Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata - Nicole Is Dying For Action & Adventure!

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

This week Nicole is looking for some high stakes action and recounts the entire 1997 film Face/Off to Sasheer. Then, the two talk capitalism (spooky!), break down the Ten Commandments (there’s simply too many!) and answer listener letters. And never forget, watching Face/Off fixes everything! Email or call Nicole & Sasheer with your friendship questions at:[e-mail] Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/friends.

Hello, Sashir. Hello, Nicole. Oh my goodness. I am not feeling the best today. Why? I ate a lot of butter. And I just learned butter's dairy, dairy is milk. Lactose intolerance can come from butter.

Yes, it can. I just learned this from you. Yeah, two seconds ago. I had a delicious dinner. Nice. It was so good. Everything sliding down my throat was pristine. And then I woke up at like 6 a.m.

And then 7, and then 8, a.m. and then seven and then eight and then nine and then 10. Just like ratatatatatatatatatatat. Clyde was like scared. He was like, what is happening? What are these noises? Are we being attacked? Oh, man. Her bomb's being dropped on this house.

But I'm like feeling a little bit better. And I want to tell you about a dream that I had. Oh, please. OK. tell you about a dream that I had. Oh, please. Okay, so I had a dream. So I used to wear my mom's engagement ring and I went to the jewelry district downtown which I cannot recommend enough

because it's like vintage stuff, new stuff, it's great. And it's a good price and you can angle. So I got, I just like found a band that matched my mom's engagement ring. Nice. So I was wearing them together and then the jewels popped out, the diamonds popped out. Of the new one?

Yeah, or the Cubic Succulineas popped out. And then I had a dream that someone was trying to fill them with like wood, like little bits of wood. And they were like, and that's how diamonds are made. And I was like, don't gaslight me. This is a special ring. I found this. And then I was like, I'm gonna go to somebody else. And then another lady was like,

these are not real diamonds. So I'm gonna have to fill it with wood. And I don't know why people were trying to fill my ring with wood. Ooh, Matt, can you look up what wood means in dreams? Have you never had a woody dream? I'm sure I have, but not like that, I don't think. It was really bizarre.

Did you actually get a different ring to match your mom's ring? In real life? In real life, yes. And then did the diamonds really did fall out? In real life, yes. Okay. And I've been meaning to go down to the jewelry district to see if somebody can replace the diamonds really did fall out? In real life, yes. And I've been meaning to go down to the jewelry district to see if somebody can replace the diamonds. But I'm like, what if they put wood in them?

When an object is made of wood, it represents the suppleness of your authenticity portraying an element that is most susceptible to the changes in your environment. Yeah, I don't know what that means. It represents the suppleness. I'm supple, I am soft. Or like how prone you are to change.

Let's look at some more interpretations. I feel like someone was writing an essay. Yeah, and they're like, God hit this word mode. Exactly. A symbol for mobility, warmth, naturalness, important is the condition and type of wood. For example, firewood and ebony. Huh.

Everyone is writing like they don't want you to understand a thing. Dreaming of wood in the sense of timber suggests our ability to appreciate the past and build on what has gone before. We are capable of building a structure which may or may not be permanent. So maybe it's like you are honoring the past

with your mom's ring and making it your own by moving forward with a new ring as well, in addition to. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Why have the engagement ring? My sister has the wedding ring, so maybe my dream is go visit her and steal my mom's wedding ring.

I don't think so. You don't think that's what the dreams are telling me? Your sister wasn't in the dream. Nothing about you getting the wedding ring that's in the dream. It just feels like you want to steal the wedding ring from your sister. And you're using the dream as an alibi. Listen, okay. I know I was looking for meaning in this dream,

but I'm also yearning for some action. I just watched Face Off. Have you seen it? No. Oh my God. Sashir, you, you would love it. Why? Because it's super action packed? Action.

Oh. and acting. Nicolas Cage is having a great time. So do you know the premise? They switch faces. And the way it happens, so loosey goosey, but so fun. Is it John Travolta too? You better believe it is John Travolta and Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage is this very flamboyant bad guy.

And I really miss flamboyant bad guys of the 90s, which is why I like Fast X, because Jason Momoa was bringing it back. You know, wearing culottes and gauchos and being like, I murder. I love it. Murder with style. So, and it's John Woo. So there's a lot of slow-mo and a lot of like birds flying.

Oh my God. Wait, is it John Woo? I think it's John Woo. Who's Jason Woo? Oh, he's a designer. Okay, it's John Woo. Yes, face off. It is, this year, I had the time of my life.

It was so fun. And I had no idea where it was going. Yeah. At one point, after they're switched, Nicholas, or John Travolta as Nicolas Cage is like, I killed everybody who knew about it. And I was like, what? Why do we get out of this?

You better believe we do. We do? And the beginning of the movie is nothing you could ever imagine it to be. Wow. Did they know each imagine it to be. Wow. Did they know each other before? Yes. Okay.

Okay, because in the 90s, FBI agents and terrorists have relationships where they're constantly chasing one another. Like Batman and Joker? Yes, yes. Like the Lego movie really presents it well. Who am I? I would not be able to articulate any of this

two years ago. So they have a history. Nicolas Cage's character, his name, I think it's like Cassis. What is it? It's something wild. Castor Troy. He's Castor Troy. He has an oopsie in the beginning with John Travolta.

