CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Are Therapists Encouraging Estrangement?

Episode Date: October 30, 2025

Whitney tackles an increasingly persistent narrative about family estrangement: therapists are encouraging people to cut ties from their families. Drawing from hundreds of responses from her audience���including adult children and estranged parents—she examines what actually happens in therapy rooms and whether the notion of a "secret underground movement" of therapists pushing estrangement holds up to scrutiny. She also answers a listener question about breaking cycles of reconciliation and abuse with a verbally abusive parent. Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles. Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466Join the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠ Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhit Follow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft ⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic Positivity Learn more about ad choices. Visit podcast.choices.com/adchoices This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. 00:00 Are therapists encouraging estrangement? 02:22 The origins of this question and why it matters 05:58 What actually happens in therapy rooms 14:45 The difference between support and persuasion 29:19 Criticisms of therapists 39:31 Listener question: Breaking the cycle with a verbally abusive parent Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Way better. Save on insurance by switching to Bel Air Direct and use the money to fix your car. Bell Air Direct, insurance, simplified. Conditions apply. Hello, everyone. All right. Buckle off, because today we have got a big question to answer on the podcast. Are therapists encouraging estrangement?

I'm Whitney Goodman. welcome to the show. Every time I do a media interview, I get asked the same question. This has been happening more and more lately. Are therapists encouraging people to become estranged from their families? And it's usually said in this way, like, there's this secret underground movement of therapists out there that are convincing people to cut off their parents. But in the thousands of stories that I have heard from adults who are estranged. It's just not what I'm seeing. If anything, I hear the complete opposite. I do hear people saying, you know, that their therapist is telling them, you only get one mom or you should try harder and they're switching therapists

because of this. So today I want to look at this question, honestly. And I think this is probably like the only time that I'm going to really dive into this because I'm very tired of this narrative. I am, it's almost as if there's like bots coming on my page every day and be like, you're part of the problem. Therapists are doing this. It's a trend. Like the rhetoric has become so consistent and like manualized at this point that we're just going to talk about it today. And then this is the episode that I'm going to refer people back to.

every time this question is asked. And if my opinion or my thoughts ever changed on this, which they inevitably probably will, I will let you know. So let's talk about this. Are therapists encouraging estrangement, or are we finally naming what healthy family relationships look like? And why does simply describing healthy functional family relationships sometimes feel like rebellion or rejection or brainwashing. I'm going to break down this issue and then at the end we will get to a caller question. First, let's dive into the origins of this question. When reporters ask me about the quote unquote estrangement epidemic, they often want

a clear villain, right? And these are the potential villains. social media, therapy culture, individualism, crazy adult children. Those are the potential ones, okay? But this question of our therapists encouraging it actually tells me something a little bit deeper. I think that it tells me that the idea of people setting boundaries with family and even leaving unsafe relationships is still controversial. It's still something that we think we should not do unless things have gotten so, so bad that it is our absolute last option, right? And people

used to feel this way about marriages. Some people still feel that way about marriages, but this belief has held on very strongly when it comes to family relationships. I decided to turn this question back to my audience on social media. And I asked people to tell me what their therapist actually said about estrangement. And the stories that I received were eye-opening. And you're going to hear some of those exact quotes in this episode. As I was crafting this episode, I included 56 different stories to draw from. And I'll be reading you exact quotes from some of them. but I did receive hundreds of messages from parents, adult children, and therapists that were very interesting. I want to note that a lot of the messages that I received probably just as a

result of my audience were from adults who have been in therapy. And I did receive some comments and messages, probably about 10 to 15 from estranged parents who felt that their child's therapist had turned them against them. And I also received. got a few messages of there are therapists all over this app, encouraging estrangement. I get a lot of those comments. But when I asked them to send me videos or posts, I only had one person put together like a compilation of some videos. And I'll share my thoughts with that as well. I think the hard thing about therapy is that unless you were in the room, you really don't know what was said. And that's why I ask for evidence and not anecdotes like my friend's daughter's

