CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - College Students Going No Contact With Their Parents

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

Whitney responds to a Facebook post from parents who feel blindsided by their college-age child who suddenly asks for no contact. She breaks down how the wrong response from parents can push the relationship toward permanent estrangement.Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic PositivityThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back to the Calling Home Podcast. I'm your host Whitney Goodman. And today we're talking about something that I have been seeing everywhere lately. Parents who feel blindsided, devastated, or confused when their young adult suddenly pulls away, asks for space, or even requests to go no contact. Inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club lately, we have been covering emotional maturity, boundaries, and the complicated ways adult family relationships can evolve. If you want support, Therapists-led groups, worksheets, community boards, and more, you can join us at www.callinghome.com inside our membership community. But today, let's focus on a pattern that I think is deeply misunderstood. Young adults pulling away is often part of differentiation, not estrangement. But how parents respond can

push the relationship towards permanent distance. I will also. answer a caller question at the end of this episode. There was a post that I came across on a public Facebook group that has thousands of parents of children who have recently gone away to college. And someone sent me this post and then I went to the group and looked at it. And a parent had shared that their college-age child sent them an email saying that they wanted no contact. That was the phrasing that the parent used. This mother and their spouse had been giving them space, sending occasional updates, mailing care packages, and assuming things were okay. Then they received an email. They were devastated. They didn't know what to do

about the practical things like insurance, tuition, the car, the phone plan. And I actually want to read you the full post from the parent to give you a little bit more context for their request. What do you do when your college-age child sends an email saying they no longer want a relationship with you and ask for no contact, no communication? Many will be quick to suggest counseling, point to possible underlying issues, or assume that boundaries have been crossed. I've seen all of those perspectives before. Our student has been away at college for a few months. We've tried to give them space, letting them take the lead on when to call or text. They've only called home once.

We've sent short weekend messages just to say hello, share a quick family update, or remind them that we love them. Occasionally, we've mailed small care packages. My spouse and I have been attending counseling ourselves to navigate this new season of parenting young adults. Our student has chosen not to participate. The message cutting off all contact with us came as a complete shock. We recognize that our child, in quotes,

is an adult, and as excruciating as this is, we know that we can't force a relationship. That said, we're unsure how to handle the practical side of things like health and car insurance, policies that include them, a car that they are using that is in our name that we continue to make payments on, a phone plan, tuition, and a monthly allowance. Also, do we stay connected on social media or in family tracking apps? Do we try to stay engaged or do as they wish and completely? step back. We want to protect our own mental health, but we also want to leave the door open. I am really passionate about how we handle these types of situations with younger adults who have

recently moved away because I think they can really change the trajectory of the relationship. And I've seen major improvements happen and devastating losses because of mistakes or missteps that happened during this time. Now, before I get into my response to this, I want to say that I don't know this family, I don't know their specific situation, but I'm going to assume honesty and positive intent from this parent because I think they are genuinely trying to figure out what happened. When I started looking at the comments that were on this parents' posts, you know, these were other parents in the group, presumably, you know, trying to give advice.

I was really struck by the majority of the comments and how they were kind of along these lines. And these are some exact quotes. You want my wallet open, but my mouth shut. If they want no contact, that includes no financial support. Take the car back. Cut them off. They'll come around when they need the money. They owe you an explanation if you're paying for anything.

I want to talk about why this mindset is not only unhelpful, but potentially dangerous in some situations and also relationship ending. The first thing I notice about this post is that this adult has only been away at college for a few months, according to this parent, to quote them. This is an extremely delicate and difficult time for a lot of young adults and their parents. They're learning to be independent. They're in a new environment. They're experience a lot of complicated feelings. The parents are learning how to either be empty nesters or be home with only some of their children, like, it is an emotionally loaded and challenging time. The parent also says, and I quote, that the message cutting off contact was a complete shock. So if this is truly completely out of

character for your child and you feel that they've made this massive change in only a few short months, I think that this situation should be approached very carefully and with curiosity first, because this happening totally out of the blue being very shocking, a big change in a couple of months, if that's what's truly happening here, to me could point to a lot of other scenarios other than this child trying to cut off their parents but still maintain financial support. The parent here also expressed that they have been in counseling to deal with this new stage of parenting. And this is a great idea. I fully support this.

