Brooke and Jeffrey: Second Date Update - Second Date Update Classic: Shank to the Heart

Episode Date: July 13, 2024

The #1 thing the woman on the phone today says she looks for in a man was SO SHOCKING, Brooke almost fell out of her chair…  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ugh, we're so done with New Year, New You. This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Gemini's because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Second Date Update. I don't like to call people out, but I am disappointed in each and every one of us. I feel like we go through this on a daily basis, Jeff. I don't know if you say you don't like to call it out. I'm more disappointed in us than usual today.

Okay, that's a difference. I feel like we're not doing a good job of getting to know our listeners. Okay. We're just rushing right into the details of the date. Isn't that kind of what the segment... We just want to know what's wrong with them, really. But we need to be like getting to know them more, not just going like, okay, we get it. You're a person.

Tell us where you went. Did you make out with one lip or two? That's selfish of us. How do you do it with one? All right, let's go. What do you want to know? I want to get a chance to really get to know them so that we can really be on their side,

really be pulling for them and understand where they're coming from. All right, let's go. Yeah, we like that. So let's try that out with Lance today. Lance, in three seconds or less, give us a snapshot of your life. Go ahead.

Wait a minute. I'm divorced. I got no kids. Okay, Lance, we don't need to hear every single detail about your entire existence. I just wanted a snapshot. I think he said teacher. You interrupted him, Jeff. I was trying to.

Well, he was going on and on. You don't have time for this. I caught divorced. Wow. That's all was going on and on. Okay. We don't have time for this. I caught divorced. Wow. That's all you caught? No kids. No kids? That's not all that defines you, Lance. No, I mean, there's more than that, you know.

Yeah, of course. Right? I'm just messing around with you, dude. So tell us more. All right, cool. So you did get the right thing. I am divorced. All right.

Are you new to the dating scene then or have you been out there for a minute? I've been out there for a minute, but you know, it's been interesting. A lot of trial and error. I'm hearing mostly error from your voice. I've been trying really hard not to get shanked. Online dating is...

Is that a concern of men? Well, you're meeting strangers online. Exactly! So, where'd you meet her? I actually met her off of Instagram, and her name is Jessica. Is she like a friend of a friend? Like, how did you come across her profile? I just kind of started looking at stuff in my area. I'm an IT guy.

You know, I'm not going to reveal my secrets. Everybody would do it. Okay. So you're just trolling Instagram to find a hottie. Not in a creepy way. That sounds very creepy, bro. Some of my friends see people on dating apps and then just DM them instead of messaging them on. It's not any different than going to a bar, like, with the intent of meeting someone.

Trolling the bar, like, trying to find someone. I was doing it in a nicer way. Yeah, you're just doing it online, locally. And if you don't want people to see you, select private on your account. So Jessica's probably open to this, i seem like she was i mean at least she didn't block me after i first messaged her okay great sign big win what was that first message well it was like hi cutie pie i love your energy i'm kind of new to the dating single want to mingle is the cutie pie real yeah in a certain time is that word for word the cutie pie real? Yeah. Is that word for word? The cutie pie thing.

Yeah, well, I mean, I don't want to come across as, like, threatening, you know? Like, hey, random guy out of the blue, how you doing? Yeah, we also don't want to be like, hey, cutie, pachootie. Hey, she responded. She liked it. Yeah. Okay. How'd you turn it into a date?

Well, I just kind of told her that I was looking for a little bit of fun, and I asked her if she'd like to go and get a steak. A steak? Very specific. Did she agree to that? Yeah, she did. And we had a really good time. We did a lot of talking.

I got to know her. She's into some pretty interesting stuff. She likes ice fishing. I mean, I personally hate the cold, but, you know, it's each their own. Okay. Whoa. Yeah, but I kind of felt like halfway through, it just...

You know when you're talking to somebody and they just kind of start nodding and trailing off a little bit? Yeah, Brooke does that to me all the time in the middle of the segment. I mean, I've lived through four years of that. That's why I got divorced. Oh.

You didn't say that, right? But I kind of started getting the same feeling again. Like, halfway through, it just kind of turned into that. The vibe shifted. Well, that's interesting. Then if that's how she treated you and you felt like she lost interest, why are you still wanting to go out with her? Well, I mean, part of it is just the insecurity of being divorced and getting back into the dating scene and initially

over instagram it seemed like we had a lot in common and we really connected and even at the start of the date it was great yeah and by the end like i look i was hoping to get maybe a goodbye kiss but it just kind of turned into one of those really awkward distant hugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where your upper body doesn't touch, but only your arms do. Yeah, she wasn't feeling it, and I just got that huge sense of disconnect,

and I'd kind of like to know why. Well, I don't blame you, because if this keeps happening with different women in your life, there may be one common denominator here. Yeah, we may need to find out. Were you calling her cutie patootie to her face during the date? No.

Okay. I mean, that's like a third date thing, you know? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. You don't move patootie out until later. Yeah. Exactly.

