CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Holiday Survival Plan For Dysfunctional Families

Episode Date: October 27, 2026

You have about four weeks until Thanksgiving. Many people spend them dreading it and then repeat last year's holiday all over again. Whitney responds to comments she got on Instagram about the hardest parts of the holidays. A handful of themes emerged including grief, other people's expectations, faking it, and watching everyone else's family. She also speaks to the parents and siblings who have been told "we're not coming this year."Spend the holidays with us at Calling Home!Use the code THREE at checkout to save 50% on your first month until 11:59 PM ET on November 1. : http://www.callinghome.co/holidaysWhitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club: https://callinghome.coFollow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmftOrder Whitney's book, Toxic Positivity: https://sitwithwhit.com/toxic-positivitySign up for updates on Whitney's new book: https://cmnyyv4kpyt.typeform.com/to/PHMzjy0oThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm back to the Calling Home Podcast. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. I know that it seems a little bit early to start talking about the holiday season, but it is the end of October. It's getting colder. Even in places like Florida where I live, I'm wearing a turtleneck. It's like 70 degrees outside. So that means that the holidays are coming. And I want you to be prepared this year. I want this to be the year. where you say, I actually feel like I had a really good time this holiday season. I actually feel like I saw people I wanted to see. I did some things that were enjoyable and not that there won't be stressors, there will, but that you're able to say to yourself, you know what? I actually handled that stress pretty well. And in the midst of all that, I enjoyed myself and I had some fun

as well. And I asked you all on Instagram what the hardest part of the holidays are. for you. And these are some of the responses that I got. Feeling more grief than magic. Missing my parents even though they are alive. Having to fake everything being great. The people I love know I don't have anywhere to go, but don't ever invite me to join them. Questioning whether the abuse is real or if I'm just being difficult. So you have about four weeks until Thanksgiving for those of you in the U.S. And I know what typically happens during those four weeks, and I think you know what typically happens to. You don't plan. You have a lot of dread.

You go back and forth in your head about where you're going, what you'll say, how long you're going to stay there, maybe over-commit yourself to plans. And then the day shows up. And you just do exactly the same thing that you did last year. And you feel the same way that you feel the same way that you feel. felt last year. Or maybe you're one of those people that does like the extreme opposite and still has a really terrible day because you didn't plan for what was going to happen. I went through every response that you sent me about what it feels like to go through the holiday season for you

with your dysfunctional or low effort or avoidant or difficult family relationships. And all the responses really fell into a handful of buckets. And so in this episode, I'm going to walk you through them and tell you what you can do about each of these feelings or situations. We're going to talk about grief, other people's expectations, faking it, watching everyone else's family, what to do about your kids, about your partner, and the feelings of guilt that might be associated with all of this. One note about this episode. If you are currently being abused or you've been abused by the people that you would be seeing and being around them puts you at risk, nothing in this episode is me trying to talk you in to going to places where you are going to be actively harm.

You do not need a plan for how to tolerate someone hurting you just because it's the holidays. This episode is for the other larger group of people with disappointing, dysfunctional, exhausting families where they're not really asking themselves, am I safe? But how do I get through this without losing myself? And again, while also maybe having a good time and enjoying the holidays myself in the process. And because we are really big on self-awareness and accountability here at calling home, if someone in your family has pulled back from the holidays this year or told you they're not coming, there's a chance you are the person being described in some of these responses, even if your intentions are good. I want you to try to listen from that side as well.

By the end of this episode, you will have a much better plan for the holidays, who you're seeing for how long, what you're going to say and what you're going to do with the days that are about your family. Before we get into it, I want you to know that this week only, the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home is on sale. This is the only sale we do all year. You save 50% on your first month, 1499 and the sale ends at 1159 p.m. Eastern time on November 1st. This will get you access to the next six months at Calling Home. November is Boundaries Month and then in December is going to be all about the holidays. So an expansion on this episode. In January, we're going to be talking about how to grow up and become an independent adult no matter what your childhood or your parents were like.

