CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Ambiguous Loss and Grief

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

In this episode of The Calling Home podcast, host Whitney Goodman discusses the concept of ambiguous loss, a term coined by researcher Pauline Boss in the 1970s. This type of loss refers to grief that has no definitive boundary or closure, such as the loss of a loved one who is physically absent but still present in thoughts, or a loved one who is physically present but emotionally absent. Goodman provides advice on how to grieve this type of loss, including giving oneself permission to grieve, finding people who understand the situation, and being open to having a different type of relationship with the person.  Join Whitney’s Family Cycle Breakers Club for further support and discussion on family dynamics at CallingHome.co. Follow the Calling Home community on Instagram or TikTok.  Follow Whitney Goodman on Instagram or TikTok.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome back to the Calling Home podcast. I am your host, Whitney Goodman. I am so excited to be diving in to another solo episode today. These really are my favorite to record and you guys designed and chose this episode, which are usually best episodes when they're created by you. And today I'm going to be talking about ambiguous loss. Before we get into that, I wanted to give you all a couple of updates about calling home. If this is the first episode you're listening to or you don't know a lot about calling home, the podcast is an extension of really my main work on the calling home platform, which is a community for people who want to end intergenerational patterns of dysfunction

in their family and they want to have better adult family relationships. We are just wrapping up an amazing month of content on adult sibling relationships. Now that content will continue to live on the site forever. So if you decide to sign up now, you can always go back and watch those videos, do the worksheets, read the articles, all of that. But our adult sibling relationship groups are coming to an end because we are opening up for the month of February are accepting your parents' groups. Now, I have a feeling that these groups are going to be really popular and likely fill up. So I wanted to give you a heads up because this episode is coming out on the 30th and on Thursday, February 1st, registration for those groups will open up. So what are we going to be talking about this month inside Calling Home? We're going to be talking about accepting your parents. And so some of those questions that we're going to answer are things like, my parents didn't do their best. What do I do now? How do I tell my parents I want an apology from them? How to accept what your parents can

and cannot do? Understanding emotionally immature parents. Ask yourself, the question, like, do my parents really know best about this specific topic? How to grieve the parent who could have been and never will be? How to tell your parent that you can't help them. So this is a really great month of content for any adult children that are out there that are struggling with this issue. We will have weekly groups every Wednesday that are specifically about accepting your parents. And if you're not totally into this topic or don't think that it applies to you, don't worry, you can access any of the other content on the website. We have stuff about boundaries, traditions, family values. And we also have two

general groups a month that are just about anything that's going on with you related to family dysfunction where you can come, talk to other people, listen, give and take advice, and really connect with other people that are in a similar situation to you. I think our groups are the best thing about the calling home community. If you're listening to this podcast thinking, oh my gosh, Are there people out there like me who feel this way who are going through this? The group is the absolute best place for you because you will realize that there are a lot of people like you out there. If you're scared to come to a group, if that feels nerve-wracking to you, definitely consider just like coming and hanging out and listening to what other people have to say. I think that you'll be really surprised about like how comfortable you feel and how relaxed you're able to get after like one or two groups.

That's usually when I hear people start. really getting engaged with the content. If you'd like to join the Family Cycle Breakers Club and access all of the wonderful stuff I just told you about, you can visit callinghome.com calling home.com, calling home.co. To sign up. All right, let's go ahead and dive into today's topic. So I asked you all what you would like me to talk about this week and this topic won by a landslide. And that is ambiguous loss. And I think that this fits in a lot with the topic of acceptance. your parents because sometimes accepting your parents really is a type of ambiguous loss. If you're not familiar with this term, in the 1970s, researcher Pauline Boss came up with the term

ambiguous loss. And this is a term that describes the grief that has no definitive boundary or closure. So I'll give you some examples of that. When Boss was coining this theory of ambiguous loss, she was researching families of soldiers who were missing in action after the Vietnam War. And unlike the people who knew that their family members were deceased, these missing in action families were frozen in their grief. They didn't know what to do with it. They didn't know if the person was alive, if they would return, if something was going on with them. And she recognized through her work that this type of grief was profoundly different. from people who had an ending to their story or the people who had found closure.

