CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Can Emotionally Mature Parents Raise Immature Kids?

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

In this solo episode, Whitney responds to the question: can emotionally mature parents still raise emotionally immature adult children? She breaks down the research on emotional transmission from parent to child, examining the roles of modeling, contingency responses, and coaching. Whitney discusses how temperament, bidirectional influence, and developmental timing can complicate outcomes, while providing evidence-based strategies for fostering emotional maturity in yourself and your own (or prospective) children. Have a question for Whitney? Record a voice memo on your phone and email it to [e-mail] Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Join the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠ Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhit Follow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft ⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic Positivity⁠⁠ This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes. Light the path to a brighter future with stellus lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLOR.com. And ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. Hello everyone and welcome back to the Calling Home podcast. I'm your host Whitney Goodman.

Today we're going to be exploring a question that I asked to my followers on TikTok. And that is, can an emotionally mature parent raise a highly emotionally immature child? The reason that I'm bringing up this question is that I find that there are a lot of parents who have difficult strained or completely estranged relationships with their adult children who believe that they are very emotionally regulated, emotionally mature, they did the best that they could, but they have these extremely emotionally immature children. And I want to give the caveat right out the gate here that I am not talking about developmental or intellectual disabilities. I am not talking about people who have an illness or a disability that impedes their cognitive

functioning. We are not talking about autism or schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. I am talking about parents who feel that they have otherwise neurotypical children who instead are being described as lacking empathy. They don't know how to handle life. They're entitled, these types of words, right? And I want to explore how parents influence the emotional maturity of their children. Now, the other caveat here is to say that, of course, there's some nature involved in this. And there are personality differences, temperament differences, neurological differences, genetic differences, that are going to cause people to struggle in different areas of life. And when we're talking about emotional immaturity, we're not talking about someone

having a bad time or a hard time when they're going through something stressful. I'm talking about a more pervasive pattern where this adult is unable to handle difficult tasks. They struggle with empathy. They struggle with accountability and acknowledging their mistakes. They have trouble understanding the emotional world of others and of themselves. They're highly reactive and can become even abusive or very demeaning and cruel in moments where they are reactive. And so much in the same way that we look at emotionally immature parents, I think it's worth exploring how did those emotionally immature parents come to be? Was there anything that happened in their upbringing that could have contributed to that and could help us stop this from happening in

generations again? I also want to note that in this episode, I am talking about adult children. I am not talking about children. A lot of people left comments on my videos about how they have one child that struggles way more with their moods, but they're a teenager, they have a kid that has ADHD. I am talking about adults. And so I'm thinking about those adults that parents are describing as not being able to handle life. And how did they get this way? Can a very emotionally mature, regulated parent raise an emotionally immature adult? So we know from the research on emotions that emotionally mature parents generally foster better emotional regulation, empathy, and accountability in their children through secure attachment and supportive emotion socialization

practices. But those outcomes are also dependent on things like temperament, their development, and this is key, that complex bi-directional nature of the parent-child relationship. And we were talking about this in one of our groups the other day for adult children of emotionally immature parents that, yes, your parent is influencing you, but you're also influencing them. And that is why it's so important for them to have the skills and the resources and tools to be able to manage and sort of hold space for that influence. So the first thing that we know about developing emotional maturity in children is that attachment is extremely important.

When a parent is able to establish secure attachment with their child, so their child knows that they can rely on them, that they're going to come back, that they're dependable, this provides the foundation where emotional regulation can develop in that relationship. And this allows the child to internalize the emotion regulation strategies that their parent is using and apply them in other social situations. And this is why you'll hear a lot of parenting experts and parenting advice, you know, say it's not about what you say. It's about what you do because your kid is often watching how you handle certain situations and they're using that like osmosis and watching that. to give them a blueprint for what they are going to do later.