Then John Travolta's character is like, Sean Archer is like, I gotta get him. I'll never stop until I get him. Then we get him, and then he's like, it's ended. And they're like, actually it hasn't. There's a big bomb that Castor has put in the city of Los Angeles. We gotta go get it.

And the only way CCH Pounders, like, she goes the only way to get it is if you put his face on, and you go to jail and talk to his brother. And he's like, I can't. I can't. OK, I guess I will. And it's great. Whoa.

And secrets are revealed. Ooh. I cannot recommend it enough. I think you should watch it tonight. Is that even possible? No. To switch a face? No.

Right? No. I? No. I mean, no. I don't think so. But I really think they should remake this movie. It's a great acting challenge because the two of them picked their characters and then had to play the characters that they picked.

It's incredible. I like, I can suspend disbelief. I think we stopped doing that. We're like, movies have to beief. I think we stopped doing that. We're like, movies have to be real. No, they don't. No, they don't. Why does it have to be real?

Yeah, it's already fake. Yeah, but you have to watch Face Off. Okay, I guess I'll watch Face Off. Oh my God, it's so good. Yeah. So they're, so like Nicholas Cage has to act like John Travolta when he has John Travolta's face on? So, yes, so John Travolta is acting

like Nicolas Cage would act if he was wearing a John Travolta face. It's layered. Whoa. Layered. Yeah. Because then Nicolas Cage, when he's in jail, Oh, because they still, because they actually just have their face.

Is that right? They switched faces. In the movie. In the movie. But is the actor John Travolta. So sheer, I cannot believe you're asking me this. The actor is John Travolta. They didn't switch faces in real life.

I guess. They didn't switch faces in real life. I guess I was like, how do they switch faces? Was it like effects? They are just themselves. It would be as if you now have to act like me and I have to act like you. And I'm like, I'm Sashir.

But actually, no, I would be me pretending to be you pretending to be me. OK, got it. It's so deep. Yeah. Isn't that fun? That is fun. Ugh, it's great.

And John Travolta has a lot of entrances in this movie. Like, so many entrances. And they're all different, and they all show different, different tones and different, like, emotions. It's really, it's a great acting exercise. Great. But also, it was delightful. And Nicholas Cage is balding but has a Caesar haircut,

which is just the choices that were made. So is it like to start really far back? Yes. And Gina Gershon is in it. And there is a shot of her shooting a gun that's so hot. She looks so good. She's beautiful. Yeah. And then Joan Allen is in it, and there is a shot of her shooting a gun that's so hot, she looks so good, she's beautiful. And then Joan Allen is in it, she's been in a bunch

of stuff, but she's great too, and it's wild, because that's John Travolta's wife in it, and she's age appropriate. In the 90s, we had decorum, in the 90s, we paired people up who matched. Yeah, this is true. I don't know why we straight away. Because men were in charge?

But men were in charge in the 90s. That is true. I guess men got too confident. They said I could fuck anything. Anybody. Yeah. Oh my god. I loved Face Off.

I'll watch it. I need you to. I'll watch it. I need you to. Okay. And please don't make me wait 10 years like you did with Sex in the City. And I know Sex in the City is, so it's more voluminous. It's a whole thing.

Voluminous. Voluminous. Also, we have to go to Tom's one hour photo. Where'd you happen? Tom's one hour photo. Yeah. It's so fun. I think we have said this before.

Have we? Mm-hmm. Well, I finally went. Yeah. And he poses you. Yeah, that's fun. And then he'll like tilt your head and if you tilt it back a little, he goes, no.

And you're like, oh, OK. He's got a vision. And if you move your hand, he will move it back. I love being told what to do, just like in a social setting. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It is nice. You have to think. No, just tell me exactly what you need from me. Yeah.

And I can deliver that. That's very fun. Otherwise I'm like, oh no. But also, I lost the jump drive. To the photos? Yeah, that I took last night. Oh my gosh. Is it, does he have it backed up

on his computer or something? I don't know, I would have to call. I'm sure. It was just a day ago. It was just a day ago. I simply cannot believe I lost it so quickly. That is the benefit of, like, digital photography, where they can just send it to you via email. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

But I think that's, you know, they're a mom and pop shop. I think that's, like, an extra way to make a little bit extra. It's like a $10 jump drive or whatever. Yeah. But they should be like, we It's like a $10 jump drive or whatever. Yeah. But they should be like, we'll sell you the $10 jump drive or just be like, it's $10 for the email.

Yeah. And I'd be fine with it. It's such a fun store. They're so fun. That's fun. Oh, also during the pictures, he was like, no smile, smile. And then on most of the smile ones, he was like, too much smile. And I was like, me? And he was like, smile. And then on most of the smile ones, he was like, too much smile.

And I was like, me? And he was like, yes. And I was like, oh, okay. And then I got a little self-conscious about my smile and I'm looking at this one and I do smile big. Yeah, you smile big. Cause you're, you know, exuding enthusiasm. So Cher, am I happier than most people?

That's a hard question, because like, actually happy? Well, I don't know, probably normal. Like, for real, like your actual, like, how you feel? I don't know, but like you exude joy more than other people. Okay. You present happy.

I think I am, I think it's the ADHD. I do think, I would say I am happy 76% of the time. That's a good average. But if I get sad, usually something good happens and then I get happy again. I'm like, like a baby or a dog or something. I mean, that's nice. That's a good, that's a good trait.

It is nice. Because sometimes people, something happens that's good and people still feel sad. They wallow. Although, so yesterday was my birthday and I got a bunch of flowers and I, for whatever reason, I guess I, okay, I figured out, I just figured out why I complain about things like that. So I was telling you that I got some flowers and I was like, grumble, grumble, grumble.

Now I got to cut these up. Dah, dah, dah. I think it's because if you send me something that has a task involved, I'm already trying to avoid them normally. Yeah. So then it's like, on my birthday, I got to open these flowers.

I got to be home for these flowers. I got to answer the phone for these flowers. But that's not to say I don't want flowers because I really enjoyed all of them. My sister sent me flowers. That's very sweet. It was so nice. And you want to steal that ring from her?

Yes I do. Yes I do. And I'm going to. No! Yes, I need action. I want action. But you gotta steal from your family in order to get it. But I want to. You can go steal from your family in order to get it. But I want to.

You can go to a racetrack or something. No, family is action. Because when you get close to someone, when you do something bad, it matters more. It sure does. Yeah, you can cause a rift for years. I want her to feel this. Oh my God.

What'd she do to you? No, I'm kidding, nothing. She's done nothing but love me. She's very sweet. Yeah. So yeah, my house. What did she do to you? No, I'm kidding. Nothing. She's done nothing but love me. She's very sweet. Yeah. So, yeah, my house is filled with flowers that in a week I'm going to have to... They're going to start stinking.

Yeah. And I'm going to be like, oh, no, now I got to get rid of these flowers. But then I'll have new vases, and then I get to go to Michael's and steal flowers. Like, fake flowers? Yes. And you steal them?

Not all of them. I do a buy one one get one that they're not aware of so I will scan one Not scan one scan one not scan one because they're too expensive sometimes. Yeah, and the ones I want aren't on sale. Mm-hmm. So You know look out for me at Michael's. I think they will then, actually. They will be looking out for you, since you publicly announced that you've steal from them. Absolutely. But I've publicly said at self-checkouts, I will take.

It's not my job. And I think consumerism and what's it called, capitalism, it's gone too far. And it's up to us, the little guys, to take it back. But one flower at a time. I do wish dried flowers or some other sort of, or fake flowers were more acceptable as gifts as opposed to real flowers,

because they do die. And then they stink up your house and then you have to throw them away. And you're like, oh, well, that was nice while it lasted, but I guess that fun time's over, where if you just had like dried flowers, you could look at them all the time. Be like, these are gorgeous.

Yeah. Or fake flowers. I love fake flowers. I really do. Yeah. I've turned into my mother. She, but she would change out the fake flowers. I love fake flowers. I really do. Yeah. Ugh, I've turned into my mother. She, but she would change out the fake flowers based on the season.

Wow. She also had wreaths based on the season. That's fun. Yeah. And I'm like, should I get into wreaths? Get into wreaths. Oh my god. I'm like, do I need more things?

But this would be outside your door. I'm trying to say no to capitalism. Oh, right. But he steal it. He said, does your need more things? I'm trying to say no to capitalism. Oh, right. But he steal it. He said, does your network is failing? Yeah. And I'm this close to decorating my house for Halloween. You never do.

I know. I am this fucking close. Everything's so goddamn cute. Like how? Like with cobwebs? I don't know. I know I don't want cobwebs, but I do want some like spooky-ookies, maybe like cutouts of ghosts and stuff.

Okay. I don't know. I'm like, Michael's really, really has been showing out. Yeah. And earlier, you sent that video that they roll out Halloween early. Yes.

And then they roll out Christmas early. Yeah. So you get to jump in on the shopping. Yeah, And then they roll out Christmas early. Yeah. So you get to jump in on the shopping. Yeah, they try to trick us into buying more stuff. Consumerism and capitalism. Yeah. Mm. Boo.

Boo. Pfft. Ooh. Now that's spooky. That is spooky. Yeah. What are you going to do for Halloween? I have no idea.

I haven't even thought of it. Huh. I'm thinking of it just right now. Okay. Mm. I mean, I do enjoy handing out candy to those children. That is cute. Because they don't understand it. Like, sometimes they don't even say trick or treat.

They just, like, look at you. Yeah. And I'll be like, say it. If you want it, say it. Say it. And then our friend Tessa was over, and she would be like, say it. So if you want it, say it. Say it. And then our friend Tessa was over, and she was like, what are you? What are you?

And that? Well, she was cheerier than that. Made me laugh. You're right. What are you? What are you? Yeah, it is funny, because these kids are just, it feels like they're being dragged into the situation.

Like the parents are like, you have to they're being dragged into this situation. Like the parents are like, you have to make a memory. We got a trick or treat. And they're like, I don't even know what I am. I don't know what kind of monster I am. You told me I had to talk to strangers now I'm talking to so many strangers and they're giving me things.

Oh my God. I didn't even think of that. Like after COVID, like we didn't, there was trick or treating for nobody for like two years, maybe three. And then now it's like, here's the thing we do. We knock on strangers' door and we ask for food. All of a sudden, but even aside from COVID,

we train kids to not talk to strangers and certainly don't take candy from strangers. And they were like, but this one day, take all the candy from all the strangers. Whoa, if I was a predator, that is the day to kill. Right? Whoa, if I was a predator, that is the day to kill. Right? No, everyone's guard is down.

Everyone's dressed up. I can dress up literally as a murderer and murder. Yeah, you could. Nobody would know the difference. This is true. Especially if it was like a hot murderer year, like if a Jason movie or something comes out that year or whatever.

Oh, you just like that murderer. Yeah, and everybody's dressed in like that. And then it's like, well, who did it? Who did it? Yeah. Scream, that scream mask, everybody had one. That's true. Who was doing it?

Michael Myers. Mask, who did it? Who did it? Who did it? We don't know, because they were in costume. Yeah, but I'm not a predator and I'm not like a bad person. So like, don't worry. I'm so glad you said that.

It's really good to hear. I just steal, I don't murder. Thank goodness. What are the Ten Commandments? What are the Ten Commandments? What are the Ten Commandments? What are the Ten Commandments? Thou shall not steal.

Thou shall not steal. Uh oh. Lie. Uh oh. Adultery. Adultery. Okay. Okay.

Adultery. Adultery. Adultery. Adultery. Adultery. Adultery. Adultery. Adultery. Adultery. What are the Ten Commandments? Thou shall not steal. Uh oh. Lie. Uh oh.

Adultery. Okay. What is it? Thou shall not. Matt, do you mind? Something about your neighbor? Covet thy neighbor's belongings? Something like that, yeah.

Which is like so wild. What if I want my neighbor's stuff? What if I want my neighbor's stuff? What if I want my neighbor's stuff? Ooh, do you mind making it a little bit bigger? Cause then my eyes, they're bad. Her eyes are really small. They're so, my eyes are tiny. Can you read that?

No. I mean, I can, but like, I don't want that to strain. At the DMV yesterday, I had to read an eye thing and I had to take a test. Like an actual driver's test? Like to drive or like written? Written and I got four wrong. Ooh, and you still got your license?

Yeah, I passed. I have no idea how many questions they asked. And I took a friend a couple of years ago and he failed. And I was like, how many questions? Did you get them all wrong? Because I was like, oh rats. And then I skipped some and I still passed. I think it was a mistake probably.

You shouldn't be on the road. I shouldn't. You shall have no other gods before me. Wow. You shall not make idols. Well that survivor, they make idols and survivor. What's an idol? A thing?

I think it's a thing to worship. Oh. That's so- Which is kind of like the first one. Weird. It's like, let me double down. Yeah. I don't want anything before me.

Yeah, don't worship any other gods and don't worship any other objects. But I'm also like, who's making objects to worship? Other, other, lots of people. Like what? I guess if you're starting your own religion and you're like, I wanna worship this tree. Huh.

Thou shall not take the Lord's name or the Lord your God in vain. Wait, what? You shall not take. You are adding words in there. I think I know it is, thou shall not take. And it says, yeah, they like made it in simple terms. So they took the bow out of there.

You shall not take the name of the Lord, your God in vain. So that's like, I can't be like, oh God. Exactly. Wow. Already a sin. Sinned. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. So that's Sundays.

There's a lot of rules. Honor your father and your mother while mine are dead. You shall not murder. Okay. Wait, that's so wild. Honor your father and your mother. Also don't murder. This seems so arbitrary.

Mistakes are all over the place. Truly. You shall. Be respectful to your parents and don't murder. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal. I think adultery is worse than stealing and also maybe the same.

Maybe it's not in order of importance. Oh, maybe. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Oh, so I can't be lying on my neighbor? Yeah. Well, good. Why would I? Well, some people would want to get that neighbor in trouble. For what?

Like, I saw Sharon stealing Kelly's roses out of her yard, and then Kelly might murder Sharon. For a hot second, I thought these were people in your neighborhood. I was like, whoa, this is nuts. And then I was like, oh, she's making names up. Sharon and Kelly are not real people. Not people, I know.

I guess. Yeah, like, yeah, don't lie. And I guess your neighbor can be loose. Maybe not your direct neighbor. Yeah, don't be lying on anybody. Yeah, because it could cause drama. And then you shall not covet. Anything, I guess. Yeah.

Just don't want anything? Don't want anything, but I have so many things. I can have dreams, desires, goals. I wanna go on vacation. Yeah. I want more gifts. Yeah. I want more clothes.

Although I keep buying clothes and then having to get rid of clothes. It's a vicious cycle. Yeah. Yeah, I want shoes. I want my hair done. I can't covet my hair getting done. I guess not.

Yeah, well, this seems like really unrealistic. Yeah, like I love God and stuff. Big guy upstairs. Hey man, cool. This is too much. Too much, you're asking too much. Yeah, I'll, okay, so I will not commit adultery. Great.

I won't murder. I'll honor my father and my mother. I won't make idols. And yeah, I guess I'm not gonna have any gods before that god. I'm not gonna lie on my neighbor. All right, so I'm gonna take the Lord's name in vain. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna take the Lord's name in vain. Okay. I'm gonna, that's what I'm gonna do.

Okay, sure. I'm not gonna remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Uh-huh. I'm gonna steal. Okay. And I'm gonna covet. That's pretty good. Yeah, it's probably like the same average as your driver's test.

Like, it's a passing grade. What are you gonna do? Um, I probably will take the Lord's name in vain. I'm not gonna remember to keep the Sabbath holy. I'm gonna do some freaky shit on the Sabbath. Yeah, keep it nasty. And I'm gonna covet some stuff, I'm sure. But everything else, I will, I can, I can obey them. Wow, you're not gonna steal?

You're gonna steal. I'm not gonna steal. You might steal. No. What if you put something in your pocket by accident? You're gonna walk all the way back to the store and be like, oops? But I wouldn't even put it in my pocket by accident.

What if you want to put it somewhere? I don't steal. I've never even. You've never stolen before. I stole once. All right. Twice. OK.

But that's it. What? Tell me about it. The first time was in a grocery store and someone else had already opened up a little hole in a pack of Chips Ahoy cookies. And I was like, well, I didn't do it. Someone already did it, but I can just benefit from this. So I reached in and got a cookie and was eating it.

And my mom was like, where'd you get that cookie? I was like, I'm from this bag. And she was like, you can't just eat the food from the grocery store and not pay for it. And then my mom snitched on me and went and got an employee, probably some teenager who did not give a shit, and brought that person over and told me to explain what I did.

And I was like, I took a cookie from the bag. And he was like, oh, okay, well, you know, usually you have to pay for them or whatever. They were trying to play along. And then I was like, okay, I guess I'll just put it back. And they're like, you already bit into it. You can't just put it back. So I like learned a lesson that day.

And then another time was on a church trip to Six Flags or some amusement park, and I wanted water, but I didn't want to have to buy it, so I just took water from the fridge of some convenience store on the park, and then I was thirsty again, and I was like, oh my god, more water. And I just took another bottle. And then at the end of the day, I saw someone take their empty bottle to a stand and refill it to a cashier and then they refilled it

for them and I was like, wait, you can just get free water? And they're like, yeah, you just have to ask. And I was like, oh, so I was stealing for nothing? I was like, I need water. I can't possibly be without water. Are these people going to dehydrate and pass out? I'm going to steal water. And then I didn't have to.

Is it true? That's so funny that you're stealing necessities. Food and water. Food and water. I'm just trying to survive. God, that's so funny. Yeah. I think I remember the first thing I stole.

It was ChapStick. Okay. And I got one. So I said to my sister, I was like, hey, put this in your pocket. And she was like, no. And I was like, put it in your pocket or take it. She was like, okay.

And then we were in the van. And I was just putting it on my lips, just lubing up. And my mother was like, where. And then we were in the van and I was just putting on my lips, just lubing up. And my mother was like, where did you get that? And I was like, the pharmacy, where else? It's where we were. And she was like, well, you didn't pay for it. And I was like, no, I didn't. So then I had to go back and explain.

And my sister was like, she made me do it, but I am sorry. She threw you under the bus. Always, always. It was so annoying. She never would commit crimes with me. Oh, I'm sorry. And then I stole donuts from Costco. I had, as my sister tells it,

white powder all over my face, but I remember them being glazed donuts. And apparently I like walked away and came back and my mother was like, where were you? And I said, looking at books. And I had food on me. I went back to the donuts. And then my mother caught me red handed and was so mad. So mad. And then I got a little spanking. And then I, I don't think I stole again until I was on my own. And I was like, well, how do you get clothes

if you don't have money? Steal it. And me and my two very good friends in high school used to play What's in Grandma's Bag. We would like walk around together, but I got so good at shoplifting that they wouldn't know what I would have until we got into the car.

And I'd be like, look at what I got! Wow. I was stealing coach bags. I was stealing clubs, sometimes stuff on clearance. Wow. When I got arrested, that's what saved me from grand larceny. Ooh. How much do you have to steal for that to be grand larceny? I believe a thousand dollars is grand larceny.

It doesn't even seem like a lot. It doesn't. Or maybe it's not grand larceny. A misdemeanor, I think it's under a thousand dollars is just a misdemeanor. But yeah, it's not on my record because I was underaged, but I was not allowed back in the 34th Street Old Navy because I got caught there. I also was not allowed back in the 34th Street Macy's. But those stores are so big, how can they regulate that? Or how can they enforce that?

They can't, because I've been back so many times. Yeah, it's not like your picture's by the door. Or they even have the same employees that often. or how can they enforce that? They can't, because I've been back so many times. Yeah, it's not like your picture's by the door. No. Or they even have the same employees that often. How much can you shoplift before you get charges on you? That was a really funny way to phrase that. Can you look up how much money is grand larceny shoplifting? Oh my goodness.

It's not even $1,000. No, $950. Whoa. Wow. It's a even $1,000. It's $950. Whoa. Wow. It's a serious criminal offense, according to California penal code 487. Yeah. I mean, they were making it a great big deal.

And I had to go to jail. You had to go to jail. You didn't know this? Oh, the Macy's jail, right? No, I spent a night in actual jail. Oh, I thought it was Macy's jail. Well, first stop was Macy's jail. Yeah. Second stop, real jail.

I had my cute little yellow patent leather purse, and they were like, do you have ID on you? And I said, no. And then I simply thought they would take my word for it. They then went through my belongings. How dare they? Kind of. I was like, I told you I don't have any ID.

Yeah. But it turns out I had my ID, my sister's ID, my fake ID, my friend Erica's ID. I had four. You had so many IDs. Yeah, and they were like, we don't know who you are. And I was like, well, two of them say Nicole. I'm Nicole.

And then I got in the back of a cop car and my flip flop broke. And I was like, can I at least have a flip flop? And they're like, what? No, no, you can't have a flip flop broke and I was like, can I at least have a flip flop? And they're like, what, no, no, you can't have a flip flop. And I was like, okay. And flip from the store? Yes, I was trying to get them to like, let me get a shoe. That's so funny.

