Being there for your kids - What's Natural About Punishment?

Episode Date: April 28, 2019

As parents, we often feel it is our responsibility and obligation to punish our children when they mess up. So, it feels natural to us to yell, admonish, and threaten our kids, and then to spank, give work, or time out as a corrective measure. But, tell me this. What's natural about punishment?  My answer? Nothing is natural about punishment. It merely diminishes your child, only enhances your power, creates distance in your relationship with him, and leaves no room for teachable moments. Instead of punishment when called for, consider natural consequences to your child's behavior. Stealing? Have her return the item with apology. Yelling and hitting siblings? Have him do her chores as well as his for a time week. Being disrespectful? Have her look up key positive words in the dictionary and write a one-page description and example. Natural consequences yield positive outcomes to child misbehavior and create teachable moments.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. My precious six-year-old daughter many years ago came home from a private home daycare. She was sporting a fancy woman's watch on her wrist. Hey, sweetheart, what you got there? I asked. She proudly extended her arm to show off her prize. It's a watch. Paul gave it to me. It's my birthday, you know, she explained. Actually, her birthday was months away. I could have exploded her story right then and put her in her room both for lying and for stealing. But I wanted to see her. how far she would take this. I see. Hmm, Paul gave you this expensive ladies' watch as a birthday gift. Uh-huh. He's my boyfriend, you know. So, having given her an opportunity to fess up, I crafted a teachable moment. Okay, let's go right back to Paul's house and see if it's okay with Paul's mom for him to give you such an expensive birthday gift. My daughter got quiet and then erupted, oh no, we don't have to do that. Isn't it pretty? She protested as I picked her up. I got her in her car seat and made the short trip to Paul's house. On arrival, Paul's mom answered the door and explained the circumstances. Oh my goodness, thank you so much. I had looked everywhere for my watch. With prompting from me, my daughter reluctantly

owned up to her theft and offered an apology. On our return to her poem, I alternatively consoled her, active listened to her feelings, and praised her for correcting a bad choice. On arrival, I sent her to a room for some alone time and to think about the impact of her actions. Later, after talking with her more, I helped her write a letter of apology and draw a pretty picture for Paul's mom. A punishment for my daughter's crime would have been a spanking or grounding with no explanation. Punishment would have satisfied me, shown my power, but also diminished her self-esteem and created emotional distance between us. I chose a series of natural consequences that made it about her, maintained her self-esteem, and brought us emotionally closer. Punishment or natural consequence. Which would you choose?

I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.