Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata - Sasheer Is a Taurus (but Nicole Can’t Remember)

Episode Date: April 26, 2023

Excuse me, hi how are you?!? This week on Best Friends, Nicole and Sasheer return back to their love of Free Guy - warning **SPOILERS** ahead. They discuss air fryers, fl-Orida frenchies, where the phrase “egg on your face” comes from, why is Joe Biden so old, Nicole’s nail problems and more! They take a quiz to see what kind of best friendship they have, and answer listener questions about how to learn more about your friends, and being honest with toxic friends.  Here is the quiz we took - https://www.buzzfeed.com/angelicaamartinez/friendship-test Email or call Nicole & Sasheer with your friendship questions at:[e-mail] Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link https://siriusxm.com/friends and code FRIENDS.

excuse me oh hello hi how are you good hi how are you i'm good thank you for asking what are you doing i'm just i'm just hanging out doing a podcast my best friend oh that's me that's you what are you doing oh listen i'm just hanging out doing podcasts with my best friend what that's crazy in that while that we're both doing the same thing at the same time. Do-da-dee-dee. Do-da-dee-dee. Okay. Have you watched Free Guy again? No. I need to. After all of our discussions. Okay.

This is wild. I can't believe you haven't watched it again. I'm not watching really anything. I'm going straight to sleep after work. Oh, yeah. I guess you're working. I'm not working right now now so i have all the time in the world to watch and re-watch everything i've ever wanted to in my whole life and i've been re-watching free guy i love free guy it's a perfect movie if you don't know what it is it stars ryan reynolds and ryan reynolds works at the bank in a video game and you find out that he's a non-playable character and then there's two

people keys and his partner she goes by molotov chicken in the game but i cannot remember her name outside of the game anyway they sold their game to taika watiti and he took their game shelved it but used their technology in his game called free city so they're trying she's like in the game trying to get secrets from people and she meets guy played by ryan reynolds who is a non-playable character but somehow has started playing the game and racking up points and everyone's like who is guy what is he doing and then oh wait i shouldn't ruin the movie should i i mean it's been out for a while so then we find out that he is an ai and he's become like sentient or whatever and is like making choices on his own and so if like a bunch of other non-playable characters in

the movie and then they have to like defeat taika waititi and then their game like lives on or whatever but like the most interesting thing about it is the woman who like designed the game falls in love with guy and i was like guy likes all the same things she likes because it was written by her partner who wrote guy as like a love letter to her but then she falls in love with the love letter to her i'm like so you essentially fell in love with yourself and that's the big revelation that i had but aren't we attracted to people who like the same stuff not like yeah you've exactly but yeah you have things in common i found out me i don't I don't even know what app it was on, but my partner and I are 74% similar, which seems really good. Seems like it's not too similar. It's not 100%

because then, you know, there'd be no surprises, but it's not like 25% where it's like, do we even have anything to talk about? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you do fall in love with people who like the same things as you, but it was just like a lot of the same things.

And then you find out it was written for her, about her. And then she falls. Like, that's wild to me. That's very funny. written for her, about her. And then she falls.

Like, that's wild to me. That's very funny. Mm-hmm. Mm. But I guess I would fall in love with a version of myself. I like me. Yeah. But yeah, I was just,

I sent you several messages about this movie. I really enjoyed it. Because I was watching it and I was like, oh my God. Mm-hmm. I really enjoyed it. Just these unexpected messages about free guys. I really enjoyed it. Just these unexpected messages about free guys.

It's funny because sometimes people will tweet at me. They're like, you're my best friend in my head. I'm like, you have no idea what being my best friend entails. You have no idea the types of messages you would get. I think most people would hate it. They'd be like, why is she talking about free? Who cares about this movie? I was like was like all right let's actually analyze this why does she fall in love with herself and that's why i appreciate you because this went back and

forth like three or four times and we still don't have an answer but like that's okay but once i watch it again, I'll have more insight. Also, there's so many, I think I've told you this, there's so many fun people in the movie that you don't expect. Like Tina Fey's in the movie. Hugh Jackman's in the movie. Wait, their voices? Hugh Jackman's voice, yes.

But it's presented as him as a person in the game. And Tina Fey's voice is the mom of Channing Tatum's character's player. I've really got to rewatch this because I do not remember any of this. Chris Evans is also in it. Do not remember. At the end.

Was he at the coffee shop or something or like no because something happens with marvel and then he's watching the game being played and he's like really oh i love this movie i wish I could go back in time. Oh my God. If I had a time machine, I would go back in time and try to get in that movie. Like as an actor,

but not in the video game. Oh no, I don't want to get in the video game. The video game is not real. I want to get in the video game. The video game's not real. I want to get in the movie. Because that's real. And I could be a non-playable character in the movie. That's fine.

Or I could be anything. I don't know. But I would go back in time and weasel my way into that movie. So then I could watch it now and be like, I'm in it. watch it now and be like i'm in it i but i wonder if you would still enjoy it as much if you were in it because you would know all the like background stuff and all the you would know how the sausage was made you know oh no maybe i wouldn't enjoy it as much. Uh-oh. Oh. Oh, God. And I'd have all the memories and stuff of making it.

Mm-hmm. And I was like, but maybe I'll, like, hit my head a bunch so, like, I forget. Or just maybe it's the best the way it is now that you're not in it and you get to enjoy it as much as you want. But if I have a time machine, I gotta figure out where I'm going. I want to go to Free Guy Productions. Free Guy Productions. The time machine's like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, Free Guy, production time. I don't know what year they started.

