CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Accountability, Boundaries, and That Person You Don't Want To See

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Whitney talks about accountability in parent-child relationships: children should not be held accountable for their actions in the same way as adults there is a power differential between parents and children which continues into adulthood parents need to to consider how their actions would have felt to their child at the time And Whitney's first questions from her voicemail (866-CALL HOME): dealing with anxiety over running into estranged family members supporting a spouse who is hesitant to reconcile with their parents Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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having a solo Q&A episode. I'm going to dive a little bit into some of the comments that I got on social media, go into some of the posts that I put up lately that have been maybe a little bit more controversial or evoked some strong emotions in people. And then I'm going to take real listener questions from the Calling Home voicemail box. So let's go ahead and get started. I put up a post on TikTok last week that I got an interesting response to. And this post was about parents taking accountability for the parenting choices that they made. And someone commented back and said, I also find it curious that it's always the parents' fault. Never do you hear accountability or ownership of the kids and the role they played.

So I want to dive a little bit deeper into this idea of accountability, and accountability, especially of children about things that they did in their childhood. Asking a child to be accountable for what they did in childhood often doesn't really make sense because at that age, the child was acting in a way that was probably developmentally appropriate. They were just being a kid, right? So what types of things are we trying to hold kids accountable for? Let's really think about that. Is it that they were being loud? That they didn't put their toys away, that they didn't listen on the first try. These are all things that we would expect from a child, they're kids, they're not adults. And what gets really tricky

in this conversation is that when we expect children to be held accountable for how they were behaving, we are expecting them to do something that they are not capable of doing. And we're also taking the accountability off of the adults and putting it on to the child. So this gets really problematic when a parent does something and then blames the child for that parenting decision. So let's walk through an example. Let's say that I have a kid that yells and they're being really loud and they're throwing things and I snap at them and we've all been there, right? I'm a parent. I understand what it's like to get to that point where you feel like, oh my gosh, I'm not even control myself anymore. I'm just going to snap.

And so let's say you then yell at your kid, you scream at them, you grab their arm, whatever it is that you do. And then you say to them, I wouldn't have done that if you didn't yell and threw that toy. That's the only reason why I did that to you. So in that moment, we're saying, I'm not accountable for my actions. I don't have to be held accountable for how I just parented because this child set me off and they are the reason why I did that. And when these conversations happen in childhood between parents and their kids, they often continue into adulthood. And so that's usually who I work with as a therapist, right? Are the adult kids who are wanting to have better relationships with their parents or wanting to navigate that relationship in a

different way. And so if you're an adult child and you bring up a situation where you say, You know, Mom, I'm really upset about how you used to yell at me every day when I got home from school. And you used to tell me that I was a bad kid and you go into all this stuff. And the parent says, well, I only did that because you were bad. You were a really hard kid to parent. You were so difficult. You made my life so hard. I didn't have a choice.

We are in that moment asking our children or your parent is asking you. to hold all the accountability for why they did what they did. And this is a totally unfair dynamic, right? Because kids can't be as powerful as adults. Kids are not little adults. Kids cannot be held accountable in the same way as their parents. And so you cannot put that accountability on your child. The other thing I see happening here that is tricky is that there is a huge power differential between parents and their children. And this is especially true in childhood, but this continues into adulthood. And so you as the parent, or for any kids listening, your parent is always going to hold some power over you, even when you are both adults. And I think

we have to remember that when we're having these conversations is that the parent is coming to this with a different perspective. There has. having a totally different conversation with their adult child. You are remembering things differently. You have more context likely of the situation. You are not coming to this in the same position as your child. And it's important to remember that the adult child might be coming to you as an adult to say like, hey, mom, this bothered me. But they're not feeling the feelings of an adults in that situation. They're thinking about how they felt as a child. And so we as parents have to think about how would this have felt for that 12-year-olds? How would this have felt for that five-year-olds

who didn't have any power, who didn't have any context, who didn't have any options in this situation? And how can I put myself in that position when I'm having this conversation with my adult child. I want to dive into another comment that I got on this topic. And that is, someone said, I think it's completely expected that it's 16, they have the capability to be accountable for lots of things, being honest, disrespectful, rude, et cetera. And 100%. Like kids, teens, young adults, they have to learn accountability. But that accountability has to be developmentally appropriate and accountability has to be modeled and taught in the home, right? So the parents have to model accountability and the parents also have to have reasonable expectations for what a child can

