Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata - Nicole Interprets The Bible

Episode Date: August 27, 2025

This week, Nicole and Sasheer go all the way back to the Old Testament to revisit some classic stories with a 2025 POV. They also get into Jubilee vs Jolibee, some flamingo pants Nicole is on the hunt for, and bidet etiquette.Watch this full video on YouTube and follow below!Follow Nicole: Twitter, Instagram, TikTokFollow Sasheer: Instagram, TikTokLike the show? Rate Best Friends 5 stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts!Have a friendship question for Nicole and Sasheer to solve? Leave us a voicemail at [phone]‬ or write in at [e-mail] Friends is a production of Headgum Studios. Our producer is Allie Kahan. Our executive producer is Anya Kanevskaya. The show is edited, mixed, and engineered by Casey Donahue.This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Best Friends via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I did. I was trying to put it in front of me and then I got caught and then I decided to start the podcast by doing that. Nice. Oh, my God. How are you? Oh, good.

How are you? I'm good. today's Monday? Yes. Thank you, Casey. It's hard. I woke up this morning and I was like, oh man, I don't know what today is. And then I went about my business and then never checked.

Well, it didn't matter. I guess it didn't matter. Your business still got done. Business still got done. I walked my dog. Nice. I was going to do a half hour workout. But then 15 minutes in, I said, that's enough.

So I stopped. Okay. And then I had therapy. Oh, yeah, I had therapy. Today is Monday. Yeah, there you go. I had things to do, so it was a weekday. Can't be a weekend.

No, no, I've been easy, breezy, beautiful. Yeah. Over this past weekend, I had a surprise party for a celebrity who was not in attendance, and I didn't tell anybody who was coming who it was for. So it was a surprise birthday party, and it was also a surprise for the guest as to, to whose birthday it was. And it went off without a hitch. Oh, good.

It was a lovely time. Oh, good. But I will say the thing I forgot was the cake. I ordered a whole cake. And then people were like leaving. And then I was like, I'm going to swim now. And then I was in the pool and I was like, I forgot the cake. Oh, no.

So no one got to eat the cake. Nope. When people were leaving, I said, stop it. You can't leave. You have to have cake. That's funny. And then we sang happy birthday to the cutout of the person. Are you not going to say the person?

So it's a secret for us too It's a secret for everybody But you know who it is But you know who it is Why won't you say? Because I recently It was brought to my attention That they did some bad stuff

Damn it Damn it God It sucks At the party I was like I love him so much And then my friend was like

Wasn't he canceled And I was like What? I didn't know that We did light Googling And I was like Oh no That sucks

Yeah Yeah. That's really funny. Yeah. I was pretty upset about it. Yeah. It's a bummer. I mean,

chances are if they're a man. It's going to be some dirt. Which is wild. Because I'm like, who raised you? Oh, like, most of the time it's a woman. So how come you're being bad to women? Yeah. Isn't that wild to think about?

Yeah. You have a mom. You have a mom. So why wouldn't you treat? Every woman in the world, like they're your mommy. But I think for some reason there's a disconnect and it's like, well, you're not my mom. I'll treat you like shit. My mom's a queen.

Yeah, you didn't raise me. You're a garbage slut. Yeah. Like, that's just nuts to me. Yeah. But then also it's like, just treat everybody the way you want to be treated. Don't they teach you that in kindergarten? Yes, I think so.

Isn't that like a staple of kindergarten? Yeah. Yeah. And yet? Do you think, okay, whoa. Do you think when we ascend the grades, we're not re-implementing things from past grades? Like when you leave elementary school, there's no more recess, which is sick as hell. I know.

I couldn't believe. I said, you want me to stay in this prison all day? I don't get to go outside, not one time? What are we doing? Yeah. Why don't we bring recess to all the grades? So we're outside for a little bit, having a nice time. That would be nice, because even if you're not playing on a jungle gym, just,

getting outside is good for your brain. It's good for your brain. It's good for your skin. Mm-hmm. I've talked about this. The sun is good. The sun is good for your skin. Yeah.

The sun makes everything better. Yeah. But yeah, like I feel like every year we should start off the school year with treat people the way you want to be treated. Let's try to be nice this year. Okay, team and break. Yeah, maybe because there's like a this thought that's like, well, you already learned it. Yes.

You should know. But it's like, you can. reintroduce the idea. You could hammer it in. So they Oh yeah, I guess I should treat people how I want to be treated. And I think we should teach kids coping skills. Like if a kid's mean to you, you go, hey, is everything okay at

home? And then maybe the bully goes, no. Wait, so if a child is being bullied, you want them to look their bully in the eye and say hey, is everything okay at home? That's going to make them get hit harder.

But maybe you'll make the bully break down and be like, everything's not okay at home. I should talk to somebody. I just realized this one moment. No, you don't think that's a good idea? It might work, but also I think the risk of it not working is too high. Okay, fair. I really thought I was on to something. Hey, is everything okay at home?

Probably not. Probably not. Because things that happen at home, you bring it with you. It's true. abuse begets abuse yeah yeah begets begets yeah that's a good word yeah baguettes it's very biblical oh what do you know about the bible actually not as much as i want to know about the bible i for a moment i was like am i got to take a bible study class because i want to like i for some reason i just really want to know more about those stories and more about like i think it's also like people keep using the

Bible as a weapon. Yes. And so I'm like, if I know more about it, maybe I can find the parts that actually like instill good values, we can reintroduce those values to people and be like, actually, the Lord hath said. The Lord hath said. Well, I think it's in the Bible. Like, I think it's in the Bible that like, it's something like if a man has less than you, then it's on you to help your fellow man.

