CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Grieving The Apology You Never Got

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Starting point is 00:00:38 going to be talking about how to grieve the apology you'll never get from your parent. So this is something that we've been talking about inside the calling home community all month along. We've been focusing on adult children of parents who will not apologize. And some of the content that I've put up has been about asking for an apology from your parent or communicating your thoughts and feelings and your memories or maybe even trying to have a relationship with a parent that won't apologize. But today we're going to pivot a little bit. And I want to speak to those of you that are not going to get an apology from your parent for any reason. That could be because they will not give you the apology, because they've passed, because they have a diagnosis that

Starting point is 00:01:33 makes it impossible for them to apologize to you or is making it more difficult. They didn't get sober. They have dementia or Alzheimer's, whatever it is. You may be grieving the apology that you will never get from your parent. So you're likely listening to this because you attempted to secure an apology from your parent, and they were incapable, unwilling, or unable to give you that apology. And you did all the right things. You explained your feelings. You walked them through what you remember. You learned to communicate respectfully and likely agonized over different ways to present that information. You are confident in your experience. You are confident in your and need an apology to move forward. And now you're realizing that that apology is not going

Starting point is 00:02:23 to happen. Your parent has shown you time and time again. They are not going to wake up tomorrow and say, I love you. I want to work on our relationship. I'm sorry. You know you need to accept this and you're unsure of where to begin. If this is you, it's time to grieve the apology that you're never going to get. It's time to accept that right now, in this moment, for whatever reason, your parent cannot say those words. They cannot admit what they did. They're not going to read that book that you sent them. They're not going to have this miraculous change of heart. They're not going to listen to a therapist. They're not going to be the parent that you want them to be. This is a wildly difficult thing to accept.

Starting point is 00:03:14 And accepting it might feel like giving up or giving in, but accepting it is the only way you move forward and release the control that this has over you. And when you accept that your parent isn't going to apologize, you can get back all the time you spend trying to convince them and to defend yourself. You can focus on healing yourself and moving forward. You can release the grip they have on you're present and your past and start working on your future. You can spend time with people who understand you, and you can create a relationship with them that makes sense or not have a relationship at all. You may be wondering if the apology isn't coming, can we still have a relationship? And there is no right answer to this question. Some adults are able to move forward

Starting point is 00:04:08 and have a relationship with their parents without an apology. This is usually because the parent has somewhat or entirely changed their behavior. There are boundaries in place or they have identified a way to have a limited relationship. And if you're asking yourself this question, the relationship checklist that's about can you have a relationship with your parent if they don't apologize is in the Family Cycle Breakers Club at callinghome.co. And it will help you navigate this dilemma and give you some clarity. Cozy Earth offers bedding products that will transform your sleep. I know that when I had my first child, I'm getting ready to have my second. I was so sleep deprived and it was really nice just to have like something that made the nighttime a little bit more enjoyable or special. And that's why I love

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Starting point is 00:05:55 If your parent has made it clear, they are not going to apologize, or you're just tired of fighting for understanding and validation, here are some ways to begin that grieving process. First, I want you to abandon the fantasy. For many adult children, there comes a time they have to abandon the fantasy of the relationship they wish they had with their parents and accept the one that they do have. Try being really honest with yourself about the reality of the relationship with your parent. How do they consistently behave? What does it typically feel like when spending time with them?

Starting point is 00:06:35 How do they respond to your boundaries? Healing can begin when you release the fantasy of who you wish they were and accept who they are. That healing might be finally grieving the reality that you didn't get what you deserved as a child. It might mean having a relationship with your parent based on who they are now. And it might mean setting boundaries and taking space. It might mean walking away completely. Number two, remind yourself that you are an adult. Some separation may keep you safe.

Starting point is 00:07:08 Not all parents who will not apologize need to be cut off completely. You may decide to become estranged, have low contact, or have a limited relationship that feels right for you. And it's important to remember that you are an adult child with power and agency. When a parent can no longer neglect, abuse, or interfere in adulthood, the adult child has the space to begin healing. Your childhood was hard, and it is over now. If your parent could not care for you, now you can care for yourself.

Starting point is 00:07:41 You were helpless as a child and now you have options. The third thing is to practice radical acceptance daily. At the beginning of this grief journey, you will have thoughts about what you could have said or done differently. You may try to revisit old conversations or put yourself in situations you know are not actually good for you. Each day, try to practice radical acceptance of what is. is. Ask yourself, has anything changed since I made this decision? What is different today and what is the

Starting point is 00:08:14 same as yesterday? What do I know to be true about this relationship? And lastly, number four, release the pressure to be the one who saves this relationship. You are always responsible for how you behave when repairing this dynamic. You should strive to be compassionate, honest, kind, and respectful in your communication, and that will only take you so far. You alone cannot save this relationship or make it healthy. Everyone must participate. And I want you to remember this. It doesn't have to be forever if you don't want it to be. It's so important to note that things are always changing and evolving. People grow and realize what they need to do differently every day. So if the apology isn't coming today, it may happen in the future.

Starting point is 00:09:06 future. If it feels authentic for you to say, this relationship is over and I will never have this person again in my life, I understand that. And some of you might need to live in the moment and think I will be ready to talk when they come around and realize the issues between us. Whatever feels the most appropriate for you is the best way to frame this issue. We will continue talking about and learning about parents of adult children who will not apologize in the calling home community for the rest of this month. So if this episode resonated with you and you feel like you need more resources like this, you can absolutely check out all the other things that we have to offer inside the calling home community at www.callinghome.com.com. And next month, we are going to be

Starting point is 00:10:03 talking about emmeshment in families. So talking about can a family actually be too close? How does emmeshment or emotional incest or having too much closeness in a family negatively impact the members of that family? And that will definitely include us talking about that from a cultural lens, religious, ethnic backgrounds, and the different ways that emmeshment might appear or manifest in a family? And what are the negative consequences of that when it doesn't feel authentic to you or rewarding to be experiencing that much closeness with certain members of your family? I know this was a short episode, but I think it had a lot of benefit with helping you actually work through some of these grieving steps. If any of you are navigating this process,

Starting point is 00:11:02 I'd love to hear from you. You can reach me on my Instagram or TikTok or wherever and let me know how this episode impacted you. I hope that you all have a great rest of your week. And I will see you next week for another episode of Calling Home. Thank you. is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice

Starting point is 00:11:36 or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.

CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Grieving The Apology You Never Got

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