Okay. Well, you know, I think that that's good. That's like good growth for you to figure out what's going on and if you did something wrong. And if you didn't, then maybe you get another shot. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'd just kind of like to find out why didn't, then maybe you get another shot. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I just kind of like to find out why.

Okay. That's what our job is. Yeah. Here we are. You guys ready to work? Here we go. I feel like I know him so well. Me too.

Good job, Jeff. That three seconds. Lance, my new best friend. Let's help him out. God, that three seconds really changed my life. Wow. Okay, the sarcasm. I get it.

I'm trying to be enthusiastic. No, we got it. So what we're going to do is we're going to come back. We'll call Jessica from Instagram for you, and we'll try and get you your second date update right after this. Okay, Lance? Beautiful. Thank you. All right, man.

Hold on. Second date update. I feel like at this point, we're closer to our listener Lance than we are to our own families. Okay, Jeff. Because in the last break, we learned he was divorced. He's on Instagram. He likes steak. Don't know what else there is to find out about him.

Lance, is there anything else about you that we don't already know? What more could we possibly learn? Isn't that all of us in this room? We like steak and have an Instagram? Nobody's been divorced, bud. Lance? Oh, not yet. I mean, yeah, I do computer stuff, you know?

Oh, yeah. You already told us that. I already knew you were in IT. Yeah, I guess we already do know every single thing there is to know about you. Well, no wonder the date got boring. She learned everything real quick and then. She knows your whole soul. Yeah. But he did meet a woman named Jessica online,

took her out for dinner, and noticed her energy changed during the date where she seemed to lose interest as the night went on. And that doesn't feel good no matter who you are. Totally. And it reminded him of his ex-wife even. Which we are not going to tell her. Yikes.

But he does want to know what happened see if he did anything wrong and hopefully get another date here so let's give her a call what do you think lance yeah yeah let's do it okay we think you're very interesting so let's go thanks and uh i would appreciate it if you guys didn't mention the whole ex-wife thing too oh okay yeah yes we weren't gonna do it but now you owe us for not doing it i kind of like it stick with it jeff we're holding one over on you but here we go we're gonna call jessica this is jessica oh hey jessica okay sound a little nervous who is this good question this is brooke and jeffrey in the morning. Yeah. And that means...

Oh, God. We really don't know, actually. It means we are the number one rated morning show. Somehow. At least for the moment. Yeah. But yeah, you're on the radio right now. Okay.

And why? You have all the good questions, Jessica. I appreciate that. But we're doing a segment called the Second Date Update. That's where we try and help out our listeners who are having a little bit of trouble setting up a second date. Okay. And, I mean, one of our listeners is basically our friend that you went out with. Yeah, he's like a bestie of the show.

Can you tell me who we're talking about? Are you sure you just don't want to guess a bunch of names until we tell you the right one? Okay, she's laughing. You're on our side. I like it, Jessica. We're funny. I guess we'll just tell you. His name's Lance. Oh.

Oh, she stopped laughing. That's not as funny. You guys went to a steak dinner? Yeah. That's what he told me. Did you not go like a steak dinner? Yeah. Right? Fancy. Is that what he told you? Yeah. Did you not go to a steak dinner? Well, I mean, yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure. I mean, so, yeah. Yeah, that happened. Okay. Okay. What did you think of him? He said that he hit you up on DM on Instagram. Yeah.

You know, and that's, I mean, it's hard not to be flattered. Especially when it's not a catfish situation, right? Like he was a real person. And I did a little, you know, research. Homework. Yeah. Right. Exactly.

Homework is the right way to think of it. A lot of people do. That's normal. Right. Homework is the right way to think of it. A lot of people do. That's normal. Right? And so I really thought it was kind of a neat risk that he took to kind of slide into my DMs. And so he's expecting a bad boy. A bad boy? Wait. Well, you know, like a risk taker.

Well, because that's a bold thing to do, right? Oh, okay. I guess. Isn't bad boy what you got? Yeah, no. He, I mean, he genuinely misrepresented himself. Oh, really? Yeah.

I'm sure. He told us that his opening line was cutie patootie. Or cutie pie. Oh, cutie pie. Is that what it was? I said cutie patootie. Something like that. cutie pie is that what it was something like that yeah it was all very i don't know like fun until we're hanging out at whatever steak dinner we're at and he's like well it turns out that he's not married and i was bummed what wait what oh you bummed that

he got a divorce i think she just said that wrong. Well, yeah. So he mentioned to us that he was divorced a couple years ago. So he's been trying to get back out to the dating. But she's not involved at all. No, but I actually genuinely prefer to date married men. What? That isn't a thing. You're joking.

Don't act shocked. I cannot be the first person who's ever said that to you. Nope. I think you'd be surprised if not a lot of listeners have come on the show and said that. I mean, you say it with, like, pride almost. Oh, absolutely. You prefer to date married men? I'm not looking for anything serious,

and there is no better way to guarantee that we are not going to get serious if he's already married. So is it an Ashley Madison situation? There is plenty of people that will hook up with you that aren't married. Well, hold on a second, because I don't understand. He was divorced, he said, two years ago. How did you not realize he was divorced? Why do you think he was married? Because when I was doing my homework,

his Facebook relationship status says that he's married. Oh. My husband's relationship status on Facebook still says engaged. I didn't think people update those anymore. No, I mean, it's not a thing

Dude that is messed up You're right it is messed up He lied to me about this No Hold the phone Hold the phone No seriously hold the phone I think it's his turn

Lance is jumping on the phone He's been listening on the other line right now Why are you saying that I lied What did I lie to you about It's his turn. Lance is jumping on the phone because he's been listening on the other line right now. Hey. Oh, man. Why are you saying that I lied? What did I lie to you about? Your Facebook relationship status says you're married, and I was looking forward to it. Oh, my God. Oh, gross.

I've been on Facebook for like five years. Like, I don't update it, like, at all. Well, you should update it because otherwise you're going out into the world lying. You're being dishonest. You could probably get more dates. I'm sorry. Lance, are you not mad? You're not mad that she just said she only goes after married men?

No, I'm not mad. Like, everybody's got one life to live, and I'm just basing everything off of our interaction together. It was fun. Okay. You're not deterred by it. That's amazing. You're the only one, though, who's been able to be in a room, read her energy and vibes,

so you would know more than we do. I mean, I feel like you have a catch right now, Jessica. I mean, he's saying that he's into you, regardless of your red flags. Controversial likes. We'll go with that. I mean, I do think it's a little bit weird, but I work in IT, so I'm a little weird, too. Okay.

Samesies. We've got to get that right. I date married men, and I work in IT. Very similar. Well, look at that, Jessica. Oh, wow. He's brushing aside a lot of stuff just because he says he likes you and he thinks that you're cool. Yeah, the chemistry was there.

That's got to stand for something. Oh, if he still has his ring, he could just wear it for funsies. It's like a role play. Would that work, Jessica? Would that do it for you? You know, I like the way you think, but I'm just not into Lance. He's too available.

He's too available? Yeah, he's both available and faithful. That's way too easy. This is nuts. Okay, I could go out of town and turn off my phone. What? That makes him unavailable.

I think she's saying, call me when you get into a relationship. Oh, yeah. No, that's not exactly what I'm saying at all. I'm not looking for a cheater. I'm looking for someone who's in a stale mid-relationship. Who's in a stale already mid-relationship. So she doesn't want you to be in a happy relationship because that would be bad if she broke that up.

I mean, well, I can be bad. I can be bad. I've done a lot of bad things. Lance, I don't know if she's into that stuff. I think that ship has sailed. I think it really just comes down to your relationship status. That's the number one thing for her. I mean, you're better off, Lance.

I mean, am I really better off, though? I've already said I'm trying not to get shanked on dates. This time, I think I took a shank to the heart, guys. Oh, wow. I'd sit right to the chest. That seems a little overdramatic. Yeah. Jessica, this call

isn't going like we thought it would go at all. But is there anything else you would like to say to Lance before we end this? That I couldn't

believe he could be any lamer than what he was on the date. Oh, why did we ask? She just twisted the shake. She twisted it.

I mean, look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm kind of turned on and fired up right now. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No way. Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning. You know, we rarely do this,

but after we recorded that segment, I got back on the phone and talked with Jessica a little bit about why she thinks the way that she thinks. What, you're going to act like her therapist for a second or something? I'm not going to try and tell her what to do. It's just because we've never had anyone ever say that on our show before and be so unashamed about it. But she had two main points, and they're kind of interesting. One, she said she's not looking for a long-term serious thing, and that's exactly what married men are going for.

She made that clear, Jeffrey. serious thing and that's exactly what married men are going for when they're going for a thing. So it's actually less complicated to date a married guy than it is to date a single dude who's constantly trying to lock you down. I will tell you right now, you come up and try to date my husband, it is going to be very complicated for you. But your husband, it's going to be a great time. Plus point number two, she says married guys are more fun When they go out Because married men never get to have fun at home Oh so it's like the one night out

What is that stupid stereotype Oh my god I monitor my husband at all times I did not say that Marriage is fun It really is And like this lady sucks This lady sucks.

I hate her. I think a lot of people are with you, Brooke. No, seriously. And no one in this room is on her side, to be clear. No, none of us are. Cheating's bad. But it is interesting to hear. It's crazy to logic, right?

There's no logic. Hashtag single girl logic. How about that? Anyway, we can't say we're always going to agree with you or be on your side, but we will give it a chance and reach out to that person who isn't calling you back just to see what they have to say. Jeff will listen. I'll listen.

I'm not very good at that. It's Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning. We're so done with New Year, New You. This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Gemini's because you know you always like them.

More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.

That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it.

For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.