But we don't do that. We just push people down. Yeah. Like people who are homeless or on house or however you want to say it. Like we're just like, get them up, round them up. Get them out of here. I don't want to look at them. But it's like, but help them.

Like be nice. Give unto others as you would and to yourself. I think that's what's in the Bible. Yes. I think so. Well, look at me. I'm a scholar. Look at her.

Especially in America where apparently like we're a Christian nation. And we're allegedly. Allegedly, but we're not instilling Christian values in our actual day-to-day actions. We certainly aren't because I keep seeing these Jubilee videos where people, have you seen them? What? No. You haven't seen the Jubilee videos? No, what's happening with Jubilee?

Jubilee is a company that is unhinged. Jubilee be making videos where there's one person with sense. And then there's 20 people around them saying the most nonsensical things and they're so empowered emboldened by it. There was this one video where this man was like, yeah, I'm openly a fascist. And then later got fired from his company and was like crowdsourcing and it's like, well, that's not very fascist of you. Seems like that's a socialist

value where you're crowdsourcing all this shit because you don't have a job. Yeah. Well, I'm saying, is this the... Jubilee. Is this the fast food company? Oh, that's Jolie. Oh. That's Jolieby. I was like, imagine you order your spaghetti with a

round table side. I would like talk about fascism, please. No, Jubilee. I keep saying it and not explaining. I don't know where it came from. I just see the little Jubilee emblem and then the wildest sound clips come from these roundtables. Oh, wow. And it'll be like one Democrat, 20 far right conservatives. And it's just people talking themselves deeper into these weird holes where it's not even a debate. People don't know how to debate anymore because they're just

like that's my thought that's true and you can't sway me and you can't you could have facts but that's just my thought and it's wild and there was this one man

who was dressed like Lou Bega from Mambo number five he had a big old hat and he was also saying off the wall shit it's wild you gotta get into Jubilee I guess so

I gotta get into Jubilee get a sandwich get some insights that would be funny if you walked into a Joel would be and you're like, we're the videos out. I heard there were videos here. Can I get some videos?

Can I get some videos? Please. But yeah, I do think we should revisit the Bible. Because there's so much in there that I think is good. Yeah. Like Jesus hung out with sex workers and then now we demonize them. That's not very Jesus-like. It's not very Jesus-like.

You will wash their feet after a hard day of dancing. Yeah. Or just like how many... Hard day of dancing. Is that what happened? He was watching. their feet after a hard day of dancing. You don't know the parable of Jesus pulling off some pleasers and rubbing some strippers feet and then giving them

loaves of bread and the fish that he multituded. You don't know that. It's in Psalms 118. In Psalm 69. Who's the shit, that got me good. No, I don't know that one. I do remember him washing feet and something about like yeah I guess like we're all equal or something

but I also I don't know it that well but in my mind I'm like what's the lesson here like I mean he had to wash feet he just been like you know treat your brother kindly and I'm like you have to get down on your knees

and wash feet I think the lesson is I might be the ultimate person who was immaculate concepted and like have a fucking like pathway to God like he's my dude because that's my daddy yeah but I wash some feet it's not above me I think that's the I think that's the lesson yeah like you're not above doing service for somebody else yeah I think or did he just want to wash some feet you think Jesus had a foot

fetish I mean everyone was wearing sandals back then he was like wow them dogs are getting dusty take me to the water come on let out of me just let me see them pigies come on I'm teaching a lesson

all of you line up I mean yeah so sure you should start studying the Bible to see if that's the life Jesus out of the fetish I mean maybe you know

and good for him And then, oh, yeah, like, I think Lazarus, I think he was a leper. He had, like, spots and stuff. I think so. And then I think everyone had to treat him nice. I think that was, like, the story was like, even if you're sick, you got to be nice to those people. There's so many lessons where it's like, this person's fucking not doing well.

Be nice to them. Be nice to them. Yeah. But then there's Adam and Eve. That's a bad lesson. Don't trust women. Yeah. But then maybe it's a don't,

Because they both ate They both ate the forbidden apples Yeah, but like Adam ate because Eve convinced him to eat the apple Okay, here's the moral of that story Women are fun and have fun ideas This seems cool

Yeah, let's eat it Yeah But then also it's like, I don't know Man wrote the Bible So it's like Who's really what's the perspective

that these stories are coming from because like it probably was Adam every night being like we should eat that apple we should eat that apple

and on Wednesday she was like we'll eat that apple we'll eat it I'm gung gung here and then he was like whoa you stupid bitch

I can't believe he just did that I can't believe he just did that yeah maybe we should just interpret the Bible I would love to Well I saw some video

Or something lady was like Isn't it interesting That every man has an Adam's apple We don't have it No We don't Maybe because they took the first bite No I don't

Probably don't If I keep rubbing I'll find it But yeah It is interesting That men have an Adam's apple Yeah I think

I think that man annoyed that woman enough that she was like, fine, fine. See what happens. Let's eat the apple. And then there's Kane and Abel. They were brothers. Yes. What do they do? I feel like someone was trying to kill somebody.

