Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata - Sasheer Is On The No Bag List

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

This week Sasheer’s carry on travel bag is being unfairly discriminated against while Nicole is dreaming of riding on a garbage truck and hankering for a big nasty tall burger.  Email or call Nicole & Sasheer with your friendship questions at:[e-mail] Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/friends.

Hey friends! Hey! We're gonna take a little bit of hiatus. Just a little. Just a little. You can still listen to our best friend episodes anywhere you get podcasts. Anywhere. Anywhere. We still have transcripts. Where are they? Earwolf.com. You're like it must be at Earwolf.com slash best friends. And yeah, just stay on the lookout. Stay on the lookout. We'll let you know when we're back. We'll tell you. Bye. Bye.

I thought I had to sneeze. Sorry. I was like, what's happening? Hello. Hi. Hello, Nicole. How are you? I'm good. I told a company that I was not happy with their service. The window people.

It was the window people. The saga. The saga continues. And what happened? They listened. I was talking to the guy I've been talking to since last year. And he was like, we're so embarrassed. We understand, like, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he was kind of like, I wish I had known sooner. And I was like, we had this conversation. We talked about this months ago.

Like, you know what's happening. And he's like, yeah, well, I'll definitely like, because they're coming back one more time. And he was like, I'll make sure everyone has like the memo to make sure they have all the equipment, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yeah, well, I just feel like the quality of work I've gotten

isn't worth the final payment. And he was silent for a while. And he was like, well, you know, I just don't know. I mean, I gotta put that up the line. And I was like, sure, you can do that. They can even call me if you want. And he's like, okay, I just don't know. I don't know how much you owe.

And I was like, I know how much I owe. And it's not that much compared to how much I've already paid for this. And I was like, I know how much I owe, and it's not that much compared to how much I've already paid for this. And he was like, I never done that before. I, the gall, the gumption. That is wild. I have left nail salons, which is not the amount of money that you're spending on new fucking windows.

I have spent just a little change. And been like, these look like garbage. And they go, do you like them? And I go, yes. Here's a tip. Here's more than you've charged me. Yeah. Thank you so much.

I can't even imagine being like, I'm dissatisfied and I'm not paying. Balzy. I love it. I love it. You're an inspiration. Thank you. I mean, we'll see. They don't, they weren't like, got it. We won't charge you, but... But they know you're a girl boss.

I'm a girl boss and I say what I won't. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so, you know, I feel really empowering. That's great, Sasheer. Look at you. Yeah. Yaaas. That's nice. Look at you. Yeah. Yeah. That's nice.

I can't even imagine. Yeah. I guess I was like, the worst that can happen is I just pay for shitty service. And the best case is I don't have to pay. Yeah. They might waive it. Especially if it's like they made a little bit of a profit.

They made so much of a profit. They have most of my money. It really is such a tiny percent that I wouldn't be paying, but it would make me feel so good to know I didn't have to pay the full amount. It is also so wild that a man said to your ears, because you weren't face to face, you were on the phone, he said it right to your ears.

I put a memo in for everyone to do their job. Yeah. That's wild. Yeah. I can't even imagine. Like, it doesn't make sense. Imagine opening up Starbucks and being like, guys, you have to make coffee today. You have to make coffee today.

Like, just do it this time. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Wow. Wow. And we'll see. I really hope tomorrow's the last time they come to my gosh. Yeah. Wow. Wow. And we'll see. I really hope tomorrow's the last time they come to my house. But who knows?

I thought the last time was the last time. And they're like, you know what we didn't do? Bring the right hinges. And I was like, what else are you doing? Go to Home Depot. This is like the bar Schwartz and Sandys. I went there. It's owned by this man from Vanda Pump Rules.

I don't really know anything about the show. But I went and I was like, can I have a Kettle One Martini? And he was like, we don't have any more Kettle One, we only have well. And I was like, you are next to Gelson's. Go get a handle of Kettle One for $30 and charge me 15 for the one drink. Go to Gelson's, get what you need.

These people should have gone to the Home Depot, we're doers do. Oh, is that their slogan? Yeah. We're doers do? I think so. Yeah, no, I didn't even know they had a slogan. Wait, can we look up the Home Depot slogan?

We're doers do. I think that's what it's called. I think it's, sounds good. We're doers do. I think that's what it's called. I think it's sounds good. We're doers do. How doers get more done. Okay. How doers get more done. I was close.

You were close. I do like that. What's Lowe's? Does Lowe's have one? This also feels familiar. Have we done this before? We've done this for fast casual dining restaurants. We didn't do it for hardware stores?

No? Okay. Please. So I guess it is a different It is. genre of store. All right, Lowe's is Lowe's Knows Home Improvement. All right.

I will say, I think Home Depot's is catchier. I also love that big orange square. Yeah? I do, I love Home Depot. Lowe's just doesn't have the same gravitas to me. Yeah. I do, I love Home Depot. Lowe's just doesn't have the same gravitas to me. Yeah, I think when I think of a hardware store, Home Depot's may. Yeah, they've really, they've Kleenexed

the market of hardware stores. They really have. Because Kleenex is a tissue. But we don't know of any brands that other than Kleenex. Sure, I only know Kleenex. Yeah. Whoa. Are there other brands?

I'm sure there are. Cue it up! Cue it up! Puffs? Puffs, what? Puffs? I think that's Kleenex. Oh. Is it a type of Kleenex?

Is puffs? Under the Kleenex umbrella? Oh no. I think it's on face. Puffs is his own face. Okay, that's one. Whoa. What a wild company name. I don't know, you puff it into a tissue?

Let's just call it puffs. Puffs. I'm, that's nasty, puffs? Also sounds like it's like for drug users. Yeah. Which I guess is huffing, I don't know. Yeah, wow. I went to the aquarium in Atlanta.