If you figure it out. Oh, God. I keep picking the dumbest places to go in my time machine i think i wanted to go in the future to see if i was married and then i wanted to go back in time to go to free guy production i've yet to say anything of value with time travel yeah so far nothing that impacts society at all no but that's okay huh but like okay i feel like i've asked you where you're going and i feel like you said something good not in the past i'd rather go to the future yeah yeah me too how many years in the future would you go maybe like 60 years 60 years because maybe i would still understand what was happening a little bit but it is more advanced that hopefully like there's some real change

but yeah i wouldn't want to do like hundreds or thousands of years because the things might be so different that i wouldn't know how to be in the world, if that makes sense. Oh, I didn't even think of that. Yeah, when you are time traveling alone, you have to think about if I go too far, there's going to be things I just won't understand.

Mm-hmm. There's already things I don't understand. Like what? Like, like, TikTok? TikTok is hard. There's already things I don't understand. Like what? Like, like, tricking TikTok.

TikTok is hard. It's hard. It's too complicated. Or some stuff on my iPhone I don't understand. I don't understand most stuff on my iPhone. Someone tries to show me how to share a location. I still don't know how to do it. Never heard of it.

I'll never tell you where I am because I don't know how to. It's not because I'm being private. I just don't know how. I'm not mysterious. I'm an idiot. Oh, have you heard of, I think it's a legacy contact i think it's or something like that it's where if you die you can well before you die before you die you can make someone a legacy contact and that person can have access to everything on your phone or all everything in the cloud if you want them to you to sign off on it and so when you pass that

person will be like okay here's like their records and their passwords and all their info and stuff that might be important that's honestly a good idea because all of our lives are just stuck in our phones. This is true. Wild. How truly wild. How do you set it up? How do you like, what do you like,

I got to get in my phone and be like, legacy. You know, I didn't do research on that, but, and that's okay. But someone told me about it. I was like,

interesting. And then that was the end of it. that was it i gotta say i do love that they call it a legacy because it's like a lot of people aren't leaving a legacy you know a lot of people are just leaving this earth and it's fine you know and i love that we're just like legacy throwing that word around yeah the legacy i'm leaving behind is a lot of like silly drafts of jokes memes oh jordan found jordan knows how to do it okay you go to settings tap your name password and security and then there's legacy contact that's actually fewer steps than i thought easy maybe i'll say you as my legacy contact really i'll say you as my legacy contact

oh my god really i wasn't expecting a return that's so nice oh my god okay i will do it yes i will take all of the responsibility i will spread the news of your legacy spread my legacy far and wide you know what's interesting if you time traveled like say you try you time traveled like in the future from like 15 years ago and you got to now. I would be so confused as to why some stores don't take cash. I'd be like, wait, what? Because I live in now.

I live right now. Yeah. And I try to give people cash and they go, we don't take that here. And I'm like, but it's money. Yeah, it's strange. Wild. It's very strange. Wild.

I truly don't think it should be legal. It's classist. What if you don't have a should be legal it's classist what if you don't have a bank account with a debit card these are all great points you know what if a friend without a bank account is trying to get some tender greens

because that was my first interaction with we don't take cash and I was like what it is strange but they're not thinking about people without bank accounts no and it's so rude so rude and you can't even open a venmo account without a bank account either really oh yeah because i guess it links to your bank account so yeah oh yeah i guess if you don't have a bank account, you're kind of fucked. You are fucked, dude. You gotta go to McDonald's.

I think they still take cash. That's the only place. McDonald's is the last place that takes cash. You can't even go to Burger King. You gotta go to McDonald's. Ugh. I just thought about grocery shopping at McDonald's. And there's no way to reheat those burgers.

Yeah, I wouldn't advise it. Oh, I wonder if you could do it in an air fryer. Maybe. I mean, air fryers, the way I see them on videos aggregated from TikTok onto Instagram, it feels. it feels like air fryers are this like magical thing that makes every food taste like it's the way it's supposed to be when you reheat it it does feel that way yes do you have an air fryer did you get one i do it's big she is cumbersome have you used it but she does make good frenchies oh you mean frenchies from scratch? No, are you kidding? French fries from scratch?

You think I have time to wash a potato, peel a potato, cut a potato, soak a potato? Whatever you got to do to the potato, put it in the air fryer to cook the potato. No, I got Oreida. Oreida. I think that's what the company's called. I think you're right. Orrida? Orrida?

Floerida? Floemilly? Whatever those Frenchies are, I put those, I threw them frozen in my preheated air fryer, fried them up for like six to eight minutes, and they were pretty fucking tasty and crunchy. Well, well, well, look at that. Yeah, what have you made in your air fryer? You know, I didn't make anything, but people have made...

Sure, sure. Broccoli, Brussels sprouts, salmon one time, it was very good. Hash browns oh uh you can't remember what else but yeah alaska john millheiser once made hash browns that were so good i was like i was like how did you do this? And he's like, Nicole, I shredded potatoes and then I fried them. And I was like,

yum, but like, these taste like they're from a fucking restaurant. He was like, it's not hard. And then he walked me through how to do it

and it wasn't that hard. But, I'll never do it again. Don't you need like a lot of oil? Yeah, it was pretty oily. Yeah. Yeah, because you gotta like deep fry them kind of or whatever i don't know cooking is just like

hard it's hard you know and you gotta clean it all up and shit no thanks i don't get joy from it i don't get joy from it either I don't get joy from it either. And I just broke my nail in my refrigerator. So now I'm like, I don't want to be in the kitchen. Like, this kitchen attacked me. I'm mad at the kitchen. And you attacked me. Mm-hmm. I'm furious at the kitchen.