Allie, can you look up Canaan and Abel? Wow. Kane killed Abel. Kane killed Abel. Abel wasn't able to defend himself. Yeah, Casey's raising. Cain killed Abel out of jealousy. What did Abel have that

Kane didn't? He was the favorite and a shepherd. And then God punished Kane by banishing him and cursing the land, which made it difficult for everybody to farm. Whoa. So Kane killed Abel

because of what God did to him? No, that's what happened to him after he killed. I see, I see. But he was able. was what god's favorite his dad's favorite um i think it was let's see this is coming off of what the a i said it says uh cane a farmer offered the fruits of the ground god and uh abel a shepherd offered the first born of his flock god favored abel's offering leading cane to kill abel out of jealousy oh whoa crop's first sheep wow whoa so i guess the moral

of that story is don't kill your brother try hard Yeah. Have a better offering. You have to kill him. Don't kill him. Because then you know, I made crops. Yeah. Whoa. Wow. Wow. Bible's nuts. Right. The Bible is wild. There's like so many crazy stories in there. Yeah. There's Sodom and Gomorrah, right? And that was just everyone having a nice time. Too nice. It was too nice. I think God was like, I don't like that. Yeah. and then Gomorrah looked back at it at the town and burned up I thought Sodom and Gomorrah was the name of the town

No I think that it was two people There was someone named Sodom Yeah and Gomorah What right? Sodom and Gomorrah are two of the five cities In Genesis I think you're thinking of Eurytices and Orpheus

Whoa Everyone knows so much, we all know so much about the Bible. It's Greek mythology, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, where it's like he turns around and then she like can't come, she can't come back. Yeah.

Okay. I was thinking of a different thing. It's wild that there's so many stories on how, like, to be like, here's how we all should act and we're all like, heard it. Got it. I'm gonna be bad. I'll hear how many versions of the story you'll give me. Nope. I won't do it.

Goodbye. There is, is it Medusa who turns people into stone? Yes. which is wild. Her, like, if you look at her, she turns you into stone. Yes. Of course, I'm looking at her. Her head's full of snakes.

That's nuts. I was supposed to ignore that? Yeah. I'm not going to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Bitch, you got snakes in your head. And you can hear them as like, yes. You're like, I want to see what's happening.

That must be so crazy. That's so funny. I wonder what the moral of that is. Don't look at women. If that lady looks fucked up, don't help. It's rude to stare I don't know I don't know what the moral of that story is

I'm waving at Mitch Oh Who saw that we were recording And waved at me anyway And then wait Sorry Sorry Sorry

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she kept getting assaulted by zeus and athina hid her and maybe gave her and maybe gave her the snakes or something so that Wait, Zeus is like the head honcho. Yeah. Athena's his wife? Daughter. Daughter? Yeah. She's taken up for her daddy and hiding this woman who he's abusing? Well, I guess

I don't know if she's like, well, I don't know. I guess she's like, this is a way to solve this. I'll just remove you and put you in this cave. Wow. And any man who looks like he's going to turn a stone. That's so rude. So her daddy was assaulting her

And then she said to put you away And you can't get no dick I guess No consensual dick for you No consensual dick for you That's nuts Yeah Whoa Greek mythology is nuts

Yeah it's very intense And now I'm Now I'm interested in Greek mythology Yeah There's so much to study Yeah I went to Greek Greece

I went to Greek I went to Greek. I went to Greece. And it was cool how much mythology was actually infused in the real world. Like they were like, yeah, this is where Athena and Apollo fought. And that's why that building looks like that. Or like there's a hole in this roof because of Zeus's lightning bolt. Or like this tree was here because Athena gifted to the land.

It was like, you know, just like that's just how it is. And not like that the story. the lore behind it is like that's why, you know, no, it's like, that is actually what happened. And I like it. I like that, too. I did not have that experience in Mekonos. Well, I don't know if you would.

Not one beach party was like, here's where Zeus did that thing. As you're like listening to house music. Dionysus would have loved this. But I do love Greece. I would love to go back. I had a time. Yeah, me too.

And there was very few children on Mekonos, and I really loved that. Yeah. Oh, my God. Is it because it's like just a party place? Yeah. It seemed like a nice party island. Also, you could just drive ATVs and park them anywhere you wanted. That's fun.

I wanted, like, oh, I think it was, it was like an ATV buggy? Or maybe it was a dune buggy we were driving around? I don't know, but it was so fun. Yeah. I had a blast. And then I went to Thesson de Niki, and I liked that. But we didn't really explore the city. We immediately left to get on a boat to go back to more water.

That's funny. I just love water. Yeah. Can't get it out. I feel like I look like a toddler right now. You do have a lot of bright colors on. You look very fun. Thank you.

I was in the bathroom and I was like, huh. I really look like I'm like, this is my first day of kindergarten. I'm wearing my best striped shirt, my favorite purple jeans. I feel like I've worn an outfit like this in kindergarten. Yeah, so have I I think the older I get The more I'm like I want to wear the things my mother would not buy me

Because we always had to get stuff on sale Yeah And by the time shit's on sale You're not getting the good No I'm getting the good goods Yeah You're getting the bad

The bad bad The bad guys And we always had a shop at Sears Uh uh huh Grumble Grumble Grumble We always have to

goodwill and at first I hated it but then that's I do feel like started the love of like thrift shopping yeah and like hunting for something like there's got to be something good in here this is my only choice yeah when I was in the city and was nannying I was like man oh I would kill for some new clothes and then I like walked past the Salvation Army with the little boy I was watching and I was like oh maybe we'll go in there and then I went in and I was like half off Wednesdays. This skirt is 50 cents. So then I taught myself how to like sew a little, like I started moving buttons and stuff. I think that's what started my love of thrifting. Being poor. Yeah. Usually out of resourcefulness. Yeah. I found a company that I love. I might have mentioned it

before. But it's called Quacker Factory. Oh, wait. I think you have mentioned it before, but it surprises me every time. I know, because it's such a wild name for a company. And they still do. And they still do. stuff on QVC but their vintage stuff is next it's just next to none is that a phrase bar none it's good second to none

what's it mean first there's no first there's no first sometimes it's so upsetting that my brain doesn't just get If they're on its own. I was like, so I'm saying it's second?