therapist told her to cut off her mom because if these really were therapists whose explicit goal was to cause estrangement, I want to see proof of that. And so far that proof hasn't shown up like in droves. And I think it's so interesting and actually concerning to me that their entire books being written about estrangement, typically by parents, about this epidemic being caused by therapists and especially therapists on social media. Yet they're not showing any of the evidence of these therapists. So if it is obvious and if it's happening everywhere, why not quote the posts or the videos. Why not show them? And there should be a lot of them if that's what's happening. The other thing that's tricky here is that if you've never been to therapy, you might

not totally understand what happens in these rooms. And over and over, people sent me stories that I think actually described giving a person agency, not persuasion. Their therapists weren't telling them to cut off their family. They were teaching them to think clearly and how to decide what kind of contact they could live with. And this is therapy. This is it doing its job, right? Here's a couple of things that people said to me. From someone who's done to therapy, it was my choice and my conclusion. My therapist never tells me what I need to do. another person said mine encouraged me to maintain a relationship with my mom but with boundaries it took a few years but it's working for both of us now and another person said my therapist never said to stop talking to them she just helped me figure out what i could handle boundaries availability expectations that was the work when someone comes to therapy, they typically tell the therapist what they are hoping to work on

or how they would like to feel if therapy is successful. If they don't know what they would like to work on or can't identify it, the therapist may look at the symptoms or difficulties they're experiencing in their life to try to set some goals, right? the goal wouldn't be cut your mom out of your life unless the client is coming in and saying something like I've tried everything with my mom and I still feel like we cannot have a relationship in that case the therapist would still likely explore everything you've tried what went wrong and see if other things could be done it would make absolutely no sense

for a therapist to advise estrangement without there being evidence that it was necessary. And the ethics of this that are taught to therapists are first to explore context. And understanding the past isn't about blame. It's about seeing what forces have contributed to the present, including what you are doing as the adult, to name harm. So if there's abuse, neglect, or danger, we need to say it. therapist and support autonomy. The client ultimately is the leader here, not the therapist. Most of the stories that you sent described a therapist who did exactly what we're trained to do, right? This other person said, my therapist told me it wasn't her job to tell me what to do.

She just helped me see every option. And this includes the therapist holding space, giving people the container to talk in, providing reflection, and supporting client-led decisions. Another person messaged me saying, over 30 years of therapy with four different people, never once did anyone recommend estrangement? When I finally brought it up, we explored every other option first. I think good therapy is really flexible, and this commenter said, my therapist is the reason I'm not as strange, she helped me find a superficial relationship that works. When the therapist can be flexible and allow the client to lead and allow the goals to change over time, you're recognizing that relationships can change. It can be full contact,

low contact, temporary breaks. Like, we can talk about all of this and do it without judgment or prescribing what we think is the right thing. Now, it would be wrong of me to not acknowledge that therapy goes wrong. Not every therapist is good. Not every therapist is practicing ethically. And not every story I received was positive. I think some people felt dismissed or pushed too quickly towards distance. This was a parent that sent me this, that they may not encourage, but they certainly

don't discourage. The weekly bashing of parents feeds the child's bias. my daughter's therapist supported her decision to cut contact without any attempt at reconciliation. Okay. The one thing I do want to point out here is that if you're a parent, you do not know that. You do not know that your daughter's therapist supported her decision without any attempts to talk about anything else because you only know what you are either being told or what you are assuming. There's no other way to assess what went on in that room, right? And I think that sometimes when we're talking about the past and about childhood, that can really feel like parent bashing to parents.

But that's not what is actually happening in the room. Another person said, I ran to therapy for help with my chaotic family and I got told, just leave them. I needed support, not abandonment. While these stories were very much in the minority, these were the only two like this that I received or that I saw before writing this episode. it can alienate a client to push them towards distance too quickly, even if the therapist thinks that it's the safest, healthiest option. And I do want to spend a moment on this idea, right? Because we have to give people the space to talk about their families, to kind of waffle on relationships, to feel like maybe they want to stay, maybe they want to go. And this is part of

being a therapist is learning to tolerate our client's ambivalence. And I know myself and many other therapists can think of a time where they got to a point where they just wanted to like grab a client's shoulders, shake them and be like, this is hurting you. You are miserable. Why do you keep doing this? But we can't do that because it doesn't work, right? We need to give people the time to move through these processes in a way that makes sense for them. And there's a huge difference between a client that comes to you and says, I've been working on this relationship with my parent for 30 years. I've been to multiple therapists. I've read a million books. I've tried family therapy. I've tried boundaries. I've done all these things. And a client

