CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Grandchildren Are Not A Do-Over For Parents Of Adult Children

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

In this episode of The Calling Home podcast, Whitney discusses the complex dynamics of grandparent relationships. She’ll talk about why grandchildren are not a 'do-over' for parents of adult children, and that grandparents should not view their role as a second chance at parenthood. This episode is primarily focused on grandparents who have a strained relationship with their adult children and why they need to repair that relationship in order to have a healthy one with their grandchildren. Whitney will also provide a list of steps for grandparents to take in order to demonstrate change and accountability.  Have a question for Whitney? Call Home at 866-225-5466.  Head over to cozyearth.com and use promo code "callinghome" for an exclusive 35% off. Click here to get “Toxic Positivity” on paperback.  Join Whitney’s Family Cycle Breakers Club for further support and discussion on family dynamics at CallingHome.co. Follow the Calling Home community on Instagram or TikTok.  Follow Whitney Goodman on Instagram or TikTok.  The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice or other medical advice or services, is not a substitute for advice from a qualified healthcare provider, and does not create any therapist-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home’s Terms of Service. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. www.ca slash YMX. Hi, and welcome back to another episode of the Calling Home Podcast.

I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. So excited to be back today for another solo episode. Today I'm going to be talking about our new monthly topic, which is grandparent relationships. I truly did not expect that this topic would create so much buzz. I ended up moving topics around so that we could cover this in the month of May because on the fly one day, I decided to record a TikTok like totally unprompted. I don't know, this thought just popped into my head about grandparent relationships. and I was like, I'm going to record this video and just put it up.

And I did that. The video took me like a minute. I didn't prep for it, whatever. I put it up. And then I went and like did other work. And later I went back and checked. And the video was at like a million, you know, views now in thousands of comments and saves and whatever.

And it's been one of the most viral videos that I've ever put up. And it seemed to elicit a very, very strong reaction from people, on both sides. The sentiment that I shared in that video, which is what I'm going to focus on today, is that grandchildren are not a do-over for parents of adult children. And I want to add a disclaimer here before we get into any of this because I've seen a lot of grandparents comment this.

There are certainly some of you listening who are grandparents, and you may have adult children who cannot care for their children for a variety of reasons at this time. Maybe your adult child is struggling with addiction or a mental health diagnosis or another issue that really prevents them from showing up fully as a healthy parent. I know that that happens and I know that there are a percentage. I think the last time I checked it was maybe something around like 2.5 to 4% of children are being raised by grandparents.

So it's not a huge percentage, but there's certainly people out there who are being raised by their grandparents because their parent cannot provide that care at this time. And this episode may not fully apply to you if you're in this situation. And I hope that adult children and their parents can listen to this episode and take what applies to them. So let's go ahead and dive it. If you do not have a healthy relationship with your adult child, your grandchildren are not a do-over for you as a parent. They are not a second attempt at parenthood or a chance for you to get it right this time.

And what do I mean by that? I think it's commendable that any adult wants to be a good grandparent to their grandchildren. That is something to be celebrated. It is a good thing. I also know and believe that people grow. They change and they learn new ways of being. in the world. They may have become a different person than when they were raising their children.

Maybe they're less stressed and have more time to devote to their grandchildren than they did to their own children. Being a grandparent is often easier than being a parent in a lot of ways. The child goes home at the end of the day. You aren't tasked with like major decision making and you're not ultimately the person that is responsible for that child's life. And it makes sense why a grandparent would be able to show up differently. And this is extremely painful for your child, the adult that is in front of you, your grandchild's parent. And if you cannot find a way to repair the relationship with your adult child, your role in that grandchild's life may unfortunately be at risk. And so we need to remember this. Your adult child is watching.

And when a grandparent suddenly finds the capacity to show up in ways they couldn't for their own child without taking accountability for the past, the adult child is left with this highly complex type of grief. They're happy their child is getting this version of their parent and they might simultaneously be grieving the fact that they were subjective to entirely different conditions in their own childhood. And this isn't about your adult child being jealous of their child or the grandchild or competing with them. It's a deeply complex mix of emotions.

And if you're an adult child who is a parent now and you have felt this, it's normal to feel this mix of grief, fear, gratitude, confusion. all of that. The adult child may be wondering, how did you learn not to be abusive, neglectful, or cruel? What was so wrong with me that I didn't deserve the treatment that you're now giving my child? Are you going to stop loving them when they mess up too like you did with me? Is this real? Or do you just love them more? And you're your adult child is watching you be different, likely without you taking ownership, which is what hurts.

It also leaves them wondering if this change is legitimate or if you will suddenly revert to old behavior when their child has their own opinions, wants, or needs. So will you change when the child is no longer a baby? How will you behave when your grandchild has a different political belief? What will you do if they decide their sexuality, isn't what you deem to be, quote, unquote, correct? How will you react if they leave your religion or choose to dress differently or to partner with someone outside of the faith or the community? It's this delicate dance to allow a parent who hurt you and has taken zero accountability for that pain into your child's life. and the adult child may be left constantly wondering if the change is real, how the change

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All of this can make, you know, someone wonder. It makes me wonder somewhat sometimes. Can an adult child really trust that a grandparent has changed or their parent has changed if they take zero accountability? And would you trust anyone else who hurt you this bad in this way? to be around your children without an apology or proper recognition of what went wrong. So take a moment to think about that. If a teacher constantly screamed at you or your child, would you allow them to be around your

child without any repair? If a sports coach was abusive, would you allow them to be around you or your child without any repair. What about a friend, a neighbor, a babysitter? This is what we are asking adult children to do with grandparents who were harmful parents. We are asking them to ignore all of the past and to entrust the person who hurt them the most with their child. We absolutely would not do this with anyone else. And so we have to ask, like, why is this the expectation? So can an adult child trust a grandparent if they have taken zero accountability? Let's walk through a couple of questions here.