Maybe in second. No, it's the best. So there's no first. There's no first. No, what you're saying is first. Good Lord. Oh, my God. Sometimes I feel like I'm having an aneurysm.

But I found these jeans that have embroidered flamingos. That's great. But I can't find them in my size. Damn. So, listeners. If you find Quacker Factory jeans plus size in a size 18 or 20, will you send them to HeadGum Studios so I can have them? I'll pay you for them. What's the address here?

Should I not tell people? I don't think so. Let's not say an address. How do I get them? Maybe they can email the email. Okay. Yeah. email our email

but you have to have a picture of the jeans you can't lie to me and a newspaper of today's date so I know that it's happening well now you need to have the goods yes so have the goods

and then you'll get me a dress I want them so bad I can only find them in a small size oh here's another one I'm looking for they're pink jeans with ice cream cones on them 18 or 20 if you got them email me this is how you this is how you usually this how you have I was going to say my platform to help others but I was like I'm not helping anybody you're just helping yourself

but I want these things I hope you get these things okay thank you email Nicole and Sashir at gmail.com yes or call our number Which is... Well, no, don't call the number. That would be insane. Oh, you could text. If you don't like emailing, you could text. 3-2-3-2-8-66-5-4.

No, it's 6-554. Did I really read that wrong? You did. What did I say? You said 6-654. It's 6-5. It's not 6-6? Those are 2-5s.

Oh, no. Oh, no, girl. Is the vision going? Oh. My vision is pretty bad. I do feel like my vision is going. Isn't that sucking? It does.

Isn't it that sucking? It is sucking. I'm saying words in a way nobody's ever said words before. Isn't that sucking? That is sucking. Yeah. I think what I was trying to say, it sucks, that the longer you're alive, your body just goes, no. Yeah.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't like that. Isn't that wild? I feel like if I'm alive, my body should be working properly. It would be nice. Who do I speak to? The Lord. Dear God, what's going on?

When I was in Japan, I went to a head spa. Like, they, like, wash your hair, do stuff to your scalp, and they also clean your ears. Oh. And I really wanted them to show me what they were taking out of my ears, but they didn't. They just took it away. But they were in there for a while, so I think it was a lot. Did you ask? No, I didn't know how.

Fair. Do you hear better? So far, so good. Do you notice a difference? Well, I know what I noticed before I got my ear cleaning, and sometimes in my right ear, like, it felt like someone would cover it. Oh. Like, it was like, oh, sounds gone, but only for a second. And then I'd come back.

And I was like, that's weird. Or like a high-pitched sound, like a... And it would, like, go away. Which I think I read somewhere that was like a follicle's dying or something like that. Oh, my God. But nothing like that's happened since. So I wonder if it was also like buildup related. Are there head spas here?

I think so. I would imagine. But I've never looked. Me either. When I was in Greece, I went to a bathhouse and they wanted to give me a head massage, but I was like, not my braids, no. And then they beat me with wigs. I don't know what it was. It was branches or something. It was nice. I had never felt cleaner. Yeah. I think you would like a head spa. It's like they put hot water on your chest and it like, loosens up your muscles and they like kind of rub that area and then they put hot water on your head and then they kind of water board you where they put a towel on the top of your head and then just pour water there and just like drips down to the side and it felt really nice I think I would like that you know I like anything that has to do with water water water water is which is wild that I'm not a water sign that is wild I don't know what sign I am well I know I'm a Virgo but I don't know what a Virgo is earth I'll help yeah right are you're an air sign um also earth you're earth yeah burgo is an earth sign i'm an earth sign now and that don't feel right it doesn't what's a leo also earth it is it's okay i don't know why i'm asking about leo yeah why are you because i'm close to leo Maybe. Leo is fire.

Oh, fire. What are they arbitrary? They're like, earth, fire, like, what? Yeah, because Leo's a lion. Mm-hmm. And they walk on the earth. I would have assumed it was Earth. Yeah.

They're like fiery personalities. So Earth signs are like, what, grounded? Yeah. Fire, obviously fiery. Water is. They cry all the time. They're sad. they leak your water from the eyes

and then an air sign is like idiot fucking airhead I think it's just kind of like like they go with the flow go where the wind takes them interesting I don't

I guess I kind of believe in like the signs and whatnot because for a long time people were like Virgos are practical And then I was like, I don't know if I'm practical. But I've learned I am practical to myself. Okay. And I like things a certain way.

And I micromanage. Oh. I didn't know that. Interesting. Can you believe? I can't. I haven't seen it. Maybe you don't notice it.

I was cleaning up after the fourth and my partner. I was like, can you put that away? And he was like, yep. And then I was like, can you put it away like this? And he was like, yep. And I was like, well, I won't, you know, stand here. manage you and then I stood there with my hands on my hips to make sure he put it away correctly and then I apologized I said boy oh boy I'm really sorry about that and he was

fine with it but I was like I'm very particular about how things get put away because people don't put things away in a in a way that makes sense people put putting things away all willy-nilly don't put it away with really nilly people will ask for a blanket And then not fold it up the way you're supposed to fold a blanket. You don't feel like this, do you? I guess I have things that I want put away where I want them to be put. But I also understand that other people have different ideas of where things should go. I also fundamentally understand that, but I don't get it.

Yeah. Why would you put that there? Why on earth would you do that? I do have a memory of you talking to your old roommate, John Milhizer. Yes, John Milhizer, my old roommate, John Milhizer. And he had his keys on the coffee table, and you were like, that's not where the keys go. They go over here in this drawer. And I was like, but they're his keys.