Mm-hmm. Is it in Atlanta? It's in Georgia, but it's a really big aquarium. Yes. And I don't know if this was for all of their sections, but one of them was sponsored by Home Depot. It was like the Home Depot guppies or something like that. The Home Depot guppies.

Do they all have little hammers? Yes. Wait, what? I mean, not the actual fish, but like the cartoon display. You almost watched me walk out of the studio and get a plane ticket to see guppies hammering. I was like, well, I gotta see that. No, no, they're just swimming around.

But the cartoon display that you have to walk through to get to that section had little like hard hat fish with like hammers. I gotta go. That's incredible. Maybe it was called, maybe one of the, there was a character I think that was called Depot. D-E-P-O, I'm pretty sure.

Wow, Depot the Fish, finding Depot. Oh. You just find him in a aisle and you get Depot the Fish, finding Depot. Oh. You just find him in a aisle and you get something for free at Home Depot. I play that game. You find him in a aisle and he's like, I don't know what that is. What is this?

I'm a fish. I don't know what that is. Leave me alone. I recently was telling somebody about my dream of a whale coming up to me on a boat and taking me to be the queen of the ocean. And I genuinely started crying. While you describing this?

Yes. I said, I love the ocean so much and I can't wait to be the Queen of the Ocean and was fully sobbing. Wow. But then I got my period the next day and I was like, OK, OK. I know what's a foot and it's hormones. My God, it's wild being a woman. It is wild being a woman. It's so tough.

It's tough. ["Dreams of a New World"] I got hit on today by a garbage man. Ooh. Yes. Right outside your house? No. Where? So outside my house, they pick it up and nobody gets out of the truck.

And once they stole my whole can, that was a really funny video. I felt crazy the day it happened because I went outside and I was like, where's my garbage That was a really funny video. I felt crazy the day it happened because I went outside and I was like, where's my garbage can? And I was like, did someone steal my garbage can? So then I was like looking at my neighbor's houses to see who had two cans. Then I was like, wait, check the cameras.

And then I checked the cameras and it picked it up and then it shook it and then it stayed there for a while. And then the hand returned with nothing and it drove away and I was like, nobody knocked on my door? Yeah, or left a note that was like, sorry, we're not climbing in to get it. So we'll just leave another one tomorrow.

They just left. They just left. But on the street adjacent, they don't have the arm. There's a manual person who does it. Okay. And there was a guy driving and he was smiling so hard at me and I like smiled and nodded and I was like, oh my God, I think he wants me. I think, or he thinks I'm trash, I don't know.

He's like, I'm trying to pick you up cause you're trash. He's like, wait for that arm to come down. You'll never be put back. So then there was a man in the back, too, who was throwing the trash in. And he kind of scared me because I wasn't expecting that. And he was like, hello. And I was like, oh, hi.

And he was like, how are you? And I was like, oh, I'm good. And he was like, purple and purple. And I was like, um, yes, because Clyde's tail is purple. OK. And then Clyde started shitting. And then he looked at both of us, and he was like, you have a good day.

And I was like, OK. And I think he wanted it. I think he wanted it. It was wild. Wow. I just, I mean, I was full makeup, walking my dog, looking great. But like, a garbage man?

No. Oh my goodness. It felt really good. Yeah. I was like, am I hot? I mean, yeah. Well, I know I'm cute. But I was like, am I hot?

Hot? Hot? Do you think if he asked for your number, you would give him? No. No. No. That's the why. I mean, it would be the wildest story. You'd be like, yeah, I'm dating a garbage man.

He hit on me on his route and his route is right by my house. So like every Thursday I would see him in the morning. Yeah. Meet you outside, babe. Have a good day at work. But don't they like make so much money? They do. And I could go for rides.

Oh my. I should have asked if I could have gone for a ride. He would have absolutely taken you on a ride. Oh my. I missed an opportunity. We'll just be there same time next week. Well I'm gonna have to go back to my text message thread. Okay.

And see who I was, I think I was texting somebody at that time. Mm-hmm. What time was it? I don't know. Did you talk about it? Were you like, I just got hit on by a garbage man? No.

Oh. No, it was in my head. Yeah. But then I did respond to somebody. I'll have to like, look. Oh my god. What if I never see him again? You will. I believe it. Okay. I really want to go for a ride. Oh my god. Imagine me in a garbage truck. I can't imagine that. Wearing a little hat. What kind of hat? I don't know. An olive green hat. Okay. That's like a garbage color.

Do they wear hats? No. You bring your own hat? He also wasn't wearing olive green, he was just wearing black. But I feel like, I feel like I should dress for safari in a garbage truck. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we're exploring.

Sanitation safari. We're seeing things. Yeah, using the neighborhood. Oh, my god. I'm so excited. I'm pulling on my hair. I'm so excited of the thought. Oh, my god. I can't wait.

Yeah. I'm going to trap a garbage man to take me on a ride. You can just ask. You don't have to trap. I'm going to set up a big booby trap. They're going to drive their truck into my booby trap. I'm going to dig a hole in the street. They're gonna drive their truck into my booby trap. I'm gonna dig a hole in the street and the truck is gonna fall into it.

And then I'll have a truck. Also this year, I had a hankering for pancakes this week. Oh. A hankering. Ooh. A thirst. Okay. Like there was something inside me that I was like, I have to have pancakes. And did you get them?

Yeah. And they were really fucking good. I'm so glad. Pancakes are good. Yeah. Did you make them or you got them from a restaurant? So here's the thing. I have bought ingredients several times to make pancakes, meaning I have a box of pancake mix, a box of pancake mix, and then a shake them up mix.