And there are two types of ambiguous grief, according to Pauline Boss. The first one, and you can see if you identify more with one of these or not, the first one is physically absent but still in your thoughts. So with this type of ambiguous loss, this happens when a loved one is physically absent, but they're still present and with you psychologically. They are really like in the minds of the people who are missing them. This person is, you know, still thinking about them. You are missing who they were, even though they are physically absent. And there are a lot of different examples of this, right? So if you think of someone in your life that might be

physically absent, but that you still are very much like yearning for a relationship with or missing. This is that type of ambiguous loss. I think estrangement really falls under this umbrella for a lot of people. They may not have that person physically in their life, but maybe they're missing who they thought that person could be, who they wish they were, who this person never became, and even though they are physically missing, the missing of this person is still very much present in their lives. Some other examples of this might be grief over soldiers missing in action, which I mentioned was the focus of Pauline Boss's research, a child who has run away or been abducted, a loved one whose body was never recovered, or who you don't know how they

passed or what has happened to them or if they have passed. We can also think about this in the context of breakups, of family members that we no longer speak to. And really at the core of this ambiguous loss is a lack of clarity about what ended the relationship and this feeling of like they're walking around the world, you know, but I don't know what's going on with them or I don't know even where they are at this time. And the second type is physically present, but emotionally absent. So let's talk about what that looks like. This type of ambiguous loss occurs when a person is there physically with you, but they are not emotionally or mentally there. So a perfect example of this might be a loved one who has Alzheimer's or some other type of illness that makes it difficult for

them to interact with you cognitively or emotionally in the way that they used to. Many people who have loved ones, parents, grandparents, siblings who are ill, even those who are dealing with a mental health crisis or issue or an addiction issue, struggle with this. Because maybe that person is around. They see their body. They know what they're doing. A person could be sitting on the couch, but that person that you knew is not there anymore. They are not inside of that person and you're not able to interact with them in the same way. And so they're not dead. They're not gone, but they're not the same. They're still missing from your life in a really profound and painful way. And so this can also be found in relationships where maybe you have a parent who is

very emotionally absent or emotionally detached from you. Maybe they're very focused on things outside of you and you wish that they could be more attentive, that they could be more connected to you. People can feel this with spouses, parents, siblings. And so you're with this person and you're sitting with them and maybe you're spending holidays or time with them, but you're always feeling like there's something missing that you can't really put your finger on. There's something different about this relationship that doesn't allow you to feel really close and emotionally bonded with them. So when we talk about ambiguous loss, there are a few topics that seem to come up often for me when I'm talking to clients or when I'm receiving messages from

you all on Instagram and through email. And those are things like estrangement, divorce, addiction, chronic illness, mental health issues. All of these things can leave family members feeling like they are grieving someone who is still very much alive. And the feelings of grief and loss are just as strong, but often less socially acceptable. People typically don't know how to handle this type of grief because it's not a typical death. There's a stigma associated with these types of losses or they somehow feel less final. And I think sometimes that people will respond to you in this way, right? Like if you're talking about your father who has Alzheimer's, who you're not able to connect with, and somebody has a father who is not

alive, they might be inclined to say, well, at least you still have your dad. At least you can still spend time with him. And there's sort of this belief that if someone's heart is still beating and they're alive, that it can't feel as painful as that person being dead. And I think that this is in the eye of the beholder because sometimes that finality of death actually gives you some peace and some freedom and the ability to move forward. And when you are in this limbo of this ambiguous type of loss, it can be a very painful and for some people in some situations, more painful type of grief than if they were to have that finality and to really lose that person. So let's talk about how you grieve the loss of someone who is still alive.

If you're listening to this and you or someone that you love and care about is grieving someone who is in one of these situations, you know, they are mentally or physically ill. They are losing their ability to speak or to interact with you. emotionally distant, estranged, divorce, breaking up, they're missing, whatever it is. These are some things that you can do to help you with this. So the first thing is to give yourself permission to recognize that this is a loss that you're allowed to grieve. If someone close to you is no longer who they were or they're gone or you don't know

where they are or that version of them might not come back or you're not sure if and when it will, you're allowed to grieve that loss. Death is not the only type of loss that includes grief in this way. And sometimes you are losing someone slowly and in stages with this type of loss instead of them just being gone in an instant. Number two, you're allowed to miss the old them. Even if what is happening isn't their faults, even if they are deteriorating because of something largely out of their control, like an illness like Alzheimer's, even if there's nothing you can do to fix or change that, it's a change and it hurts and it's okay to be upset about that.

It's okay to talk to people about that. It's okay to have these mixed emotions of like, I'm grateful that my parent is still here, but now they are largely dependent on me or my siblings to care for them. They're frustrated. They can't have a relationship with me. It's feeling now like I am the parent and the caregiver and they are my child. We're in this flipped role. And even though I still have them here, I feel very sad about that. It is okay to miss that version of them, to talk about it, and to grieve the loss of that version of them. Number three is surrender to the fact that you cannot save everyone. And this applies more if you have a family member who is dealing with a mental health issue, addiction, they are emotionally distant, they are not able to pay attention to you, they have abandoned you. You can model healthy boundaries and behavior. You can extend care and love. You can help

them within your limits. You can help them access different types of care. And you may not be able to save or fix everyone around you. And there is some additional grief and some different grief involved in that when it is a situation where you feel like this person's life could be different and they could come back to you if they got help or if they changed or if they did something different and you feel a responsibility to help them do that and you're not able to do it. And that is extremely painful and it can feel wrong to give up on them or to say I can't help you with that. Number four is find people who get it.