He could put his keys where he's going to remember them. You put your keys in the drawer. You're cluttering up the coffee table. So now I can't put my latte down because your keys are there? I mean, there's plenty of spaces on the coffee table. It wasn't like... Well, I put my glass down and I hear jingle jangle. What if I don't want to hear that?

Are you putting your glass down on top of the keys? Listen, you're right. You are right. My argument. This is a Jubilee argument. Wait, was that this episode or the last? I think it was episode. I was like, am I calling back something from a long time? That's okay. Yes, you are correct.

that is insane. I'm a sick person and I'm like, we should all do the same thing. Yeah. Like, I'll refold a table if it's not folded correctly, like a hand towel that someone has used. And I'll be like, well, why didn't you, you saw how it was. Why didn't you? Or like, when people stay at my house, they sometimes won't put the bath mat back up on the tub. And I'm like, but you saw it like that. You had to move it to step on it. Why wouldn't you put it back where it was? Are I just crazy? No, you just like things how you like them. No, you're right.

When I'm in other people's bathrooms, I will, if their toilet paper roll comes from underneath, I'll switch it to come from above. Because why would you have toilet paper come from underneath? That's very funny. I think I like it underneath because it's easier to tear. Oh. Because when it's on top, you're like, oh, oh. What do you like? Oh, oh.

But when it's underneath, you're like, because you get to use, you use the roll to rip it. But if there's nothing, you're just, it just keeps coming. And then you have to go, then you have to use two hands. Okay, I see.

I guess I thought it was easier from the drop. I didn't realize there were, I thought people who had it coming from underneath just didn't care. I didn't think they had any opinions about it. Oh. But apparently, people, there's people who prefer underneath.

I do prefer underneath. What do you guys prefer? Underneath or over? I think most people don't have a preference. I think that's actually what it is. I do like it when I guess it goes like this because that's how it looks like in cartoons. Oh.

I mean, you're not wrong. I think the Charmin Bears do it over. Over because those are the only reference I have for like other people who use toilet paper, the Charmin Bears? Because there's no like, oh my God, what are other brands? They will hold on toilet paper.

Name another toilet paper brand. Quilt. Soft and quilted? Or is that a description. Is that a brand? The faces your face made is how my brain feels a lot. It was just like, ugh,

but yeah. Oh, there's quilted northern. Maybe they're quilted northern. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And then. Cotonnell. Oh, Cottenell, yeah.

And Scott. Scott? Who's Scott? That's so funny. I can see Scott in my brain, but I never, like, why is it Scott? And does Scott have a mascot? I hope it's just a man who's like, hey. I'm Scott.

I'm Scott. Also, do you mind pulling up a picture of the Charmin Bears with their toilet paper? What don't... Because I just want to make sure that the image is correct in my brain, that it's over. Yeah. Mm. Whoa. Okay, there's a toilet.

Okay, there's a toilet. Okay, so there's a toilet. Oh, but there's no... Oh, maybe Charmin Bears' toilet. Oh, it is over I cannot believe that I remember that I remember that My brain is filled with garbage Just useless garbage

Oh but is it going under from that branch You see this happy bear with the branch? Oh yeah The cartoon Yeah Honestly hard to tell He's under over But he's having a nice time Oh.

This looks over. Yeah, I think over. Okay. Whoa. If Sharman says it. Yeah. And then can you look up, who's the math? Look at that one with the little butt?

You can't pass inspection with pieces left behind. I can't believe that was an ad campaign. To be like, make sure you don't have residue on your butt. That's funny. Oh. Scott is short for Scott E. The dog, I guess. cute well that's not a scotty on that packaging that was a golden retriever

fucking up their own shit I mean eventually they were like you know what all dogs yeah all dogs are fine here should we take a break huh yeah let's take a break And we're back You know what else is nice about Japan What? Bidays, yeah Everywhere They care about their booty health

Yes, and also Sometimes they'll just like The lid will just raise on its own Yes, to greet you And I'm like, when Japanese people come to the States Are they're like, these people are disgusting Probably. You had to touch the toilet to lift the lid. Oh, I didn't even think of that. I just thought of it as like, it's fun to be like the toilet's like, I'm hungry.

Hello. But probably it's wild that we don't use bedaids. And I feel like it's maybe like a patriarchal thing where it's like it's gay to have water shoot up your butt. Yeah. But it's clean to have water shoot up your butt. Yeah. It's nice. It's really nice. It is refreshing and I love a heated seat Oh my God When I was in Mexico There was

So dainty There was a bidet in the hotel room And that was so nice It was a heated seat Yeah It was ugh I love a toasty tush It's nice Especially in the morning

Yeah I was confused the first time I sat on a heated toilet Because I was like Was someone just sitting here? Oh that's very much very funny. But I was like, oh, no, it's for me. It's funny because you're like, was someone just sitting here and were they sick as hell? Like, were they that hot? They have a fever?

I got it out of here. But yeah, I don't understand. We just, we need more bidetes here. It would be lovely. I have bidet at my home. I do too. I want you to get your butt clean. Clean that butt. And then I think about people who live bidetless. I'm like, you got muddy butt? Maybe. Or toilet paper sticking to the, you're not passing their cheeks. They're not passing the inspection. Yeah, I wish we could, as a culture, move towards bidetes everywhere. Restaurants. Everywhere. Yeah. This doesn't be a home luxury. You just be a staple everywhere. Yeah. And honestly, you can just get a tushy. That's, that's cheap. Yeah. Or affordable. I won't say

it's cheap. I think it's affordable. It's a nice little option to have. Oh, man. Yeah. I can't wait to go to Japan so I could get a sit on a bidet. I mean, it is nice. I mean, I guess what I'm trying to say is so like it's not like a, ooh, a surprise. It's just like, oh, it's everywhere. It's everywhere.