Yeah, I guess so. It doesn't hurt that much anymore. But I have to go through the... it's the same nail that i broke when we went to mexico oh um i know lord this nail i know we gotta get rid of it we gotta throw her away um but i'm gonna have to like take the acrylic off oh god i'm not excited about it how do you take the are you do you have to go to salon to do this are you doing it at home no i can do it at home um for the most part i think i can um i didn't even let them grow out that long so like the issue my nails will crack horizontally if i let them grow out too long and

i don't know why um but like i don't know it's just two weeks. It's not that bad. But now I'm just like on my calendar every two weeks. I have to go. Um, cause I'm not, don't, don't even think about it. I'm not getting rid of my fake nails. It's just like, not going to happen. Um, I'd rather live in pain and misery and have my nails. Actually, no, I don't want to live in pain and misery. I don't want that to the heavens. Um, I just want them to be fine and good all the time yeah anyway um yeah i could do it myself it's not that hard do you think maybe like like why are your nails i mean i know you're like literally hitting the nail but do you are do you think that maybe the acrylics are making the actual nail weaker yeah probably yeah they're like filing them down and putting an unnatural thing on top yeah what if you like gave them a break a little for a little bit oh no no look they look so good

they do look great so maybe like you alternate like for two weeks or i don't know a month you have them and maybe like a couple weeks you don't have them no okay but thank you for your interest in the topic i just really gotta be more careful about not shutting my fingers and fucking refrigerator doors yeah because this would have hurt my finger whether i had nails or not this is true lord jesus life is hard and that's all i gotta say about that life is hard baby but also life is good so the rental house that i'm in has these like there's some like corny stuff all over you've seen there's like coffee mugs that are like don't drink me don't talk to me until i have my coffee or whatever and like there's like it's like a bunch of stuff from target or something and there are these baskets in the closet in the bathroom that say

it's like i think it's live love laugh and they make me so mad because it's live laugh love so mad because it's live laugh love that's usually what people say live laugh love but they put live love laugh love and i think maybe like it's it's like one on top of the other so they wanted to laugh on the bottom because it has the most letters uh-huh but it just is not how people say it and it no infuriates me can you turn this basket around i can but i still know i still know the truth i mean it is live laugh love like i don't know why you'd like why would you change it Why would you defer from what we all know? As if I've never heard that saying. Maybe Live, Laugh, Love is trying to rebrand. They shouldn't.

Live, Love, Laugh. It doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound right. Live, Love, Laugh. Yeah, because you should laugh before you love. You gotta. You're gonna fall in love with someone you don't laugh with. Yeah.

You don't fall in love, then laugh. That's insane. That's truly wild. It's unhinged. Fully unhinged. Sick, if you will. I can't believe it. And I'm like, who sold that to the owners of this home?

Not a Marshalls. Not a TJ Maxx. No, they would never. No. I wonder if they went to a Ross. No, I feel like even Ross wouldn't do that. Not a Target. Maybe Walmart.

Could be Walmart. They don't care. Walmart is lawless. Walmart don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They're here. Were you a Walmart girl growing up or a target girl i was a walmart girl because it was right next to a movie theater and also next to a cc's pizza which was a pizza

buffet restaurant so my friends would like go watch a movie get some pizza at cc's and then we'd walk around walmart because it's 24 hours so we would just like walk around and like play with stuff or we even didn't steal anything we would just like try stuff on and put it back wait for our parents to pick us up jordan were you a walmart girl or a target girl my dad hates walmart so i was the target girl but to be fair i was also like i was more of a k-mart sears jc petty girl so i was a k-mart girl and then we also had this store called bradley's that nobody has ever heard of but but it's an East Coast thing. I loved Bradley's.

They had such a good clothing section. And then Bradley's closed, and then we became a Target family. Mm-hmm. Target has good stuff. Target has great stuff. I mean, after the dentist, I'm, you know, Xanax down and walking around Target having a nice time. And I buy everything you could fathom. Candles, books. I buy so many books at Target. My of swimsuits from Target. I got a bunch of toilet paper from Target. Because I got a gift card. Because I famously do not buy toilet paper.

But I got a gift card from Target. So I was like, that's not my money. So technically, I'm not actually buying with my money because it was a gift. And I did not anticipate how much toilet paper you get for $200. How much toilet paper is that? I can't remember how many rolls it is, but it's so much.

It's in every cabinet of my house. It is wild. I did bad. Some of it's in my basement. I'll never run out. There you go. But it doesn't stop me from taking toilet paper from venues that i'm at because the target toilet paper may run out and then what oh we don't want

to find out no we're gonna have egg on my face on the toilet egg on your face on the toilet no no isn't that the saying egg on your face yeah it is okay good i'm glad i got it right i don't know why it's the saying i don't know what scenario would be in where egg would be on your face if you're collecting eggs from the hens and one gets mad at you and launches one in your face you're like oh my god i'm so embarrassed i got my face jordan do you mind looking up where that saying comes from? She's on it. Imagine a chicken got so mad at you it threw an egg at you. That would be so funny.

Okay. This expression first appeared in the mid-20th century America. It quickly made its way into the British parlance. What is that word? Parlance? Hmm. Okay. The exact origin is unclear. So to speculate that it might come from

eating eggs and having some of the food stuck on one's face in an embarrassing way? I don't know. It feels like there's more to it. I think it comes from a performance where you do bad and people throw eggs at you. Maybe. Ah, there we go.