comes to you and says, I think my relationship with my mom is not that great. And they have not explored that. Those need different approaches. And there's a sea of gray. in between. Okay. I also want to mention that a lot of people, I would say probably the majority of people that go to therapy talk about their parents and the past, but they do not all become estranged. So saying giving people a space to talk about their parents doesn't automatically mean that that is what's leading to estrangement. There's also a lot in this debate that gets mistaken for encouragement. So when people say that a therapist encouraged estrangement, it often means something else. And it often means that the therapist pointed out a painful truth.

And this is what this person said in a message to me. You've opened up the conversation and made people aware estrangement can be the healthiest choice in some cases. But it would be an overreach to say you encourage it. I think that sometimes an adult just hearing you deserve to be treated with respect or that behavior is emotionally abusive, that can feel like a radical suggestion in families that don't talk about their pain and to the person that is being challenged or that is hearing that being said about them, it can feel like betrayal or like you're encouraging someone to leave that relationship. But pointing out that a behavior fits the criteria for abuse

or saying, hey, every time you see your mom, you seem to have panic attacks. Like, what's that about? That's not encouraging estrangement. One listener wrote to me, you know, my father said that my therapist brainwashed me. And we hear this a lot, right? And so telling someone that they don't deserve to be treated poorly is not encouraging estrangement. The other person, could choose to treat them better to remain in that relationship. And sometimes the only choice we're given is estrangement or continue being abused. I also want to note that therapists are guided by these foundational ethical principles for their license.

And I'm a licensed marriage and family therapists in the state of Florida, but you can find these types of ethical principles I believe in most like the counseling association, the psychological association, that apply to other. licenses. The first one is to do no harm. So a therapist must avoid actions that could further harm a client. Encouraging or supporting a client to remain in a situation that poses emotional, physical, or psychological danger violates this principle. A lot of people have said, you know, that it's unethical for therapists to talk about estrangement online. It's literally the opposite. If we were coming on every day and saying, you need to stay in a relationship with your family member, no matter what, no matter how they treat you, that would actually be unethical, according to the ethical guidelines that I am supposed to follow as a therapist.

Therapists are also supposed to promote well-being. So they're obligated to act in the client's best interest, which includes helping them move toward safety and health. And sometimes that means helping them move away from relationships that are hurting them. other ethical guideline is autonomy. So clients must make their own decisions. Therapists should ensure those decisions are informed and not made under coercion or manipulation. Right. And so if a therapist helps maintain an abusive relationship, let's say by downplaying the abuse, focusing on the abusers' intentions, prioritizing family unity over safety, that violates all three of these principles. And ethically, when a client discloses abuse, a therapist needs to do a couple of

things. They need to assess for immediate safety and risk. So they need to check who's in the house. Are there children there? Are there elderly people? Is it domestic violence? Is this financial abuse? Is there a neglect? Like, we have to do an assessment. Then we have to validate the reality of the abuse instead of minimizing it because we know what the client is telling us. And if they are reporting things that sound like abuse, we need to say that sounds like abuse because the worst thing you can do to someone who has experienced abuse is say, are you sure that's what happened? Did they mean that and really like question it?

So we need to lead with positive intent there. And then we also have to provide resources and safety planning or referrals to specialists in the area that can help with whatever type of abuse or potential violence or risk to their life that this person is facing. Failing to do this or encouraging continued exposure to this can constitute negligence or ethical misconduct under most licensing boards. And when a therapist is ethically supporting a client that is in a dangerous or harmful situation, they're talking about things like why you feel ambivalent about leaving. What is hard about leaving? Why do you want to stay? What is keeping you in this relationship?

What emotional, financial, or other types of logistical barriers exist? And how can we increase safety, empowerment, or access to support, even if you are still in this relationship. And the other thing I want to say is, you know, a lot of people will push back on this and say, well, it's not an abusive relationship, especially a parent might say this. It's not abusive. They're saying they're being abused, but they weren't being abused. I will be very hard pressed to find anyone out there who is abusive, who comes out and says,

I'm an abuser. I abuse my kids. I abuse my wife. I've talked about this before that in most situations, you know, I'm not. Abusive parents deny that they were abusive on a couple of grounds. They're either doing that because it will help them avoid legal prosecution, so they don't want to admit it because they're involved in a court case and their lawyer is telling them not to, or they really feel like what they were doing was justified.