It's everywhere. Yeah. I can't think of a toilet where that I sat on that did not have a bidet. And I like that they've integrated it with the toilet because in Europe, sometimes there's separate bidets and I don't know how that works. Yeah, I haven't seen that in real life. I've seen that also maybe on TV. No, you've seen that in real life.

I have? Yes. Remember. I don't remember. Where? Where did I see a real bidet like that? That was separate. Okay.

I'll give you a hint. It was in an Airbnb. We were together. Where were we? Italy. In Rome. In that Airbnb in Rome, there was a toilet. and then there was a bidet.

It was like a little bidet. I did try to use it and I simply couldn't figure it out because it was like a faucet. It was just like a faucet and then water dripped like that and I was like, do I... That doesn't make any sense.

Straddle it and then back my butt up to it. I'm sure. I wonder if there's probably like a video on how to like use it on the internet. Or do you like cup water in your hand and splash it up there? But I feel like you would have to go like pretty far

to then splash and then it's like well now my hand oh maybe you go behind huh but maybe I don't know these all sound like wrong options they really do I don't know I don't know either yeah and I've seen them in like a bunch of places and I'm like I don't know how to use that I don't and I'm not going to look stupid alone in this bathroom trying to fucking figure it out like I embarrass me no I have water all over the floor no and then also it's like we're taking up real estate in this bathroom. Combine it. Yes.

Yeah. Hmm. Allie, I'm so sorry. Do you mind looking up? How do you use a bidet not attached to the toilet? Oh, you're all there. Wow. The speed of that typing.

There's a Reddit thing. How do bidet's work if you have a separate one? Yes. And like, Europe. Well, I am an American, I have the opportunity to travel and encounter a separate fixture situation firsthand. Typically, they're not far apart, maybe a scoge over from the toilet. I love Reddit. So I can't say much about dripping actually.

What? Oh, I can't say how much dripping actually happens. typically have that problem me I don't trip when I use a bidet I recall soap being available this is not answering the question no soap I'm supposed to like wash it wash it I mean it can be nice little bird bath yeah I need to know if I drop a big old fat shit and then I'm waddling over this bidet what happens next and then Then what? Maybe how do you use...

Is there video? Okay, let's do that first guy. Yes, he's gonna teach us how to use a bidet. Oh, on TikTok. He's so happy about this. That's for my butt. I don't like him encouraging us to use a phone on toilet. I don't, I don't like it either.

Oh. You are using your hand. even in romance this man's a looney tune a lunitude a lunitude a lunatoon oh hello

he's here is a child Everybody has a different towel. Okay. Happy cleaning America is how he ended that. So yeah, you're using your hand to splash it. Yeah. That seems like more work than I want to do.

Maybe that's why we reject it, but days. Yeah, it's like, I just want to wipe it and be done. Yeah. We're on the go. Time is money. I'm trying to change my towel But yeah Interesting

Now I know That I have to do the splashing Mm-hmm No I like the ones that shoot up into me Yeah shoot up in me Do you ever like shoot it like right up in your butt And it like swirls around and comes back out I don't know if it

I don't know if I feel a swirling sensation Oh It hits my butt, like the hole. You never, like, open up that butt and let the water in. Let the water in my mouth. And swirl your butt. Um, I don't know if I'm opening up my hole. I just go up there for sure.

But I, I'm not like. I've never ever taken a sip while someone says I don't know if I'm opening up my hole oh that was dangerous I truly almost spat coffee all over myself it was just so thoughtful

I don't know if I'm opening up my hole okay maybe I'm alone on that I mean yeah I do like it gets up there for sure but I don't know if it's like fully in you never feel your butt I don't feel my butt

Oh, okay. But you do? I don't know. You're making it sound weird. I'm not trying to make it sound weird. Yeah, I feel my butt up. Thanks. Great.

It is a nice time. Clean me out, Daddy. Clean it out, yeah. Have you ever had a colonoscopy? Is that where you lie on a table and someone put something up your butt and then you shit on a table? I don't know if you shit on the table. I don't think that should be happening. I think they do put a tube inside of your colon.

and then like put liquid up there and then it comes back out like they vacuum it out oh they vacuum it out no I haven't I don't think you should sit on the table okay yeah because that'd be a real mess for sure have you had a colonoscopy I haven't no when are you supposed to have them are we even supposed to I think he was I just thought it was like a thing like if you want to I think there's like things that you're supposed to be like I think you're supposed to like have your earwax extract it like i think that's a thing you're supposed to do oh i think maybe a colonoscopy is a thing that you do when you hit like a certain age like a mammogram yeah well we're probably nearing that age then yeah have you had a mammogram i haven't yeah yeah you know they're i honestly

it's they've they're weird mm-hmm but apparently they're better than they used to be oh Because they used to just like Smush your titty. Yeah, your tits. Which they are getting smushed now, but like, I guess it used to be worse. Oh, dang. It's so wild that like

some medical procedures hurt. Like, they're like, we're just going to squish your titty. I don't like, this is the best way to do this? I don't want to do that. Yeah. That's bad. And then, like, when you go to the gynecologist,

like, stick them fingers in you, and then they mash your stomach. And it hurts sometimes. Yeah. I don't like that. I don't like that either. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I went to my general practitioner the other day, and she was looking at her iPad, and she was asking me medical questions, and then she was like, are you still single? And I was like, that can't be on there. That simply can't be one of the questions that's on there. Well, I guess, I don't know about a general practitioner. I guess I was thinking about gynecologists

because sometimes they need to know like your sex life like if you're partnered or married but I guess I don't know why that would be information that your general practitioner needs to know I don't think she needed to know and I was like no and she was like are you happy

and I was like that can't be on the list that's not there does he have a good family and do you like his mother does he have simply it was so strange And yeah, she's a very weird lady with no bedside manner. So I was like, you've never, like, asked me personal questions before.