The phrase egg on one's face is an American idiom. Through the origins are murky. One possible source goes back to popular theater during the 1800s and early 1900s. Subpar actors would often be pelted with rotten vegetables and eggs. Ending up with egg on their face. How that's so awful funny babe do you want to go to the theater tonight make sure you bring your all our rotten vegetables yeah let's bring all our trash

so if that guy's still in the show that we don't like let's throw shit at him how interesting yeah they would have to bring that stuff to the theater that's so rude i don't want to live back then like that's unhinged that's truly what a horrible horrible thing to like you're like i did it mom come see me in the play i got the part i wanted we've been working we've been workshopping for weeks i'm so excited fucking william shakespeare handpicked me and then you fucking go to perform and people throw shit at you not in my america can you imagine the security back then like today it's you go this you can go to the theater and people have to check your bags to see if there's any weapons. But then back then, can you imagine like, ma'am,

this is your fifth time at the theater and why do you always have rotten tomatoes with you? Like, you can't bring these in. Yeah. That would be very funny. Ma'am, you have to bring these home. I also feel like throwing

tomatoes would be so fun that regardless of the performance, people would just do it anyway. I think they would just want to throw it. They wouldn't be discerning and be like, well, that was actually a really good performance, so I will take my tomatoes home. You're like

the only one in the audience who's throwing the tomatoes, but you're like, actually, it's really good. I just really wanted to throw these tomatoes. I can't bring them with me. I gotta leave i gotta leave i can't bring these back home sorry but like i would maybe quit acting if someone threw something at me oh my god i sent you a video of those girls they had a song in like the early 90s, like, you, you, G-L-Y, you ugly. Yeah, yeah, you ugly. They went to like some festival

where people threw like bottles and cans and someone threw a wheelchair at them. And one of the girls was quoted being like, someone hated us so much that they lost their mobility. It was really funny. So hard. It was so funny. Someone hated us laugh so hard. It was so funny. I hated it so much that they lost their mobility.

Imagine throwing your wheelchair on stage and then being like, all right, you gonna carry me home? Yeah, like, oh, I just can't go home now. Someone has to literally carry me. Someone has to throw my wheelchair back at me. It was Daphne and Celeste. Yes. God, I think they should make a comeback. I like that song. Throw my wheelchair back at me. It was Daphne and Celeste. Yes. God.

I think they should make a comeback. I like that song. Yeah. They seemed fun. Apparently they were like a, like a, they were just trolls. They were trolling everyone

and everyone hated them. I love it. Which is really funny. They do very well today. I think so. Bring them back. Who do we speak to? Biden.

Wake up, Joe Biden. We want them to come back. Celeste and Daphne, wake up, Joe. I recently just watched a video of Joe Biden with a turkey where he was talking and then put the microphone in front of the turkey's mouth. And I was like, is this a joke or does joe biden really think this turkey's gonna talk to him and i really think we need term limits on age like i just yeah like he's too old yes too old these all of these men are too fucking old yeah he's what 110 that's too old

he lived through the medieval times he's too old he doesn't even need a time machine he can just think about his memories just his memory bank is a time machine because he's so fucking old we let him have it. Should we do a quiz?

Yeah, let's do a quiz. Oh, boy. You pick one. Oh, have we done this one? Science says there's six types of friendships, which is yours. Do we do that one? No? I don't think so.

I don't think so. Let's see what science says about our friendship. I ain't never heard of it. I'd love to hear what science says. I'd love to hear what science says. I'd love to hear what science says. Come on, science. Let's get sickening. Okay. How many people are in your friend group, including yourself? Just me and my BFF. Three. Four. Five to seven. Eight to ten. Four. Five to seven.

Eight to ten. Eleven plus? Oh, boy. Well, okay, this is a tough question for me. I have several different friend groups. Same. I think your best friend group, I guess. My best friend group?

Mm-hmm. But, like, they're different. Like, if we're rating, like, okay, so if this is, like, MySpace days, you'd be my number one. Oh, thank God. And then I do have like a top eight. Including myself. I'm going to say five to seven. Okay, well, I was going to say just me and my BFF, but I guess you have a lot more friends than me.

Okay. You have other BFFs? Yeah, but they're not in a group. You're the group fine no i mean technically yes you're a group no no it's fine you can have five to seven oh it's fine oh my god but maybe that's too many because i'm trying to think of like who i would have in my bridal party yeah i think five to seven okay yeah All right. How often do you talk? Every day. Every few days. At least once a week. At least once a month. We talk sporadically. Once every few months. Okay, so I did this wrong

because I don't talk to my bridal party okay so maybe i just focus on our best friendship which is just me and you it would be nice yeah okay so can we go back okay perfect i've been bullied um so i would say every day. Same, every day. Unless you're talking to one of your other best friends. I don't know. Do you and your BFFs have a name for your friend group? Okay, you know what? I understand this now. This isn't like all of my friend groups.

This is one friend group that I have to pick. And I picked you because this is what our podcast is about okay so i retract that i was bullied i simply didn't understand because i am an idiot no you're not an idiot thank you that was a test to see if my best friend would stick up for me. Okay. Yes. Do we have a name for our group? No.

Something simple like squad. Ew. If you ever, ever rolled up to my house and I got in the car and you were like, squad assembled, I would get out of the car. I might get back in, but I would definitely get out of the car and be like, what? Yes, it's all of our names combined. It's an inside joke. Yes, we have multiple names we've had like 65 different names at this point i don't think any of my friendships have a name no not as an adult no no yeah as a kid maybe but i'm a grown-ass woman well what would ours be sacole nashir or um maybe like

the flock the flock the flock the flock has landed and everyone turns around and they're like oh it's just two people because we love birds we do love birds and i feel like you

love birds like the flock of birds i don't know okay the flock of birds i won't i won't shoot it down that's good but uh two little birdies uh birds two turtle doves two turtle doves. Two turtle doves. Ooh, what is that song? Blackbird. Singing in the dead of night. That one. Blackbird. That did not make it clear.

Blackbird. Oh, oh, I know. It's a song. It's like black bird black bird and it's like it's like soulful kind of um and it's a woman singing it i think i don't know if it's black bird black velvet Black Bird. Black Velvet. Black Velvet. That one? I think that's it. Wait, can you play it?

Yeah, I'm gonna make... Please. Let me just see if this is the right song. I can't believe I thought they were saying Black Bird this whole time. It's not even the same amount of syllables. This is the song I was thinking of. And I can't believe they're not saying Blackbird. Wow. I don't, I don't. Wow.

I don't, I don't. So wait, what is she saying in the first? It's black velvet. Because here's what I thought it was. Black bird and the lady boy smile. The lady boy smile? That's what I hear. I thought it was maybe little boy smile.

Velvet lyrics. And that wasn't Stevie Nicks? Black Velvet and that Little Boy, that was not Stevie Nicks. A lot of mine. A lot of mine. Black Velvet with that slow southern style. I thought that was Stevie Nicks singing him and I saw a different name.

I can't believe how wildly I have fucked these lyrics up. So if you rewrote it, it would be Blackbird and that little boy's smile. Blackbird with that slow southern style. A new religion that'll bring you, bring you to your knees. Blackbird, if you please. That's your version uh-huh it is

wow this year do you think you would have ever gotten there and figured out that was the song i was talking about nope no i was still convinced you were singing the Beatles version of Blackbird, but what you were... How does that go? Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly. I've never heard that. Oh, I have

heard that. Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Oh. Take these broken wings and learn to fly. Oh. Oh. Well, that's like setting people up for a disaster. Take these broken wings and learn how to fly? Hmm.

Interesting, yeah. Rude. How are you supposed to fly with broken wings? Yeah. But to answer the question, our friend group doesn't have a name. Oh, yeah. No. Okay. Where do you usually hang out?

At school. At one of our houses. Just online. At work. At a bar or restaurant. Any and everywhere, to be honest um i'm gonna say at school i'm kidding i'm gonna say anywhere and everywhere to be honest i was gonna say at one of our houses although we do also meet at restaurants and bars we do we go everywhere and anywhere to be honest to be honest just to be honest

i'm gonna say uh uh at a bar restaurant we do love to eat which of these words most closely fits the vibe of your friend group? Funny. Lifelong. Supportive. Casual.

Family. Iconic. Wow. An iconic friendship. Our friendship is truly iconic. I mean, these are i would pick family i would pick supportive i would pick lifelong i would pick funny and also iconic but if i had to pick one i'm going to say lifelong oh yeah i'm gonna say lifelong too good because like if our friendship stops i don't know what i'll do one of your friends just recently had a bad breakup what do you do

call or text to see if they're okay order them take out. Invite them to a party or a club. Show up at their home with ice cream. Make the perfect breakup playlist. Devise a plan to get back at their ex for hurting them. I mean, I feel like you would do that. I mean, you wouldn't execute it, but you would make the plan. No, but I'd have a plan in hand. So that's my answer.

I would definitely devise a plan to get back at their ex for hurting them imagine me nicole yes you finally gets into a relationship it's been years in the making and then they go fuck you bitch i hate you and then they throw all my stuff uh out of my own home in the street and then they drive away with tires screeching and i call you sobbing i say it's this year he threw my stuff out of my own house and took off screeching what would you do i would devise a plan to get back at them hell yeah okay what if they softly break up with me and they're just like hey this isn't working and i I would devise a plan to get back at them. Hell yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay, what if they softly break up with me and they're just like, hey, this isn't working. And I call you and I'm like, so sure.

He just said it. They said it wasn't working. Then I would call or text to see if you're. No, I would show up at your home. Yes. With ice cream. Yes. That's nice because I know how much you don't like cold things.

I don't, but I would get it for you. I just watch you eat it. That makes me happy. Off the top of your head, do you know all of their birthdays? No, I don't. No, but they're all on my calendar. I know like half of them. I know most of them, I think.

Yes, 100%. I know everyone's birth chart by heart. I don't know your birth chart, but I know your birthday, and I know that you're a Gemini. Are you talking to me? You're not a Gemini? No. What are you? to me? You're not a Gemini? No. What are you? Aries? Nicole!

Hello. What do you mean? Sagittarius. What's happening? I guess I don't... I know your birthday. You have to know what sign i am it's uh i have clues all over the place uh well scorpio

wait how do i not know this you're not a gemini no oh and you're not Aries and you're not Sagittarius you're definitely not Virgo because that's what I am and you're not a Leo um Cancer no I set them off you sure didn't

think about my living room when you enter my home yes maybe the rest of us on the walls. A bull. Okay. Which is? The bull sign. And that is?

Bulls. Chicago bulls. A Taurus. Oh my God. Wild. Wild. You're a Taurus? Yes.

