CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Grieving a Parent Who Wasn’t Really There: How to Mourn the Relationship You Never Got

Starting point is 00:00:00 When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hello, everyone and welcome back to the Calling On Podcast. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman, and today we have a solo episode. I'm going to be talking about grieving a parent who wasn't really there, how to mourn the relationship you never got. I wanted to let you know that every month inside the family cycle breakers club, our membership community, we focus on a new topic. And May at Calling Home is navigating grief from complex family dynamics, which is something that we're talking about in this episode today. Our community provides the tools and community you need to help you process grief

Starting point is 00:01:06 and improve your family dynamics. By joining, you'll discover a supportive community and gain the clarity you need, transforming your family relationships, and helping you navigate grief with strength. New content begins on May 5th, 2025. That was last week. So there's already a week of content up and we are in our groups. It is not too late to join. You can visit www.callinghome.co and join the family psychoplakers club today. So let's talk about grieving a parent who was never really there. I think when we talk about this, there are two distinct types of grief that you might be feeling. The first one is a parent who may be alive, but is unwilling or unable to change because they're in denial, they have a lack of insight, or maybe they have

Starting point is 00:02:00 an illness or a disability like dementia that is impacting their functioning. The second one is the parent has died, and there's no longer any hope for the relationship to change, and that relationship was painful, complicated, abusive, or harmful before they're passing. I think we often expect that the level of grief will match the level of closeness you had with that person. But that's not always true. You don't have to have a quote unquote good relationship with someone to grieve the loss of it. And those of you that have experienced this type of loss with a parent know that that is true firsthand. When you are grieving a parent who wasn't there physically, emotionally, or both, that parent may have been physically absent and they weren't able to be physically

Starting point is 00:02:56 present because of something like them passing away. They were incarcerated, divorce, abandonment, or maybe their job took them far away. You also could have an emotionally absent parent that may not have been there because of neglect, mental illness. illness, emotional immaturity, addiction, or another type of abuse. But many physically absent parents are also emotionally absent because at least some physical presence is required to create emotional closeness or presence. So if you had a parent that was physically absent and they were not trying to maintain emotional closeness through other types of like distant communication, that physical distance is likely going to also lead to emotional distance and

Starting point is 00:03:43 abandonment as well. And when you're grieving the absence of presence, whether that's a physical or emotional presence, you're really mourning a relationship that never truly existed. It's a relationship that you needed, that you were promised that you were going to have, but that was never really felt. And this is often experienced as an ambiguous loss where the person is alive but gone or a type of disenfranchised grief that isn't totally recognized. And this is something that we've been talking about a lot more in the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home this month. These two different types of grief often lead to different paths, right, of how you're going to grieve this. So let's look at those two types of complicated grief. When the parent is still alive

Starting point is 00:04:40 but the relationship doesn't exist or when the parent has died and there's no longer any hope for the relationship. When the parent is still alive, you're probably grieving a relationship that is estranged or emotionally cut off or you have a relationship solely like physically caring for that parent but they are no longer in their body. So when we're talking about addiction or dementia, Alzheimer's, that can be that feeling. So you have so many ongoing reminders of their presence, right? There's birthdays, holidays, social media. Maybe they are still active in the community or you're seeing them running into them at the grocery store. And you can often really be stuck between these two feelings of like, should I have hope? Or should I experience like the

Starting point is 00:05:30 heartbreak and grief of giving up this relationship? And I find that a lot of people in this situation are really asking themselves like, will I regret this if they die? Should I be doing more to try to maintain a relationship with them? But then when I do, it hurts me so bad. You may also be asking yourself, why do I still miss someone who hurt me? How do I still have these feelings of like love and grief and wanting to be close to them even though I know that I can't? And they were the ones that abandoned me in so many ways, especially when we're talking about a parent who is still alive and doesn't really have much of a reason. Like there's not like an illness or something keeping them away from you.

Starting point is 00:06:16 They've just kind of sunken into this place of like, I'm going to neglect you or abandon you or not have a relationship with you in adulthood or maybe it's been like that since you were a child. The other path of grief is when the parent has died. And there is a finality to this type of loss, right, that's very different from the other type of grief. And that is the fact that they're never going to change now. And it can be very hard and painful to accept that reality because you're grieving what could have been. You're thinking about, I hoped for repair. And even though I didn't think it was going to happen, when they were still alive, there was still that chance. I could fantasize about it happening. I could think about it. And I could kind of like see it within my grasp. And now it seems like that there is just no chance of that happening because they're not even here to do that. Their death can also reactivate a lot of those childhood wounds or maybe if you had thought you achieved closure while they were alive when they actually pass, it sort of comes back to hit you full force and makes you feel like, oh, whoa, maybe I wasn't totally over that.

