Brooke and Jeffrey: Second Date Update - Second Date Update: Salty Saltine

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

One of our listeners tried online dating for the first time, and was so nervous she brought someone or some-THING along with her. Find out what it is in the podcast!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's nothing wrong with bringing something along with you for a first date. Depending on who you are, it could be like a small flask. Could be a taser. I mean, you gotta be safe, I guess.

Could be a blow-up Yoda doll for after-hours pleasure. I was thinking also for protection, because anyone would leave you alone if you brought that. Or you could also bring along a real-life human being, because that's what one of our listeners, Siobhan, did. She brought a real person on her first date with her. You make it sound like an accessory, Jeffrey. She's just wearing it around her waist. It sound like an accessory jeffrey she's just wearing it around her waist it's possible siobhan what's up were they out of inflatable yodas that day or what was the thinking there honestly i hadn't even thought about going that route

and i know it's weird but i'm just getting into online dating and i'm just like trying to be super careful so yeah so make a note of Inflatable Yoda is what you just did. I see. Who did you bring, though? Was it a friend? A stranger? It's one of my good friends. In hindsight, maybe she wasn't, like, the best choice.

I would have definitely gone with a bodyguard instead. Someone for hire, yeah. So before we get to the friend, can you tell us about the guy that you went out with? What's his deal? Yeah yeah he was super cool like not somebody i would normally go after his name's joel what does that mean what was different about him well because he's a bald guy and that's but i actually told him that and um oh no wait so you told him online that you're not into bald dudes? Yeah, that I'm usually not. I'm just trying to be, like, honest, you know?

That's what we call brutal honesty, though. Yeah, that's not kind. He liked it, obviously. He went out with her. Sometimes I swipe right on people just to tell them, no, you're not my type. Yeah, sorry your nose is too big. Weird. What was his response when you said that to him?

Well, that's what was so great is he was like, I make up for it in other areas. He said, my armpit hair is three times longer. That's good. Is that a joke or is he serious? He's funny. It's funny to some people, I guess. Jeff's like instant rejection. I mean, he made me laugh and I figured that I would give it a try.

So I said yes when he invited me to go get dinner with him. Okay. Oh, well, that's good then. I was nervous, though. That's the thing. When you're new to this, like meeting someone and I mean, there's all kinds of like scary stories and. As a guy, we're creepy.

Okay, I'll admit that. Yeah, but I like share a location. I don't like bring a friend to the location. I like send him a text, you know? Yeah, that's smart though, Alexis. Well, and hadn't you chatted with this guy for long enough to feel somewhat safe? I know, but you just hear about like people getting catfished and I was like, I don't know. Dude, he's bald.

He's not going to catfish you with a picture of a bald man. Maybe his underarm was a catfish situation where the armpit hair isn't the length he said but how did it go when you met up with him yeah well i mean that's the thing like okay so i brought my friend like just as a security measure and i did not tell him about it beforehand i was gonna ask why would you not tell him what was his his reaction? Well, okay, so I showed up early, and I was, like, talking with her at the bar, but I didn't see that he was already there, so he came over and he said hi, and I introduced him to my friend Saltine. Saltine?

Did you say Saltine like the cracker? Yeah. Okay. That's her real name, or is that a nickname? That's her real name. Saltine. It could be a good thing. If you see an extra woman there, I would have been like, oh, is this some other situation?

I was curious, like, is Saltine hot? Is it possible that she distracted? Or just really dry? I would imagine she's very white. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, she's really cute. And Joel was really polite about it. I think he was definitely surprised, but he was just kind of going along with it.

Okay. Okay. So you and Joel and Saltine all sat down together for dinner. Well, we had a drink at the bar, and then the host came to tell us that our table was ready, and he asked if we could get another chair. Yeah. was ready and he asked if we could get another chair yeah but i had said no like i wanted to eat with him alone and saltine could just stay at the bar oh god that's nice she's gonna sit alone why wouldn't she just go home at that point she's still hovering brooke i mean she's like really

outgoing you know because i mean she makes friends like everywhere we go she's like very talkative and i don't know she was already there that sounds great i think most people would be like sure i'll just stay here have another drink have some food she'll keep an eye on you from a distance while you and joel have a good time how was the one-on-one time with joel so it was really nice but she came over to like check on us which was not part of the deal at all i did not tell so why was that so bad though i mean like everybody already knows he checked on them She came over to like check on us, which was not part of the deal at all. I did not tell her to do that. So why was that so bad, though? I mean, like everybody already knows each other.

She even checked on them, Brooke. She's probably lonely, though, sitting over there at the bar. It could get boring. Go home. I don't know what's happening. I'd just get an Uber at that point. Is that when Joel's like mood changed? I mean, she like went back to the bar bar but then she was texting me like hey we need

to leave now and he handled it well but then after the date i sent him a message and i told him that i wanted to hang out again and i got no reply and i feel like i came across as such a weirdo you know you did well you brought saltine with. Maybe just the name of your friend. But it's been the only reason. Yeah, so I don't know what the reason is exactly, but, like, it's been a little while now, and I've jumped back in the dating pool, and I've gone out with different guys, but no one is as cool as he was. And I really like him. Crawling back to the ball, Dion. All right. So you couldn't find a better option.