That's crazy. We've done astrology readings on this show. I have a bull tattooed on my arm. Yes, you do. I don't know. And it's not for the chicago bulls wow i can't believe wait do you know my sign you're a virgo oh yeah a virgo virgo oh yeah yeah oh okay so you were taurus gemini rising yes I have my Gemini rising yes see I

knew Gemini was in you sure wow I'm humiliated okay no my god do I do I even know you i mean i'm questioning everything oh my god okay oh yeah the question was do we know each other's birthday yes 100% yes but only the birthday not anything else not anything else i was trying to go for i know everyone's birth chart by heart but i i sure don't. So I just have to go, yes, 100%, I just know your birthday. Which of the following sounds most like something you'd do together? Have a sleepover. Go to a concert.

Have a six-hour phone conversation. Have a dinner party. Go on a spontaneous road trip. Have a throwback movie marathon. Well, I feel like we'd have a six-hour phone conversation, but also, like, we'll go to a concert and have sleepovers. Yes. But I guess the thing that we do the most since we've been working

is six-hour phone conversations. Yeah, I agree. Okay. I would have a throwback movie um marathon with you but you won't watch movies with me anymore what

you said you don't want to show me movies anymore oh just movies I love I'll show you any old movie but not my like

like I'm not gonna show you Fast and the Furious one or the rest of them but i love we did see hobs and shaw and i loved it yes okay if they're released in a theater i'll bring you but i don't think it's for the home um i will not show you sister act ghost my, My Cousin Vinny Again, Cruelly Sue, or Death Becomes Her. Those I cannot show you.

Or The Mummy. Okay. How deep do your conversations get? Pretty surface level. We just send memes back and forth. We only have deep conversations once in a while. Pretty deep. We talk about very personal things.

They know everything about me. We have simultaneous existential crises a lot. Boy, I'm having a tough time reading. Extessential. Extessential. Say it. Extessential. Oh, no. Yes! Gotcha! existential say it it's the sense oh no nobody can say it jordan existential okay show off

hmm i'd say pretty deep we talk about very personal things i don't know everything about you you probably do know everything about me okay they know everything about me no they know everything about me except one thing don't you fucking dare do that what don't i know about you sashir if you're hiding something from me imagine i got on a plane i was like what are you hiding from me who's to say i'd be so mad oh my my God. I'm just kidding. You know everything. Well, now I'm like racking my brain. Like, what could I possibly not know about you? You know where you were born,

even though you're trying to hide that. I know you actually moved to New York, even though you're trying to lie about that. I know. Okay. I think I know. I think I know a lot. Yes.

I just named two things, but I can't think of it right now. There we go. Two things. Yup. Yup. That's all I need to know. That's it. That's it. No, you know. Okay. I think, you know, everything too. And then usually if I'm like, oh, I have to tell her this because she doesn't know this about me. Hmm. I can't think of anything new except this because she doesn't know this about me. I can't think of anything new. Except that my period now dribbles out of me. You know, I didn't know that before.

And thank you for telling me. It's because of the little rod in my arm. So it's not like a heavy flow. It's just like dribbles for seven days. It's wild. So now you know everything about me. Now you better give me one. Come on.

Let's see. Come on. Give me something. I gave you a good one. You did give me a good one. I've been hornier since I got off birth control. Oh. Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. What's going to happen when I get off birth control? Because I'm pretty horny with it. But you weren't on it before. No, but I was hornier before. Well, I guess I'm the same amount of horny, but I wonder if I'm going to get hornier if I ever get off of it. But I was on it since I was like 16.

So it was like, years of not knowing what it would be like without it. And then I got off it a couple years ago, and my body was like, whoo, we're awake. Your body was like, wake me up this time. Wake me up.

Remember when you sang little karaoke and it was a crowd pleasing favorite yes it very much was that's a great karaoke song it really is how many pictures do you and your friends have together none oh like literally five and none of them are good some but not a lot oh We have a good number of them. A lot. So many I can't even count them. So many I can't even count them. Yeah, we have a lot of pictures. No current ones, though, I don't think.

We have a lot of, like, back in the day pictures. We have current ones. Do we? We just went on vacation. We took pictures there. We have so many pictures together. It's outrageous. Any event we go to together,

we have pictures. We even have Gettys. We have Gettys together. Oh my word. Yeah. Wow. I'm dumb. No, it's okay. It's okay. Thank you for defending your friend.

Have you ever fought? No. Yes, but not a big fight. We have small, petty disagreements often. We have. We've had a few fights over the years. We've had one or two big blowups. Yes.

Three or more big fights, but we always make up. We haven't had like a big fight. No, I feel like we don't really have fights. We might have like misunderstandings or miscommunication or lack of communication. But I can't think of a time that we've like fought. Me either. So I'm going to say no. no i'm gonna say no too yeah i feel like anytime anyone's feeling some sort of way it's just because of like something wasn't said or something was misconstrued or someone namely me has made an

assumption that they made up in their head and has run with it. Oh, boy. And finally, how are your friends saved in your phone contacts? Their full name. Just their first name or their nickname. Their name and a series of related emojis. An inside joke. Something

funny or sweet. I don't have their number saved. That's insane. You can't be in a friendship and not save their number. Yeah. I think you're saved in my phone as first and last name. Yours is first and last name, but I have a unicorn emoji

in the middle of it. Oh, that's nice. So I guess I have a series of emojis. I think mine is just your first and last name and then a wonderful picture. Do you know what picture I have? I'm trying to remember. This is a bad hair day. Yes.