Starting point is 00:07:32 Or now I'm remembering things from my childhood. This is when a lot of people have nightmares, things that they wish they would have said, even negative things, even things they would have told them that they were feeling or that they were mad about. And something that we're talking a lot about in calling home this month that I'm doing some scripts and articles about is this pressure. to forgive or speak kindly of the person now that they have passed. It's very taboo to like speak ill of the dead or to not line up your memories with how

Starting point is 00:08:06 everyone else is speaking about them. And, you know, we hear people speak positively about some of the most horrific people in history, right? And so this is going to happen when your abuser dies, when your parent who has neglected you, there's always going to be that person who wants to only paint them in a positive light or who swears they only had positive experiences with them. And anything you say to the contrary is seen as such an insult and a crime. And it can feel so challenging for the child who is left behind who had this other view of that parent to be told that their feelings

Starting point is 00:08:47 and memories and experiences with this person are not true. And that, you know, they didn't happen. And that can bring up a lot of pain on this grief journey. For both of these types of complicated grief, I think whether the parent is still alive or they have passed away, you're going to notice some key unique feelings with this type of grief. And one is like this sense of longing and wanting something different, but maybe without any positive memories. When people pass typically when we are grieving and you hear those quotes of like grief is just love with nowhere to go, they have their positive memories to buoy them and to give them comfort in that loss. And when you have lost someone who was horrible to you up until the day that

Starting point is 00:09:43 they were gone or the day that you ended that relationship, you don't really have those positive memories to hold on to in those moments. you might even find yourself like over emphasizing these few and far between like little weird memories to make yourself feel better and that can feel disingenuous as well. And you also might have this experience of like I'm not grieving like other people. It feels like I'm grieving in the wrong way. I'm faking it. The grief that I'm having isn't right, especially if you are feeling some of these more taboo emotions like relief or guilt or anger. Even feeling sad in these moments can feel confusing and people might even push back on that feeling, especially if you've

Starting point is 00:10:35 been estranged or you didn't have a close relationship with this person. It's almost like you're not allowed to miss them because if you missed them, you would have just had a relationship with them. And that's not always true. You know, sometimes you can miss parts of a person. You can miss the hope and what you wish could have happened in that relationship. I want to walk you through some strategies that you can use if you are going through this type of grief. And the first thing that I want you to do is really validate that this loss is real. Even if that person is still alive and you cannot have a relationship with them, that is a real loss, especially when that happens with a parent. And you're maybe not grieving the

Starting point is 00:11:26 physical loss of that person, but you are grieving the fact that you didn't get love, safety, or presence, or good memories with this person, or that they hurt you when they were supposed to be the one person that protected you and took care of you. And you can grieve the fact and acknowledge that like that child version of you is really grieving all of those unmet needs because they get kind of all packaged up into this loss. And when people lose their parents and they don't have positive memories of those parents, all that is left is hope and pain. And that can be very, very confusing for people who lose a parent and miss them and feel this desire to have them back in their life, especially if you could have your parent back in your life,

Starting point is 00:12:19 they're alive, but you don't want them back in your life. You are allowed to have an honest narrative about this loss that doesn't match up with what other people are grieving or what they remember. There is a very good chance that both in life and in death, your parent had people around them who saw them in a very positive light, who loved them at work or in the community or they did really nice things for other people. And that can be true. And so can your experience of them. We know that with most abusive people, whether that's in the context of child abuse, domestic violence, even a really terrible boss, that they can be really abusive at home or at work and be

Starting point is 00:13:09 kind and wonderful in other places. This is a fact. And so the fact that your parent was perceived in one way and another area of life does not negate your very real experiences with them. And you can ask yourself, you know, what did I need and not get from this person? What did I lose when I lost the chance for this to improve or change? What really happened between me and my parent to make me get to this point where I am having to grieve them while they are still alive, or I am feeling nothing but relief when they passed. And sometimes it can help here to even write a letter or write about your honest experiences and give yourself that closure and that expression of what actually existed. And this can be helpful to talk about with siblings who share your

Starting point is 00:14:05 experience or a therapist or a partner that knew what you were going through and really just having like even one other person to corroborate your reality can be so powerful. And I think that's what's so important about our groups at calling home is that that is one place where you are guaranteed that that is going to happen for you. And you're able to say, you know, I'm grieving this person that's still alive. And I know that I could call them up on the phone and talk to them, but they're not actually the person I want to call because I don't miss my mom. I miss the fact that I should have had a mom and that I couldn't have a mom. And that is why I would really recommend that you join some of those groups if you relate to this episode,

Starting point is 00:14:50 because it's so powerful to have that validation from somebody else that's gone through that. You also need to find ways to ritualize the loss. in a way that makes sense for you. So, you know, when we're thinking about if you've lost a parent or you are estranged from a parent on Mother's Day, Father's Day, their birthday, all these big holidays where people might use that as a day to remember and celebrate that person, can you create a ritual for you that is about your grief and not necessarily about idealizing them? Is there a way that you can think about that as a way to provide comfort to yourself and not necessarily about celebrating them? It can also be helpful to do some of that inner child work

Starting point is 00:15:41 and that reparenting and ask yourself, like, when I think about losing them, how old am I? What version of me is most hurt by their absence, whether it's their emotional or their physical absence, their death, or the fact that they're alive and I don't have a relationship with them, what part of my life does this remind me of? Then you need to try to find a way to set boundaries for yourself, because I think sometimes we think that grief is driving us to re-engage. And in the same way as if you've ever been through a breakup and you get that feeling of like, I just want to talk to them. Sometimes you are just putting yourself back. into the fire to re-greave again. And especially if that person is still alive and they've

Starting point is 00:16:33 hurt you and you've had to take distance from them, that feeling can become really, really strong of like, well, maybe I would feel better if I just went back to the relationship. And that isn't always the truth or the best strategy. And so you might have to put boundaries around how you handle that grief and the type of contact you engage in and who you talk to about that grief. some people are not the right people to go to when you are dealing with this type of grief because they don't get it. They're going to encourage you to do things that are not smart for you. And that's why I think it's so important to have communities like calling home or a therapist or someone who gets it to help you through this. The other thing that happens a lot in the wake of any type of loss,

Starting point is 00:17:18 especially a death, is that we start thinking about legacy and how we want to carry on that person's memory and what they did. And this can be wonderful if you are grieving a person that you feel like has a legacy that you want to carry on. But for some of you that are working on breaking cycles in your family, you do not want to continue the legacy. And so I think that we can talk about legacy in the context of breaking cycles in a family. And how do you want to be? If you do not want to repeat this pattern in your family, what is your legacy? What is your legacy? going to be and what type of person or partner or friend or parent do you want to be because of this pain and not necessarily in spite of it, but because of who you are and what

Starting point is 00:18:06 you've learned and what you've done to transform this. Now, some of you are maybe listening to this and thinking, well, I'm grieving the loss of my parent who is still alive, but I still of some contact with them. And maybe you see them at holidays, you run into them, you have minimal contact with them, or you have physical proximity to them, but you're grieving the loss of an emotional relationship or you're taking care of them, but they are emotionally and mentally no longer in their body. And I think that you have to find a way to navigate this grief while maintaining that limited or complex contact, right? And you're grieving what they couldn't give or what they never be,

Starting point is 00:18:54 what they never will be while also dealing with who they are right now. And maybe they're being mean and cruel and hurtful to you. And you're trying to hold space for who they were, who they are now, protecting yourself and grieving the loss of them all at the same time. And so I want you to remember that you can have boundaries for yourself while also being caring and loving and considerate and you can also mourn that loss. And this is like very difficult, very complex, nuanced stuff that I think you have to kind of work through in these spaces where you can talk through that. And I know that we've had members at calling home who have been taking care of parents that they were estranged from as they died or moving back in with them.

Starting point is 00:19:47 Or I think this belief that all adults who have distant relationships with their parents are cruel and rejecting and just don't want to take care of them is so deeply false in the experiences that I've had with these populations. And I want you to know that you can do both. You can do it all. It's just hard. And it takes a lot of work and a lot of ability to sit with that pain and that grief. Okay. To end this episode, I just want to remind you that you are allowed to miss someone and be angry with them. You're allowed to not miss and not grieve the people that hurt you who are out of your life.

Starting point is 00:20:30 You're allowed to feel relief. And grief is not just love with nowhere to go. Sometimes grief comes up in the absence of love and the disappearance of hope. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone else who you think might need to hear this message or subscribe and leave us a review on Apple or Spotify. I love seeing your comments on Spotify. I check them every week and I respond to them personally. So thank you so much to everyone who does that. It helps people find these episodes who need them.

Starting point is 00:21:06 And as always, I would love to see you in our groups and community at Calling Home. You can visit Callinghome.com to sign up for the Family Cycle Breakers Club, and I will link all of that in the show notes. Thank you so much, and I hope to see you all in a group soon. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice, or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified healthcare provider and does not create any therapist patient or other treatment relationship between you and Colin Holm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes Terms of Service link in the show notes below.

CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Grieving a Parent Who Wasn’t Really There: How to Mourn the Relationship You Never Got

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