February is all about adult child and parent estrangement. And my book, The Parent You have comes out on February 16th. March is dedicated to my book. If you join now, you're going to get access to every single freebie associated with my book and the special groups, journaling, worksheets, all of that. So if you know you want to be a part of that, this is the time to join for cheaper. Go to callinghome.com backslash holidays. The link is in the show notes and use the code three at checkout. Okay, let's go ahead and get into it. The first theme a lot of you brought up, was that there's more grief than magic or celebration around the holidays. And we've talked so much about ambiguous loss and ambiguous grief on this show. But this is one of the most, like,

salient times when this comes up, that you're walking around sort of like in this sea of lights and Christmas trees and gifts thinking, oh my gosh, I should be happy. I should be feeling good about this. Why am I not feeling the magic and happiness of the season? Why am I feeling more grief? And some of you said things like, you know, missing my parents, even though they're alive, being alone and no one asking how I am, even though I'm estranged and alone. And I think that this is one of those times where like for some of you, there's going to be a lot more grief than there is holiday magic. And honestly, if you're having a year like that, And I've had years like that, you know, where it just wasn't the year where the holidays were going to feel the way that maybe they did other years. And I want you, I'm going to give you this permission.

I want you to give yourself this permission that, like, it's okay if this just isn't the year. Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves during the holiday season and you feel like I have to feel happy. I have to do the traditions. I have to do this. And if that helps you, great. do it. There can be a lot of healing power in that. But if you're feeling like, you know what, this year, it feels like so much work to try to get rid of this grief feeling I'm having, or it just feels overwhelming and all-encompassing. And honestly, I want to be sad this year

because my parent died, or it's my first year that I'm alone, or I'm going through a divorce, whatever it is, that I don't feel like I can fully rise to the expectation of, the holidays and I can do it next year and give yourself permission to feel like it not every year has to be spent in exactly the same way. Now, in our strange adult child groups, a lot of people around the holidays the past few years at calling home have brought up this feeling of like relief and grief existing at the same time. And I think this also plays into the losing the magic of the holiday season. There's a chance that for some of you, if this is your first year being estranged from your family and you know that it was the right choice. You feel relief and

protection and better in that sense. But you're also having this feeling of like, are they all getting together without me? Are they eating that meal that we usually eat? What is so-and-so talking about? Like, even if it was bad and you didn't love it feeling like, oh, I'm missing out, things are really different. That can be the grief that is happening in the space between I know this is what I need to do, and this is what I've always done. And so it feels weird not to do it this year, even if it's better. If this is your first season going through that, again, try to give yourself some compassion that like, this is new. It is going to feel weird and different and confusing because it is new. If you are someone who can relate to this part of the episode, you're dealing with a lot of

this grief. There are three things that I want you to try to plan for. And we're going to help you with this in November and December inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club. But plan the day, not just the absence. Okay. So if you are not doing anything holiday related, that's fine. But try to decide what you're going to do throughout the day. And it can be like, quote unquote, nothing. But thinking about am I going to lay around, am I going to go on a walk?

Am I going to call someone? What am I going to do when the day? when the day just feels like it's dragging on and I need to fill my time. And it might be that you want to sit inside your apartment, close the blinds, turn off the lights, watch a movie marathon and eat delivery food. That's still something. Just prepare something for yourself to look forward to and to have so that you know what you're doing that day. I also want to encourage those of you that know that you're going to be alone this year, especially if you are estranged or going through a divorce or separation to ask directly instead of waiting to be invited.

So can you say to someone close to you, I'm not seeing my family this year? Would you check on me on the 25th? Or is there room for one more? Or are you doing anything for the holidays? Would you like to do something with me? People often don't invite. Like I've been so guilty of this in my life because they assume that you have a plan. But then whenever I hear someone, and this is just kind of how my family holidays work, that there's a lot of people there that are not related to me and that have started coming over the years. But if I heard that someone didn't have anything to do, and I've done this before, but oh my gosh, please come over to our house or let's do something. And I think that a lot of times people don't want to make it weird. They're afraid of

of bringing it up, they assume that you have plans and they don't. So just call it out. If this is someone that loves you and cares about you, you know, if you're in a new city or going through something difficult, there are people that want to do this for you. The other thing I would recommend is that if you don't have people that you can ask and that you can't see that day, definitely schedule a call with somebody or like I said, ask them to check in on you, or find somewhere that you can go and volunteer. It's somewhere that you can go and show up and be around other people that are doing something good, serving food, giving out gifts,

cleaning up an area, look up something in your area where there's going to be a lot of people that day who are doing something just like you. And it can be so helpful to find a way to give back and connect with others in those moments when you're feeling really lonely. It's so powerful. And then I want you to try to build, one ritual that is yours, okay? It doesn't have to be festive or related to the holiday,