We're going to call him. That's kind of what you said. That's how dating is. That's as good as we can do now. Are we going to have Saltine on a third line? No. I don't think so. We're going to play a song.

We'll come back. We'll call Joel and try and get your second date update. And then tomorrow, we'll do an awkward Tuesday phone call with Saltine on the phone. Ooh, okay. I'm into it. I'm just kidding. Let's do the second date update next. Second date update.

Some strange names that we've heard on this show before include La Tigre. Oh, yeah. Who you might remember had more than 16 tiger tattoos on his body and was a huge tiger enthusiast. Yeah. We were like, which came first, the name or? We also had a young lady named Elizabeth-er. Oh, I forgot about her. Not Elizabeth. No.

Elizabeth-er with an E-R at the end. That was a difficult one. It was interesting for when Brooke was trying to make a point, saying now Elizabeth-er. Elizabeth-er. To Elizabeth. Or I stuttered at the end. And now we have a new person on the phone.

They're actually not on with us here, but she's a large part of the story. Yeah. Her name is Saltine. I'll never forget it. Saltine tagged along on the date with our listener Siobhan, who was nervous about going on an online date for the very first time. And so while she was over at dinner with her date Joel, Saltine sat over it by the bar just spying on them the entire time

until she had enough and actually marched up to the table and embarrassed Siobhan. Yeah, I tried to leave. Now it's been almost a month and Siobhan's hoping to get back again with Joel. Siobhan, do you have any last words before we reach out to him? I know I messed up when I took saltine but i really like this guy like he is like the best thing especially compared to what i've been going out with since yeah he's awesome okay okay he's awesome let's get him on the phone it was all saltine's fault we'll just blame it on her yeah that's true if you can blame it on her and then you just say you're so awesome

i regret everything i think it's easy peasy. Maybe there's a whole different reason, though. Let's just call Joel and see what he has to say. You ready? Okay. Oh, my God. All right. Deep breath.

Here we go. Hello? Hey, is this Joel? Yeah. Who's this? Hey, is this Joel? Yeah. Who's this? Hey, Joel. My name's Jeff from a morning radio show that you may have heard of called Brooke and Jeffrey in the Morning. Yeah, I think I've heard of you guys.

Cool. Thank you for the good review. We've heard it. Funny thing is we heard of you, too. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Good things is we heard of you too. Oh yeah? Good things too about you Joel. We heard it from somebody that you went out on a date with a little while ago named Siobhan.

Oh you do remember Siobhan because it was she said like 30 days like a month ago that you guys went out. Yeah it's been a punk yeah. Okay. Getting hints from the tone of your voice that it wasn't the best date for you but we kind of knew that yeah uh no it was not all right was it funny you laughed it it's just uh so we we went out to dinner like a month ago. And when I went out with her, she ended up bringing her friend on the date.

Do you remember her friend's name? Yeah, Saltine. That's the one. I thought it was crazy because when we matched online, I thought her name was beautiful. I love the name Siobhan. And then on the date, she brings this friend named Saltine. And I'm just like, this is the most absurd thing I've ever heard in my life. Siobhan said that you seemed to be really cool with it.

You were able to basically roll with the evening, which is awesome. How did it go? I didn't want to be a dick about it. It was weird having another person there. But next door, I suggested let's get a table for three. Well, that's polite. Siobhan just said, she's going to sit at the bar and watch us. Oh, yeah.

What are you saying? I'm like, bar and watch us yeah immediately red flag somebody's gonna watch us you're not into that lifestyle the chaperone because I mean I do enjoy watching sometimes when other couples get in I bet you watch it's fun for all I'm just not into that

voyeuristic lifestyle that's not why she was watching come on siobhan told us just like wait you're not but siobhan told us that saltine is kind of a like a fun type like a outgoing social girl yeah yeah she she seemed pretty cool again like i I thought we would fit together. Yeah. Us sitting alone only lasted about 20 minutes because then Saltine is, like, stumbling over to the table. Stumbling? Wait, she's drunk? Clearly drunk.

Oh. She's alone in a bar. What is she supposed to do? It's only 20 minutes, Alexis. It's a lot of shots. What? I was just going to say that. Alexis gets it.

And then she starts coming at me, saying how I'm the unlucky one that I didn't match with her. That he's the fun one. That Siobhan is boring. Wait, is Siobhan sitting there while she's totally like. No, Siobhan had gone up to go to the bathroom. Oh, that's even worse. So you're with Saltine now? Yeah, don't ask that yet.