Yeah. And then she was like, where are you employed again? I was like, oh, I'm self-employed. And she was, like, doing what? And I was like, comedy. And she's like, how's that going? And I was like, I think good. This is a judgy bitch?

I was like, well, I just, like, got back from, like, a weekend of stand-up. And she was, like, telling jokes. And I was like, yeah. Every time I see her, I get at the card, I'm like, am I doing okay? Like, I was like, am I doing enough? The way she's, the way she phrases stuff is so... Toeing jokes. Me.

She's so mean. You, like, work harder so that the next time you see her, you have more, like, better things to say. Yeah, and, like, actually, you know, I'm developing something. And she'd be like, oh, it's just developed. Oh, it's not greenlit? Okay. Okay. Well, see you next year.

She, because I'm on Manjaro, because I have type-t-de-d-a-b-tis. and I lost some weight and she looked at me and she went wow I can see your neck and I was like okay and then she followed up with you look so much better than you did are people in your life saying that to you too

I was like oh my God I was like people are noticing and saying nice things and she's but she always is like but are they saying you look better and I'm like yeah I guess she's so me. I don't like this lady. No, she's the meanest lady and I think in Los Angeles, California. She's so mean. You look better than you did before. You can say you look good. Yeah. Or you're my doctor. You are healthy. I took your blood. You're healthy. These numbers are better. She gave me an update because I did have some blood work done and like my cholesterol's down on my, like all this stuff that was like we were worried about it's down. And she said, everything's down.

wow aren't you happy and I was like you didn't give me time to be happy like you just said wow aren't you happy I guess you kind of cares about your happiness I guess but also

her her assistant said something that I was like oh my god all of you all of you are from the same water supply because she was like you look good and I was like thank you it's the manjaro and she goes doesn't work for all our patients you should see some of the other ones

some of these other people they're not looking good at all and I was like got it or maybe she's just trying to be like like wow that's that's so good because it doesn't always work

I guess it blew me away I truly am shell shocked every time I leave there and it's a good you know distance from my house So I have like, I always have like a, like, 45 minutes to, like, process it. Oh, gosh. And then, like, write down tidbits for therapy the next week. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Mm-hmm. Ooh, we should do questions. Let's do some questions. Whoa, we were really just gab, gab, gaby, gab. My goodness. Ooh, wow. I still can't believe you don't fill your hole. I don't.

I mean, like, again, it goes up there. I think he's, like, going in and around the rim, but it's not going up. Okay, here's what I want you to do. When you get home, open that butthole up and, like, let the water in. You'll be so clean. I believe that. So clean. You go stick a finger in.

Yeah, let's help people. Hello, Cishire, Nicole. I love the show. You all make me laugh so hard. I wanted to share my sex in the same bed story. When I was 19, about 20 years ago, I went to a movie with a good friend and her boyfriend. I did not have a car, so I rode with them. After the movie, we all went back to her boyfriend's place.

At some point, I fell a step. I woke up to them having sex right next to me. Actually, one of them purposefully woke me up. I was horrified. I felt set up and violated. Turns out their whole plan was to try to get me to participate in a threesome with them. People are wild. Anywho, our friendship didn't survive, and it was quite messed up that my friend.

and plot it on me like that. Also, I have a question. Has either one of you ever experienced a situation where you felt you needed to dull your shine to keep the piece between you and a friend? Again, I love the show. Bye. These are two separate. Yeah.

Yeah, those are really two ends of the spectrum. Yeah. Well, I guess the first part wasn't a question. It was just... Just a story. Just telling a little tale. Yeah. That's a wild tale.

That's a wild tale. I'm glad that that friendship ended because that's nasty. Also, like, you can't wake someone up into a threesome. They're disoriented. They haven't gotten horny yet. Like, why would you think they're going to be like, Oh, yeah. They're tired.

Oh, yeah. God, that was funny. No, you're absolutely right. I've never woken up, I've been like, let's dive into this. Yeah. That's too much. Let me wake up first.

Okay, some coffee. Yes. Let me have an egg. Let's see. Have I ever had to dull my shine for a friendship? I, okay, I don't think I, I didn't dull my shine, but I think in retrospect,

maybe my shine, helped in the friendship. Like, I had a friend, we went to school together in Indianapolis, and then we both, like, wanted to leave and, you know, do great things. And I moved to New York. I was doing comedy. I was acting. She also wanted to be a performer.

And, like, wasn't going in that same direction. And I don't know all the reasons why. But I feel like our calls decreased because I was, like, giving her updates on all the fun, exciting things I was doing in New York. And she was not having the same kind of journey. And there was no explicit talk that was, like, her being like, oh, I feel bad or anything, really. She's kind of, like, kind of just stopped talking to me. And I would, like, try to, like, reach out whenever I go home for the holidays. But, yeah, I just kind of, like, died out.