I've never used any of them. So I went and got them at a restaurant. I keep buying food and it keeps rotting away. Yeah. It's really bad and wasteful. But you know, I get so inspired to cook. Yeah. Because I learned that chicken thighs,

they're good. Chicken thighs are good. Did you know? Yeah, I guess. Oh, you were on that text thread. Wait, okay. Kimmy, Kimmy's back for a little bit. Jordan, Cody, I have a question.

Did you guys, have I asked this before? What are you asking about chicken thighs? Did you guys know chicken thighs are good? Did you know chicken thighs are better than chicken breast? Yeah, you can overcook them and they're still moist. They're the best part of the chicken. How did everyone know? I don't know if I taught you.

Maybe because you try them. Okay. So spicy. I didn't mean it to be that spicy. I meant the only reason I know is because I have been like a tenderers girlie my whole life. Chicken nugget, tenders girlie. That's chicken thigh?

That's a chicken thigh? No, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying that that's the chicken girlie I've been my whole life. But then I got Korean fried chicken and oh my god, what a world of a difference. It was moist, it was crunchy and the thighs are delicious. So I didn't know that the chicken I was eating from like a Chinese food restaurant was thigh. I thought it was breast.

I thought I'd been eating breasts this whole time. Breast. This whole time and I was like, why doesn't my chicken breast taste like the Chinese food restaurant? Turns out because I wasn't eating breasts, I was like, why doesn't my chicken breast taste like the Chinese food restaurant? Turns out because I wasn't eating breast, I was eating thighs. Wait, Kimmy, did you know chicken thighs are good?

I did. It's mainly because I cooked chicken breast and they never turned out good. And so I cooked chicken thighs and what a nice time. Everybody knows. Is chicken thigh dark meat or light meat? Dark meat. It's dark meat.

And I think I was told dark meat's not good. It's racist. It is racist. It's colorist. It is colorist. Equality for all chickens. All chicken parts matter. Ha ha ha ha.

I feel like there was a whole campaign that was like drink, milk and white chickens. I don't think the two were together. Yeah, it was got milk got white chicken. That's your dinner. Wait, so sheer, have you seen this infomercial from the 70s, where it's like parents coming home and they're angry with their children. And they're like, I have to do extra work. And the PSA is like, hug your children. I have seen that. It's wild.

Yeah. Isn't that nuts? That's like telling your workers to work today to tell parents to hug their children. Yeah. I got too many hugs, if anything. Too many, but that's nice. Yeah, it was nice.

Maybe they were listening to that campaign. The government told us we had to hug our kids. We gotta hug our kids. And then sometimes you'll see billboards that's like, hey, don't hit your kids. And I'm like. And child abuse isn't funny. It's not, it's serious.

But imagine the person who's like, wait, I'm never gonna hit my kid. Like imagine like a billboard change somebody. Like, oh, is that wrong? I guess I shouldn't hit them. I guess you don't know what's happening in other people's homes. And if you were raised a certain way

where maybe you got hit as punishment or no one said I love you or no one hugged you and you see a billboard or a commercial, maybe you're like, oh, I guess I didn't think there was an option, maybe I should consider how I'm treating my child a little bit more. That's wild to me. It's wild to me too.

Because I feel like then you've never spoken to another human being. Because if I had a kid that I was hitting, I'd be like, so sheer, I hit my kid, flung them around. And you'd be like, hey Nicole, don't do that. And I'd be like, hey, Nicole, don't do that. And I'd be like, oh, shit. OK. But maybe those people who are doing that,

maybe the person they're talking to was like, well, I don't want them to hit me. I'm not going to say anything. I'm not going to say one word. Good luck to that kid. Also, I can't imagine like hitting someone for real. Like being angry with someone I love and being like, ba-bow! Yeah.

It's been happening for centuries. Yeah, and I got beat when I was a kid. Oh. I was bad. You seem very proud of that. I was such a bad girl. Oh my goodness. Like that?

Wait for daddy to get home, because he'll hitch too. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and hated it. Everyone involved was like, we don't want to do this. I just feel like this is what we're supposed to do. But I don't want to do this. Like, all I did was like talk too much in school. And he's like, you got three warnings at school, gotta get the belt. And then we did it. And I think same thing, I was like, you're not gonna get me.

You're not gonna break me, not today, not today. And then I think it just never happened again. I remember my mother, before she hit me with a ruler, said, this will hurt me more than it hurts you. And I remember fully turning around and being like, how is that possible? That made her even angrier. Of course, Of course.

Of course. I actually was like, make that make sense, ma'am. I'm the one who's actually getting the physical thing. Oh, wow. If you want less pain, I can do it to you. Yeah, I can hit you. Imagine. Oh, that would really make her mad.

My mother would, oh, she would have been so angry. Mm. Imagine. Oh, that would really make her mad. Oh, she would have been so angry. I also had a hankering this week, or maybe this was last week, for a big nasty burger. Oh, did you get it? I did. And it was not the big nasty burger I wanted, but it was like the big nasty burger that you deserved. Yeah, it was the big nasty burger that we deserved. Yeah, it was the big nasty burger that I deserved. Well, they don't do like big nasty bar burgers here.

I guess not. Or at least I can't like find one. Yeah, I would imagine in LA it's not like a huge need. No, everyone's at Air One. Everyone's getting their burgers at Air One. Listen, I ordered food burgers at Air One. Listen, I ordered food once from Air One. Not great.

Interesting. And I was like, is it because it's supposed to be healthy? Probably. I don't know. I've never even tried. Well, the smoothie is good. Yeah. But nothing else.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. The pizza? Not good. I didn't even know they had pizza. They have everything. It's like a Whole Foods except they said,

we'll make it more expensive. Yeah. They do have a big nasty burger. Wait, that big nasty burger. OK, here's the thing. This is how they get you. Yeah, the picture looks great. Yeah.