Okay. Who's who? you both got the same the friends who are basically siblings you and your besties are so close you consider them family it's true you know each other better than anyone else and are always together they're just as comfortable at your house as they are in their own true and your your parents pretty much as they are in their own. True. And your parents pretty much consider them to be their own children too. Yes. You've had your fair share of ups and downs over the years, but you love them to the moon and back no matter what. Yes.

Yes. Boy, oh boy. I love BuzzFeed. Thank you, BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed knows what's going on. Wait, should we help people? Yeah. Oh no, she's getting sleepy.

What time is it there? Seven. Oh, okay. Seven, eleven, make a wish. No. Eleven, eleven, you have to make the wish oh 7-11 order a slurpee it's 7-11 better get to 7-11 get yourself a slurpee hi my name is ashton my pronouns are she her if you're interested honestly as long as it's not

with disrespect call me anything. I don't care. Anywho, that was weird. Sorry. This is my first time doing this. Anyway, I might be telling on myself, but I have a little bit of an issue. It's just me, though. Like, so I have two besties.

Great. Love those gals. We'll do anything for them. But I was sitting and thinking, like like I feel like I don't know like basic friend stuff like you know if you were to ask me like put a gun to my head and ask me what's their favorite color um when exactly is their birthday uh what are their parents names couldn't tell you I'd be dead immediately and And so I want to, like, approach them and be like, hey, can we, like, have, like, a little fun, like, maybe make it a fun little game or something? But at the same time, like, I don't want to tell them myself and then be like, hey, you big dumb idiot.

We know this about you. You just don't listen. I don't know. Help, please. Thank you. Love the podcast. Open mouth, head back tackle every single time. 10 out of 10 would recommend., please. Thank you. Love the podcast. Open mouth, head back, tackle every single time. 10 out of 10 would recommend.

All right. Love you. Bye. Well, this is interesting because I have a best friend who doesn't know what sign I am, even though I feel like we've probably discussed it many times. So I totally understand. Wow. Wow.

Talking about me right in front of me oh wow i'm just kidding go on diva go on well i think things like their parents names or something i don't think i would expect you to remember my parents name even though you do know my parents' names. But I think it's okay to just ask. Like, because also people do like being asked for, like, their deal. Like, people are like, oh, you want to know more about me. That's great. I don't think people are going to like why are you asking i think it'll be like

it'll be nice because i'll be like oh they actually are invested in me and want to know more about me and they'll probably just like tell you yeah and i don't think you have to go as far as to like have a night together where you're like what are these things i think you could just like slip them into conversations yeah and yeah just be like oh wait what are these things i think you could just like slip them into conversations yeah and yeah just be like oh wait what are your parents names again like tell a story about your parents so then they'll tell a story about story about their parents and then be like what are their names again um and then if you have a bad memory you can write that shit down i have um a friend who has like under the um the like contact in his phone for me and the notes he has written

down things i like and don't like oh that's nice that's very smart yeah so it's just like oh it's right there he knows i don't like olives mustard or pickled things yuck yeah yeah but i think you just just ask because it's not that big a deal so jordan what do you what you gotta say jordan what's the juice i was just gonna add on to yours nicole that that's exactly what i did for my friends i've known my best friends for 10 plus years and i realized last year that i don't know they... If they had a favorite candy, what would it be? Or a favorite potato chip? If I wanted to send a care package, I really didn't know anything about them.

And so I literally, in my notes app, just randomly asked them questions and started writing it down. My best friend loves gummy candies and loves ruffled chips and a certain soda. So it's nice to have that information. And you can just share it as like, if I want to do a care package, what would I do? And I need to know your parents' names. Stuff like that. Yeah, I like that.

I like that too. Salt. Salt. One more. Ooh, okay. How to orchestrate a friend breakup hey nicole hey sashir i need some help distancing myself from a friendship slash possibly confronting them about their microaggressive ways i am queer not sure if that matters woman in my lates. I've been on my improv team for many years.

Through the team, I met this guy we'll call Adam, also gay, again, not sure if that matters. Adam went through a breakup during the pandemic, and I helped him find a place to live that happened to be down the street from me. Adam and I grew closer during this time, mostly due to our proximity, but I always felt like the friendship was one-sided. He would invite himself over a lot, eat our food, and never offer to help pay or make us food ever. I live with my partner, and she's a great listener, so he would essentially trauma dump on her as well in lieu of therapy. her as well in lieu of therapy. I shrugged most of this off as he was going through it until once we went for lunch and he ordered my food for me. I didn't ask him to do this, so I found it insane, but thought maybe I was overreacting. Then I noticed in any improv scene he was in with women slash femme people, he would immediately take over everything location relationship characters never leaving space for others he was doing sound tech once and we had a

stand-up guest and he interrupted them a femme person in the middle of their set for from the sound booth to tell a random story that wasn't funny wild um the last straw was that i drove him home the other night and he didn't even say thank you he then asked to hang out again but worded it worded it as you have an oven and i don't so can i use your oven to bake things for my boyfriend there are more things but i digress all this leads me to believe that he has a tendency to treat women with less respect and is a taker so how do i a break off this friendship while keeping the peace within my improv team, B, have a conversation on how he takes up space

as a cis white male and how he treats women in his life, whether he is conscious of it or not. O and C, what can I tell him next time we're at a show so I don't have to drive his ass home? Our shows are across town and he has never once offered gas money. Thanks, love you both.

