most socially acceptable negative feeling we all have, we feel better saying "I'm angry," than owning up to, "I'm frustrated, I'm embarrassed, I feel self-conscious" or other primary feelings. When your child expresses or demonstrates, active listen her feelings. When you see her emotional fever going down, then switch from this secondary feeling to her primary feeling by asking, "I understand, sweetheart, that you are angry, but what else is going on?" Now, that's kind of an essay question, and we know that most kids don't do so well with essay questions. If you get a puzzled look, a shrug, or other noncommittal response, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know your child well enough to come up with several options for what else she is feeling. After active listening to understand all the feelings involved, and her emotional fever has subsided, you can then brainstorm things she can say or do to address her feelings constructively. "What else is going on?" is a great avenue for teachable moments.

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. You know, we all get angry, but my question is, what else is going on? Many years ago, my eight-year-old daughter was acting out, and I sent her to her room. I don't remember the details. Sometime later, I was doing laundry in the basement. I had not processed Rachel's time out with her, and she had not been let out of her room. Nonetheless, she made her way down to where I was doing laundry. silently she floated a paper airplane from the doorway to me and then ran quickly back upstairs.

There were markings on the plane, so I unfolded it. Rachel had written, I hate you. Wow, I was crestfallen, heartbroken and stunned. I finished my load of laundry, giving me time to think about how to handle this. I then went upstairs to her room. She was pretending to be asleep on her bed. I went to her side, placed the airplane on the bed, and said, you drop this. I started to leave her room, but Rachel bounded out of her bed sobbing and ran to hug me.

Daddy, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I was mad. Please forgive me. I folded her into my arms for a big hug and walked her back to her bed. We talked and worked it all out. Looking back, apparently, I had sent my little girl to her room without adequate active listening and context. She felt unheard and schemed to float her feelings to me on the paper airplane to get my attention. It worked. As we talked afterward in her room, she recounted her perspective. I said, I understand your anger, but what else were you feeling? Anger is funny like that. About 98% of the time anger is secondary to a more primary feeling.

Because anger is the most socially accepted negative feeling that we have, we use it to cover unheard, frustrated, embarrassed, guilty, worried, and a host of other feelings. Only about 2% of the time is anger the primary feeling. feeling. Another way to tag it would be righteous indignation. We're mad because something is just not right. Think of a young mother yelling at her toddler in the grocery store because he's grabbing at things. Think of any instance of child neglect, abuse, abandonment. Mostly, righteous indignation occurs where there is a power differential and the victim is helpless. So, I active listened, validating Rachel's anger, but asking also, what else are you feeling? During the course of

our talk, I heard her emotional fever going down. She then could accept my parenting perspective in correcting her behavior, and I helped her talk about ways that she could avoid future such difficulties. For a relationship-building teachable moment with your child, acknowledge her anger, but then find the primary feelings behind the anger by asking, what else is going on? I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, and this. has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, building blocks of Christian parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com

and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.