Being there for your kids - When They are on Your Last Nerve

Episode Date: March 21, 2019

Children are hard-wired to test our limits. But why do they do that? First, it's a vital part of growing up and transferring power from the parents to the child. Second, kids test the limits to be sure that they are there. The last thing a child wants to be is in charge. Being given no limits creates fear and anxiety in the child. So, they act out to assure that you will set them straight, confront, set healthy boundaries for their behavior. Aaah, thanks, mom. That was scary there for a moment. When you child is plucking your last nerve, their words and actions are code for "Help me. I'm in over my head and need you to be back in charge."

Hi, this is Teachable Moments. I'm Dr. John Robinson. Do your kids test the limits? You betcha. There's a cute video clip I saw recently on the TV show America's Funniest Videos. A toddler is sitting within reach of a tumbler glass that is too big for him to hold. As he reaches for it, off camera his mother tells him, no, no, no. He stops and then looks at his mom. He reaches again and is told no again. He stops and looks at his mom again, this time as he tries again to reach out for the object. This dance occurs between mom and toddler multiple times and with each effort increasingly exaggerated, much to the delight of the audience. I think it won first place that night on the show. This clip is so funny because all of us parents have been there, done that. We caution our kids, and they try things anyway.

In fact, I believe kids are hardwired to test the limits. In teachable moments, building blocks of Christian parenting, one of my imperatives is, kids will always test the limits, especially if it almost always leads to trouble. The answer is that kids always test the limits to be sure that they're there. Limits are about having and setting healthy boundaries. Permissive parenting leads to wide exploration of boundaries. This is a good thing because it encourages exploration, creativity, and problem solving. However, it can also encourage worry and anxiety.

In addition to the fun stuff, the unknown is also out there and might be dangerous. As parents, we want to encourage our children's exploration of the world, but within healthy limits. We want to have their backs. Mom brought her five-year-old Andy to my office and told me that she just can't get control over him, and he runs wild all the time. Andy proceeded to demonstrate his mom's concerns by opening doors, touching things, and generally misbehaving, all while having a smirk on his face, and while Mom's words of restraint fell on deaf ears. I gathered Andy up in my arms, gave him gentle words of calm in his ear, and firmly explained the rules of my office.

He calmed down a little bit, but still looked to Mom to see if I meant what I said. Our kids are doing great. Fantastic. Celebrate and enjoy a teachable moment. Will they also test the limits? You bet you. Be ready with firm boundaries and don't threaten if you're not going to follow through. By confronting, setting firm boundaries and being in charge, you are easing their worry and anxiety while also freeing them up to safely explore and have more fun. I'm Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian parenting author, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.