We also see that there's a really good positive correlation between early attachment safety and emotional regulation. So again, the more safe and secure that attachment to the parent, the more the child is able to regulate their emotions. And of course, this depends on the child's age, their developmental status, and other factors in their life if they're dealing with any illnesses, et cetera. It's not just like kids move on this perfect linear path through the development of emotional regulation. We also know that emotion

socialization matters. So when kids are given environments where they can have supportive emotion socialization, this is associated with better child emotion regulation and unsupportive emotion socialization is associated with poor child's emotion regulation. And parents who adequately self-regulate their own emotions are more capable of helping their children regulate their own emotions. So again, we can see here how there is that modeling and how helpful that can be. There's also very strong evidence for the hypothesis that empathy and emotion regulation are related. And so when someone is able to show empathy to the child, the child is then able to learn that

skill and show it in more complex scenarios and relationships. There is a quote that I found in the research that I was doing that says the development of adaptive emotion regulation during early childhood. occurs largely within the context of a supportive caregiver child relationship. And so this means that the attachment, the foundational relationship, the closeness between parent and child, and that safety is really where we start to see emotion regulation start to happen and that skills start to be learned by the child. Now let's talk about how emotional transmission works. And there are three primary mechanisms

of parent-to-child emotional transmission. The first one is through modeling. So we talked about this a little bit before, where children observe and internalize their parental emotional responses. And then there's contingency and coaching. So contingency is that second mechanism. These are the parental reactions. So how a parent responds to a child's emotions will shape their future emotional

emotional expression. So this is something I want you to think about. If you think about some emotions that you might have had as a child, being afraid, being happy, feeling sad, feeling angry, what types of reactions did those emotions get in your home? And if we look at this as like a feedback loop and you know that when I get angry, I get yelled at, I get insulted. I get insulted. or I get locked in my room, you might then start to extinguish that feeling of anger of I don't want to get angry around my parents anymore. Or maybe let's say anger gets ignored until it is like a 10 out of 10. But when you get it to that high level, you notice that someone finally starts paying attention. And so instead, you start to act out more and get more angry. And these are simplistic

versions, but this is something that you can think about and explore is like how were the responses to certain types of feelings in your home? In one study, and I will put all of the studies in the show notes of this episode, but in one study, maternal negative reactions and negative emotion regulation was positively, statistically, significantly correlated to a child's adjustment problems. So the more negative reactions and negative emotion regulation that mothers had, that was correlated to an increase in the child's adjustment problems. The third mechanism is coaching and direct teaching. So this is when we're thinking about active instruction in emotional understanding and regulation strategies. So teaching kids how to feel their feelings, label them, know what it feels like in their

when something is going on. There's also a lot of research on the importance here of acceptance of emotions and validation of a child's emotions and how that direct type of teaching can help in a huge way. There was a study done of 247 Portuguese mothers and it found that when mothers had constructive reactions and positive, so skilled emotion regulation, their kids had a much better positive adjustment. So they were more positively adjusted when their mothers were able to do this. Okay, so up to this point, I've made it seem like it's pretty black and white. Like parents can just do these things and they will get an emotionally mature child.

But there are some counterintuitive findings in the research. And there are reasons why an emotionally mature parent doesn't get the outcomes that they expected. And a child's temperament is a factor. It is a moderator here. So individual differences in children's emotional reactivity can override parental influence. And something I've seen anecdotally here is particularly when you have multiple children with different temperaments and different personalities, there might be one child that the parent connects with more easily, right? And they are able to parent that child. They're able to influence them more. They know what to do with this child because they've seen it before or they can relate to that child or just

the typical parenting strategies at the time work with that kid. So then they start to try to use those strategies on another child in the family. And that doesn't work because that child has a different temperament and a different personality. And instead of maybe trying to adjust getting new skills, new resources, bringing in outside help, that parent deems that the child is bad and a problem and there's nothing they can do about it and they sort of give up. There's also the idea that there are some kids that are just not going to respond to things for a very long time. It may seem like it's getting worse before it's getting better. And so the parents struggle. And this is where we have like, again, that give and take happening

between parents, that dual influence that we talked about, that it can be very, very hard to be a parent to certain children. Parenting is hard, but it's still the parents' job to try to figure that out. But again, the child's temperament and personality is a mediator here for how much influence parents can have over their child's emotional maturity. The second finding here we just talked about a little bit is that bidirectional influence. And so children also influence their parents' emotional responses and we know that certain types of kids are going to evoke certain responses in certain parents, right? And I think the more emotionally regulated, insightful and aware the parent, the more they're going to be able to see their child's behavior for what it is. But if you haven't

worked on yourself that much, if you're not really aware of what's triggering you, you again can get influenced by your child in certain ways that you are not recognizing. And this is why I think emotional maturity is about so much more than just being well regulated all the time. It's about having the ability to listen and learn about someone else's experience and acknowledge that you may not have all the answers. And you might have to look a little deeper or learn more about why that child is acting the way they are and why you're being. so triggered by what's happening with them. The other thing that we see in the research on this is that developmental timing matters.

And maternal anxiety has been identified as a key predictor of later adjustment issues or later school adjustment and also anxiety in the child. And the timing of parental emotional maturity may be as important as its presence. So the parent being able to show up consistently in that way and also during key developmental stages of that child. And we all know that life is unpredictable. There could be a situation where one of the parents is very sick. And the family is having financial issues. One of the parents can't work. They are stretched thin. They don't have child care. And let's be honest, no one, including myself, is feeling emotionally mature 100% of the time during those types of

situations. And if in that moment, the child is going through some really difficult developmental stages or they're struggling, it's possible that the timing is not going to be great there. And I don't say all of this to tell you that, like, after this happens, there is no return. Because that's not true. Because we know that the number one most important, important quality of being emotionally mature is the ability to be accountable, apologize, and recognize what you've done, and repair. And so if you are truly being raised by an adult that has emotional maturity, they will be able to do those things. And they will ultimately, most of the time, I think, be able to make up for and rectify what has been done.

I want to talk about some real-world applications, some practical things that you can do and give you a couple of evidence-based strategies if you are a parent or you're someone that's looking to be more emotionally mature and you want to say that your kids were raised by an emotionally mature adult. If you do not have children or you're thinking about this from the perspective of like, well, where my parents emotionally mature, you can think about if they've used any of these strategies. Try to focus on your own emotional regulation first. So parents that are able to adequately self-regulate their emotions are much better at helping their children regulate their own emotions. So try to develop your own emotion regulation outside of your parenting. Practice this

in a bunch of other areas so that you are well equipped when these moments come up. You also need to work on understanding your unique child's emotional profile. So you can try to figure out your child's specific temperament, their emotional needs, I know this is hard. I have multiple kids and it is difficult to really, like, it would be nice if we could just copy and paste it across the board, but it doesn't work. I have two kids that are so different. They could not be more different. And I can already see where this is going to go in the future and how I cannot apply the same things to both. I can't already, even at this age. And so really trying to to build strategies that you can utilize with each of your children is helpful. And this is true no matter

how old your kids are. If you're a parent of adults or teens listening to this, you can do this too. And this also shows that you are deeply interested in your child's inner world, who they are as a person, and that you're not trying to just, again, copy and paste and raise them like they are this, like robot. It's also really important to create an emotionally safe environment. This is how we are going to foster emotional maturity in our homes. And research really shows the importance of closeness and acceptance by parents is what allows kids to form healthy emotion regulation skills and mechanisms. And so if you focus on just being emotionally available, rather than trying to control emotions, people in that environment will feel a lot safer. And this is where it can be

important to kind of teach that saying that emotions are acceptable, but behavior is not. And really helping your kids feel like they are going to be loved and accepted regardless and you can still work on setting boundaries around behavior. I'm Chris Hadfield. I'm an astronaut, an author, a citizen of planet Earth. Join me for a six-part journey into the systems that power the world. Real conversations with real people who are shaping the future of energy. No politics, no empty talk. Just solutions-focused conversations on the challenges we must overcome and the possibilities

that lie ahead. This is On Energy. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. You also have to be paid. This is the last strategy I'm going to give you, is that you have to know that if you have kids, they are going through so many different developmental stages, even up until young adulthood, that their brains are still developing. And it is a long game.

You have to be patient with the process and understand that once you learn a new skill and things start going well, there's probably going to be a new thing. that comes up in a year in six months depending on their age that challenges you and that you have to learn to kind of roll with those punches again. I want to encourage you to seek professional help when needed. I know you're doing that by listening to this podcast. You can go to a therapist. You can join a community like calling home. I think that if you notice that despite this emotionally mature parenting, you're thinking like, I'm doing everything that I'm hearing here, my child is showing persistent emotional dysregulation, they cannot handle life inside and outside of the home.

They're having issues in multiple areas of life, then that might be something that we need to look into. And some kids just need additional support beyond what you can provide as an emotionally mature parent. And I think it doesn't hurt, right? It's something that you can try to do for your child in some way, whether that's online resources, resources at their school, in your community, listening to shows like this by figuring out if you need to bring in professional help for you or for your child or for both of you depending on their age. Let's talk now about like the bigger picture and some other systems and context that can come into play when we're talking about emotionally mature parents raising kids that are emotionally

immature. I think this is a fear for some parents that they want to make sure that they are not repeating these patterns. They want to make sure that their kid is equipped. to handle life. But there are things out there that are going to influence and maybe impede some of the progress that you are trying to make with your own child. So outside of like that parent-child diad, there are influences, right? So there are cultural and social factors. And they affect the way that individuals see their own emotions and the emotions of others. And they also influence how people express their emotions and regulate them. And so you might find, that your child starts to learn things about gender and emotions or about their cultural identity

and emotions from other people in their life and other social circles. And I think this is where parents have to do a really good job of remaining sturdy, important people in their children's lives so that these influences do not completely outweigh them. And it's hard. School and peer influences, of course, have a factor. So research shows that emotional competence affects children's development of social and school competence, and parents aren't the only influence on their emotional development once they're out of your home. We also see intergenerational patterns. There are studies that show that intergenerational emotion dysregulation transmission happens in mother-child diads. And so you'll see some of this get passed down.

And sometimes these patterns span generations, and they take a while to interrupt. They take a lot of conscious work. The other thing I want to mention here is that you are not the only person parenting your child and you're not parenting in a vacuum. And some of you are married to or co-parenting with people who are not good influences on your child's emotional maturity. And this can be something that you are constantly up against if you are co-parenting with someone that is highly emotionally immature. And you probably are not going to be able to cancel

everything out, but you can make up for a lot of it. And kids really just need one solid connected influence. And that influence needs to have a good attachment to them, to be steady, to be secure, and to be consistent. And I think there will be times where you're going to be like, gosh, I just cannot make up for what's going on over there. And I want to encourage you to just stay in your lane and focus on what you're doing and try to have faith that you're consistent showing up in this way is going to pay off in the end. Here are the five key takeaways that I want you to take away from this episode. And when you're asking yourself this question of like, can I raise an emotionally immature child if I am very emotionally mature? One,

is that your emotional maturity matters tremendously. It is the foundation for your child's emotional development. Two, it's not a guarantee, though. Kids have their own temperaments and their own developmental paths. And we need to be aware of that and know that there's going to be some shades of gray here despite our consistent influence. The relationship between you and your child is bidirectional. You influence your child. your child influences you and you need to always be paying attention to the ways that you are being influenced because you're taking that in and giving something back and that is going to influence the relationship in a big way timing and consistency matter emotional development is a long process

it takes time and showing up consistently is more important than messing up once or twice and then seek support when you need it sometimes professional health can complement what you were already doing. And it doesn't mean that you're a bad parent, that you're emotionally immature, that you're not giving your kid what you need, but sometimes you just need a little more of it or in a different form. The emotional quality of a child's relationships with their parents or their caregivers impacts that child in so many ways. It impacts their psychological adjustment, their emotional development, their social competency, and their own capacity for forming meaningful and lasting relationships with others.

But being an emotionally mature parent doesn't mean that you'll raise a perfect kid overnight. It means that you are giving your child the best possible foundation for their emotional development journey and their process is going to look different than other kids and they might have moments where they struggle more than others, but you have to follow the path all the way to adulthood. And the fact that you're thinking about this now and you're paying attention and you're learning, it means something and it's something to feel good about. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope that it was helpful for parents or adult children of emotionally amateur parents that are looking back on their own childhood

and for people who are considering becoming parents or just thinking about their own life. I would love to see you in an upcoming group at Calling Home. You can join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Callinghome.co and get unlimited access to all of our courses, articles, worksheets, videos, and scripts that we upload every Monday. For the entire month of August, we will be focusing on adult children of emotionally immature parents. And then we'll move on to a new topic in September. But all of the content will remain in the content library for our members to access. as long as you have your membership. As always, please don't forget to comment, leave us a review, subscribe, like the podcast,

whatever it is, wherever you're watching this. That is how we keep the show going. I am so grateful for all of you. Thank you again for listening and have a great day. Bye. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create

any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and calling Holm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Collingholm's terms of service linked in the show notes below.