but, you know, saying, I'm going to go to a movie or I'm going to make this type of food that I've always wanted to make or try this new restaurant. And that can be your tradition this year. And you can see if you want to bring it back next year. The next theme so many of you brought up was other people's expectations and the actual plan. So there are a lot of planning issues around the holidays where they're conflicting interests. And a lot of you said things like, everyone expects us to be everywhere. Relatives not respecting boundaries. Repetative rudeness is exhausting. We're shamed for accommodating my autistic child's needs, people assuming I enjoy or want to do large gatherings. Many people felt like they just were expected to

kind of make everyone else happy on the holidays. And it was a really big, inconvenience for them. And this is where I want to say, like, you have to decide how much you want to prioritize others and how much you want to prioritize your own family this year during this season. So I'm going to give you an example. Last year on around Christmas, I was very pregnant with my third childs and I have two under two. I had a four-year-old. It was very stressful to go to a lot of different holidays. It required a lot of work and I was very tired. And I was dealing with some other things in my family that made me want to really show up and be a part of those events. Had I not been dealing with those circumstances, I may have wanted to say, you know what, I can't host this year.

I can't cook. I can't bring my kids to, you know, multiple different homes this year. It's not going to work out. But I decided that I wanted to prioritize the experience of a few other people in my family that year because I knew that it was important to me and to them. Now, those are people in my life that care a lot about me, make things easier for me, are very loving towards me, et cetera. So it's kind of a no-brainer where some of you have this feeling of like, I have to do everything all the time for this person and they never give me anything back. So when you're making this decision, I really see this as being like on a scale and you can titrate back and forth. Over here is like I am abandoning all of my own needs for this person at

completely my expense and it's really difficult for me and maybe for my family as a whole. This isn't just about you, but about your children and your spouse and the other people that you take care of. Over here is that I'm only focusing on myself. I am not considering anyone else's perspective about what it might be like for me to attend the holidays or not or whatever the factors are. And then there's the context of who you are in this moment. What stage of life are you in? How easy is it for you to be mobile and to go a lot of places at this time and then go somewhere else? Like factoring all of that in.

And then you need to move yourself along this scale to the point that feels right for you. And that point won't be the same every year. right? Like this holiday season, I'm not pregnant. I feel like I can do a million things that last year felt stressful to me. And what you're trying to also do, I think, is teach yourself and your family system that every year is different as a family. Every holiday is unique in its joys and in its pain. And when we allow ourselves to accept that this is constantly in motion, it's constantly in change, we can embrace the fact that this holiday will not be the same next year in its good ways and in its bad ways. And so what do we want to prioritize this year? If you have someone in your

family that is dying or is sick, you may want to totally forsake your needs to be around that person. If you have a child that really, you know, if they don't nap, it is awful for them. It's awful for you. You may need to prioritize their needs over eating dinner at 8 o'clock. block at a restaurant with your family and then being able to tolerate the disappointment that comes with that. So I'm going to present this scale in like a worksheet format for members in November when we're doing our boundaries module. But I want you to just think about that, you know, in your decision making. There are also when we're talking about plans, some decisions that I think you should get ahead of when it comes to logistics. So where you're going to

how long you're staying and where you're sleeping. And you and your partner, if you have a partner, need to be on the same page about this, you need to figure out what your kids need and discuss those things. I think announcing early and plainly is very effective. This is really useful if you have divorced parents or in-laws or a lot of people who want to see you of saying things like, we have made plans on Christmas Day. What would you like to do on Christmas? What would you like to do on Christmas Eve or another day. We are available and would love to do something with you. You can say, we are coming on Thursday from one to four. We're staying at this hotel. And don't turn it into a negotiation. If the person has feelings about it and they want to say like, oh, that's a bummer.

I would have loved for you guys to stay with us, but we understand why you need to stay at the hotel. That's fine. I don't think that's them, you know, violating a boundary or pushing back. Now, if they start saying, oh my God, I can't believe you'd stay at the hotel. You've ruined Christmas. What are we going to do? Your sister would never do that. Different story. Okay. So then I want you to pick your line for that pushback when it comes. Okay. You can say, I know that's not what you wanted, mom, but it's what we can do this year. We cannot wait to see you. And then you're just going to keep repeating some variation of that. I don't want you to get into like over explaining yourself because this is sometimes how people hedge you where you finally

just get worn down or you say, okay, fine, we'll sleep there one night and then we'll go to the hotel or, you know, whatever it is. It becomes a negotiation. Then I want you to think about what am I going to do when a line gets crossed? So if I start feeling super uncomfortable or someone has said something to me that is really awful in the moment, can I step outside, go for a drive, go back to the hotel for an hour, what would have to happen for me to like totally leave the holiday? That's obviously like the nuclear option. But you always have that if things got to be abusive or that chaotic where you felt like you don't want to be in that environment or it becomes unsafe. And then thinking about the recovery, this is something we're going to spend a lot of time on in

December and January inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club that the day after is, usually where you have that like come down, you don't feel great. It's very difficult, especially if you had a hard holiday, this is when those feelings are going to come up. And so if you know that that's going to happen or you're planning for a hard holiday, I would block that time off. Like, make sure you have something going on. I know after I, because I host a lot during, during the holidays, I always plan for like a massage or a lunch date or something like that in the first few days after the holiday so that I know I have that like period to take care of myself after maybe I have been giving to a lot of people.

Now also for anyone listening that maybe is neurodivergent or highly sensitive, I think that if you know that going to these environments where it's very chaotic, there's a lot of kids and people and food and smells and all that, you can get ahead of this by telling people, like, I might be going in and out of the room today. It's not about anyone. I want to be here. I just need to take breaks sometimes. And these modifications can make it so that you actually get to be there and enjoy the day. And getting ahead of it, I think, can stop people from sort of spying into this like, oh, they're being rude or they hated the food. or they didn't like being here and creating their own stories if you just say it plainly.

The next theme that a lot of you brought up was the idea of performing closeness around the holidays. This is a really big problem for dysfunctional families who treat the holidays a little bit like a show of like, look how normal and wonderful we are. And some of you said things like the forced happiness and forced closeness, like I wish I could be real about my struggle, performing family closeness and mental load of holiday magic, feeling like I have to exhaust myself to make everyone else happy. And I think a lot of people do this because being real feels like it'll ruin the holiday. You may have even been told, like, don't ruin the day. Why are you acting like this? It's the holidays. Can't we all just get along? You know,

I've seen people in the past share with me like I kept it together the whole day to try to make everything good for my family. They were so awful to each other all year and then I got in the car and cried for hours. And let's be honest, like, that's not what the holidays are supposed to be about. Okay. And so I want you to focus on, like, is there one person in your life that you don't have to perform for? Even if that's, like, a text thread you have with a person that you can talk to during dinner that day. Is there someone that you can bring with you? Is there someone that you can bring with you? that's going to be there that you can be real with. And try to be as much of yourself as possible and also realize that there might be people there that like, you just don't need to be yourself

with because it's not worth it. And it's okay to just be like, I'm just going to say hi, do pledges and trees with some of these people because I like hanging out with all these other people that are there. And if you're the one who needs everyone to be cheerful on the holidays, I know there's some of us out there. I have been this person before. Certainly, especially when I'm stressed, I think it's worth asking why someone feeling any other emotions on the holidays feels bad or like a failure.

You know, it's pretty normal not to feel the same thing all day long. And so give yourself and other people permission to do that. And that doesn't mean that anybody gets to come to the holidays and just like be terrible talking about normal appropriate feelings, where we do not take our feelings out on others. You also brought up everyone else's family a lot, and this is a big topic of conversation every year inside of our calling home roots. Some of you said seeing happy extended families on Christmas advertisements on TV and not having that anymore and feeling different from normal people. look, there are families that are really that close.

There are families who really actually do seem like they are like a hallmark family around the holidays. They exist. It's wonderful. I love it. There are also many people who are performing that and who just look that way on Instagram or it's a fake commercial. And that comparison is often just your grief showing up that you need to attend to.

You may not be actually jealous of their family. You're grieving the loss of yours and that you don't have that. And also maybe internally blaming yourself, like, oh, if I was X, Y, and Z way, maybe I would deserve having that family. But again, you guys hear me say this all the time. Sometimes this stuff is just luck. Okay. Sometimes those are just the people that family all lives in the same city. And, you know, they have money and they can put on a big holiday.

And like, it's not always something anybody did. Sometimes those families just faced less adversity over the course of the generations. I want to encourage you to flip the question around this year. And you may have seen that on my Instagram every Friday I've been sharing like families that were celebrating at calling home. And I always end it by saying, you may not have this, but you can build it. You can be this person. And so this year, instead of asking yourself, why don't I have that?

I want you to ask yourself, what do I want to build? What kind of family do I want to have around the holidays? And what role can I play in building that? The other theme that came up a lot was like other people in the family. So kids, partners, in-laws, we've started talking about this quite a bit in-law group that, you know, someone said, I am no contact with my in-laws, but my husband wants to see his parents and siblings. Or I feel on the fringe of my in-laws traditions and celebrations, being a permanent guest. in someone else's family is, there's a lot of grief involved in that, especially when you've lost your own family. I think it can be tremendously re-triggering to go through that with your own family and then experience it with your in-laws. Some of you are also co-parenting. And so

someone said not having my daughter with me because I have to share holidays with her dad. And that can be really, really difficult. These are the moments when I say, like, you can only control yourself and how you approach these extra relationships in your life. And so if your husband still wants to attend an event and you are no contact with them, how can you handle that? What would that be like for you to not go, for him to go, for you to go for a period of time? There's a lot of different ways to handle this. And the last theme I want to talk about that many of you mentioned was guilt and self-doubt. And so thinking about like, is it really? really that bad? Why am I skipping this holiday? You know, the doubt can really come up over this season,

especially when you have been estranged, you know, leading up to this moment. One of you said, I feel like a monster that I don't want to see them. And I think that you can feel this deep sense of like guilt and grief and disappointment. And a lot of you were raised in homes where if you didn't do what everyone else wanted you to do, you were the problem. And this is where you were, it gets so, so tricky because I think for some of you, experiencing that guilty feeling is something that you need to ignore. It is not something that actually is driving you to make a decision that is rooted in your values and what you want to actually do. And for others, it's a feeling that you may want to listen to of like, am I actually stronger this year? Could I handle it? Do I want to try?

Do I feel like this is a feeling that I'm having that might be more grief related or is the self-doubt actually that I feel like maybe this year could be different and I want to make an attempt. Again, this is a scale and you have to figure out where you land on that, but these feelings can mean different things in different situations. I also want to flip this lens real quick to people who have been on the receiving end of someone saying, I'm not coming for the holidays this year. And I think that the most effective thing you can do if you want them to come next year is to say, okay, we will miss you. The door is

always open. We love you. And we hope that you have a great holiday. And if this is someone that you're in contact with, they have not told you to absolutely not contact them, you could send them a message on that day. You could send them a picture or something that is encouraging and kind and just along the lines of like, we hope you're having a great day. You responding in this way to someone not attending is likely what will make them show up the next year or the year after that. That type of sentence will do more for you than guilt ever could. And they may not come this year, but they are more likely to make it next year, knowing that they are not going to be stepping into like the lion's den of guilt and shame

and blame for not being able to do it this year. If you're the one who's going to be alone this year, you don't have to wait to be invited. I hope that this episode will give you the confidence to ask someone around you. And if nobody comes through, build the day yourself and make it yours. If you're the one who's going and dreading it, I want you to use this episode to write the plan down this week, where how long your one line rebuttal to any pushback, you're smaller than leaving move, and what you're going to do the day

after. If you're the one who fakes it every year, I hope that you can pick one person that you're just going to be real and honest with this year. And if you're the parent or the sibling or the aunt who got told, we're not coming this year or we're leaving at three, the best. The best thing you can do is say, okay, we'll miss you. The door is always open. Then actually leave it that way. Two last things before I let you go. Remember that this week only, the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home, is on sale. It's the only sale we do all year. You can save 50%, which is 1499 off your first month. And it ends on Sunday, November 1st at 1159 p.m. Eastern time. December will be all about the holidays. January is how to grow up and become an

independent adult, no matter what your childhood or your parents were like. February is adult child and parent estrangement. And my book, The Parent You Have, comes out on February 16th. We will be dedicating the entire month of March to that and you will get so many cool freebies. I promise you, it is worth it to join for that. This week, you can join at calling home.co slash holidays. is in the show notes, use the code three at checkout. I will see you again on Thursday. Thank you so much to everyone who listened and has been leaving reviews lately. Please do not forget to like, subscribe, or leave a review on this episode.

I appreciate you and I will see you in a couple of days. Bye. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this,

please see Calling Holmes Terms of Service linked in the show notes below.