CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Hallmarks of a Functional Family

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Build a more functional family today. In this episode, Whitney breaks down the hallmarks of functional families, how these skills can be learned regardless of how you grew up, and practical steps to get started. Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles. 00:00 Introduction: What Functional Families Actually Look Like 02:31 Admitting When There Are Problems 03:51 Open Communication and Repair 04:37 Being Known Without Performance 05:17 Reliability and Dependability 05:57 Zero Abuse or Neglect 07:21 Unconditional Belonging 09:14 Small Actions You Can Start Today Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles. Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466 Join the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠ Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhit Follow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft ⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic Positivity⁠⁠ Learn more about ad choices. Visit podcast.choices.com/adchoices This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hello and welcome back to the calling on podcast. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. Today we are talking about something that I think is really important, especially for those of you that grew up in dysfunctional

families, and that is what does a functional family really look like? This episode will teach you exactly what happens in functional or healthy families and give you the tools to start creating your own functional family system. Now, if you like this episode, our subscription community, the Family Cycle Breakers Club, is where members can go to learn more about this. We have so many courses, worksheets, quizzes, articles, scripts inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club to help you build your most functional healthy family yet. We have things like boundary setting, how to communicate in a healthy way, how to repair after an argument, how to manage your emotions. We have a great Emotions 101 course. That's a course that I used to sell for like $350.

And now it is included in your membership to the Family Cycle Breakers Club. So if you would like to join and take your work from this episode even further, you can visit www.callinghome.com. So a lot of people assume that functional families don't have problems and that they're just kind of like smooth sailing all the time. But the truth is, is that every family has conflict, stress, moments of difficulty, crisis, chaos. Yes, some families have more than others. And sometimes it's hard to tell like what came first, chicken or the egg. Is that family functioning better simply because they've just had better luck, or are they functioning better because they're working at it? And sometimes it's a mix of both. The difference is, though, that these functional

healthier families know how to face those problems and move through them together. At their core, they are able to repair and try to do something different. And the good news is, is that no matter how you grew up, what kind of system you were raised in, these skills can be learned. And today I'm going to walk you through the hallmarks of functional families so that you can start creating them in your own life. Functional families admit when there are problems. On the other hand, dysfunctional families, you know this from me. They love to pretend. So the first thing functional families do, is admit when something isn't working or it isn't right. They don't hide from problems. They don't sweep them under the rug. Instead, they acknowledge them openly and look for solutions.

So this might look like calling a family meeting, which is a resource that we have for members inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club. I have an entire worksheet on how to structure your family meeting, what to talk about, et cetera. And someone might ask, how is everyone, feeling. How's the family working for everyone? What's going on here that's making us feel like we're always rushed and short with each other? These families also tend to create regular check-ins where each member has a voice. And this is, of course, easier to do when your kids are older. Sometimes if you have young children, you have to sort of speak for them and be like, you know what? They're having a lot of trouble sleeping where we seem to be having a lot more meltdowns lately, like what is going on? Problems

in these families are not seen as someone's fault, but as a challenge that the whole family can work through together. Functional families also have open communication and they repair. So this means that they create an environment where people can express how they feel openly without fear of retribution, punishment, criticism, being mocked or attacked. And in these families, you might hear statements like, I see that I hurt you, how you feel matters to me. I'm sorry, I'm going to try to do better. These words build trust and they show that mistakes don't end relationships. These are just opportunities for connection and repair. Another marker of functional families is a strong sense of trust and comfort. So,

members of these families know that home is a place where they can feel safe and understood and where they don't have to really like explain every little thing about themselves to feel accepted. They are accepted and loved and understood for who they are and the people around them want to get to know them and want to develop a trusting relationship with them. There's this feeling of belonging and being known without having to perform. form for love and acceptance. Functional families also can count on each other. There is a culture of reliability and dependability. Words and actions line up in these families. So if someone makes a promise, they do their best to follow through. And if they can't follow through, they explain why.

The caregivers in these families are especially reliable. They try as hard as they can to show up physically and emotionally. Now, of course, things can get in the way like illness, hardship, job loss, but even then, the intention is consistency and dependability. Functional families also have no abuse and no neglect. This is the one non-negotiable in functional families. They do not tolerate physical or emotional abuse. There's no room for it. There's no room for manipulation, intimidation, or violence. A family cannot truly be functional without safety. Functional families also have healthy rules and they make space for growth. So those rules are developmentally appropriate and they change throughout the life cycle. I recently did an episode

with Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart and that episode is going to come out on October 28th and it's all parenting teens and being a teen in a dysfunctional family. And we talk a lot about how parents need to learn to change their parenting throughout the life cycle with their child. And in healthy functional families, this is what happens. Young children are protected and guided. But as the kids grow, the rules adapt. And parents are more interested in creating a culture where everyone thrives, gets their needs met, and is learning and growing into an independent adult, they're more concerned with that than they are with having control and authority and dominance over their children. The family ultimately allows the people in its orbit to grow into their

own unique selves while keeping them safe. In functional families, people are also allowed to be who they are. So their interests, identities, and choices are respected. Of course, as long as they don't threaten other's safety or their own safety and well-being. You shouldn't lose your family for being yourself. Belonging is unconditional in these families, and it's not something that you need to earn by being perfect or agreeable. So now let's put all that together. When you think about these functional healthy families, you'll probably notice a pattern here. There's trust, safety, communication, and growth. Nothing about perfection. It's just about being able to repair, adapt, and keep showing up for one another and trying again and allowing the family to be dynamic

over time. If you're listening to this and thinking like, gosh, that doesn't sound like my family growing up or maybe that doesn't sound like my family today. It doesn't sound like the family I'm building. You're not alone in that. These are like the most common thoughts I think of people who listen to this show and are members at the Family Cycle Breakers Club. And it doesn't mean that you can't build a different type of family for yourself now. This is something I'm so passionate about. And honestly, it's why I started the show and why I continue doing the show is that I want you to know that it's never too late and you can always do something different and that the people around you will be so grateful and so thankful that you did. So I want you to think about starting

very small with this. Maybe this week you practice apologizing or admitting when you're wrong or you make some space to ask someone you love like, how are you really doing or what was that like? How was your day, putting your phone away, sitting and really listening to that, and remembering that small, consistent actions are what create a functional family culture. It doesn't have to be this overnight upheaval all at once. If I was going to start with one thing that I needed to have in place before I could make my family more functional, it would be that abuse piece. You cannot be in a functional family where there is physical or emotional abuse. So whatever that looks like in your family, that's something that really needs to be dealt with first, whether that's through

therapy, getting help, separating, whatever it is to not expose you and or your children to that. Then from there, you start building on these little actions every day. How can I weave in some more apologies, more accountability, more repair. How can I give the people in my family the space to share what's going on with them? And when they share with me, say, thank you so much for sharing that with me. That makes sense. I understand that. I'm really glad that we're talking about this. I want to work on it with you. And making that a reflex in the family is so important. I want to leave you with two questions here to ask yourself at the end of this episode. Which of these qualities already show up in your family or your relationships?

Can you think of any relationships in your life, whether that's blood-related or chosen family, friends at work, where you see these functional qualities? Because if you can notice those in any other relationship, you can do them in other places. And what is different about those relationships that allows you to embody those qualities that maybe you're not seeing in your other relationships? And then which of these things that I gave you in this episode could you start practicing today? What is one that feels like it would come most naturally?

It's easy for you to implement. It feels like it would make the biggest difference in your home. Functional families are not perfect. They're just committed to showing up, being honest, and loving each other in these real grounded ways. Before you go, I want to tell you about October at Calling Home. Calling Home is not just a podcast. It is an entire movement and community dedicated to helping you build better adult family relationships and helping you build a new family legacy. every month inside the family cycle breakers club our membership community we focus on a new topic

october is about illness disability and end of life care in dysfunctional or estranged families i just got done leading our first group for this topic we had about 29 people there there was so much action in the group and so much talking in both the chat and verbally that we didn't even have enough time to like get to everyone, which is such a bummer, but we talked about so many amazing things. I mean, we were talking about always being the one to pick up everything and take care of everyone, how illness changes people, both mentally and physically and grieving that, talking about siblings that are sick and being the glass child, doubting family members that are ill and thinking maybe they're being manipulative or exaggerating. And then also you being the one

that's being accused of being manipulative or dramatic or exaggerating. We also talked about the identity of illness in a family and how people can hold on to that so tightly guilt and regret how family members withhold updates about health as a form of control and even family that's choosing not to get treatment or not working on their health. I love these groups. It's a great way for you to meet with me every one. week and really dive deeper into the topic. And if groups are not really your thing or you feel kind of hesitant about it, you also get weekly content drops, which are articles, worksheets,

videos and scripts every Monday delivered to your inbox on the current topic. And the content library is yours to keep forever as long as your membership is active. This really is a judgment-free community. It's a place where you'll never be told you must care for someone just because their family. And I know so many people today in the group said, like, I feel like I'm a monster or I can't believe I'm even saying this. Yet everyone in the room was nodding and being like, gosh, I've thought that too. So this month isn't about telling you what you should do. It's about helping you see what you can do and supporting you every step of the way. Thank you so much for tuning in today. If you found this episode helpful, please share with someone who's working

on building a healthier family. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It helps more people find the show. Thank you. And I will see you all again on Thursday. The calling home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist patient or other treatment relationship between you and Colin Coleman or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Colleyholm's terms of service linked in the show notes below.