Organic smash, that's not a smash burger. That's not a smash burger. It's pretty. Everyone doesn't know. That's too thick. Like, we heard people like smash burgers. Yeah, we'll just call this a smash burger. That's not a smash burger. It's pretty... Everyone doesn't know? That's too thick. They're like, we heard people like smash burgers. Yeah, we'll just call this a smash burger. But I like a big nasty burger

where I have to like unhinge my jaw. Like a cartoon? Yeah, like I know some people complain about tall burgers, but give me a tall fucking, give me a tall fucking burger. Do people complain about tall burgers? Yeah, sometimes they're like too tall. What am I supposed to do?

Unhinge my jaw? I'm like, yeah, unhinge that shit. I see, I see. Too tall. Too tall! Wait, you're wearing stripes today. I am wearing stripes today. It wasn't on purpose. But we're both wearing stripes. We're both wearing stripes and I'm wearing my favorite color stripes.

Oh good. I love purple. You do love purple. Mine are just white and orange. Peachy? A peachy color? Coral? Coral? I would say coral. Yeah.

That's nice. It's nice. I like it. And we're both wearing our best friend necklaces. We are wearing our best friend necklaces. You showed me up though, cause I was like, whoa, mine's really tarnished and your chain is better.

Cause I think you put on a nicer chain. No, same chain. Really? But I also, I polished all of it. Yeah, that's how you showed me fucking up. You gotta get some polishing cloths. So rude. So rude to show me up like that.

I'm sorry. I feel like you always show me up like that. I don't always show you up like that. I can't, like, the first time we like traveled after you were like, I'm gonna get my shit together. And then you had everything like separated and in bags. I was like, who is she? How dare she show me up?

And then 10 years later I said, this is the better way to live. Yeah, I was just trying to make my life better. Show me up. With your matching pajama sets and your cubes. Yeah, I really just had nothing to do with you. I just wanted to live easier. Well, now I'm showing everybody up,

because I got my cubes. She got her cubes. From CalPak. Oh, nice. This is not sponsored by CalPak. But I really, okay, CalPak is a brand I really like. Okay. They have a great backpack.

Anytime I see someone at the airport with the same backpack as me, I go, oh my God, we have the same backpack. And nobody cares, except for this one lady who went, we do, do you love purple? And I was like, I do. Well, it sounds fun. It was a nice time.

And then there's another brand I like. I think it's called Pink. Pink. The singer? No, she's not a brand. Okay, it's like pink. It's pink watermelon lotion. Pink.

Pink. I got it from Sephora. It's pink. And is the product watermelon lotion? Yes. Okay. And I think it's what's been making me so smooth along with the sun. Mm-hmm.

Yes. Okay, so it's called Glow Recipe. I can't. It's not, it's so not called pink. The bottle is pink. Yes, so I was right somewhere. Miranda's glow recipe. I think it's called pink.

Okay, no, watermelon glow, ah-ha! Pink, dream body cream. Pink is one of seven words. But it's in there. It's in there. And I think this lotion is really incredible. And then I started using all of their face stuff and my skin likes it.

It looks great. Thank you. Last night I slathered so much onto it because I was withering away on my couch with my period. And I said, if you're gonna wither, slather that face up. So I fucking put so much product on it. And then I woke up this morning and I was like, my skin looks incredible.

Wow. Wow. I love pink. You love pink. I got a, wait, did you get a CalPAC travel suitcase from Natasha's show? Yes. Yes.

Natasha Rothwell, who was on our show recently, has a show called How to Die Alone. Yes. Yes. Um, Natasha Rothwell, who was on our show recently, has a show called How to Die Alone. Yes. And they sent suitcases as swag, which is great, because I also need a new suitcase. Because I had this Samsonite, yellowy-green suitcase that's, like, a little thicker than the average carry-on and I went to Europe recently and everyone hated it. Every flight I went on they were like oh

that looks too big and I was like but it fits it just can fit and if it doesn't we can just gate check it. Uh-huh. And they're just like like I when I was in Paris you know those those bins they're like check the size or whatever? No one's suitcase ever fits in those things. They're outdated, they're too small. No one has suitcases that fit that. They're always like, try it. And I put it on and it was just like teetering on the top.

And he's like, clearly too big. But I saw so many other people who also would not fit in that thing, rolling their bags onto the plane. And the gate agent was like, oh, and I could tell with that color you're American. And I was like, oh, excuse me. I don't think Americans are the only ones who have bright colored suitcases. But maybe. And then probably I was like, I feel discriminated against. As being so nice and so understanding. I was like, I get it. against. And I was being so nice and so understanding. I was like, I get it.

I understand. Yes, you can take my bag. You can definitely check it. And then he was like, if you take the tag off of this and bring it onto the plane, I will have you removed from the flight. And I was like, I didn't give any indication that I was gonna do that.

I was being so like, complacent and understanding. That is so funny. It is as if they thought I was traveling. Yes. Because I have ripped that tag off and brought all of my things on board when they asked me not to. I watched you do it.

You like rounded the corner, didn't even really get out of the eye line of the gay agent and just ripped it off and you're like, Ha's too ugly. They don't even want to be on board. I because I don't think it's bigger than my carry on suitcase, which is in a way the expandable one. And American Airlines is always like you have to close the expansion thing. So I will close it.

And then the minute I get back, like past them, I bend down and open it again. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? It fits in the overhead bin. It fits. Why are you doing this? Yeah, I think it's a power thing. It is a power thing.

And guess what? You're staying in Cincinnati. And I'm leaving. I'm leaving. And so then when I came back to the States, I checked my bag, because I was like, I don't wanna deal with this shit. I don't came back to the States, I checked my bag because I was like, I don't wanna deal with this shit. I don't wanna go to the gate and have anyone

like be mean to me about my bag and discriminate against this color. So I was like, I'm gonna check it and not deal with any of this shit. Also, because they make you take all your liquids out and put it in a bag. And I was like, I don't want anyone to talk to me about any of this stuff.

I'll check it in advance. And then I didn't get my bag and I was like, I don't want anyone to talk to me about any of this stuff. I'll check it in advance. And then I didn't get my bag when I landed. I landed and I waited at the carousel. I didn't see it. And then I went up to this lady and I was like, I think I'm missing a bag. And I told her my name. She's like, oh yes, you're on the list.

And I was like, they had time to make a list of people's bags they refused to put on the plane. How are you on the no bag list? I don't know, they're like, oh, you're on the list. Your bag will come on a different flight. And I was like, do you know why? And she's like, maybe they had to search it or something. But I also got there like three hours before my flight.

Three hours? Probably two. Two? It was an international flight. And I had to check my bag. So they had plenty of time to search whatever they wanted to search and then put my bag on the plane. They said, no bitch, we hate this bag.

Don't even want to see it on the plane. Do you love this suitcase? I do love this. So maybe you only use it for domestic. I think so, yeah. Because this is honestly, like I took a Ryan flight and Ryanair is like the spirit of Europe. And I do a thing, I have my giant backpack which is a second carry on and not my personal item

and my away bag that had the expansion open. And I just kind of like walked up and like handed her my phone or whatever. And then I scurry past and I always turn my back so they can't see my backpack. Like nothing to see. I only have one thing. And I got on the flight and the flight attendant was like, I don't know how they let you on with both of these bags.

And he was like, it was a good day for you. Usually they'll make you check both of them. And I was like, ha ha ha. And she's like, I don't know if that's going to fit. And I was like, it will. And then she watched me put it up, and it barely, barely fit. And then slammed my hands against it.

Ha ha! Ha ha! And then like slammed the thing down until it finally closed. And I went, I told you it would fit. She was like, let's see you get it out. And I was like, oh no. OK. And this is before I learned how to roll things. And I could have gotten it smaller.

Rolling has changed my life. Oh, good. I'm glad. Which is funny to say, because it makes it sound like I took ecstasy and I was like, rolling has changed my life. Or just like rolling in the grass. Honestly, all three of those things have changed my life. Rolling in the grass is how I learned I was in the grass. Honestly, all three of those things have changed my life. Rolling in the grass is how I learned I was allergic to grass.

Oh. Rolling on ecstasy is how I learned that touch is okay sometimes. I sent you a video recently where it was like, best friends don't have to touch, and you responded with, you're not getting out of my eight touches. I was like, I don't care what this video says.

Best friends don't always hug. Bullshit. You gotta hug me. You're gonna give me my touches. It is funny that I said eight and you've really remembered it. Yeah. Yeah.

There was a period of time where you were like, I'm gonna give you eight touches whenever I see it, which is kind of a high number actually. I don't know if I touch my friends eight times each time I see them. Nobody does, and it's exhausting when I actually try to implement it. I'd be like.

It's so unnatural too. Just palming my shoulder. It is. I was dating somebody like a couple years ago and they brought up that I am a fortress and I'm not very affectionate. And they were like, you're more affectionate with Clyde. And I was like, I know him.

And that didn't go very well. But I'm just like. Because I like him. I don't fucking know you. But we went to the grocery store because we were going to make something. And they were like bending over looking at something. And I was like, now is the time to touch.

And I just put my hand on their back and they turn around and they're like, oh, am I getting affection now? And I was like, yeah, man, don't fucking make it weird. It was weird for me because I had a full thought. I like watched you bend over and I was like, now is the time to touch. Just accept it.

Yeah, deal with it. But you said you got a lot of hugs when you're younger. So many hugs. What do you think changed? So many cuddles and snuggles. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it's because one day the hugs stopped because they died. Kind Kind of a red-ass thing. Just one sad day where I went home and nobody was there to hug me. So then I said, since the hugs at home are gone, the hugs in the world should go away too. Honestly, I don't know. I thought that could actually be the reason, but I don't know. But this will be great for my therapy session tomorrow.

Oh, good. I should mark it down. Glad we can inspire some fodder. Why do you like hugs so much? Do you get hugged a lot? Um, I think I got hugged a good amount, yeah. I don't think it was like too much or too little. It was just the Goldilocks of hugs.

It was just right. Yeah, I remember my parents giving me hugs. And I still like them now. I do think I'm probably more affectionate than I used to be. But I don't know when the switch was or if it was gradual. I do know at some point, I guess it was after college, I was like, I'm gonna make an effort to be friendlier.

I had to make a conscious effort to be friendlier. Because not that I, I don't think I was mean, but just like, mm, like catch myself or reserved or, yeah, like this, like a fortress. And yeah, so I was like, okay, you know, when someone asks you a question, you can say more words than a couple. You can like have a full sit, have a conversation, open up.

And then I think created a increase in the friendliness. I will say, sometimes it's really hard to be friendly. Sometimes I'm like not in the mood. Yeah, it's okay. You were really, when we went to Africa, you were really great at being friendly. I remember our friends, now they're our friends, but I was like, God, these two people

wanted to talk to me so bad. And you're like, why didn't you? And I was like, oh, I forgot. We were on a train with these people for days. I should make a friend. And then when we went to like that little party, you were like, come, ask questions. And I was like, okay.

But then after a while I was like, we have to go. And you were like, okay. But then after a while, I was like, I, I, we have to go. And you're like, yes, it is time to go. Sometimes people are so boring in a way that I'm like, how do you live? How do you, how do you live with yourself? Like what the fuck? Also, I had a revelation the other day. Everybody thinks they're funny. Interesting. Like what the fuck? Also I had a revelation the other day. Oh?

Everybody thinks they're funny. Interesting. Every single person in the world thinks they're funny. But aren't there some people who are like, ugh, I'm not funny? But they think they're funny. They've said something where they've laughed at themselves. That's true.

Everybody has laughed at themselves. Everybody thinks they're funny. Or said something that they thought deserved a big girl laugh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Isn't that interesting?

Is there more to this revelation or just that's it? That's it. OK, cool. You noticed this year I think of things and don't follow up or look it up or I just come to a conclusion. Yeah, no, this is definitely like, that's a great point. It's because I was talking to somebody and they're like, I'm not funny.

And then two minutes later, they said something and then they laughed at themselves. And I was like, so that's a lie. And they were like, what? And I was like, what you said before was a lie because you just laughed at yourself. So inherently, you think you're funny. Yeah?

Wow, you really changed the tone of that interaction. They're just trying to have a good time with you and laugh. And you're like, oh, oh, so you lied. Wow, you really changed the tone of that interaction. They're just trying to have a good time with you and laugh. And you're like, oh, oh, so you lied. You start interrogating them. Here's a funny thing. I don't realize that I kill the vibe so much sometimes. Because to me, I'm like, that was friendly and funny.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ha-ha. They're just like, yeah, because I said, get out of here. And you're like liar. You lied. You think you're funny. Everybody does. People chuckle to themselves at home. They'll like fucking be like, beat a bop. You thought that was funny. You thought you were being funny when you beat a bop. Yeah.

I guess I don't have to be so aggressive. I mean, you know, it's probably, it's an interesting point to bring up, but maybe you didn't have to accuse them of lying. I guess not. But you know how you see like boring people laughing and shit? Yeah, and it's like, what are you?

It's because they think they're funny and then like another boring person finds them funny. Mm-hmm. Isn't that wild? That is wild. Sometimes I think about your loud shoes and how hard we laughed. We were those boring people to that man

at the bottom of the staircase. No, I think you still thought we were funny. Ah! Oh! He still loved us. Ha ha. And then at the after party for Agatha, there was big hamburgers, which I still talk about to this day.

I couldn't believe. At an after party, what? We should ask whoever planned that party where those burgers came from. So you can get some big burgers. You should ask for me. Get on the horn. Get on the horn.

Get on the horn. But we arrived at the staircase where the shoe slapping happened and nobody we were with. Why? Cause it's impossible to describe. One of the people we were with was like, oh, okay, well I think the car of the people we were with was like, oh, okay Well, I think the car is that way

Where my shoes were so loud And they're like we we weren't there. We have no idea. We don't care. The car is over here. I was like, okay. It was so loud. Slap, slap, slap.

I wonder if we'll talk about that when we're like 80 years old. I hope so. I hope we have more memories. I also hope we'll talk about that when we're like 80 years old. I hope so. I hope we have more memories. I also hope we have more memories. That's the only one we talk about when we're like, those shoes. It's like, we've done many other things. Those shoes. But I'll never forget those shoes.

I won't. It was so, I couldn't believe how loud it was. Do you still have those shoes? I don't think so. I feel like I held on to them for a while. Probably for the memories. But because they flop off my foot like that

they weren't very comfortable. You're so good at just getting rid of stuff. And I want to be better at it. I'm getting there. You are. You got rid of a bunch of stuff recently. I did. But you know, I bought getting there. You are. You got rid of a bunch of stuff recently. I did, but you know, I bought more stuff. Yeah. But, and I do have another bag of clothes to give away.

Well, great, you're collecting it. And I'm getting better at returning things. Ooh, that's good. It's tough, but I'm doing it. Also, I bought a bunch of nasty things to wear to bed. Like lingerie? Yeah. Whoa.

I'm going to start wearing matching pajamas. That's not lingerie. Oh. What if it's got lacy stuff? Where? So one is a silky top with lace and silky little tiny shorts. That's not lingerie? Sure. I guess I thought, when I think of lingerie,

I think of a teddy, a little tiny dress kind of thing. Oh, I did get one of those dresses. Oh, okay. Because I'm like, how do these people sleep in this? Have you done it? No, not yet, it's on its way. Okay, okay. But I'm curious to see how it's gonna go.

Yeah. Will I wake up tangled? That would be my concern, but... But people be wearing dresses to bed. People do be wearing dresses to bed. My mom wore a nightgown. Yeah. And I wear clothing to bed.

You wear a full sweat suit with a hat included. Yeah. And I wear nothing. And if an emergency happens, I'm just butt-ass naked. I think that's wild, though. And I know we've talked about it. But I'm just like night after night, a naked body on the cloth.

Well, if you're wearing clothes, that's on the cloth, too. But that's body cloth cloth. How often do you change your sheets? We have talked about this. Um, like every couple weeks. Every couple weeks? And we're having body body body body? Body body body body body.

Body body body body. And that's how Meg Thee Stallion came up with body yaddy yaddy yaddy yaddy yaddy. She was watching you sleep naked. She was watching you? She lives in your closet. Oh no, girl get out of there. I think it's wild to call someone a stallion. Am I, who's a stallion? That's like a big lady, right?

Yeah, cause they're kind of like a horse. Yeah. Or big like a horse. Huh. What are, are you a stallion? I don't think so. I think I'm like... A llama?

Oh, I don't hate it. I like a llama. Can we see a llama? Yeah, you're a llama. A llama? Yeah. I like it. You're one of those brown, curly llamas. Ooh.

Yeah, that's you, Sashir. I like that. What am I? What are you? You're... A Shetland pony. Squat. Squat.

Squat. Oh, what about those mini cows? With the hair, the bangs? Wait, what? What are those things called? Yeah, these things. I'm that. Yeah.

Oh my God, I'm a cow with bangs. Ha ha ha. Wait, I love that cow. Right? They're very cute. Oh my goodness. Highland cows? Is that what they're called?

I don't know. How big do they get? Look at that little one. I want a little one. Yeah. Imagine I had a little cow. I could imagine. one. Yeah. Imagine I had a little cow. I could imagine. I'm just like, this is my little cow.

On the palm of your hand? Hell yeah, dude. I don't know if I can believe this. Well, there was a picture when it was in the little palm of somebody's hand. Really? Yeah, you gotta go back or maybe go out. Oh, is that real?

That's AI. That's AI. Fully grown teacup highland mini cow. There's no way that is real. These are very cute. Oh my God. I think we should probably answer questions soon, but I really think you should see the substance.

I know you opted out of seeing that movie, but I really think you'll like it. You think I'll like it? It's not too gross for me? Maybe. Okay, here's what I think. I think I'll like it? Mm-hmm. It's not too gross for me? Maybe. Okay, here's what I think. I think you wait till it comes on home demand and then you watch it in your leisure at home.

Okay, good. But I think, did you like American Psycho? I don't think I saw it. Have you seen the Saw movies? Yeah. Did you like them? I liked the first one and then I couldn't watch the following ones.

I think watch it at your leisure at home. Yeah. But I really fucking liked it. Okay. It was so fun. All right. Also, before we answer questions, I learned that I don't walk leading with my hips.

Did a chiropractor tell you this? Who told you this? No, Veronica. Oh. Because I was like, Veronica, I walk slow. And I was like walking around my house trying to figure out why I walk so slow. And I only put enough room forward to pass a foot.

So my knees stay together and I'm only moving a foot length. So when I have to walk fast, I'm like really. You're really hustling? I'm like really. Are you really hustling? I'm really going. Whoa. And people who lead with their hips take longer strides. Yeah.

And she was like, let's put on the heels, and we put on the heels. And she was like, do you see how you take longer strides? Yeah. Because you're leading with your hips. And I was like, oh my god. So now I've been trying to walk leading with my hips. My hips are sore.

Oh, from the movement? Yeah. Oh wow. Because I don't do it. Here, walk. Nobody can see this. Maybe there isn't enough room. No, you do lead with your hips.

It's, I guess, I feel like I lead with my knees. Well, I think right now you might be leading with your knees because you're not taking long enough strides. Take off your headphones and really go for a walk. Yeah. Yeah. Do you feel like you lead with your hips? She's saying, um.

Yes, you are. I'm telling you, you are. I can see it. Okay. And that looks nice. It looks nicer than the way I walk because you're walking like this knees together well not that dumb no they're Yeah. And then one has to go fast. Yeah, that's too much work for your legs.

I see. Oh yes, look at the strut. I don't know. I did have a chiropractor say I wasn't fully extending my legs when I walk. I was also shortening my stride. Oh. And did that hurt your back? Probably.

I'm sure it was a cause of a lot of problems. And so I had to like, I still have to mentally be like, use the whole leg, extend the whole leg. Is that your monologue talking to you? Yes. Isn't it wild that some people don't have monologues? It is wild. Have we asked everyone if they have monologues? I think so. Okay. Question time? Question time, right? Hello, Nicole and Sasheer. I have a non-friendship question for you on a topic that I believe is close to both of y'all's hearts. Cars!

After I got my first job out of college, I saved up and bought myself a bright yellow new Beetle. Yes! I love this car. About 10 years later, I decided to get rid of it. I got a dark green Scion XD, which I know is an odd choice, but I really just like the silhouette. I love it because it's paid off,

but I do find myself missing some of the bells and whistles of a newer car, backup camera, built-in navigation system. I miss the fun of the Beetle. My current car is not really comfortable for long road trips and sounds like riding in a tin can on the freeway. I want something small, fun, and ideally that rides a little high for visibility and getting in and out of easily.

Any suggestions? Of course I do. I really like the Hyundai, the Hyundai Venue. It is a cute tiny little car, four doors if that's what you need, and it's higher off the ground. Also the Fiat is not high, it's not super high off the ground, but it's got a high roof line and it's zippy and it's fun and I test drove one I like the Fiat a lot. I have a Jeep Wrangler two doors fits everywhere very high off the ground Well SUV gas little expensive

What else is like I think you can get an old beetle and Just like replace the engine and stuff, like get new parts so it's new to you. And then you can get a camera, a backup camera installed on the car, on old car, and then get a screen put in the dash. And then that's the way to update an old car. I agree.

That sounds great to me. I'm trying to think of other cars that are higher off, that are high up, zippy and fun. It's tough because everything's an SUV now. Or a big old boat, like Sashir, who drives alone, yet opted for the third row option in her car, and then drives it like it's a boat. Sometimes you look like a bus driver,

you'll just be like. Ha, ha, ha. it's a boat. Sometimes you look like a bus driver, you'll just be like. It's really funny. Because it is a boat. But why do you want to drive a boat? I don't know. Just. What if I need the space? For what?

This is what I'm asking people. John Milheiser, when we were looking at cars for him, was like, what if I go camping? And I looked at his boyfriend, I was like, when is the last time y'all went camping? He said three years ago. And I said, so just in case you go three, you're not going camping.

Right. And then also he needed the cup holders in the back to face a certain way. And I was like, but you're not back there. And he's like, but I know. And I was like, but you're not back there. And he's like, but I know. And I was like, all right, we all have preferences. Yeah, we all have them.

We all have them. Ooh, can we get a, can we listen to this call? Hi, team best friends. I am an eighth grade teacher and middle school also. But I was just wondering what you guys remember from middle school, what hijinks you got up to, what slang you used. All that stuff is just really interesting to me now that I'm teaching middle schoolers and it also helps me empathize with them because we were all crazy. We did crazy stuff. We just didn't have TikTok back then. So I'd love to hear your middle school stories, just like I love hearing all your

stories. Thanks so much. Bye. Okay. I've told you about this, but in middle school we all had slam books. Yeah. And a slam book, I guess, is like a burn book in Mean Girls where we like write things down about the other kids in the grade. And then all of the girls had acronyms for the first letter of our names. Ours was CK Len. And then there was like DJ Jams and there was like DK Slam. And those are the only ones I remember. But yeah, that was like a middle school thing that we did.

Yeah. I really... But yeah, that was like a middle school thing that we did. Yeah. I didn't really. I didn't have a friend. I was in color guard, choir. I was acting. I was in mock trial. I was in ski club, bowling, fishing club.

But you didn't have no friends in any of these clubs? I had so many friends, but we didn't get up to hijinks. You didn't? No. We would always drink at one of my friend's houses, and I remember her mother used to- In middle school? Yes, and her mother would put rubber bands

on the liquor cabinet, and we would just take them off. So a band. Yes, and I was like, you're not fooling us. We know how to get in there. You're not Brink's security system. I love specificity. That was funny. And Brink is the only security that I know.

I've never seen another armored truck other than Brink. And that's why I love using Brink. They're the Kleenex of security. They are the Kleenex of security. What's another Kleenex of something? I don't know. It's hard to know either. Chapstick. Oh, Chapstick. Jacuzzi's a brand. Jacuzzi's a brand? What is a Jacuzzi? A hot tub? That's a proper name for a Jacuzzi? I guess so. Wow.

I did not know that Jacuzzi was a brand. They really did it. I wonder if Jazzercise is a brand. Yes, Jazzercise I think is a brand of aerobics. Oh, okay. I guess so. Hmm. Hmm. Doesn't seem as...

I just, doesn't seem like it's on the same level. We're all jazzercising, okay? I don't think past the 80s, people were calling anything jazzercise. Well, get this, I think I'm gonna get into jazzercise next. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, because I really love my videos with Daniel

from The Body Project, not his wife, but I love Daniel fist pumping all the time. We just gotta get to the end of the videos. Also, I've been watching P90X videos, not working out to them, just watching the people in the background drop out and get overwhelmed. I'll have to show you one day.

It's really funny. This man, his name is Sean T. And he's like, okay, we're going, give it your all. And then everyone in the back is like dying. Like one lady walked away and then came back. And then you'll see them like at the end, just being like, and I love it. Anyway, I think I'm gonna get into jazz or sex.

I think I'm gonna buy leotards because I'm like, I need to buy things. Got it. I'm thinking I'm gonna buy leotards, because I need to buy things. Gotta. I think I'm gonna buy leotards and like tights and like slouchy socks and like headbands. And I think I'm gonna be a jazzercise person. This sounds very fun. Let's help more people.

Oh yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Okay. If you know a close friend's husband cheated before they were married, but dating and they cheat it with someone who's know a close friend's husband cheated before they were married, but dating and they cheat it with someone who is still a close friend, would you, who would also be cheating on their partner? Do you tell even if it's an oopsie daisy one time slip up?

Wait, if you know a close friend's husband cheated before they were married. So before the friend and their husband got married. Yes. But dating and then, and they cheated with someone who is still a close friend. So the husband slept with someone Oh, I get it. who was in the friend circle.

Yeah, so husband or no, friend and then their dating boyfriend that they then married. Different two people in the friend group. Husband goes, and then these dating boyfriend that they then married. Different two people in their friend group. Husband goes, shoo, and then these people are like, what happened? Exactly. Uh-huh. What happened?

Did you need that or was that for me? It made it helpful, but I think I got it, yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm also third or fourth in line of receiving this information, so I can't substantiate in line of receiving this information.

So I can't substantiate a glorified game of telephone. Honestly, what a beautiful sentence. Yeah. I can't substantiate a glorified game of telephone. That sounds like an insult. I cannot substantiate a glorified game of telephone. I refuse to substantiate this glorified game of telephone. I refuse to substantiate this glorified game of telephone. I'm going to use that.

I hope I remember substantiate and glorified. Those are good. That's good. Oh my god. You do jazzercise aerobics and expand my vocabulary. I love those. This is 2025 Nicole. I like that.

Well, sounds they themselves know. They are the third or fourth recipient of this information. Yeah, I think it's like if it's a glorified game of telephone, the people involved probably already know, but other people know. If that many people are talking about it, maybe. I don't think you tell. That's not your business.

And that's not your business. Yeah. How would you tell them? Your husband cheated on you, girl, when you were dating 10 years ago. Yeah, like what would the purpose be? Yeah, what are you trying to get out of it? Are you trying to ruin a marriage?

You trying to slip up in there? Oh. Oh my goodness. Are you trying to substantiate your own game? It's clear that I don't know what substantiate means. Substantiate your own game? It's clear that I don't know what substantiate means. Substantiate your own game. She don't want to play telephone anymore. She wants to play...

I want to play Hungry Hungry Hippos. Mmm hmm. Leave these people alone. Yeah, they're married. Hopefully they talked about it already. And if not, that's for them to figure out. Yeah. Leave them people alone. Mm-hmm. Solved.

Solved. Well? Well, this is the last episode for a minute. For a minute. We're taking a little hiatus. Just a little one. Yeah. But we are going to let you know when we're back.

Yes. We're going to revamp a little bit. Yes. But we are gonna let you know when we're back. Yes. We're gonna revamp a little bit. Yes. And come back bright. Bright? Fresh. Fresh.

Rejuvenated. Rejuvenated. Substantiated. Substantiated. Substantiated. Yeah, we'll be back. So get hungry because you'll be eating more of our episodes soon again. Mm-hmm.

Well, signing off for now, we'll sign on again. See you later, Captain. Who's the captain? You're the captain now. I'm the captain now. Bye. Bye. Bye. I'm the captain now. I'm the captain now. Bye! Bye! Bye!