If your parent hit you and they do not recognize or apologize for the pain they caused, how do you know they won't do it again? If your parent neglected you and they do not apologize for the harm they caused, how do you know they won't do it again? if your parent put you in danger and they do not apologize for the harm they caused, how do you know they won't do it again? If your parent ridiculed and shamed you and they do not apologize for the harm they caused, how do you know they won't do it again?

And these are just good like safety kind of checks to check in with yourself before you give someone who has been routinely harmful access to a child, whether that's your parent or someone else. And I would be wrong to not acknowledge this reality because I have seen it myself many times that, yes, people can change. Parents can become different grandparents. They can learn new ways of interacting with children and change their ways. It is possible. And so here is what is. is required, in my opinion, professionally, for that change to be legitimate, unbelievable. There needs to be acknowledgement that what happened in the past was not okay, that it was harmful,

abusive, neglectful, cruel, et cetera. This may come as an apology or a statement demonstrating that the grandparent slash parent knows exactly what happened and why it was harmful. There has to be a plan to repair and change in the future. This may include medical treatment, therapy, medication, participating in groups, reading books, listening to their child, journaling, prioritizing their emotional and physical health, and or discontinuing the use of substances, etc. They have to consistently demonstrate they've changed and make amends when old behaviors show up. So everyone messes up and change takes time.

Adult children who were harmed by their parents will want to see that the parent is attempting to take responsibility for that behavior when it happens and that they are still working on it. And there needs to be a certain level of respect for boundaries and parenting practices. Grandparents must learn to respect the parenting decisions and boundaries that are made by their child and their child's spouse, partner, or co-parent. And I think this really can just be seen as a sign of respect and demonstrates that the grandparent is trying to be a partner in their grandchild's life, not an authority figure that rules over everyone.

If the grandparent does not repair the relationship with their adult child and continues to behave in this unsafe or inappropriate way, Why would they have a right to be in that child's life? We would not allow any other adults to behave this way and to have access to that child. So for any grandparents listening to this, you can change. You can be different. You can struggle as a parent and be a wonderful grandparent. And if you want to play an important and positive role in your grandchild's life,

you must prioritize the relationship between you and your adult child and the parents of that grandchild as well. If you do not have a healthy relationship with your adult child, your grandchildren are not a do-over. They are not a second attempt at parenthood or a chance for you to get it right. because your adult child is still sitting there in front of you and they are still just as much in need of your love, care, attention, affection, repair, all of that as the grandchild. I think we feel sometimes like it's just too far gone. There's nothing that I can do to salvage

this relationship when really there is so much that can be done. And I think your relationship with your grandchild will improve tremendously when you're able to find a way, if and when possible, to relate in a healthy manner to your adult child. And this reminds me of, I got an email the other day from someone that was saying, you know, my adult child is not speaking to me. And it was something along the lines of like, I can deal with that. but I miss my grandchildren so much. And I was like, wow, that really hurts. That's a painful, that's a painful thing to read. If I knew that my parent was like, I can deal with losing her,

but my grandchild is so important to me, that stinks. And I think that's what a lot of adult children can feel is that there's this focus on this new, you know, tiny being in front of you that's like, oh, this one is not messed up yet. They're a blank slate. I can start over. And it really becomes about you, not about the relationship, not about the grandchild. It's a lot of pressure to put on a grandchild. And your adult child that maybe you're feeling like, oh, I can deal with not being around them is the parent of that child. They're the reason that child exists. And they're going to be a part of them for better or worse. They are likely, you know, whether they're a part of their DNA, they're a part of their life,

they are a part of their history, that's always going to be there. And your grandchildren will get older and they will realize when grandma or grandpa, whoever, doesn't like their mom or their dad or treats them very poorly. And that is not going to help your relationship. I think that might be something that you can kind of get away with when they're babies and they don't realize, but when they become preteens and teenagers and adults, what is your relationship going to look like if you didn't treat their parents well? And they realize that. And that doesn't mean that you can't have boundaries with adult children. It doesn't mean

they can't have standards of ways that you want to be spoken to and to be treated like. But it does mean that you have to find a way a lot of the time to be the bigger person in these relationships and to say, like, if I, if this relationship with my grandchild is really important to me, then so is the relationship with their parent, because their parent is the most important person in their life. And I need to find a way to show my grandchild that that's important to me too. I hope that this episode is helpful for grandparents, adult children, people thinking about having children, who are worried about the grandparent dynamic. Let me know if you have any other questions about this topic. And for the

entire month of May, we will be talking about grandparent relationships at Calling Home. So you can always join the Family Cycle Briggers Club and join weekly groups, read articles, scripts, worksheets, courses, anything you can imagine to help you out with this topic and a variety of others at at www.callinghome.co. That's also always linked in the show notes. And you can find more about that on my Instagram at Sit with Witt. Thank you all so much for being here today, and I hope to see you in a group soon, or I'll see you at the next episode. Bye. advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you

and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.