But like, yeah, my shit was broken. So then I went to jail jail and I was in like a holding cell and then I was like, what about my one phone call? And I didn't have anyone's number because they're all in my phone. So I was like, I don't know who I would call. Then they let me have my phone back. She called 911 and said, they won't let me out.

They won't let me out, I'm in jail. But they did let me have my phone out. So I could write a number down, called my friend Erica, and I was like, I'm in jail. And then she and my other friend came down to the jail and they had written me letters. And I like ate, I'm in jail. And then she and my other friend came down to the jail and they had written me letters. And I like ate my little McDonald's because I got a McDonald's hamburger,

orange drink, it was like a high C, no fries, which I thought was kind of fucked up. And I read those letters and fell asleep. And then they let me go the next day. Cause they couldn't actually see you? The officers had to deliver letters to you? Cause it's not prison, it's jail. Were you gonna sell with anyone else?

No, I was by myself because I was 18. Oh, yeah. I think they were like, we can't put this 18 year old with real adult criminals. Yeah, it's not the same scale. Yeah, but those beds are hard. Is it just like a slab of rock? Kind of.

I don't remember any sort of accoutrements. And I think the toilet was in there. Ew. And that was gross. And then could the officers see you go to the bathroom? Yeah, because it's a jail. There's bars. I don't like that.

Yeah, I think they were really trying to teach me a lesson. Like, you don't want to end up here. And I was like, I'll keep stealing forever. This won't stop me. I'll just get better at it. We'll never learn. I'm so good at it. So good at it.

I really am. Yeah. Yeah. To the point where that arrest, they asked me how I did it. Because I couldn't figure it out? And how did you get caught again? My friend who was with me was not doing exactly what I told her to do.

Oh. Damn. So she got us caught. Mm-hmm. And she gave up so easily. She was like, yeah, I have stuff. And I was like, oh my god. And they're like, let's see your bag.

And I was like, I don't want that. Yeah. I don't want that. And once you say something like that, they're like, well, we have to look in your bag. That's very suspect. There's probably something in there.

The key is bringing doubles into the fitting room. Finding a spot where, you know, camera ones. And you can figure out when you're not on camera. And you put shirts inside shirts. Tank tops are the easiest. Bring in at least two pairs of jeans and then you mix it up, what you give back to the person,

what you don't give back and everything that's doubled, you put in your purse or on your person and then the sensors that you rip off go in the pocket of jeans. And then, have I not explained this to you before? You have explained this to me. I just can't believe you're explaining it to our audience members.

Well, then you fill the pockets of those jeans with the sensors, and then you put that back on the floor. Not in the front, not in the back, just in the middle. So it'll be hard for them to find. And then there is zero evidence of what you've done. Wow. Well? So have fun, everybody.

Get out there and steal! Yes! Fuck capitalism! Fuck capitalism! Get it, get it, get it! And then if you open drinks in the supermarket, who's to say you didn't come in with it? You gonna roll back the tape on everybody? Roll back the tape? Yeah.

Yeah. I gotta take it once in New York because I had, so I worked at a theater company and I was in charge of bringing the puppets that they used in the free library shows that they did to the library, from the theater to the library. And it was like, huge bins and like a dolly. And it was just, and I couldn't afford a cab, so I was just on the subway with these huge ass bins full of puppets. And I had to wheel the dolly through the door

because I couldn't go through the turnstile. And a cop was on the other side and saw that I did not swipe. And he was like, you didn't swipe, like, I got to write you up. And I was like, but I have an unlimited metro car. I can just swipe it right now. And he was like, but you didn't swipe initially. And I was like, but I couldn't because I had to come through this door. And he's like, you should have swiped

and then came through the door. And then he was like, let me see your ID. And I said, I don't have an ID because someone told me to do that. So I was like, if a cop asks for your ID, just say no. So like, I don't have an ID. And he's like, well, I'm gonna write you up anyway. And I was like, oh, okay.

And then, and so because he didn't have an ID, he just guessed everything. And he was like, you're probably like five, seven. And then he guessed my weight. And it was like 10 pounds over what I actually weighed. And I was so upset. I was like, what did you even need that for? I didn't actually like break a law. I just like did it in convenience really.

That's really funny. And I had to pay a fine. I can't remember how much it was. Oh no, how much did you say you weighed? It doesn't matter, 10 pounds over how much I weighed back then. Okay. Weight's an interesting thing. I was talking to a friend about weight

and I was like, well, you're smaller than me. And they were like, no, you're not. And I was like, what? I was like, do you not see bodies? Like, what's going on? Because people, I guess you look at somebody and you're like, aw, this much. But then people could just be smaller or bigger.

Who's to say, who's to know? I guess? People could be smaller or bigger. People can be smaller, smaller or bigger. Who's to say? Nobody knows except for the scale. That's, that's it. Well, some people also could be, have muscles,

but be a small person and weigh more, or someone could be tall, or you know, like there's different factors as to how someone's- Yes, I think what I was trying to say in my weird cryptic way was I like on like Instagram, whatever, when they show like eight women who weigh the same, but their body shapes are different.

That to me is really interesting. Yeah. Because only the scale really knows. Yeah, only the scale really knows. Should we help people? Yeah, let's help people. Hi, Nicole. Hi, Sasheer.

I love you both so much. I need some advice. I have this best friend, let's call her Jenny. Jenny and I have been best friends for about six years now and like name basis best friends. We tell each other we're best friends, we tell and like name basis best friends we tell each other we're best friends we tell everyone that we're best friends because we are best friends like she's just my favorite person we finally decided to go on a

trip together so we planned a trip down south we went to New Orleans and we went to the beach it was really really fun And then the last night of the trip, we are walking barefoot on the beach and it's like dark outside. And like, if I was there with a partner, I'm gay by the way, if I was there with a partner, it would be so romantic,

but I was loving it because I was there with her. And we had gotten in conversations before about like, what was the first guy she ever found attractive? What was the first guy I ever found attractive? I mentioned like, yeah, there's only ever been three women I've ever had a crush on and we laughed about it. And she like brought that back up on the beach and she was like, you know,

I've been thinking about something a lot. And I was like, what? And she told me that she had kind of developed feelings for me and it was like based off of how I was talking about, I've had feelings for women before. It was very uncomfortable. We came back from the trip. We still haven't talked and that was two months ago. We've talked a lot since, but we've just never talked about that. Should I ignore it forever?

Should I talk about it? Let me know what you guys think. Thank you guys so much. I love you. I've listened to your podcast for years. You guys are wonderful. Bye bye. I would never bring it up again,

but I know that they need to. Well, I guess it depends on how they want this person in their life. Do they still wanna be best friends? Have things been awkward since you guys got back from the trip? If things aren't awkward and it's just like chill and it's like, well, that was crazy,

then I guess maybe you don't need to say anything? Yeah. I think if things have been awkward or weird or off, then it's like, hey, girl, let's acknowledge. Yeah. And then also, I need to know if drinking was involved. Sometimes people get in their feelings when they're drinking.

And being a single woman, I have thrown myself at so many gay friends being like, are you sure? I mean, really? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. But it's one thing to be like, I'm horny and drunk, but it's another thing to say, I've developed feelings for you.

And, but then I guess the feelings were developed because she was aware that he has had crushes on women. Yeah, it's a glimmer of hope. I get it. Yeah. I get it. You're just like, oh my God, this man that I'm so close to who like genuinely loves me in a friendship way

has been attracted to women before, so maybe I could be that woman. And maybe it'll be like this easy thing to transition from friendship to like being in a relationship. And it honestly might've just been like a vacation thought. You know, sometimes you get a little wild on vacation. You're like, what if we sail the seven seas and like steal the declaration of independence? And then you like get home and you're like,

what was I thinking? You're dying for an adventure. I really am. You gotta see face off. You two will be inspired. All right. But I think if nothing bad is happening, just let it go. Yeah.

If it seems like, yeah, you haven't missed a step and the relationship is still good, I think you might be fine. Yeah, or- Because also, what can you say? Because I guess nothing needs to be done. She probably feels embarrassed and probably won't bring it up again.

Unless she does, then that would be a problem. But it seems like she's willing to just be your friend. So then, yeah. And if you are comfortable being her friend still knowing that she has had those feelings, then that's that. But if you're like, I'm not comfortable being her friend knowing she has feelings for me or had feelings for me,

then that's something you should talk about too. Yeah. But also just remember, a woman having feelings for you isn't special or huge. I've had crushes on some of the nastiest people, the grossest people, people who look like nobody loved them ever at any point in their lives.

So like, don't let it go to your head. Yeah, I think you're right. She probably did have a crush or vacation feelings or was drunk or whatever. So like don't let it go to your head. Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. She probably did have a crush or vacation feelings or was drunk or whatever. And you know. Cause you, they went to like a romantic place. Like, you know, I was almost like,

we've been to romantic places. And I was like, I'll marry Sashir. And I'm like, no, that's never happened. Yeah. Not out loud anyway. Well, yeah. Cause I don't have romantic feelings for you. So I guess I don't get that.

Like, other than like my gay friends in high school that I was like, maybe she weren't. But as an adult, I'm like, I know what a friendship is and what isn't. But then sometimes friendships blossom. Now I'm just rambling. Yeah, but I think you're right. I think it was like, she's like, this is so easy.

I have this close relationship with a man. Maybe? Yeah. Oh, my God. Here's what I was thinking about. When we were on that boat in Hawaii, I thought it wasn't, I could marry you. It was, I want to marry some dolphins. I was trying to, I was like, I wanted to marry somebody on a trip with you.

Dolphins. Dolphins. All right. Solved. Solved. Um, this is from a person. First, can I say, I love when you discuss sex in the city. My hot take is Anthony doesn't get enough screen time in the series and he's the only good thing about it and just like that, his dynamic with Charlotte is just chef's kiss. Anyway, you know what? I disagree with that.

I really do feel like his relationship with Stanford was forced. They were like, we need to just bring another queer or gay man on this show for Stanford. And I'm like, but why? They had nothing in common and then they end up together. Yeah. And I know some, you know, there's odd couples out there, but I was like, they hated it.

Anyway, I mean, enemies to lovers is a trope, I guess, but they just didn't fit to me. Anyway, I'd love your thoughts on my predicament. I, female, 32, and my partner, male, 34, have been together for eight years. Wow. We have great sex often for the first two years, but since then, it's been on a steady decline

down to three times a year. We've done all the standard things to troubleshoot. He doesn't have low T, self-guided couples therapy via apps, and talking about it. Turns out he has some hangups from his ex, who he said treated him like a booty call. So here I am, a very sexual 32-year-old woman, wondering if I should stick it out with this lovely human.

We connect on every level but sex. So I don't know if it's worth throwing all that away so I can mess around with randoms, to put it bluntly. To add, I'd love to bring up the idea of an open relationship. I'd have no issue with him building up his own sex drive by having sex with different people, but I'm unsure how to bring it up.

What would you do in my situation? I don't quite understand the hangup. He's got hangups from his ex who said he treated him like a booty call. But they've been together for eight years. Why are you still thinking about your ex? That's almost a decade. Yeah.

And it makes even less sense because they started off their relationship having great sex. So you didn't have a hangup about it the first couple years that you dated, but now. Eight years into this relationship, all of a sudden your ex is affecting you? I don't know.

It's a little fishy. It's a little fishy. I need more information. I want to know, did you ask... why after eight years? Sounds like they've done a lot. They've done a couple's therapy, they talk about it, they checked his testosterone levels. His hangups from an ex, you treated him like a booty call.

But if you're treating him differently, I feel like in eight years that heals. Like he has to know you committing for eight years is not a booty call. Unless it's a really consistent booty call. is not a booty call. Unless it's a really consistent booty call, ooh, ooh. I think people should not be afraid to analyze the hard stuff.

And it could be this relationship has run its course. It's okay to say we love each other, we get along really well together, we had a great relationship and a great dynamic, but if it's not working, it's not working. And not that sex is the end all be all, but. But it is an important aspect to a relationship. Yeah.

And if you're not happy with that aspect, there is somebody else out there who can make you happy. And sure, maybe you'll have to hook up with a bunch of randos to like figure it out. But you know, at the end of the journey, you'll probably end up with someone who you're more compatible with, because it seems like you're not compatible sexually.

And I don't think an open relationship, I don't think an open relationship is like a catch-all fix thing that a lot of people seem to think it is. It's like, okay, so you open the relationship, his sex drive doesn't change, you get to have more sex with different people, is that fulfilling, is that happy?

Is that what you want? Or another worst case scenario, he starts sleeping with other people, but still can't sleep with you. Yes. Then you're like, well, what does this mean? Maybe he wants to be treated like a booty call? I don't know. I don't know either.

Because also, you know, she needs to be sexually fulfilled, and so does he. Like, he might not be satisfied, but he doesn't know how to say that. Like, you, there might be a loss of intimacy here that no one's talking about. That's not just sex. It's like maybe something's gone or fading or transitioning.

But no one knows how to say it out loud because they're like, but it feels nice still. Like, the relationship still feels nice, which is, that's possible. That's, yeah. But you don't want to like stay in a long term relationship with like a buddy. No.

Yeah, I think, yeah, you got to make yourself happy. You're 32, you're still young. Yeah. Even if you were 82, I'd be like, get out there, throw that pussy around. Throw it around. Throw it around. Throw it around. Throw that ass back.

Yeah. Yeah, I... And also, I do think relationships go through dips. You know? Like, I think... sometimes someone is less sexual than you are, or vice versa. But I think it's like, as long as this person is working on it, also do they drink?

Like sometimes drinking will make you less, you know, sexually active or whatever. Is he working out? Or actually just, yeah, just be like, if you don't wanna have sex with me, do you wanna have sex with other people? Yeah. Yeah, I would just point blank ask.

After eight years, I think I would do it. Yeah, and it's not clear when they started not having good sex, because she said the first two years were great, and then it's been a steady decline to three times a year. So was it like six years of three times a year? Or even four years? I think it went from every day the first year.

Damn, every day? Seven days a week. And then the second year, I think it went down to three days a week. And then the third year, it went down to one day a week. And then the fourth year, it went down to every other month. And then the fifth year-

That's actually a steep decline. What happened to that fourth year? I don't know. The ex's booty call really got brought up. And then I think they were doing seasonally for like two years. Like once in the winter, once in the spring, once in the summer, once in the fall.

And then it became three times a year when they lost the summer because it was too sweating. Yeah. I think you're out of something. But yeah, I think you gotta do what makes you happy. I think have a big long talk about it. And be like, what are your expectations for this relationship?

What are your expectations for me? How can we fix this? Do you want to fix this? Yeah. Are you cheating on me with somebody else? All valid questions. Tail him in a car. Tail him?

Oh my god. Follow him. Stop trying to send everyone on adventures. You've gotta watch Face Off. Solved. Solved. And we can solve your questions and queries. If you email Nicole and Sasheer at jmel.com,

we also have a phone number 424-645-7003. We also have merch at podswag.com slash best friends. And we have transcripts for our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com. Lastly, don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That is the easiest way to support this show. Well, see you later, Sashir. See you later, Nicole.

I'll face off with you later. I'll face off with you later. I'll face off with you later. I like that you just repeated it. You didn't even add to it. I'll face off with you later. I'll face you're off. Wait. Huh? Let's remake face off.

OK. So I, you will be John Travolta, the FBI agent. I will be Nicolas Cage, the bad guy. And it, you will be John Travolta, the FBI agent. I will be Nicholas Cage, the bad guy. And it's going to be great. Great. Who do we talk to? Hollywood? Hello, Hollywood. We would like that please. Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, maybe a TV series. Sure. Oh, are there multiple face swaps? Everyone's swapping faces. It's a hot new age. And we don't even know who's who. We don't know. Everyone's like, ah, who are you? Alright, well we'll get on that. Bye. Bye.