And my only assumption, because I can't think of it. of why else it would have died out like that. It's like, oh, I think maybe she was like... Jealous or felt some type of way. Just, like, felt bad for herself. And then that happens. That makes sense. I've had that happen where I was like,

hmm, you don't seem excited for the things going on in my life. So I just won't talk about that. So, yeah, I guess I have dulled my shine a little bit. And then sometimes in... This has happened many times. Sometimes at work it happens. Sometimes it's with friends where I'm like, oh you need you need to talk a lot

I can let you do that I can let you you can just talk oh listen you ha ha that's funny but nowhere where it's like I feel like sad about it or anything I'm just like oh okay you you need to like be the center of attention for today

and I can do that for you that's fine but yeah I have like curtailed some of my like work stuff with some friends because I'm like, oh, I think it's hitting you in a weird way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And unfortunately, you can't go to everybody with everything.

Everything. So you can just pick and choose. Like, these are the people who will celebrate me so I can go to them with that information. And these people hate me and want to hit me. And for some reason, they're still in my life. No, yeah. I think you're right because I think you have to figure out which of your friends is good for, like, like, like relationship shit or work shit or like whatever yeah yeah yeah solved solved i hope uh i have

a friend that i'm very concerned about some background she's like noah from grand crew falls very hard very fast she's had many a situation ship in the past several a year and very few have lasted longer than three months but she really wants to find the one she started dating this guy from an app four months ago. He lives overseas and a non-stop flight is over 13 hours. She's madly in love and went to visit him in person for the first time a couple of weeks ago. They spent the week together and are planning to get engaged later this year after eight months of dating through Zoom and maybe 10 days of being in person together. And the plan is, is that they'll get married and then he'll move here in a year. She's meeting with immigration lawyers and is taking a second job to

afford the overseas travel and lawyers. I'm concerned for her safety, among other things, but I don't know how to tell her my concerns. I tried to subtly voice them, but she didn't take the hint. What would you suggest? That is pretty tough. I mean, I feel like this is your jurisdiction.

I do love 90-day fiancé. I mean, if you wanted to have a serious conversation with your friend about this, I think you have to come with all of the facts. Like, when you bring somebody over from overseas on a K-1 visa, you are responsible for them financially for a very long time. So if you get divorced within like a year or two, like even after they get their green card, if they're not paying their taxes, they come for you.

You're like, it's, so you are financially responsible for that person for such a long time. So it's more than like, I love you. it's more like do you trust this person but I think you have to come with love and be like I know you took a second job that's really difficult you might have to do that for a long time if this doesn't work out and I know that you know there's distance and it's hard to like see this person but are you sure don't you want to take some time and maybe work that second job for another couple of years yeah so you can afford to visit this person yeah also does this person have a second job and since they can't contribute so they when you bring somebody over on a k1 visa

they can't work until they get their green card yeah and since the pandemic all of that has been like backed up so it's like do they have a support system while they're here have you thought about that do they have a community while they're here while they're not working while you're working your two jobs this person is just left alone yeah so have you guys talked about that Have you talked about what job they'll get once they get the green card? Like, it's not just you move here and we live happily ever after. There's so many things that add to this relationship that's just going to make it so much more difficult. So I feel like voicing all of that, not just being like, girlfriend, you've had a lot of situations.

You think you're fucking up again? It's like, have you thought about all of the ramifications this will have on your life? Because it is a big deal. It's a huge deal. Yeah, and like, do you think your relationship's going to be okay if this person's living in your house not working and you are working so hard to support the two of you for an undetermined amount of time? They can't drive. Oh, my God. They can't because they don't have, they can't have a driver's license.

Like, do you live near public transportation where this person can go somewhere and find people while you're working? This person's going to be so isolated while being here. Do they speak the language? Like, there's just so many things that when you watch 90-day fiancé that people do not think of. Yeah. But also, these, those people are some of the wildest people you'll ever see on television. This is true. But I think that's a good way to come at it with, like, I actually have some concerns about them.

It's not just about you. I also, like, want to know, have you talked to them about this? Yeah. Also, where do they live? Maybe that's a better place. Honestly, yeah. I mean. Yeah, get up out of here.

It's kind of scurry here for people who aren't citizens, unfortunately. That and our president's on a list, and the list doesn't seem to matter anymore. But then there's a lady in jail. If there's no list, how come she's not out of jail? It's wild here. It's wild here. It's nuts. Yeah, maybe you go there.

Maybe you go there. I want more information. I want to know where that person's from and why you can't immigrate there. 13 hours away That could be anywhere So my place is 13 hours away I was like And we don't even know where

Let's state they're in Yeah I don't know So yeah I think that's the smartest way Yeah I like that To be like I am concerned about you But I'm also really concerned about your partner Mm-hmm

Solved Solved If you have any other questions or queries for us You can call our text Yeah! Call our text or leave a voice memo at 323-23-23-8-6-554. Or we have an email if words are better for you. It is Nicole and Sashir at gmail.com.

Why'd you look at me like that? Dude, that's it. You looked at me like something else is going to happen. Nothing else going to happen. Why? You just shook your little feet at me. All right, goodbye. Bye. Best Friends is a production of HeadGum Studios.

Our producer is Ali Khan. Our executive producer is Anya Khan of Skaia. The show is edited, mixed, and engineered by the great KC. Donahue. That was a HeadGum podcast. Hi, I'm Alana Hope Levinson. And I'm Dan O'Sullivan. And this is the outfit, the new podcast from Higher Ground and HeadGum. You know, we're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mom.

and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that. Every week, we're going to bring you a story about a mobster. Some you've heard of. Some you definitely haven't. But all of them are going to help explain why America is like this. See, the mob explains all sorts of things, from milk expiration dates to why we got into Cuba, to Las Vegas. Gay bars. Who knew?

Who knew? The mobs involved. All that and more. Subscribe to the outfit wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday.