Betrayal Weekly - Absolution | EP 5 | Jenifer's Story

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Jenifer speaks with Hope, a woman that Spencer had a multiyear long affair with during her marriage to Spencer. Jen finds her anger has now turned into compassion as she learns the circumstances under which Hope became involved with Spencer. The former mistress divulges stunning details about Spencer’s physical aggression and emotional manipulation. Hope reveals the guilt and shame she has carried for years since Spencer’s arrest.  If you would like to reach out to the Betrayal Team, email us at [e-mail].  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an IHeart podcast. Guaranteed human. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed, I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends.

Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you. you get your podcast. What's up, everyone? I'm Ago Wodom. My next guest, it's Will Ferrell. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

My dad gave me the best advice ever. He goes, just give it a shot. But if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat. Just hang in there. It would not be...

Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck. Listen to Thanks, Dad, on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey, I'm Dr. Maya Shunker, a cognitive scientist and hosts of the podcast, a slight change of plans, a show about who we are and who we become when life makes other plans. I wish that I hadn't resisted for so long the need to change. We have to be willing to live with a kind of uncertainty that. that none of us likes.

You can have opinions. You can have like a strong stance. And then there's your body having its own program. Listen to a slight change of plans on the I-Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This podcast contains discussions of sexual activity that may be disturbing for some listeners. Please take care while listening. I know a lot of people with Sank, oh, you're just upset that you got caught. I truly feel like a disgusting person.

But knowing better, I allowed myself to get wrapped up in that and that I didn't stop it. I should have. I'm Andre Gunning. And this is betrayal. Episode 5. Absolution. After Jennifer met with the sexual assault victim,

she was ready to take on the next step. Finding out more about the other relationships Spencer had during their marriage. From the very beginning, we talked about you potentially sitting down with the other women. Why do you want to take that on? When I first found out about these other women, I was enraged. I mean, I was calling them every name in the book. A few of these women I know. Fast forward three years later, and I've learned.

so much about Spence. You know, the last time I reached out to some of these women was days after Spence went to jail, and I found out I was not very nice at the time. I remember one woman, she has two teenage daughters, and I told her, I hope you raise your daughters better than this. You were angry. Very angry, very angry. I still didn't realize who he was.

He was another person with these women. I'm just trying to pull all the pieces together, kind of get all of the questions I still want answered, answered, so that I can put all of this past me. While serving in the Air National Guard, Spencer had a long time affair with one of his bandmates. To protect her privacy, we're calling her hope. it's not her real name.

Jennifer emailed Hope but didn't hear anything back from her. So our producer Carrie reached out and a dialogue began. Hope was terrified but also wanted to be helpful. There was so much she wanted to say, but the idea of reliving any of this was almost unbearable for her. Jennifer and Hope agreed to talk. But minutes before the agreed upon time, Hope texted that she felt sick.

It was emotionally too much. Call almost didn't happen, but she mustered up the courage. What did you think when you got my email? I mean, I was really surprised since it had been so long since we had last been in contact. And then I just kind of felt the wave of emotions come over me again. You know, the shame, the guilt, the fear. When this first all happened. I just felt like I was completely exposed as a terrible person and felt like my world was literally crashing down around me.

What year did you guys start in the Air Force together? 2015 or 16, somewhere around that point. So I know this might be uncomfortable for you to tell me, but how did he start this? I believe it was with a text message. I remember it being the Fourth of July midnight parade in Gatlinburg, and we were on the bus back to base, and I got this text message. I don't even remember what the initial start of the conversation was, but then a comment was made about, well, you're beautiful, something to that extent. And that's kind of where it started. Here's an attractive guy telling me I'm pretty.

That came out of nowhere. Because even at that point, I don't even remember really ever talking or having a conversation with him prior to that. I mean, I knew that he was new in the band and where he had come from, that kind of thing. But from how I remember, it was like, okay, well, let's hang out and talk. And then the next thing I know, it's happening so quickly that I was confused. I was like, what is this? I thought we were just hanging out talking. And then there we were.

And I remember feeling like, oh, my God, what's happening? But then at the same time, I didn't do anything to stop it. Did a majority of it happen when you guys were away on those weekends in Knoxville? Yes. There was no consistency to it. But, yeah, the majority of it was on those weekends. Sorry, this is, you know, I just have to take a deep breath every once in a while. How were you able to keep it a secret from everyone, or was it not a secret?