be accountable for and what the consequences to that accountability look like. So I think sometimes we expect like way more out of kids than we even do out of adults, right? We expect them to never be loud to never make a mess, to never forget something. We expect them to always listen on the first try. And we as adults don't do that. We hold ourselves to much looser standards and we often want much more forgiveness than we're willing to give our children. And so when we're talking about holding kids or teens accountable, I think it's important to think about what is a reasonable level of accountability for this person at this age. So there are certain things that a quote unquote regular teenager could be accountable for, right? You know, maybe that's cleaning up after

themselves, getting places on time, handling their own lunch for school. Like, there are things that they can be held accountable for. Now, that being said, a teen being held accountable for their own actions doesn't mean that they also have to be held accountable for evoking a reaction and emotions in us. So I want to go back to the example that I used when I was responding to that last comment is that if my teen messes up and they do something wrong and they upset me and I decide to scream and throw things and call them names, that's not their fault. They don't need to be held accountable for that. I need to be held accountable for how I chose to respond in that moment. And the teen needs to be held accountable for the mistake that they made. So let's say,

they didn't get to school on time for a week. And now there are consequences to that. You know, they may not get privileges on social media or maybe they're going to get in trouble at school or whatever the natural consequence is to that lack of accountability, but we cannot blame our children for evoking certain reactions in us that are extreme and cruel. And if they come back to us later in life and say, every time I made a mistake, Mom, you would call me names, you would berate me. You would criticize me. You would withhold love and affection from me. It is incorrect to say, well, I wouldn't have done that if you weren't such a bad kid. Because there is no child on this planet that isn't worthy just by their mere state of being alive of our love, respect, and our

consistency as parents. The way that your child acts does not negate that. And so I think for the adults in the world who are struggling with reconciling their relationships with their parents, this is a big belief and a big, like, really deep conditioning that you have to unravel, is that you were not so bad that it made your parents treat you bad. That's a reflection of them. It is not a reflection of your worth as a human being. All right, now let's dive in to some listener questions and play some of those voicemails from the Calling Home mailbox. This might sound weird, but I'm starting to make myself kind of small. I'll look down. I won't try to make eye contact with anyone. I get kind of anxious. It's really because I'm worried about running into my mom

or my sister. We've had no contact for a while now, a few years. The relationship was toxic. They were gaslighting me. They were belittling me. I was getting blamed for everything. It was just awful. But I'm struggling with how to best handle

when I actually end up running into them on accident. I've been avoiding family gatherings, like funerals and reunions and all of that. I've also distanced myself from relatives, except for my brother, because I just don't know how to respond to the questions as to what happened. I just don't want to get into it. Is there anything I can do here to feel more comfortable in my own town where I'm living and not have that constant anxiety of running into them? Any help would be super appreciated. Thanks.

So the first thing I want to say is that it makes complete sense that you would feel anxious about running into family members or people that you're estranged from and not wanting to answer questions from people or have those run-ins. I think so many people feel this way. And so if you're estranged and you live in an area where you might run into someone that you don't speak to, I think this will be helpful for you. The first thing I would do is realize that the anticipation of the event and wondering when and if it will happen is often one of the worst parts. So this feeling that you're walking around with where you feel like when am I going to run into them? What will happen if I run into them? What will they do? What will I say? What will they think? That is like one of the worst feelings that can come from all

of this. And what's also happening here is that you likely don't trust yourself or believe in your ability to handle what's going to come at you, which is also very normal. So what I would want to do is have you get more in touch with what would be your ideal scenario if this were to happen because it probably will at some point and what options are available to you and how much control can you assert over the situation. So this person mentioned that they live in a smaller town and that you may run into someone, you know, on the street at the grocery store, whatever. I would want to role play and this could be helpful to do with a therapist or with someone else that you trust. If you could role play, like, what might happen if I run into them on the

street, if I run into them in the produce aisle? Would I want to say hello? Would I want to just keep walking? What would I do if they said something to me? What am I comfortable sharing? What are my hard limits and boundaries in this situation? And trying to practice what this would look like, what feelings might come up for you, what are the things that you definitely do not want to do or say in this situation? And the more you rehearse this, the more comfortable you feel about your ability to respond in a way that is congruent with your values and your beliefs and how you feel as a person, the less scary that it will feel. It's also important to practice this belief of, I know this is going to happen at some point. I will run into them. I will see