this stage can be really challenging, and I'm glad that they're doing this. I think this also suggests that there might have been some challenges with the child moving out and being independent, whether those were challenges related to parenting or the marriage or one of the parents is to be determined. I can't state that from this. But the fact that their child has only been gone for a few months and they are already in counseling tells me that there were some growing pains here. There were some things that were going on. And I think that the fact that they wanted the child to participate in the counseling with both of the parents is interesting. I don't know what the driver was behind that, but that might point to like where the parents feel the issues were

coming from. Now, there's confusion here, I think, around boundaries with money, tracking apps, et cetera. And that makes me think that this conversation needs to go a lot deeper before any decisions are made. Because if these things, if you're paying for all this stuff and you're doing all these things for your adult child, and it was not discussed at all when they went no contact, they didn't mention any of this, I think there needs to be a lot more curiosity about what they mean by no contact. And I mentioned this in an episode that I recorded with Amanda White for her nuance needed podcast that in my experience of surveying estranged adults, estranged parents, adults who have difficult relationships with their parents in running groups

and in doing interviews, I found that there was really no cohesive definition of estrangement. And so for me, I define estrangement as being the complete cessation of all contact between those two parties, you know, going no contact, not having a relationship. But it does seem like, and I have talked to many people in my interviews for my book, who would say, I'm estranged from my parent, but they were still having regular contact with them, which I found to be very bizarre, that there could be this wide spectrum of ideas about what estrangement even means. So that's something that needs to be clarified here. I think that cutoff, of course, should not be used as a form of communication or threats or a way to get someone to change. And sometimes when a young adult

feels embarrassed, judged, trapped, or they're going through something that they feel like they can't share with their parent, they do that. The parent here is also not saying that their adult child is still demanding to be supported financially. And so that's why I think, so much of this advice could do more harm than good, these parents are understandably trying to navigate the logistics of their adult child pulling away. And focusing on these tasks, I think, can be a really good way of coping with this. You know, they're trying to figure out what this is going to look like. But more conversations need to be had about this adult's plan to be self-sufficient if they are currently relying on their parent for all of these needs. And that's

makes me think there's something else going on here. They express also wanting to, quote, leave the door open. And so I assume that this means that these parents would like to repair the relationship and have one in the future. And if this is the case, I would want to be very curious about what is happening with this young adult and seek more clarity before making threats or creating an unsafe situation. And I think this can help avoid long-term estrangement. There's also the reality that mental health issues can show up during this time. So I know that these kids are adults, but it's still a very difficult developmental period. And some adults may begin experiencing symptoms of mental illness or experimenting with substances. They could be in their first,

you know, relationship that's pulling them away. And this can lead to rapid changes in personality and behavior. So if this truly came as a complete shock, I think there needs to, you know, to be more investigation and curiosity into this. It's also okay to have limits on your support. I think that if your adult child is struggling or pursuing distance, it may be appropriate to set limits around what you will pay for or acceptable behavior. But that can come from a place of connection and support and love rather than a threat like you can't have my wallet open and my mouth shut.

that doesn't do much except reinstill this belief that the relationship is purely transactional and that you don't actually care what is going on between the two of you. You just want to continue to have contact with them. Parents do not have to continue financially supporting adults who have cut them off. And I think many of the adults I have spoken to report that they do not want financial help from their estranged parents because it's another form of contact. And so sometimes when you get this type of correspondence from a young adult in the first few months of a big transition, I think it can be best to pause, breathe, give it a moment, which I think is what this parent is doing here, which is good. You know, they're trying to ask for advice and not make sweeping changes or threats in the moment, right? The way you respond in this moment can make or break the relationship in the long term. And so, This is a perfect moment for a parent to lead and be curious about the sudden changes that have

unfolded in a few months, what their adult child might be going through in the transition, and how they can be a steady leader, even as they pull away. It's extremely difficult, but it can be relationship saving. And I want to talk about differentiation a little bit more, you know, in the context of this letter. I just talked about, like, what I see in that letter and what I might do. differently or some of the advice that was bad. But a lot of what is happening with these adults is differentiation. So when you're small, you see your parents as like superheroes. They set the tone for the world. But as you develop and you get older, you start to realize, you know,

my parents aren't perfect. I am my own person. I have my own thoughts, needs, identity. And I can disagree with them and still be okay. Now, in some parent-child relationships, it's not safe to disagree with your parent. But differentiation isn't about rejecting your family. It's about, you know, really finding yourself. It's not being selfish or punishing them. It is a normal developmental task. And I think for many young adults, especially those that grew up in overly like emmeshed or emotionally intense family systems, this differentiation often requires space. And that can mean physical, emotional space or both. And that might include fewer calls, delaying responses to text, wanting to make their own decisions, putting up some boundaries,

and occasionally going through moments where they don't want to speak a lot or at all. And often this isn't because they hate their parents. It's because it's the only way that they can like hear their own voice in their head and not just hear their parents. And I think some of these adults are only able to find clarity in their lives once they step back from this dynamic that has been so overwhelming and confusing and painful. Now, I think for many parents, especially those that are enmeshed with their own. children or kind of see their children as an extension of them, this pullback can feel like a rejection, betrayal, a lack of gratitude, disrespect, even though their adult child is really just saying,

like, I need space to figure out who I am outside of you. That doesn't feel good because this independence really feels like an abandonment, like you are being left. And you might even feel like closeness is equated with constant contact. And so normal adult autonomy feels like estrangement or abandonment in some ways. And I think that parents who have made a lot of sacrifices or they were like this with their own parents, they may even feel that they're owed that closeness as repayment for their sacrifices. And so if you have a very emotionally immature parent, that differentiation feels so threatening because the child is no longer under their control. You're seeing that like, oh, this adult child is not an extension of me.

They're not me. They're trying to be their own person. I really want to pull them back in. And it can feel very, very threatening. And that's often why if you have a parent that struggles with boundaries and autonomy and independence, like they escalate during this. time and that's what makes it feel like you have to pull away even more. I want to spend a little more time also on the financial threat comments. I think a lot of

parents view financial threats as a way to maintain authority over, especially their young adult children who cannot support themselves yet. Unfortunately, I think when adults are trying to pursue independence, have their own identity, make their own decisions, and you threaten them financially. And I'm not talking about adults who are doing things that are truly dangerous or harmful to others. I mean, like, they're just kind of taking some distance and becoming their own person. And you make financial threats. It really does give this vibe that, like, the relationship was never unconditional. It was always a transaction. And if withdrawing financial support is framed as a punishment, you're already trying to,

just have leverage over your child. So it's like saying, you owe me access to your life because I pay your tuition. My financial contribution entitles me to control your life. And that's not support. You are creating dependency that is disguised as generosity. And I think it's one of the fastest ways to ensure that your child doesn't come back. Now, of course, there can be conditions for giving money. If you are paying for your child's college tuition and they are failing out and not trying and, you know, not doing a good job, you can say, I don't think that this is the best investment for us to make. What I am talking about are parents who will say, you know, I need to know who you're with, where you are, what you're doing at all times. I'm going to track you. Otherwise, I'm not giving

you money for that. I, you know, if you want an outfit for this, I get to pay. You know, it out and buy it for you when they are 21 years old. I want to pick your courses and your major, like really trying to exert all this control over details and autonomy because you are paying financially is very, very different than having some standards for how that money is being utilized so that you make sure that it's being done in a good way. There is definitely a line there. These financial threats also tend to backfire, right? So if you punish someone for setting a boundary, it often proves that that boundary was necessary. The relationship also becomes really about economics and leverage. You can cause a lot of issues if you totally cut off a young adult

who is financially dependent. And they may then have to move into like survival mode. You don't teach responsibility by punishing autonomy, right? You don't teach them that closeness can be bought. Instead, you have to focus on building the actual relationship outside of just what the money is being utilized for. And again, this time. doesn't mean that you cannot have limits and rules for your financial contributions to your young

adult children. It's more about can we make sure that we are also building a strong relationship alongside that and not immediately resorting to financial threats or punishment before getting curious or asking any kind of questions when these things come up or the relationship kind of hits a rough patch. I also want to validate for parents that it feels scary to feel like you're losing your child. I think it's very devastating to be cut off without understanding why. And it's confusing to not know what to do about all these logistics. It's very uncharted territory. But when you react from a place of fear and like demanding closeness, punishing, retaliating, it will not lead to more closeness. I think the first question.