I don't know of anybody at the time that knew, at least from my end of things. I mean, I confided in my closest girlfriend in the unit afterwards, and if she knew, she didn't let on like she knew. Did you still date other people or were you guys kind of exclusive? No, I mean, I didn't date a lot during that period, but I mean, just casual dating. Nothing serious for me. And was that because you guys, did you have an agreement? No, no real agreement. What I thought were joking comments, you know, here and there, you know, your mind kind of thing.

but I didn't take that seriously, but there was no direct. You know, I don't want you to see other people. Mm-hmm. I mean, this went on for several years. How did you view this relationship? I guess just I felt, I see how I put this, because it's not very kind towards myself, but just like I was being used whenever there was a need.

But I really thought that he loved me. He had me convinced that he did. I mean, he told me. So if he was showing you that he loved you, why did you still feel used? I guess because there wasn't like a definitive thing that we were and two or three months would go by and I wouldn't hear anything or, you know, nothing like that. And then all of a sudden, here we are again. I guess maybe that's why I felt

that way. Do you feel like you loved him? I think I loved the way he made me feel about myself more than him as a person. But at that time in my life, I very much needed to feel loved and wanted. You know, I think that's what I held on to more than anything. When you look at it now, do you feel like he manipulated you? Yeah, I thought a lot about that this morning. Thinking about things and knowing my personality.

And at that time of my life, you know, The deployment group, I guess, really sticks out of my mind because I wasn't nearly as talented as any of the rest of them in the group. The entire time I was in the group, I was like, I don't have anything to offer. But I felt like he made it a point to push for me to be in the band. I don't really know how I got approved. I don't know the channels that it went through. but even at the same time I knew like they're way more qualified people than me

so I guess I felt like maybe that was the only reason that I was in the group and that made me feel like I owed him something here I'm having this awesome opportunity and I knew like I shouldn't be going but just thinking today that may have been part of it

and then just, you know, the innocent comments or walking by and brush up against me kind of thing, which, you know, reading about grooming specifically, those are some of the ways that it's done. And there were a lot of instances like that, just randomly out of nowhere kind of thing. And that's the kind of stuff I'm curious about, you know, because I'm just starting to kind of learn about that grooming process as well. well. Is that how it starts? Just like, you know, the walking by and like tap you on the shoulder or I don't know. I mean, is that how he was? Yes. I mean, a lot of times there were just those, I mean, not completely blatant, obvious things to realize, you know, to notice. But probably to everyone else around wouldn't be obvious. I have to ask, and this is not easy for me, but was his marriage ever talked about, or was I ever brought up? I don't remember much conversation other than, you know, like where you were working at the time.

I mean, I knew that you traveled a lot, and then just bits of conversation, like, when you guys have. open the coffee shall, but nothing super personal. I remember that there was never any indication on his part that what we were doing was wrong. I felt it. I knew it. I mentioned it. When you mentioned it, what was his response? Just the reiteration of how he felt about me. I mean, he really never openly talked about the marriage. I feel like, If I was with someone over the span of four years, I would be emotionally invested. And I would have questions for him about why he's doing this. I mean, did he talk about like he was going to get divorced ever?

I guess if you're asking if I felt like he was ever going to divorce to be with me, we never discussed that. And again, I guess from relationships in my past, I didn't feel like I was worth having in any kind of long term because most of the people in my life in relationships left me. And so maybe I never even considered or expected that of him. I mean, he never discussed a future with me. And I know that makes me sound terrible. Like, you're a fool for being with someone like this. No.

I think he prayed on you and did make you feel so good. That happens to a lot of people. We get sucked in. I am in no way attacking you. I have empathy for you. This still causing you pain in your life. Looking back, there was definitely more to it. So when you would see me, was it uncomfortable?

It was. I felt completely guilty and horrible. Yeah. It felt weird. I didn't know how to act or how to be. It was just all so shocking. You know, first the student and then somebody I knew. There's two golden rules that any man should live by.

Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck.

I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe.

On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Ego Wode. My next guest, you know from Step Brothers Anchorman, Saturday Night Live and the Big Money Players Network. It's Will Ferrell. Woo, woo, woo, woo. My dad gave me the best advice ever.

I went and had lunch with him one day. And I was like, and dad, I think I want to really give this a shot. I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings. I'm working my way up through and I know it's a place that come look for up and coming talent. He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet. Yeah. He goes, but there's so much luck involved. And he's like, just give it a shot.

He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall, and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat. Just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be. Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck.

Listen to Thanks Dad on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. You can have opinions. You can have like a strong stance. and then there's your body having its own program. I'm Dr. Maya Shunker, a cognitive scientist and hosts of the podcast, a slight change of plans, a show about who we are and who we become when life makes other plans. We share stories and scientific insights to help us all better navigate these periods of turbulence and transformation.

There is one finding that is consistent, and that is that our resilience rests on our relationship. I wish that I hadn't resisted for so long the need to change. We have to be willing to live with a kind of uncertainty that none of us likes. Listen to a slight change of plans on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Obviously, you know that he got convicted. Right. Do you remember how you found out about his arrest? I do.

I had pulled up in the parking lot at work. it was in the evening and a friend from the band text and said, have you heard about censor? I was like, no, what's going on? And they went on to tell me, you know, well, he's been arrested.

I was completely shocked. I was like, surely, that can't be, but I know that there wouldn't be an arrest warrant of that nature and that seriousness without there being some truth to it. So I guess part of me knew, okay, yeah, I can see

You could? I mean, I guess based on some of the experiences that I had, part of me could see that that was probably true. There were things that were asked of me that I was absolutely not comfortable with, and I feel like I was forced to play a role that was not me. There would be certain looks that just made me feel different in cunning words. I guess, you know. Obviously, he had a side to him that I never knew anything about. Did you see a side to him that you didn't expect?

Yeah, there was a very dominating side to him. Just some of the physical requests they were foreign to me. Looking back, I remember a couple of times where, you know, he would kind of put his hands around my throat. and pushed down. That kind of caught me off guard. Yeah. He had a lot of fantasies that he wanted, played out, different things at different times.

And I don't really want to be very specific, but there was a time where, you know, he asked, you know, I want you to be this way when I come in. I just didn't know anything about a lot of that. so I didn't know how to be other than just comply. When you think about Spence, what do you think of now? Or how do you see him now? I don't know.

Part of me is angry at him for dragging me through all of this. That's not to say that I don't take full responsibility for my actions. But years later, I still get very emotional about it and still have so much guilt and shame. and it makes me mad at him. You have every right to be mad at him. I mean, there's a person in a band that he has written letters to asking if I'm okay. Like, don't ask about me.

Like, just don't leave me out of it. You obviously take responsibility for your decisions, but in a way, and I hope you're not offended by this word, but I almost see you as a victim. Does that make sense? I think so. I do. Many years later,

why do you think you still feel so bad about this? I mean, I'm a Christian. I was raised to know right or wrong, and I just feel like I let so many people down. It's just my nature. I'm a people-pleaser to a fault, and I can't stand the thought of somebody being disappointed in me or to know that I've hurt someone deeply.

And I know at some point in my life I have to forgive myself, but it's just really hard. Who do you feel like is disappointed in you? Still. Obviously, the commander of the unit, here I've taken this pledge to put honesty, integrity, into service before self, and I failed at that.

What is the shame? Where is that coming from? Is it just having an affair and getting caught? No, I know a lot of people would think, oh, you're just upset that you got caught. No, I truly feel like a disgusting person. But knowing better, I allowed myself to get wrapped up in that and that I didn't stop it.

I should have. When you're around the band members now, what is that like for you? I don't know who in the band knows, who doesn't. I assume that everyone does. But thankfully, there are some genuinely good people that realize people make mistakes. I was surprised at the people that chose to write and communicate.

And that until you, nobody has reached out to me to see how I'm doing with all of it, you know. I'm sorry no one's reached out to you. I can't believe people in the unit have been writing to Spence. After everything he's done. Another thing I never really fully understood was I got the standoffish vibes, but then I know that there were some that were very proactive in defending him. And I was outcast.

How could these people go and defend somebody who did this to a child? Do you ever get angry about that? I do, yeah. It just feels unfair, you know, to have the country. commander of the unit. Come into the band building, dressed in the suit, ready to go to headquarters to plead a case for somebody to get an honorable discharge and to not even speak to me or be able to really look at me. That's a really shitty thing to do. You're going to waltz in there and tell them what a great guy this person is that's in prison for sexual assaults of a student

six counts. And I think that's the first time I verbalized that to anybody, how that has made me feel, especially specifically with people in the unit. Did you ever think that there might be other women? No, I never, that never crossed my mind. Not to say that I was something spectacular that he didn't want to go anywhere else, but now I'm kind of curious, like, how extensive is this is. Or was I the only idiot out there that fell for this?

Besides the high school student, there were many other women. Okay. I don't know how that makes you feel. I don't mean to hurt you. No, I don't think it as that. It's just I'm not the only one that hurt you or that was hurt most likely themselves. Have you ever thought about writing him a letter? Yes and no

I've been given his address And every time that I thought about it I was like no I'm not ready First of all I don't want to give him The satisfaction of me reaching out to him And then Like what would I say

Maybe it would feel good to write it And never send it But yeah I've chosen not to I wish I could forget the whole thing I was a person that I don't recognize and I don't remember that person. This is not the worst thing that has ever happened in the world. And if we cannot learn and grow from the bumps of life,

yeah, that's a good way to look at it. You're getting married in two weeks. I am. You must be so excited. I feel a lot better now that we've gotten through. All of this, I don't feel as afraid, I guess. Good. And my fiancee knows this situation.

I think that's really amazing that he can know me at my lowest points and all of the bad decisions and still find it. And it's hard to love me. So I feel very undeserving of it, but I'm very thankful for it. You shouldn't. We all deserve that. I mean, I think about it, too. Am I ever going to meet someone that is okay with the family? fact that I was married to this guy who got sent to prison, you know, I just, I don't want you

living with this hanging over your head in any way because it's over, you know? Right. It was like a different chapter, but you're about to embark on a new chapter. Don't carry this in with it. Okay. I don't look at this situation like, what? What a bitch. I can't believe she had an affair.

I look at it as you were caught up in something that was incredibly manipulative without knowing that somebody was being manipulative. Your side of the story, I think, is as important as mine if anybody's going to learn something from this. You know there's somebody else out. there who feel shame about an affair they had, you know? I appreciate how comfortable you've made me feel. Remember, this is not easy for me, but you made me feel comfortable as well. And congratulations again. Thank you.

I appreciate that. Enjoy and be happy. Do you think you can? I think I can now. I feel more at peace about it. I think at this point I can at least try to forgive myself and move forward. Not beat myself up over it for the rest of my life, for a time of my life that is no more. Well, I hope you know that I don't hold anger or bitterness toward you.

Yeah. Thankful for that. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that, trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends,

Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed I will be his last target.

He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What's up, everyone? I'm Ego Vodom. My next guest, you know from Step Brothers Anchorman,

Saturday Night Live, and the Big Money Players Network. It's Will Ferrell. Woo! Woo! My dad gave me the best advice ever. I went and had lunch with them one day, and I was like, and Dad, I think I want to really give this a shot.

I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings. I'm working my way up through, and I know it's a place that come look for up and coming talent. He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet. Yeah. He goes, but there's so much luck involved. And he's like, just give it a shot. He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be

an inspiration. It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat, just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be. Right, it wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck. Listen to Thanks, Dad, on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. You can have opinions. You can have like a strong stance. And then there's, your body having its own program. I'm Dr. Maya Shunker, a cognitive scientist and hosts of the podcast, a slight change of plans, a show about who we are and who we become when life makes other plans. We share stories and scientific insights to help us all better navigate these periods

of turbulence and transformation. There is one finding that is consistent, and that is that our resilience rests on our relationships. I wish that I hadn't resisted for so long the need to change. We have to be willing to live with a kind of uncertainty that none of us likes. Listen to a slight change of plans on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I wanted to regroup with you on something that Hope said because I found it really heartbreaking. She mentioned that she was being snubbed by people in the Air Force band. Meanwhile, there are people in the band that are going and speaking on Spence's behalf.

And that just felt so hypocritical. So after talking with hope, I feel for her. You know, she still holds so much shame about what she did. And so me talking to her, it was really. nice to hear her side of the story because I've read a lot of correspondence between Hope and Spence. And that relationship is exactly what I thought it was. Him manipulating her, telling her he loves her, and having her do things she's not

comfortable with. And you can just see it. Then when I hear that everybody is snubbing her and in, making her to feel like she's the bad guy here and they go and they defend Spence. It made me so mad as soon as I got off the phone, I called up one of the leaders that was in this fan. Great guy. You know, this is part of our extended family, so I felt comfortable calling him. But I confronted him and I was upset and said, I heard that you guys all went in and spoke up on Spence's behalf and tried to say nice things about him.

All in an effort for an honorable discharge. Yeah, yeah. He was really honest about it, didn't get defensive, and he heard me out, and then he explained his side. The band is like a family, for sure, and so they look after one another. I didn't understand why they were looking after Spence so much, though. But what he told me was everything that they did is for the kids for Spence's family, so that they are not affected any more than they already are.

So like if he has an honorable discharge, then he'll still get a pension or something like that. I think it's a financial thing. You know, they get benefits, insurance. and all sorts of stuff. Yeah, there's nuance to this. Right. So when he explained it that way, I did understand their reasoning.

And I want hope to know that that's the reasoning, too. Maybe that'll help provide some context, and I hope that they'll be a little bit nicer to her. I hope so. What struck me the most from your conversation was her willingness to own it all and be very self-aware of where she, she was in the time of her life when she got involved with your ex-husband.

It's so stripped down and honest. And I think a lot of people can relate to decisions that you make when you're not your best self or you don't have the best faculties, like, you know, self-worth. And that takes a tremendous amount of courage and vulnerability, to be honest. She was so brave in talking to me and doing this. And I'm so glad she did because Yes, she made mistakes and she made some poor choices. There is another side, though.

She was preyed upon. And I think people tend to pray on people and manipulate people who are a little more vulnerable and do need and crave that attention. Hopefully, anybody hearing her story will realize, you know, no way, I'm worth more. I deserve better and will realize that the behavior that some of these people

are portraying, it's not okay. You've talked to the high school student, talk to Hope, and I know that part of this whole process you've wanted to have a face-to-face with Spencer.

Are you ready to get that ball rolling? Yeah, I dread seeing Spenzer. fence again. I really do because I've not seen him since the day he was arrested. But this is about finding answers and having more clarity and understanding about who he was and why he did this. And so, yeah, I have to sit down with him and talk to him. He promised me. He is totally willing to talk with me and answer questions. You know, there are maybe some he doesn't want to answer, but he agreed. He said totally willing to do this.

So what we're going to try and do is set up like a formal one-on-one at the prison. Gosh, can you imagine walking into that prison? That is going to be one of the scariest moments of my life. Yeah. You know, it's one thing just to talk to him from there, but it would be another to walk in to this prison. that he's locked up in. Oh my gosh, I can't wait to be done. I just want to have one last conversation with him, and then I can just put this to bed. It's behind me.

I don't ever need to correspond with him again. And still to come this season, Jennifer confronts Spencer. The last time we talked, you felt as if you were fine and cured and it has gone away. I still feel that way. If you'd like to reach out to the betrayal team, email us at Betrayalpod at gmail.com.

That's Betrayal POD at gmail.com. Betrayal is a production of Glass Podcasts, a division of Glass Entertainment Group in partnership with IHeart Podcasts. The show was executive produced by Nancy Glass and Jennifer Fasin, hosted and produced by me, Andrea Gunning, written and produced by Carrie Hartman, also produced by Ben Federman. Our I-Heart team is Ali Perry and Jessica Kreinschick. Special thanks to voice actors Todd Gans and Rocky Alt. Sound editing and mixing done by Matt DeVecchio.

The Trails theme was composed by Oliver Baines. Music library provided by Mind Music. And for more podcasts from IHeart, visit the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, They take matters into their own hands. I vowed I will be his last target.

He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the IHartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What's up, everyone? I'm Ego Wood.

My next guest, it's Will Ferrell. Woo, woo, woo. My dad gave me. gave me the best advice ever. He goes, just give it a shot. But if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit. If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration.

It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat. Just hang in there. Yeah, it would not be. Right. It wouldn't be that. There's a lot of luck. Listen to Thanks, Dad, on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey, I'm Dr. Maya Shunker, a cognitive scientist and hosts of the podcast, a slight

change of plans, a show about who we are and who we become when life makes other plans. I wish that I hadn't resisted for so long the need to change. We have to be willing to live with a kind of uncertainty that none of us likes. You can have opinions, you can have like a strong stance. And then there's your body. having its own program. Listen to a slight change of plans on the IHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast. Guaranteed human.