CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Choosing Not to Reconcile with a Family Member

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

Not every relationship can be repaired, and not every relationship should be. In this episode, Whitney validates the decision to walk away from a family relationship for good and gives you the language to hold that boundary when the people around you won't stop pushing you to reconcile.Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic PositivityThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back to the calling home podcast. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. And today we're talking about something really important. What happens when you don't want to repair a relationship with a family member? Not because you haven't tried, not because you don't understand or value forgiveness, but because you've made a decision based on current past behavior, and that decision is no. If you're listening to this and you've already decided that you don't want a relationship with a family member. This episode is for you. I'm not going to try to change your mind. I'm not going to give you steps towards reconciliation. I'm here to validate that not all relationships can or should be repaired, and that's okay. Before we dive in, I want to remind you that if you're looking for more support in this process,

you can join the Family Cycle Breakers Club right here at Calling Home. This month, we're focusing on repair and reconciliation. And I think you'll find a community of people who truly get it. So if you listen to this episode and think, I do kind of want to repair, maybe I want to reconcile, I'm not sure what that would take, or you're just evaluating your decision, this is the month for you at calling home. And you can join at www.callinghome.com. Let's go ahead and get into the episode. I want to validate this decision for you because you're allowed to decide relationship is over even permanently. I know that that's a really taboo thing to do, especially when it comes to family. But not all relationships can be repaired. And honestly, if we really think about it, not all

relationships should be repaired. Because reconciliation requires too willing, accountable and safe participants. And if one of those is missing, repair cannot happen sustainably. I know a lot of you listening today have already tried everything, like therapy, boundaries, honest conversations, giving it time. And some things that have happened in your relationship, whether that's abuse or neglect, or other types of traumatic experiences, are just too much. Some people, even our family members, show no remorse and have no desire to change. And choosing not to reconcile or repair with those people doesn't mean you're giving up. Sometimes it's just an acknowledgement of reality. Now, if you're curious, like, is this the right decision for me? You can ask yourself,

Has the harm in this relationship stopped or is it still happening? Has the other person taken any real responsibility? Do I feel emotionally, physically, or psychologically safe with this person? Have they demonstrated consistent change over time or just words? Or have there not even been words? When we think about no longer having a relationship with someone, especially a family member, I think forgiveness comes up a lot. And forgiveness and having a relationship are two totally separate things. You can forgive someone and still never want them back in your life.

I'm going to repeat that again. You can forgive someone and still never want them back in your life. life. That is so important to remember because I think when forgiveness gets weaponized by people who have been harmful or abusive to others, it's typically because they're painting forgiveness as this noble thing that you have to do in order for them to have access to you again. And so when you realize that you can practice forgiveness for yourself, to let go of something, to move forward, and still not bring this person back into your life to harm you further, that can be really empowering. You also don't have to forgive people that have really, really hurt you and continue to hurt you with no remorse, no accountability and no desire

to change. You can also move on while still remembering what happened. Forgiveness and moving forward does not require you to completely erase the past. It's also not black or white, right? Because you can forgive someone and still keep them at a distance. You can forgive someone and holds boundaries. You can forgive someone and say, what you did was wrong and it was never okay. You can also exercise forgiveness and never tell them. because forgiveness isn't always about absolving them of any feelings of guilt or wrongdoing. It's mostly about you and for you to allow yourself to move forward. I also think it's important to highlight that choosing not to forgive someone that was abusive

or horrible to you doesn't make you bitter or stuck or less evolved or, you know, like you're just rotting from the inside. Like we hear all this crazy toxic positivity about forgiveness that is really weaponized against survivors of severe relational trauma. And it's just wrong because some things are frankly unforgivable. And we don't have to force peace when there has been harm. So if you are struggling to forgive and forget, that might be for a reason. Maybe you're not supposed to.

You know, you have to remember pain, especially when something feels unsafe to protect yourself. And that experience doesn't just vanish because the other person wants to be forgiven or wants you to move on. And forgiveness isn't about absolving them of what they did. It's about releasing you from the change. and the pain of this relationship, but that release can happen in so many ways. And not all of those ways include you extending forgiveness to this other person. Now, sometimes I think when people pass away, when they die, were especially pressured to practice forgiveness and moving on and reconciliation. But death doesn't grant absolution to people that have been hurtful. And you don't

owe forgiveness to people just because they're gone. It's actually very common and there's some research that demonstrates this that people may remember abusive caregivers in a softer light because they're no longer here to harm them. And I think this is why I see so often. I want to do a whole episode about this, but I see a lot of people in comment sections who had abusive parents who have passed. And a lot of them will say things like, oh, I wish I could still have my mom here to repair with her. Or if I had another shot, I wouldn't have become estranged from my abusive dad. I would have forgiven him. And I think a lot of this is colored by the fact that you're no longer being harmed by that person actively because they're not alive. And they can't hurt you

anymore. So you can soften this stance. And then when you do, the worst thing you can do is then use that as a weapon, you know, to harm survivors who are still actively dealing with these situations. But you get to decide how you remember someone that was hurtful or abusive and harmful to you. And you get to decide what you grieve and hold on to. And I think you can sometimes grieve the loss of what could have been after someone like this passes away without actively grieving the person themselves if there wasn't a good relationship there to grieve. And you're allowed to grieve even without forgiving this person. You can grieve the loss of a person, a relationship, a version of what could have been even if they hurt you. And I think this is what's so fundamentally different about

family relationships is that you could have a family member that really harmed you. And if this was any other person, we would not expect you to like grieve them in this way. But because they are family, it is so, so complicated. And complicated feelings can exist when someone passes a way that you never reconciled with and did not want to repair with while they were alive. Something really challenging, I think that comes up also when someone dies that you did not want to forgive and that you don't want to forgive after their passing is that other people will remember them quite differently. And they can hold vastly different memories of the same person.

And that's because someone who was kind to others can be abusive to someone. someone else. And I think this divergence is especially pronounced when some experienced abused while others didn't. And it can lead to a lot of conflict and disbelief and denial and invalidation within families. And there's this whole thing of like, don't speak ill of the dead, right? And so this becomes especially pronounced after someone's passing that you did not forgive or reconcile with. And I don't think you need to convince anyone, you know, to see that person, how you see them as part of your grieving. Because some people are just so locked into that narrative. And now that the person isn't there to defend themselves or to speak up, they are definitely

not going to pivot, you know, from that position. And I think trying to fight that reality can often only lead to more harm for you. It's better to find. It's better to find, people and spaces where you can be totally honest about your relationship and how it impacted you. And you don't need everyone to believe you. You only need the right people to believe you. It's also very common when we're talking about estrangement and forgiveness and repair. Get a lot of pressure from other people. And so I think you should be prepared for this if you've made a decision of like, I don't want to repair, I don't want to forgive, I don't want to reconcile with this person, know that this is going to happen. Because I think that we all kind of romanticize reconciliation.

And if I had a dollar for every time someone told me, why don't you just encourage reconciliation, I would be a billionaire. And I don't blanket encourage reconciliation because I think there's some people out there that we cannot reconcile with, even family members. And some people's definition of reconciliation does not include apologies, accountability, or behavior change. It's just brushing things under the rug and pretending that everything is fine. And I don't promote that. So it's going to look very, very different. And when we have this romanticized view of reconciliation of almost like everything would be okay if you could just forgive and move on and get over it, then people start to pressure you to forgive because they're on.

comfortable. They're responding from their own belief system, and they often genuinely believe that it will help you. Their discomfort does not mean that you need to change your decision, because I think they often are lacking information, context, they're operating from their own perspective, and they're projecting onto you. And when you realize that, it can make you feel a little bit stronger in your own position. And I think it's good to have some prepared responses, and I'm going to give you some here that can help you hold that boundary when you are not planning to repair or fix things or forgive someone without over explaining. And each of these would be used in different contexts, you know, depending on your relationship with that person. But some of them would be,

I'm not in the place to do that right now. Maybe someday, but not today. I hear you, and this is how I'm dealing with it. I appreciate your perspective. I'm doing what feels right for me. Everyone processes things differently. I'm really glad that works for you. I'm still figuring it out. Forgiveness is not just automatic for me because they're gone.

I can't just pretend that everything is okay. They never made things right with me either. I don't owe them that. I've made peace with this, even if we don't reconcile. Forgiving someone doesn't erase what they did to me. My feelings are my feelings, and I understand if you don't get it or you disagree. You may also need to clearly communicate your boundary and your decision to the person that hurt you. So if the person who harmed you or harmed someone you love keeps reaching out, you may need to be

wrecked with them about your plan to not fix things or repair your lack of desire to do that. And this isn't about punishment or anger. It's really just you being honest, putting it out there and protecting yourself. And you don't owe everyone a lengthy explanation. Sometimes it's a good idea to do it. It's helpful. it tells the person where you stand. But this is all context dependent and really also depends on the severity and the level of danger,

both physically and emotionally within that relationship. But I like to kind of come back to the thing that like clarity is kindness and sometimes I'm doing it for me, not just for them, even if they don't understand or get it. And you may need to be as clear as saying, I thought a lot of about this and I don't want to have a relationship with you. Or I understand that you want to talk and I've decided I don't want to fix things right now. I'm just being honest about what I can handle. I'm not open to a relationship right now and I don't know when or if that will change. Too much has happened between us for me to try again. I don't want to revisit the past or have a

relationship anymore. And if someone is really persistent and keeps reaching out trying to repair, I appreciate you reaching out. I'm not ready to reconnect. If that changes, I'll let you know. I'm not interested in repairing things. I hope you can respect that. I won't be responding in the future. I would need to see a lot of change before I would consider contact. again. And you may want to include those changes if you haven't already. When you need to be a lot firmer, I think you can say things like, this isn't up for debate. I am not interested in reconciling with you and I never will be. I'm not interested in repairing this relationship. I'm not going to discuss it further. I know you see things differently. My decision is final. I've thought about it and I'm not

asking for more advice on this. This relationship is not something I want in my life. That's not something I'm open to. Really being very direct. Now, I think some people believe and promote the idea that you will never find peace and happiness and joy in your life without reconciling and forgiving and repairing. But I know this to be true from the work that I have done with clients who have suffered a wide array of traumatic events and harmful relationship rifts in their life that peace doesn't require reconciliation. And it doesn't always feel peaceful at first. Sometimes it's very much emptiness or silence. But as you step away from that conflict and you make room in your life, you can find more stability, connection, you can access your creativity, things that you actually like. You have more

time for relationships with people that you enjoy and you can find closure in knowing inside yourself. I've done all that I can to fix this. And I think you can still extend if you want to love and peace to that person without ever opening that door again. And this isn't going to feel good all the time, but it will help you build trust within yourself. And I think you have to remind yourself that when I choose not to reconcile with someone that is continuing to harm me, someone who does not show any empathy, understanding, remorse, they just want me to brush everything under the rug and forget about it.

I'm not cold and unforgiving. I just understand what I need for my relationships. I need connection. I need safety. I need love. And without those things, this is not sustainable. Or when I continue to have this relationship, all I do is open myself up to further harm. I'm being harmed physically, emotionally, mentally. I can see that when I am engaged in this relationship, all these other facets of my life suffer. It hurts how I show up as a parent, as a spouse, at work for myself, whatever it is. But when you really are able to draw this connection between how the relationship is impacting you and the ways that it ripples through your life becomes much clearer what you are giving up to continue maintaining this relationship.

And there are studies on estrangement that show that many adults who choose to end family relationships report improvements in their mental health, sense of self, and their overall well-being, even when they are continuing to deal with grief and ambivalence about, the decision. And this is something that I have seen in my own survey data as well as with the clients that I've worked with over the last decade and the groups that I run inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. I want to clear up a couple more misconceptions about not wanting to forgive or repair or reconcile. If you decide not to fix this relationship or to continue it, it doesn't mean that you're stuck or that you haven't healed.

It also doesn't mean that you're bitter. And setting this boundary, you're coming to this conclusion right now, doesn't mean that you'll never feel sad about this or that you'll doubt yourself. You can still revisit this decision if circumstances change dramatically, but you also don't do. You are the one that gets to decide that. and I'm okay with you changing your mind later, changing your mind in a week, or holding the line forever. I think all of those options are valid and they are highly dependent on the context of the

relationship. And so this is never about convincing someone one way or the other that you have to decide today, whether you are never going to reconcile with this person or not. It's about validating where you are right now and some of you need that closure to say this person doesn't get access to me again in my life. I am going to protect myself. They have harmed me to such a degree that I need to put this wall up and tell myself that this person is essentially not around to hurt me anymore. It's as if they are gone and I can exit this relationship. I have that agency as an adult. Now, some of you need the opposite. You need the ability to leave the door cracked and say, I want to know that if things change,

I could revisit this. And so both of those things are valid. And I think when you're able to allow yourself to enter a space of like, this is my decision today, I'm allowed to think about it again tomorrow. And every day I wake up, I'm allowed to make the choice that's right for me. It's very, very empowering. I remember working with a client once who was working through sobriety from a couple of substances. And we would talk about this idea of waking up in the morning and choosing sobriety, right?

And I just remember this concept that I have woven into other areas of my work of like, each day I get to wake up and I get to choose. and I get to empower myself to say, I am choosing to protect myself. I am choosing not to talk to this person. I'm choosing to talk to this person. And I can make that choice based on the data that I have that day. And if and when things change, I can change my decision too. But if tomorrow is just like today and this risk is still there, then I probably want to continue making this choice, knowing that I always have the choice. And this is not being decided for me by my therapist or anybody else. It's my choice to make.

And I'm empowered because I know my options. If you've made it to the end of this episode and you're feeling seen, I think maybe this is one of the first times, like, I've said this out loud and I don't see a ton of people saying this that like not every relationship can be repaired. Not every relationship should be repaired. And it's a decay to decide that you're not going to do that even with your family. And if you've made the decision not to reconcile with a family member, I want you to know that your decision is valid. And you don't have to justify it to me or to anyone else. You don't have to keep explaining yourself and you don't have to feel guilty that you're,

were forced to make this choice. People don't make these choices unless they are presented with some not great options, right? And so you can forgive and still walk away from this relationship. You can grieve and hold that boundary and you can love someone from a distance or not at all and you can still be a good person. None of that makes you a bad, unhealed, like not Zen person. It makes you empowered understanding of your needs and it allows you to know that you can trust yourself and choose from your options as they continue to evolve. If you want more support as you navigate this, I would love to see you inside the Family Cycle Workers Club at Calling Home. This month, we're diving deep into repair and reconciliation if it's possible what it looks like

and how to decide if you should even do it. And this is the kind of community where you don't have to pretend and you can say things like the stuff that was said in this episode today out loud and no one is going to judge you or think that it's weird. You can show up exactly as you are and you can join at www.callinghome.com. Thank you so much for listening. If this episode resonated with you, please take a moment to like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you're listening. It helps other people who need us, find us, and it means the world to me. I will see you next time on calling home. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice,

or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.