Being there for your kids - When You Really Want to Help, Less is More

Episode Date: February 1, 2019

When your child is melting down, are you quick to go into damage control? Or are helping her settle down and re-group? Active listening is the go-to response to your child's upset. Try to avoid solving her problem, lecturing, or criticizing, as they only increase your emotional distance from her. When you are trying to active listen, most parents use 5 words or less to convey what you think she might be feeling in the moment. The more words you use, the more confusion and distance you might create, despite your best intentions.  Remember, when you really want to help, less is more.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist, and this is Teachable Moments. Did you know less is more? Your three-year-old daughter, Megan, is trying to build a tower with blocks. It keeps falling down. After three tries, the fourth time it falls down again. She picks up a block and hurls it before throwing herself on the floor and dissolving into tears. Being the ever-vigilant mom, you see this meltdown and conclude, hmm, looks like my little girl has an emotional fever. You go to Megan to console her.

This is your moment of decision. Some moms would scold. Young lady, you don't throw blocks like that. You could have broken something or hurt your brother. That scolding, although completely warranted, does not console, and it creates emotional distance between you and Megan. Other moms might go into lecture mode. Darling, how do you expect to get that tower made if you just give up on it like that?

You know what they say. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Again, lost opportunity, and, by the way, you might duck after the lecture because Megan might just wing that next block at you. When your child has a problem and you notice symptoms of an emotional fever, active listening is the go-to remedy. Scolding or lecturing takes lots of empty words to make your point. These tactics are all about you and your power. Active listening uses an economy of words. The fewer, the better.

Your goal is to try to say back to Megan what you think she might be feeling. in the moment. Wow, you're really frustrated right now, huh? As a rule of thumb, most people can accurately state a feeling in five words or less. More words creep into lecture mode or unnecessary explanation that dilutes the impact of shared feelings. However, as long as you see symptoms of an emotional fever, continue active listening. Stay current with what your child is saying. Most kids can say they are mad, glad, sad, or bad. Active listening helps them expand their feeling word vocabulary and enriches the emotional intimacy you're building with your child. When helping your child through a difficulty, use active listening, and did you know, less is more.

This has been Teachable Moments with Dr. John Robinson. Teachable Moments, building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.