them. And I will get through it. I will handle it. Even if it upsets me, even if it's really difficult for me, I will get through this. And building your confidence in that situation can be helpful. May also be good to think about, is there someone that I could call if this happens? is there someone that could support me, someone that understands my situation and that could validate, you know, what I'm going through or the difficult decision that I had to make? Now, of course, the really unknown wild card factor here is that you don't know how your family will respond in these situations. And I think for some people, there's a fear that they could yell or say something mean or do something really rude. And I don't think

there's really anything that can totally prepare you for a family member doing that, especially in a public place when you are estranged. And so to anybody that's going through that or has gone through that, I think it's just hard. And I can't sugarcoat that. And that is a moment when if when that happens, it's good to surround yourself with people that can really bring you back to that deep place of knowing of like, this is why I can't have a relationship with this person. I am not the crazy one here. If someone has chosen to be abusive to me in some way to yell at me, to call me names, that is further evidence of what I need to do in this situation. It's also very common for people to be engaging in fantasy making, you know, when it comes to this stuff, whether that's negative or positive. So thinking about all the things that could go wrong, all the things that they could say to you that are bad.

And also maybe hoping, like, maybe I'll run into them and they'll hug me and we'll say, I forgive you and everything will be good again and they will magically be this other person. And I just want to validate that if anybody is doing that, I understand why you would do that. And I think it's important to live in this space of like, I can have hope for that and wish for that and dream that and like really would love if that happen. and I also make space for the other reality that this person may not become the person that can give me something like that. All right, let's go ahead and take another call. Hi. I'm calling about my wife. She didn't necessarily have the best childhood growing up

wasn't really the best situation for her rough. Her parents have asked for forgiveness and they reached out and they're open to talking to my wife about the experiences that she had as a child and why it sucked and all of it and they're they're willing to do to go to therapy and do whatever it takes to make things better she's just not open to it and make matters worse I got a buddy who's in a similar situation and I was just wondering if you could lend some advice to you know how do I help them move forward thanks I look forward to hear I think it's really wonderful that your wife's parents want to go to therapy, that they're willing to make amends and they're willing to move forward. I think it's also wonderful that you're concerned about this and that you want to be supportive of your wife.

And I imagine that there is a deep level of pain for you as well that probably doesn't get acknowledged enough that this is also hard for you. and it's hard to see your wife go through something like this. The insight that I want to give here is that when I hear people whose parents are ready to move forward, they want to make amends and the child saying, I'm not ready. I can't do that in this case your wife. I imagine if I had to put myself in your wife's shoes that she's feeling a lot of fear and trepidation and anxiety about moving forward and maybe not feeling like she can trust that her parents are really ready to make amends and heal. And I would imagine that that belief is formed possibly from

faulty attempts at repair, not being able to trust in the past, something like that. I don't know the details of the situation, but this tends to be what gets people tripped up. I would also bet if I made an assumption that your wife probably wants things to be better and she doesn't want things to be like this. She's just scared of the fallout or the feelings that could come up if it doesn't work and she lets them in again. So for you as a partner with that knowledge, I think it's about supporting your wife in the space that she's in and knowing that even though you understand and you're there for her, you'll never really understand what it was like to have her parents as her parents and you'll never understand maybe what she went through or what led to this fallout.

And so her parents might be making compelling arguments to you or you might feel like they really genuinely want to move forward, but it's hard for you to totally put yourself in that position. Now that being said, I think it's okay to make room to have conversations about like what scares you about letting your parents back in. What would it looked like? What has happened in the past when you tried to make amends with them? And really just try to get curious about her experience and what she might be going through and have extreme patience. And I know that's really hard because I think deep down, everyone just wants their family to be okay and to be functioning and to be healthy. And we want that for our partners as well.

Thank you so much for setting in your questions this week. I hope listening to those questions and the insights helped you feel less alone and maybe gave you the confidence to navigate a difficult situation you're having in your own family. If you would like to leave me a voicemail or ask a question in an upcoming episode, please call 866-225-466. I'll see you at home again soon. I don't know.