question you can ask yourself before you do any of that is like, what does my child need right now? What would help them feel safe, independent, equipped to handle this problem, respected and loved, and in control of their own life? Because I think even if we disagree with our children's decisions, you can respond with dignity and maturity and model that. And of course, there are consequences for their behavior at times. Like, that's life, too. If you're a parent that's going through this, I think, like, the best thing you can do

is try to signal openness before you try to assert control, right? And take responsibility for your own emotional response and know that this can be a very normal developmental process for your child. It can also be a sign that something's up. If there's been a major change, overnight. And so if your first thought is this is a rejection of me, maybe you can come back to

what does this tell me about the relationship between me and my adult child and what they might need for me. All right. Now I'm going to answer that caller question. This was one that was sent into me via email. And as always, you can send me your questions to Whitney at callinghome.co. And I will pick a different question every week to answer live on the show. I would like to know how do you combine this idea of not wanting to be around your parents, but at the same time practicing forgiveness and being able to move on? I feel stuck in my professional and personal life, and all I'm told is to accept my parents as they are and my life as it is, but I lack the tools to do so. Okay, so there is a tool in DBT called radical acceptance that I really, really like.

Let me pull up the exact steps for you. And we'll walk. through it here because I think it's really helpful. Okay. So it's a 10-step process. And this is from Marshall Linnehan, who is the founder of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. And I talk about this in my book, Toxic Positivity as well. The first step is that you have to observe that you are fighting reality. So you might be saying things like, it shouldn't be this way. I don't want it to be like this. I wish it was different and notice that you are fighting that reality. Then reminding yourself that this is the reality and it cannot be changed. So this is what happened. This is who my parent is. My parent did X. My parent won't apologize, whatever it is. And then reminding yourself that

there are causes for this reality. So this is how things happened. In this, case, you know, you're saying like, I don't want to be around my parents. So what is the reason for that? What has happened? What hasn't happened that has led to this feeling? Then you're going to work on, and this is an ongoing step, right, of practicing accepting with your whole self. So your mind, your body, your spirit, everything is telling you, like, I am using self-talk. I'm imagining that I accept this. What would it be like to accept that I don't like being around my parents? What would it be like to accept that this is how my parent is?

And you get more specific, of course, with your unique situation. And this can be part of the visualization. The fifth step is to list all of the behaviors you would engage in if you did accept the facts and then engage in those behaviors as if you have already accepted the facts. So if you want to forgive and accept your parents and accept that you don't like being around them, what would you do differently if that were true? How would your life look on a daily basis, a weekly basis, monthly? Are there any big events or milestones that would look different?

I'm really trying to embody that. I almost see this with people sometimes as like a fake it till you make it thing. Like, if I was not letting this person control my life, this is what I would do differently. I would not text them every time I needed to make a decision. I would write down my feelings. I would go to bed on time, like whatever it is that you would do. And then number six is that you're going to imagine that you believe what you do not want to accept and rehearse in your mind what you would do if you accepted what seems unacceptable.

So that thing that you want to accept, that reality that you are fighting, imagine that you are accepting it. I accept blank. This is my reality. I am going to blank and trying to really visualize that and feel it. And that's something that you can do every day. And the seventh step is, you know, to think about the body sensations as you think about what you need to accept. So as you're doing, doing that practice, what is coming up for you? What are you feeling? What are you experiencing? And then eight is allow. So allow disappointment, sadness, grief to rise within you. This is part of the process of acceptance is feeling all of those feelings. And nine, acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain. So I accept this and it is still painful. I accept this

and I still feel grief, you know, whatever it is. And then if you find yourself, you know, really resisting, practicing acceptance, you can do the pros and cons of accepting this or not accepting it and how your life might improve or get worse on either side. And again, this is something that you do regularly over time to try to help you radically accept a reality in your life that feels very uncomfortable to accept you do not wish to, or it's very hard to do so. Thank you so much for sending in that question, and thank you for listening today. I think families everywhere are navigating very delicate situations like the one that we talked about today, where young adults try to pull away just enough to hear themselves kind of

think. And parents panic and maybe use some old tools to try to try to. to pull them back in. And inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club, our membership community at Calling Home, we are talking all the time about differentiation, estrangement, and what emotionally mature responding looks like. If you want deeper support than this podcast, like discussion boards that are private and anonymous, groups with licensed therapists, worksheets, scripts, and community, come join us at www.com.com.com. Thanks for being here, and I'll see you next time. podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider

and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Collingholm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes' terms of service linked in the show notes below.