Damn! Okay, there's a lot love you both. Damn. Okay. There's a lot of stuff here. Yeah. Hmm. I mean, you gotta talk about how he interrupted someone's stand-up set. That's literally,

truly unhinged. That's wild. That's very wild and disrespectful. Yeah, like, no matter who's on stage, like like you don't just interrupt a set to tell a story what i mean this person just sounds very selfish in so many ways like not consider it selfish i don't know i guess I don't know if that's related to being a man, but maybe. But also this person just might be a selfish person. Yeah. And there's probably like maybe give this person a chance to change, like tell them what's going on and maybe they can change it.

But also maybe the person writing in already knows this person that's not going to work. And that's why they're proposing a breakup and not how do I confront my friend about this? They say, how do I break up with this person? with this person yeah and boy oh boy as for the car rides to your shows sorry you had work or something and you're going straight from work to the show if they see your car near your home i don't give a shit like that's just your business you ended up getting home earlier i don't like i i think you use work as an excuse yeah I think that's a nice, easy thing. Or you don't even have to say work. I have a thing before improv that I can't pick you up for.

And that thing could be sitting in front of your TV. That doesn't matter. It's not his business. Or maybe you could be like, look, I'm trying to save money. If you can't chip in for gas or like when we go out to eat, if you can't like split the bill with me or like pay for some of these, like I can't really hang out. Yeah. And maybe the money conversation will be so uncomfortable, he'll stop hanging out with you. Because sometimes talking about money makes people feel very uncomfortable very uncomfortable um and then ordering for you the next if that ever happens

again i truly think you could be like oh no no no that's not what i'm having i'm gonna have this and then be like weird that you're ordering for me like what is that about i think that's a a very easy like what do you what is that about that's weird yeah this person not to be rude sounds like a weirdo and i don't like just screaming from the tech booth during a set is wild but it also just seems like maybe no one's ever told this person about themselves and they're just like running rampant being like yeah i mean i'm fun i'm fun and everyone loves my energy and i'm just wild and i say what i want i make choices the way i want and that's that but like no one's been like hey you should probably consider other people do that yeah yeah maybe like think about how that would make that person feel

or, like, think about contributing to the group or literally anything. Also, this might not be the nicest thing, but you could talk to other people in the improv group and be like, how are we feeling about the group as a whole is there anyone that maybe um my mouth maybe the maybe we trim the fat of the group a little bit like is there anyone that we think maybe we wouldn't want on the team

that's terrible it is terrible i don't like this person yeah yeah oh they're also like not not even like following basic improv rules you can't be the only one who chooses the locations and the characters and etc you have to listen and collaborate and yes and i mean also you can stop stepping out with them that's a choice you can make so you don't have to do scenes with them but i really do think it's like if you take them across town to the show you could be like oh uh just you know we had two shows this week so can you pop me like 10 bucks for gas money yeah like i think holding him accountable for money things i think might be

the case this year i think you're right yeah and then either he does your oven no i'm sorry um no i just we don't have time for that this week yeah yeah i think we were just putting more boundaries up and saying no more yeah and if it's a text message that's like can i use your oven done answer done answer done answer and if he shows up unannounced and you look through your people I use your oven. Done answer. Done answer. Done answer. And if he shows up unannounced and you look through your peephole and it's him, turn off the light. Be very quiet.

Sorry, no one's home. I mean, I think I would get the hint if I showed up to someone's house unannounced and I heard noise the TV turns off and the lights turn off I'd be like oh okay um I guess I'm not wanted here and then you send a text message like

hey I think you guys are home don't answer it that's a trick he's trying to get in don't answer don't answer tricky hmm yeah yeah try that stuff first and if he's still not getting the hint then maybe a breakup is necessary and and then yeah it could just be like hey like i feel like you're taking a lot and not giving a lot or like i'm feeling like this is a bit unbalanced you're you're getting a lot of emotional support from me and my girlfriend you're getting kitchen support

from my kitchen you're getting you're getting car support from the oven yeah you're getting car support from the oven. Yeah. You're getting transportation support for my car. And like, what am I getting in return? Yeah. Maybe, I don't know, because then it feels like friendship is transactional. It's like, but then I guess it is. It's a give and take. Like, you're not in it to just have a one-sided friendship. Yeah.

I think unbalanced, one-sided, this is not great for me. Yeah. You got to get this person out of your life. They're sucking your soul out. This person's a fucking leech. Yeah. I don't like, I really don't like them. Yeah.

Ugh. I mean, this person who wrote in is in their 20s. I don't know if the friend who's the leech is in their 20s. I would like to chalk it up to being young and not having anyone have a real conversation with them to tell them like, hey, you can't do this stuff like this. Hey, you're a domestic terrorist. You are terrorizing everyone in your life. What's wrong with you? What's going on? because maybe they could grow but also this person who wrote in does not have to be responsible for that growth no

but maybe they can say something that maybe years down the line this person could be like oh you know what my friend did i was bad my friend saying said some of the stuff that people were telling me today and that my therapist is talking about. Maybe I should work on this. Yeah. Get them out of your life. Yeah. Hope that helps.

Yeah, hope that helps. NicoleandSashiraGmail.com is our email address that you can write to. Podswag.com is our email address that you can write to. 4424-645-7003 is the phone number you can call and talk to. Podswag.com slash bestfriends is a website you can go to to buy merch from us. The easiest way to support this show is to rate, review, and subscribe subscribe lastly. Well, what another great episode. A truly

beautiful episode in the history books for best friends. I don't think I said that sentence good. I think it was perfect. Thank you. Okay, bye-bye. All right, bye-bye. I think it was perfect thank you okay bye bye alright bye bye