It was in the best interest of the child. I locked them in that room for 12 hours a day to keep them safe because if they got out, they were getting hurt. Like, we hear these stories all the time. you're not really finding an abusive parent that comes forward and says, yes, I abused my child. That typically takes years of work, of accountability, work, and recognition to get to that place. So this idea that if you say as a parent, I didn't abuse my child, that that somehow totally negates what the child is saying is just not rooted in the reality of how abusive relationships work, whether that's between family members, and children, or couples and romantic relationships.

I think we're also seeing a huge shift here of the historical pendulum, and that's why there's a lot of pushback to this idea that we can astrain to ourselves from our parents when needed and necessary, and that's why there's also this desire to point the finger at this sort of like outside nefarious influence like a therapist or social media. I think for decades, even in therapy, the motto was forgive and reconnect. And therapy has leaned that way for decades. I mean, even when I was in grad school, like it was highly controversial to talk about cutting off family.

And I had someone message me saying, I've never had a therapist tell me to stop talking to them, quite the opposite. it's always been, but their family. And another person said, one therapist told me to stay because I'll never get another set of parents. I really think, and we see this throughout the literature, that therapy, much like religion, used to treat the family as sacred. We are only now just talking about how we can hold both care and protection at the same

time and safety and family relationships. And when a member of a family chooses to challenge this deeply ingrained belief, it can be very unsettling for the people on the other side. Repeating history isn't always the right choice, though. And sometimes we have to challenge old norms and help families become healthier while living in today's world. And so I know that for some people, they hear the things I'm saying or other therapists are saying. And it's like, you are saying the opposite of what I was told my entire life. And what you're saying sounds mean and abrasive and different. And I get that. But for victims of these systems, I think what therapists are saying sounds liberating and kind and compassionate and finally allows them to free

themselves from the systems that have been hurting them. We can't talk about estrangement, I think, without talking about the individualism debate as well. And one listener who's also a therapist shared a thoughtful critique that was, our broader therapeutic culture has become steeped in individualism. Your peace, your boundaries, your truth, those matter. But when they're the only measure of well-being, we lose sight of connection. And I agree. These solution is not to like swing back to self-sacrifice. We have to find a way, and this is unique in every family situation, to balance personal well-being with relational responsibility, right? And I think healthy therapy helps people differentiate. We have to know where we end and others

begin. And we have to know the value of being able to choose connection and that avoiding relationships and the hard parts of relationships isn't actually going to make us happier. I do think that therapists should be helping their clients assess how they can maintain closeness while also managing their own well-being. And I think the key thing is here is that this is possible in some relationships and not possible in others. And we have to remember that that when people get to this place of saying, I can't have this relationship, oftentimes it's because they have tried to hold those relationships and their well-being together. And it's just like, I can't.

My well-being gets totally destroyed when I'm in relationship with this person. It's not like we have these little moments and we repair and everything's fine. It's this complete destruction of me, my work, my other relationships in my life and the things that matter to me. Now let's talk about social media and therapists on social media. I received an interesting kind of breakdown of what estranged parents, and I saw a lot of support from estranged parents on this thread, kind of like what they believe is happening online. And I want to talk about the claims that were being discussed among this group and kind of give

my take on them. So one of them is that statements are just being made online by therapists and that there are statements that are being framed as obvious or already accepted fact to bypass any discussion or challenge. And there is like this implicit assumption that if we present the information of like five reasons your parent is a narcissist, that the listener will accept the piece of information without question, even if it's debatable or untrue. And this is an issue on social media at large, right? I think this is how all videos are being done today, news, health and wellness, anything, right?

We have to be extremely discerning about what is being said, who is saying it, and if it applies to their life. And something I thought was so interesting here is that in this discussion of this, like, there was this. like there was this statement that Mel Robbins or Dr. Phil should kind of teach us therapists a thing or two about estrangement. And guys, they're all doing the same thing. Like anybody out there who is creating content, um, who has a widely popular like podcast or anything is typically using the words. Like this means this because I know as a content creator in this space that if I add any nuance to things, which I tend to do, and that's why things don't blow up, like if you say this might be a reason for this, it does not get as much traction.

It doesn't go as far. People are incentivized online to make these types of claims, like to state things as fact that is not being challenged. And so this is also why I really don't think kids and teens should be consuming social media content, period. And therapists do need to be cautious about this and use words like if, maybe, might, consider, et cetera, rather than presenting things as 100% true for everyone. And consumers also need to be more discerning and look at things and be like, that's not true for my situation. It doesn't apply. I'm going to move on. And I'm not going to follow this person

or listen to their advice. And that happens to me all the time when I see things that I'm like, this is dumb. This doesn't apply to me. There's also the claim that therapists exclude parents from the conversation and label them and that they're being labeled as emotionally immature, narcissistic without their input. And I think a lot of the parents were referring back to something that's called the Goldwater Rule. And that is like an ethical guideline for psychiatrists. It doesn't apply to therapists or at least not my license as a licensed marriage and family therapist. But this rule prohibits psychiatrists from diagnosing public figures that they have not personally examined.

And while LMFTs, like myself, do not have a specific like Goldwater rule, they are bound by their own ethical standards to take care when making public statements. And generally, you know, they're restricted from disclosing client information without consent, right? You have to protect client confidentiality and there's careful consideration before making like public professional recommendations. But the tricky part here is that emotionally immature and even saying like someone is narcissistic are not diagnoses.

So if someone posts four signs your mom is a narcissist and someone reads that list and applies it to their mother and says, this sounds like my mom, the therapist is not diagnosing your mother. you are applying a set of criteria that can be found on Google, in books, anywhere, and has been able to be found for decades. This is not new. It's just people are presenting it in a new way on social media. If your therapist has never met your mother, but you tell her about your mother and you say

something like, I've never met your mom, so I can't be sure. but the qualities you're describing sound kind of like X. You can read more about that here if you want to. That's not diagnosing your mother. It really, there is a lot of gray area there. And when therapists speak online to general audiences, they're typically engaging in psychoeducation, not diagnosis. And I know how it feels that way, but it's a little bit different.

There's also been quite a bit of criticism around therapists online looking back at childhood and making connections to the present that completely blame the parents. And I'm cautious of this as well. And I think sometimes it's impossible to discuss behavior in the present without looking childhood. And there does need to be a balance between the two and integrate a multitude of factors, right? there's also quite a bit of criticism of therapists who use dramatizations or humor to portray parents as emotionally abusive or foolish or dumb and I don't do this type of content it doesn't come naturally to me I don't love it but I'm sure there's content that I do that other therapists don't love to I I'm not sure that I find that type of content to be like super productive

in the space, and I could see why parents, you know, don't like it and it makes them feel bad. There was also criticism in this video that I was tagged in about therapists endorsing no contact is a valid and healthy option. And there's just no data that we have that therapists or online education contact are causing estrangement. And the thing is, is that the recommendation to become estranged can be clinically appropriate in certain contexts. it can be the ethical and appropriate thing to do. I do think that we see some data, particularly in the area of like ADHD and autism diagnosis and neurodivergence, where there are mixed effects, right?

And we have to be honest that social media contact can impact people. It can cause them to change their minds. It can influence people. We have to be extremely discerning about this content. People also may just gain language for emotional. awareness, but not necessarily act on it without prior dissatisfaction or trauma. And I've talked about this before, that it is very difficult to imagine because I have not seen it, that there is this large population of adults who otherwise have completely healthy and stable relationships

with their parents who see TikTok content or content anywhere online and say, you know what, my relationship with my parent is really good. I love them. I feel close and connected to them. we have a good relationship, but this therapist here that I've never met is telling me that I should cut them off, so I think I'm going to do it. I'm not buying that. I think that yes, there is influence when you already have some doubts and concerns and you're really not sure what to do. And then people start to engage with this content and they see more of it and maybe they become more aware and it starts to feed into that awareness, acceptance, and maybe admission that I'd like to do something different about this.

Now, if therapists are not causing estrangement, why are people blaming therapists? Why do families look at therapists as being the potential cause? We know that when someone's child cuts off contact, for the most part, it's devastating. And I think blaming the therapist can feel a lot safer than confronting the hurt or the history in that relationship. Someone message me saying parents will blame everyone for their children finding peace before fixing the relationship.

And I think that there's some truth in that that estrangement upends family hierarchies. There's a lot of grief. And sometimes that leads to accusations. And I think the real fear behind this question, like, it isn't really about therapy. We are witnessing a shift away from unquestioned loyalty. We are no longer defining families or children as good families, good children, when they just learn how to take more and more harm from their parents or their family members. And for families that were really built on a hierarchy, on secrecy, that shift is scary.

It's destabilizing and it feels like betrayal. But I want you to see this not as a betrayal or as a rejection, but as growth. This is part of a really painful process of building relationships built on consent, enjoyment, reciprocity, respect, and not just obligation or fear. So are therapists encouraging estrangement? Let's answer that question again. I think a therapist recommending estrangement happens often in the same way that your cardiologist recommends that you stop smoking. When a relationship is hurting you, hurting your physical health and or your mental

health or other people in your life, like maybe your own children or your spouse, a responsible professional names that harm and helps you navigate it and sometimes helps you protect yourself. That's not destruction. That is care. That is a therapist doing what they are ethically obligated to do. Estrangement is never the goal of therapy. But sometimes it is the outcome when nothing else is possible. And it is a therapist's job to help their clients see things clearly and to present them with options. And then the client gets to make their own choices. And unfortunately, we rarely know what has gone on within the walls of that therapist office. And because of that, that can be scary. It's also a very easy place to lay blame because

people can't really question it. You can say, well, their therapist turned them against me. And it's like, okay, how am I going to ask you to prove that? Like, did they tell you that? Were you there when the therapist said, you should become, you know, your kids should become estranged from you, it's very hard to know what's going on. And so that's why whenever people make this claim of like, therapists are encouraging adults to cut off their parents, I'm always like, how are you making that distinction? How did you arrive at that conclusion? And if it is solely based on parents coming to you and saying, after my child went to therapy, they cut me off, that is one of those situations where I would say correlation does not equal causation

because many adults go into therapy already feeling like they have a bad relationship with their parents, they don't like the relationship, they want to be estranged. And so that doesn't mean that we have all these adults with very healthy relationships walking into therapist's office and being brainwashed into thinking that their parents are abusive monsters, who they should cut off. because at the end of the day, what do we get out of that? I know that people say, like, you know, therapists want to make money and, like, they want to separate families so they have clients for life.

Like, estranging someone from their parent doesn't give you, like, a therapy client for life. I also want you guys to note that, like, the average therapist makes, like, $40,000 a year or something. They're not, like, a ton of money in this. evil plot to destroy families and separate adults from their parents, it just doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up. And I know that it feels better to blame a third party. And we see this blame being cast at daughters-in-law, at therapists, at social media, at video games,

like anything you can think of rather than us wanting to turn the mirror back on ourselves and say, when did my relationship with my child get like this? Or what is my child looking for that they're not able to get for me? Why might they be going into a therapist office struggling in their relationship with me? And I know I'm going to end, you know, with this caveat here that, of course, they're a bad therapist. Same as they're bad doctors, bad lawyers, all of that. There are people that do manipulative, like nefarious things. And again, if that's the case, I hope that you'll go and listen to the podcast episode that I did about is parenting forever that came out last week because I think that that will, there's a part in there about like if a third party actually

truly has influenced your child, how you can engage with them. But we have to think about the reality that you've spent a lifetime knowing this person, this child of yours. And you are saying, you are proposing that your child is seeing a therapist. Oftentimes, you know, you're reporting that they had like five or six sessions. That means about five or six hours in the course of this adult's lifetime that they have spent with this therapist potentially at the most like once a week, max, max, maybe twice a week. And in that time, they have been able to erase every single thing that you built with them, that you did for them, the relationship that you established.

Like, is that, is that likely? Is that plausible? Is that the most likely explanation for what has gone wrong in your relationship? Now let's go ahead and get to the caller question portion of our episode. And I'm going to read you today's question. it was sent to me via email. And as always, remember that you can send me a voice note or a question to my email, Whitney at callinghome.c.O.

And I might pick your question to answer live on the show. Here is today's question. My mother is verbally abusive, and I have stepped away from communicating with her in the past couple years, and it has helped my mental health greatly. When we break communication, it's because there is a crisis going on, and this brings some confusion that we have begun speaking again. I honestly can put things aside if she has truly changed and will not put me down and insult me or blame slash guilt me for the situation.

Me ignoring her after she reaches out with a video makes her even more angry. She just cannot have a normal conversation without telling me I'm abusing her. So there is this cycle of insults and condemnation than afforded video from her and then harsh word sometime later. Is there a way to break this cycle or a way for her to understand that I will not tolerate this that has worked? Okay, so we've been talking about health and disability and end-of-life care for the entire month of October at Calling Home. And this is something that we discussed. You know, when a person uses like a crisis or a health issue as a way to kind of get back into your life and act like things are normal again. And so if you can relate to this question, that content

might be helpful for you. But it sounds like this is a little bit of what's going on here. Like there is a crisis. Mom reaches out. You guys have an interaction. And then from there, it slips back into this like, okay, now I'm going to send you like a funny dog video on Instagram or whatever it is and assume that our relationship is okay. And then if I pull away, then you start berating me and being abusive and when we get sort of like locked into this cycle. And I think that this is where you kind of have to step back and be like, okay, this cycle is continuing to repeat itself. This is what my mom does.

I cannot change how my mom is approaching these situations. I have tried to explain it to her. I've tried to tell her that this isn't working for me. I've taken space from her, all of that. If that's all true and you accept that, then how. How would you like to handle this in the future? Do you think that you can continue having these conversations with her when a crisis pops up? Or is entering back into this cycle too damaging or too difficult for you?

Is it too hard for her as well that she doesn't really understand, like, hey, nothing has changed? Do you need to explain that boundary again, perhaps, that like, hey, just because we talked, during this crisis doesn't necessarily mean that I'm ready to go back to acting like everything is normal with you. I just want to remind you like this is how our communication is going to go moving forward. If she doesn't respond well to that, it's very hard to make someone understand why you don't enjoy this cycle when they don't intuitively kind of understand like, hey, this isn't how a relationship works. If you're stuck in, this mode of like ignoring because that's your way of setting a boundary like I'm not going to

engage with this contact and then she isolates and then ultimately gets a response from you. That's also something she's doing because she knows that it works and it's going to be productive. And so I think the cycle has to be disrupted in some way. You're not going to be able to make your mom disrupt that cycle. You can explain it to her and see if she is able to augment her behavior. but judging by all the boundaries you've had to put in place and how this keeps playing out. I don't feel very hopeful about that, but you could certainly try.

And then I think it's worth assessing, like, do I need to have a mediator that helps us during crisis, like a go-between that can help transmit messages? Do I need to, you know, work on my reactivity when she starts talking to me again after that crisis? Are there ways that I can limit her ability to access me? You know, really coming back to like, what can I control in this situation? And I would say a lot of it is how much you communicate, the access to you and the reactions that you have. And the acceptance of like, this is what my mom does when I re-engage with her and when we have contact again. And so am I able to handle how that goes if we're going to have contact in this sort of like situational support way of we connect during

crisis. It's very difficult. But if you can relate to this question or if you are this person that send in this question, I think that you'll really benefit from our October content library that is about illness and crises in dysfunctional families and caregiving and support all that good stuff. And you can join the family cycle breakers club at calling home.com. Thank you for listening to the Calling Home podcast. If this episode helped you see therapy in a new light, share it with someone who's been curious or critical about therapy's role in estrangement. And if you want to go deeper into conversations like this about family repair, boundaries, and healing, join us inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club, our therapist-led community where you practice turning awareness into change. Next month, we will be talking about parentification or what happens when children are given. adult responsibilities too early. If you grew up keeping everyone calm, fixing problems, or taking care of your parents, this month will help you understand that you are never supposed to carry all of that. You can join at www.com callinghome.co. New content and groups for this topic

began on November 3rd, 2025, and I would love to see you there or in a group soon. Thank you again for listening and have a great day. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below. You know, Oh.