And this is honestly why we started the Calling Home community because there are so many people in this world and meet with them all the time. And I wanted them to be able to meet each other who know what it's like to watch someone deteriorate mentally or physically in front of them or both. And there are people who know what it's like to have a family member out there in the world

that they don't know, they can't help, they can't save, or that they can't have a relationship with anymore. And talking to those people and being around them is a really profound and integral part of dealing with something like this. Number five, tell yourself as often as you can. This is not my fault. This is hard. I'm allowed to be sad. I'm doing what I can. You are probably doing your best in this situation. You're probably providing the care that you can provide. You are trying to help them get back to that version of themselves or you are walking them through this scary time when you know that that version of them is not coming back. And really giving yourself credit that this is always like uncharted territory for you

and for your family members and your loved ones. And when you're going through something that is this emotionally taxing and also logistically difficult, you have to cut yourself some slack and remember that you are not going to be able to do every step right every day. And this probably is not your fault. There is no handbook for dealing with this stage of life or this particular situation that you're in. Number six, remember that this is hard and nothing is permanent. I always like to remind people that you're going to get better at handling the situation or the situation will get better. It will not stay like this forever. Life by nature, by definition, it has to change. It's always in flux and either you are going to change, they are going to change

or the situation is going to change. It won't always be like this. That doesn't mean that it's always going to get easier or better, but knowing that whatever is going on right now is not fixed or static can often be helpful that you are going to get moments of relief or change and things are constantly in flux and they are dynamic. Number seven, if there are good memories of this person, you're allowed to think of them and enjoy them. I know it doesn't change the reality, but those memories are still real. You are allowed to remember your child who is struggling with addiction as a young adult as a happy child and moments that you shared together. You are allowed to remember your parent before they got sick. You are allowed to laugh at

those stories, to think about them, to engage with that part. And often when you do that, that is a really important part of grieving, right? It can help you stay connected to what you love about this person and why you're grieving. You're grieving because there was something good there or there was the hope that it could be good. And I know that that can be really painful and you might be trying to like shy away from that, but it's also an important part of this type of loss and of grief in general. And the last way you can grieve that someone is alive. And the thing I want to remind you of is to be flexible and open to having a different type of relationship with this person when possible, if possible, and when you're ready. So when someone is going through a crisis, when they're having a

mental health issue, when they're having a substance use issue, when they have an illness, your type of relationship with them will probably have to shift and change. And there's grief involved in that. But can you develop a way of having a relationship with this person that feels good and authentic to both of you? And in a way that still keeps you connected to this person while things are in motion. And for some of you listening, that might not be possible. The ambiguous loss that you're feeling might be rooted in the fact that you've had to become estranged from someone that was continuously being abusive or toxic with you and the relationship has become largely unsustainable. And when that happens, part of the ambiguous loss is

realizing, like, right now I can't be open to a relationship with them because of the way things are right now. And so I can get some closure out of that, knowing that like this is a choice I'm making because of the way things are right now. And I know that if and when they ever change, I can revisit this. But for right now, this is where I have to be. I really appreciate this definition that I found when I was researching for this episode. And it's a definition of grief from the grief recovery handbook. And it says, grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. And you'll notice that in that definition,

the change of a familiar pattern and behavior can mean that someone is no longer who they are, that they're missing and we don't know where they are, that we don't know when they're going to come back to us, or if they ever will, that our role in the relationship has changed with them. And all of these things fall under the umbrella of grief. And so even if people don't understand it, if they don't think that this type of loss

is the equivalent of a death, I want you to know that it is. And sometimes it can be worse in some situations and you have every right to think about and grieve this in the way that feels most salient and helpful for you. I hope that this episode helps you work through any ambiguous loss that you might be feeling, any grief that you have that feels like it doesn't have closure or an end to it. And if you'd like any other resources on this, please do not hesitate to visit callinghome.com. We have a free newsletter that goes out on the first Tuesday of every month. So there will be a new free email newsletter going out on Tuesday, February 6th. You can sign up for that on our website. And then we also have membership options so you can access

groups of other family cycle breakers like you, many of which are going through their own forms of ambiguous loss as they navigate building new family relationships and ending old patterns of dysfunction in their family. Thank you all so much for being here for another solo episode of The Calling Home podcast. I will be back next week with an interview with with Lawrence Steinberg, and we will be talking all about relationships between adult children and their parents. And then we have two more solo episodes this month about accepting your parents, and on February 20th, I will have an episode with Minna B, and we will be talking about accepting your parents and really getting her take on these types of family relationships

between adult children and their parents. I'm really excited for you to hear that one as well. I hope to see you all in the Family Cycle Breakers Club at callinghome.com, and I'll see you again next week.