She's the fun one. No, I'm not with Saltine. I'm not don't ask that yet. She's the fun one. No, I'm not with Saltine. I'm not with any of them. Oh, well, that's good. And that's sex for Siobhan. She thinks she's bringing her most trusted friend with her to help her out, and she's trying to steal her man. Look, 10 minutes later, Saltine is getting carted out of the bar.

She was getting kicked out or cut off, and siobhan takes care of her she orders her an uber to get her home so we just decided to call it early and i i drove her home and i i don't like to judge people off their friends but like yeah this was a pretty big red flag yeah that's the worry that's gonna be hard for her to hear yeah actually she's already kind of heard that joel because i didn't let you know this before but siobhan has actually been on the other line listening this entire time wow just spying in on the conversation like saltine did and now she wants to jump in and talk to you yeah hi did you know that siobhan no no i had no idea i had no idea siobhan you know what i don't have any idea about how did she get my number what what who got your number saltine

what what do you mean she's texting me apologizing about that night saying how sorry she was like begging me to go back out with you so much that she offered me money oh my god she wants to pay you chill yo this girl's so extra is that what's going on oh my god she sounds like she's a stable person i don't even really know what to say. I mean, I'm imagining that she probably got your number through my phone. I obviously didn't give it to her. And, like, this is not a representation of how I am as a person at all. Like, I had no idea that she would backstab me like this.

Backstab? Yeah, talking to her about her when she was in the bathroom. That was totally backstab me like this. Backstab? Yeah, talking crap about her when she was in the bathroom. That was totally backstabbing. What about the part where she tried to fix the relationship? With money? It was like, you should go out. With money? It's not okay that she did that.

She should have stayed out of it. Like, she made enough of a mess when she came over to the table. Like, maybe I would have had a chance had she not been such a creep and then stolen your number out of my phone, trying to pay you to go out with me. Like, that's so messed up. Right. Yeah. Do you know that she asked me out? No.

Wait, what? Wait, via text or when she was drunk at the bar? She texted me, like, last week asking if I'd be her date to some like dental hygienist ball. Oh, she is all over the place. She just wants attention, dude. I mean, she's wild and crazy. And like, I've seen her do some shady stuff, but like I never thought she would do something

like this to me. Yeah, you trusted her. And I bet you've been talking to her about how much you've been thinking about Joel and about how you wish you could go out with him again. Yeah. I'm totally. Oh, my goodness.

That is hard to hear. I'm going to get her back. Oh, you're going to what? Don't attack her. Let's not fight. Let's just be direct. I think to me it sounds like Siobhan is on the brink of cutting saltine out of her life permanently. Which may not be bad.

Low-sodium diet? Yeah. So with... Oh, my gosh. I don't know if that's true, Siobhan, but if it is, Joel, now that saltine is out of the picture, would you be willing to go out with Siobhan just by herself? She's the stable one.

The boring one. Yeah. That's a good thing right now sorry a boring gluten-free date with siobhan and we'll pay for it i don't know you know they're best friends it's hard to just like ex-best friends a best friend yeah he's not my best friend like i know i know i messed up i know that it was super weird and creepy what I did. I was nervous because it was my first time online dating, but I really like you and I would just appreciate just

one more chance. Please. I swear to God, Saltine's not going to be there. She's not going to be anywhere near me ever again. Honestly, I'm not crazy like her. I just lost my best friend. Please let this be some sort of, like,

consolation prize. That's a good pitch. Joel, Saltine will not be anywhere on your date, but she will still be tracking your phone. So just keep that in mind. But I say give Siobhan one more chance. You've got to say yes to that, Joel. I don't know. Yeah.

Yeah. He said yeah Congratulations Siobhan Siobhan's phone's gonna explode Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning I am just wondering How in the world do we get Saltine to call us for A first date update

That's all you want? You know that she's mad after Joel blew her off for the dental hygienist ball Do we get Saltine to call us for a first date update? That's all you want? You know that she's mad after Joel blew her off for the dental hygienist ball. She's a terrible friend. She's not a good person. Okay, she's perfect for our show. I know. She is exactly the type of person radio needs.

I'm trying to marry her. Jose, I want to set you up on a date with Saltine. Dude, me too. She's got a big mouth and loose morals. Oh, I love it, dude perfect that's exactly what i need and she changes her apparently opinion and attitude every 30 minutes oh now if she just has no standards yeah perfect and some sort of plastic surgery oh yeah i didn't think of that i will not rest until saltine appears on this show. I mean, she could be Jose Cinderella. Is that what you're saying? That's what I'm

thinking. Oh, Saltarella! But, yeah, you know, that kind of bums me out. I guess I am happy that we got a second date for our listeners. Oh, I'm so excited for them. I want an update for them. I think they're gonna be cute. They deserve a fair shot just now. For sure. Yeah, but if you ever

want to get a second date update or you have a weird friend that ruined one of your dates email the show we'll call the person who isn't calling you back brooke and jeffrey in the morning john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast join late night legend john stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines exclusive extended interviews and more now this is a second term we can all get behind listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts