CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - How Not to Apologize

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

Most apologies aren’t great and sometimes even make things worse. If you've ever given or received an "I'm sorry" that left you feeling dissatisfied, Whitney walks through the three-part anatomy of an apology that will help get your relationship back on track.Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic PositivityThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back to the Calling Home podcast. I am so glad you're here. If you're new, this is the podcast where we talk about breaking cycles, healing family wounds, and becoming the person your younger self needed. This month, inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club, our membership community at Calling Home, we're diving deep into parental abandonment and rejection. And today's episode is all about something that sounds simple, but is actually really hard for a lot of people. And that is how to, apologize. Not the kind of apology where you just say sorry and move on or just try to end an argument. I'm talking about real emotionally mature apologies, the kind that actually repair relationships and build trust. Before we get into it, I want to remind you that if you're looking for deeper support during your process of breaking cycles, you can join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. It's a community of people just like you. who are doing this hard but amazing work of healing their family relationships and building a better family. Go to www.callinghome.com to learn more. All right, let's get into it.

Apologies matter way more than we think. And I think that a lot of people grew up being modeled this idea that apologizing or taking ownership means that you're weak or that everything is your fault and you did something wrong. But the problem is, is that insight alone will not repair your relationships. You can name the harm, identify patterns, say the right words, and sometimes the tension still doesn't lift. And that's because time does not heal all wounds. Accountability, real apologies, and behavioral change are what are actually going to move your relationship for, when possible. And I want you to remember that every real meaningful relationship will have ruptures and conflict and moments of difficulty. That is inevitable. And that's why I always kind of

fringe a little bit at people saying like our relationship was perfect before this. Nothing was wrong. We never fought. We never had any issues because we know that in real Lose, actually, connected relationships, those ruptures are going to happen. And they should. That's actually what brings you closer to people is having these cycles of being able to sustain conflict, have healthy conflict, repair, and get closer after that conflict. And what determines if a relationship survives isn't just how often the conflict happens, but how people are able to repair afterwards. And I think you'll actually find in some of the healthiest or closest, most bonded relationships that people say like, no, of course we have conflict. We argue about this. I know that

this is a point of tension for us. When this person does X, it's really hard for me. But we are able to repair. And I know that this person is going to leave space for us to repair and that we can handle having those difficult conversations. And for those of you that do really want to fix things with someone, this is an important and challenging realization that without accountability, there cannot be repair. And without repair, there is no true closeness. So let me repeat that to you. Without accountability, there can be no repair. Without repair, there can be no true closeness. which means that in those relationships where you never argue, you never have conflict, it seems like everything is always good, is that closeness?

Or are you both or one of you making it impossible for there to be difficult conversation? So someone's always like swallowing how they feel. Or are you brushing everything under the rug and then little by little you're just performing that you're close? I mean, you don't actually feel close to this person because you don't feel safe. Okay. Before we get into a good apology, I want to break down what apologizing is not. And look at some examples of bad apologies.

If you haven't listened yet to my episode that I did at the end of January where I read letters from estranged parents to their adult children, there's some good examples that I break down in that episode about bad kind of instance. your apologies. An apology is not a fashion or just a quick, like, I'm sorry, to clear your conscience and move on. And it's not about trying to get rid of the discomfort as quickly as possible and get everything like under the rug. The apology is also not a way for you to regulate your own emotions. It's about attending to the other person. And

what they're experiencing, what they're going through, their feelings, and how you can repair this between the two of you. And sometimes things have gone wrong on both sides and both of you need to do that in these moments. Now, when apologies are used as sort of this, like, I'm doing it just to make myself feel better. I want to get this over with as quickly as possible. I'm ready to move on. Let's brush it under the rug. Let's seek like peace and closeness rather than conflict, like all this flowery language, it actually ends up being just another injury to your relationship. You're asking the hurt person to take care of you and help you with your shame rather than actively working on and attending to their pain. So when you say like this,

I'm sorry, can you please just forgive me? I love you. I want to move on. You're putting the ball in their court of like, please tell me this is okay. Tell me that we're fine. And I really need you to soothe me. I don't feel good about this, and I want that feeling to go away right now. And that doesn't feel like a real apology. If any of you have been on the receiving end of that, you can share in the comments or in a review of the podcast, like what that felt like for you, because I think everybody has kind of had that experience or been the one to do that, and it feels terrible.

An apology is also not just about self-blame. Sometimes people actually get way too into the apology. And again, this is a way of trying to get the other person to take care of you, right? So the person would be like, oh my gosh, I guess I'm just the worst mom ever. I can never do anything right. I get why you're always mad at me because I'm just terrible. I hate myself and they start crying. And then this is no longer an apology. It is that person's like therapy session and their moment to be taken care of. of by the offending party. And we all know that doesn't feel good at all. It's also not about being perfect.

Like, I think this is where, you know, I see a lot of people using like chat GPT and AI for apologies. And they come off so robotic. And I think this type of outsourcing and relationships is really dangerous because we're trying to just find the perfect words to get the other person to forgive us, rather than actually thinking about how can I get curious and connect to them as a human and share and be in this moment with them, we think that if we can just unlock the perfect phrasing, that all will be okay. An apology is also not a way to control how other people feel about you. I think right now, especially in the United States, in the way that our news cycle is going with everything related to the Epstein files, especially.

we're seeing a lot of people give these sort of like PR apologies of to me they just sound like I want you to understand that this is not who I am. I want you to see me in a different light. I am not apologizing for what I did or taking accountability. I'm actually saying like, no, no, no, no, no, don't look over there. Look over here. This is what I actually am. And you can, once you kind of understand these types of apologies and you see them, they become very glaringly obvious that this person actually has no real interest in repair. They're just trying to change a narrative, especially a public narrative. And people hire, you know, PR firms for tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars to help them graft these types of apologies. And while they can sometimes work in some of these, um, more distant relationships or parasycial relationships. They can be good at putting out fires and the news cycle moves on and everyone goes to the next thing. They're rarely, I think, successful long term in real actual connected relationships.

I'm going to give you a few examples of bad apologies and why they don't work. So number one, I said I was sorry, what more do you want? this is demanding closure without earning any of it. And it's implying that because I said the words I'm sorry, you're not allowed to ask anything else of me. You're not allowed to share any more feelings, not allowed to be hurt. You need to forgive me. I said, I'm sorry. Now give me back what I want in return. I didn't mean it. You're taking it the wrong way. Again, This is really centering intention over impact. And yes, of course, intention matters some.

You guys are always going to hear me say that. But when you are apologizing, it's important not to shift all the blame to the hurt person of like, you just took it the wrong way. Instead, we have to step back and say, is there a way I could have said this differently? Was there something about how I approached this and said it that didn't land well or that could have been hurtful. Is it really just like, did I really not mean it? Then why did I say it? Because sometimes things come out of our mouths and we're like, oh, whoa, whoa, that's not what I meant. But sometimes we're just reacting to the fact that the other person took what we were saying for

its actual meaning. And now we're seeing the consequences. And it's like, oh, no, no, no, I didn't mean to say that you're taking it the wrong way. We talked about this one a little bit. I guess I'm just a terrible person. So that again is not an apology. It's self-pity that's making the other person comfort you. Fine, I'm sorry. It's very dismissive. It's insincere. It's no wonder the person on the receiving end doesn't find it to be a solid apology

or something that they actually want to forgive or engage in. Can we just move on? I'm sorry. Again, centering you and your discomfort. I want to get past this. I don't like how it feels. and you're just like trying to rush past the pain in that moment. You just, again, want to get it over with.

I'm sorry for whatever I did. This is a big one. It shows that you have no understanding of what happened. You're not able to articulate specifically what you did, the impact that it had on that person and what you're going to do differently. You're just rushing through it and almost like you want the other person to just be like, okay, they're sorry for whatever they did. well, if you don't know what you did, how are you going to do anything different or fix it?

And the last one, I wouldn't have yelled at you if you didn't leave such a mess. So again, this is an excuse disguised as an explanation or a pseudo apology, but there's no apology in here. It's, again, putting the onus of responsibility on the victim or the person who was wronged in this situation. And the other person is saying, like, I had no control over my behavior. You incited this, you made this happen, which we all know is not an apology. Now let's break down the anatomy of a real apology.

Okay, so emotionally mature, real, like, solid, good apologies contain three parts. I'm going to break these down. The first one is ownership. That's an acknowledgement. Then we have the impact, which shows empathy and repair, which is the behavior change. So the first ingredient, when you show ownership, you acknowledge what happened. You're naming what happened without minimizing or justifying it. You communicate that you see the other person's pain clearly.

I can see how that was cruel. Here you're going to acknowledge what happened. I yelled. I said blank. I understand that blank was hurtful to you. I hear what you're saying. When I said X, it was mean. Like really just plainly stating that you're hearing the other person and you're

acknowledging it. You're taking ownership of what happened. Now, sometimes people get really good at this and they can take ownership of it before the person has even called them out on it. I don't want you to think that it takes someone saying, hey, you hurt me for you to engage in this step. I can think of times where maybe I was short with someone and then I say, oh, wow, I don't like the way that came out. I imagine that, like, I think that sounded hurtful or rude. And honestly, I didn't sleep well tonight and last night and I shouldn't

have spoken to you that way. Like really just kind of running through this because you catch yourself before someone even confronts you about it. So it can go that way as well. You're going to really focus on impact here before you try to over explain your intent. Okay. Now, when we talk about impact and showing empathy, this is just you demonstrating that you understand how your actions affected the other person, how it affected their safety, how they feel about themselves, their relationship with you, their self-worth, whatever it is. You're going to value. You're going to validate their pain without attempting to control the outcome. So instead of saying, yeah, I get that that hurt you, but can you forgive me? You're going to instead say that was hurtful.

I can see why you were hurt. What I said was unkind. It was a hurtful thing to say. I should not have yelled at you. Yelling is scary. Like you can just call this out for what it is. we don't have to like super super overcomplicate it, right? And then you are acknowledging their experience of the harm. Okay. So really even allowing them to tell you how it felt for them. I think this is really important, especially if someone is upset and you don't understand. Don't try to illustrate and take ownership of your impact if you have no idea what your impact was.

it's best to ask the other person or to let them share versus trying to make up what the impact was or make an assumption about it and then get upset when you're wrong or the other person doesn't accept the empathy that you are showing them. And then that last one is repair and behavioral change. I think this is such an important one and this is the one that a lot of people miss, right? So you need to have a consistent observable shift in behavior. This is your way of showing people things will be different through effort and not just words. So the example about yelling whenever you come into the house and whenever something isn't the way that you like it and the other person is like, I really don't like when you yell.

It's scary. It's very overwhelming. It disregulates me. And I don't want to live in a house with someone that is yelling all the time. And this is where you would say something like, you're right. it's not good for me to yell in front of the kids all the time when I get home from work. I can see how that would be really disruptive for all of you. I am going to try to do these three things so that I don't come into the house so

like amped up and on edge after work and whatever that is. Maybe you're going to start listening to certain music in the car. You're going to go to therapy. You're going to work out after work. Like you're going to leave the room when you feel that yelling like sensation coming over. you. You're going to allow your partner to kind of tap you and be like, hey, do you need to take a second when they see the signs of you yelling coming on? Okay. But you're going to come up with some type of action plan. And this isn't going to be perfect. You're going to slip back into old

behavior from time to time. We all do that. But it's about catching yourself quicker and quicker each time and actively showing that you're trying to get better at it. And the apology and the change, at least the attempt at change, must come together. Because words without any behavioral change feel extremely hollow. And just having the same behavior over time without acknowledging it feels like you're really trying to evade any type of accountability or even closeness in this relationship. And when you do that repeatedly over time, people stop believing you. They may not want to be in a relationship with you.

They avoid you and they certainly do not feel safe and close to you. Let's talk about some examples of good apologies and I'll tell you why they were good. So I raised my voice earlier and I shouldn't have done that. I was frustrated and I took it out on you. I'm sorry for that. I want to talk about this again tonight when I'm calmer. So here we're acknowledging what you did, the impact, what was happening for you, your experience, an apology is in there and I'm sorry, which is nice. And then an acknowledgement

of how we're going to work on this later with a specific time. That's a good thing to do when it's available to you. I've been really shut down lately and I can see how that made you feel rejected. You didn't do anything wrong. I've just been struggling to stay present. I want to work on being more emotionally available for you after work. Okay, so this person is acknowledging the experience of the other person that they've been shut down and they can see how that would make the other person feel rejected. They're also helping them understand that this isn't about them, even if it has had an impact on them and what they've been struggling with. They're showing good intent that they want to work on this. The only thing I would add to this is them having a further

conversation about like what that's going to look like in action. I told you I would follow through and I didn't. I understand why you're upset. I'm sorry for breaking that trust and I'm going to work on being more reliable. So again, here I said I would do this. I didn't. I can see how this had this impact on you. I want to work on X.

And again, this is where you would move into talking about what that work would actually look like. When you shared how you felt, I got defensive and I made it about me instead of listening. I can see how that hurt you. I'm sorry for making it harder to talk to me. I want to understand you better. Great one of reflecting, showing what you did, what was going on in that moment, validating how that could have led to that outcome, and showing that they want to do something different in the relationship. I gave advice you didn't ask for, and I can tell it came off as controlling. I was anxious in trying to help, and I overstepped. So again, here, showing what happened, taking ownership of the impact, sharing some of their

intent of and why they think it happened, not in an excuse way, but showing what they were trying to do, and then plainly stating, I overstepped. I know I was trying to do a good thing maybe because I was anxious. and I was trying to help, and I still see how it impacted you. Now, when I read all of this, I think it makes apologizing sound really simple because we're just talking about the behavior and like these words that you're supposed to say. But apologizing is hard for a lot of people. And there are even moments for me where I'm like, I don't want to apologize for that,

you know, because it's so mixed up with like our past and shame and our history. and how we feel about ourselves. And it's not just this surface stuff that we're talking about. So much gets triggered when we hurt others and we need to be accountable and apologize. And so for a lot of people, shame really gets in the way. Apologizing might have been this thing that was punished. I mentioned that at the beginning of the episode. It wasn't modeled.

Or it was associated with danger, humiliation, loss of love. You may have never even seen anyone around. you apologize before or maybe even been told that you should never apologize and that nothing is your fault. I mean, these things are said both explicitly and implicitly in families all the time. People who have low self-worth and very fragile egos also struggle with apologizing because it's very hard for them to admit when they were wrong. And so they would rather lose everything than admit that they made a mistake. It's too difficult for them. They do not have the self-concept and the self-esteem to withstand what that feels like. For many people, they also cannot separate their actions

from who they are as a person. And so this is where the shame piece comes in again, that if I think that I am my mistakes, I am everything that I do, I see myself in this very black and white way, then if I did something bad, I am bad. And I may have even been told that, right? And I think that's woven in to a lot of different religions and cultural backgrounds that you grow up with these teachings that if you do X, you are bad. And that badness is something that you have to eradicate or that will be with you forever, you know, depending on the school of thought. And that can stick with you and make you feel like you absolutely cannot take on any of these actions because then you are going to be bad and you cannot sit with that reality.

Some people are also just very uncomfortable with emotions and we talked about how apologizing and taking accountability can bring up some very complicated emotions. It can make you feel sadness, anger, shame, discomfort, whatever it is. And people who do not have the skill set to tolerate those emotions will really, really struggle with that. There's also this idea of people in positions of power not needing to apologize. So kind of that like mother, father knows best. I am the parent, therefore I am never wrong. I talk about this a lot when it comes to adult child and parent relationships, that when you rest on that belief, it really means that apologizing, is seen as a weakness or like you are losing a position of authority. And that can be something that

a lot of people really, really want to avoid. There's also the idea, and I talk about this a lot with parents who can't apologize, that they just don't believe that they're wrong. And so they don't see a need for any apology or accountability because they feel fully justified in what they did, even if it was harmful to you. And that's something we have to accept sometimes. is that there are some people that do not want to admit they were wrong. They don't want to apologize. They don't want to take accountability. And we're not going to get that from them. Whether you feel it's deserved or warranted, it's just not going to happen. We also have to understand that an apology that includes behavior change is very difficult for a lot of people.

And if they are unwilling to change, they're not going to apologize or to. take accountability because then they cannot be held to a new standard. If I admit fault and there is an expectation that I will change something about myself, I'm going to have to do that work. And so if I don't apologize and I don't take accountability, then I can't do the work, right? Now, I want to speak to people who feel stuck and who feel like they don't need to apologize or who are maybe listing things. Yeah, but I don't have anything to apologize for. If I did, I would follow these instructions. I think it's important to step back and ask yourself, have I truly named what I did without blaming any circumstances? Just saying, I did X. And do I have the capacity to hold the

comfort of their pain without rushing to make it disappear? Or is that something that I'm really avoiding here when I say I have nothing to be sorry for? Have I learned anything different about this person's experience? You know, am I so focused on my intentions rather than my impact? and what is this going to cost me if I'm so much more focused on being right than maybe being connected to this person and being curious about their experience. One of the other really challenging things about apologizing is that it doesn't guarantee forgiveness. And I think some people don't want to apologize unless they know that they are going to get

something good out of this in the end, that they're going to get a relationship. or closeness. But giving someone an apology doesn't always mean that they are going to reconcile with you or they're going to forgive. You can't control whether someone accepts your apology, but you can decide how you want to show up. And I think this is the thing about using like AI and stuff to create apologies is again, we get stuck in this like, we think it's an algorithm that like I can just input the perfect words into the situation. and this person's going to hear it, it's going to unlock forgiveness, and then we're going to go on our merry way. Sometimes that happens, but sometimes it doesn't because the damage that has been

done is just way, way too much. But being emotionally mature means knowing, you know, where your accountability ends and where your influence ends, you cannot be responsible for how they interpret even the best apology or how they choose to move forward. And we can't control how long someone needs to sit with our apology. So if you've reflected, listened, apologize and change your behavior, that might be where it ends. And maybe the person comes back to you one day and they're able to have a relationship. Maybe they don't. But that's why you don't do this just to get that result. You do it because it's in line with your values. It's what you want to do. You want to make amends and you want to repair regardless of what the other person does. And I think when we're talking about

big relationship riffs, I hear this from some estranged adult children, like, you can feel the difference in an apology where someone is really just so focused on creating a certain outcome versus it being like a genuine desire to help the other person feel like you, understand and empathize and take accountability for your behavior. Now, if you're on the receiving end of the apology, you also don't have to forgive. Even the best most sincere apology might not be enough. I think you also don't have to accept an apology right away. You can wait and see if it turns into action or something further down the liner if you get more comfortable, especially if you've been let down by this person a lot of times or this is a very egregious type of boundary violation or

slight. Some people, they don't get the chance to have another relationship with you. You might forgive them, but you may not engage in another relationship with them. And I think you have to really pay attention to how you feel after the apology. Do you feel understood? Is there a genuine effort. Do you feel like you have enough of like an infrastructure and support and foundation to give this person a chance? And are you being asked like to resume contact too quickly? Does this feel forced or pushed? Because I think true repair doesn't feel rushed. It leaves room, you know, for the time that it takes to rebuild trust, which if any of you have listened or read anything, that I've said about repair and reconciliation.

That's one of the biggest components is that it takes a lot of time, especially if there has been a longstanding rift or issue in the relationship. And when you hear a sincere apology, I think you're going to hear things like a heartfelt tone, understanding of the specific harm. There's plans to repair and improve. They explain without excusing everything. and it's followed by changed behavior. And a lot of times that changed behavior happens over the course of even years,

especially if the harmful behavior has been happening for a long time. And if you're only hearing like, I'm sorry, you know, or any of those bad apology examples with no real change, then it makes sense why you don't feel very trusting about this situation. Apologies can come with a lot of fear. of rejection and vulnerability. And so if you are working on being better at apologizing and working on being more accountable, I want you to think of accountability as a practice. It's not an isolated event. It's something that you refine and get better at through repetition.

It's going to look different in different relationships and it's going to be harder in some and easier than others. You might find that it's very easy for you to take accountability at work but it's harder for you to do in your marriage or vice versa. But every time that you repair or you show accountability and understanding, you are telling yourself and your nervous system that your relationship can survive imperfection. And every time you say something like, I made a mistake. That was wrong.

You are proving to yourself and others that you can face reality and you can survive that discomfort. It's not going to kill you. You don't have to keep hiding behind defensiveness and shame for your entire life as a way to keep yourself safe that actually isn't keeping you safe at all. It's also important to remember that accountability and self-respect go hand in hand. So taking responsibility without collapsing into shame or guilt or self-hatred is a way to also show yourself respect and show others that like I respect myself enough to know that I need to learn and grow and change and that that is important for me as a person, not just in my relationships. And you will develop more confidence in yourself, the more that you practice this.

And this repair is a lifelong, ongoing practice that you do daily in so many domains of your life. It's not something that happens one time and then you're good at it and you move on. And that's true for me and it's true for you. The last thing I want to say before we wrap up this episode on apologies is that accountability is your willingness to see yourself and your role in your life clearly. When you're practicing accountability, you are living in alignment with your values and recognizing when you fall short. So I want you to stop seeing accountability and apologizing as a punishment, but instead as a form of empowerment.

Because when people can't take accountability, they don't have good relationships. Every disagreement for them becomes a power struggle. It's a situation where they have to kind of give up parts of themselves or hurt the other people around them, and trust erodes over time. When you are someone that is so inconsistent, can't admit when they were wrong, who sometimes is able to, but then never changes. People don't trust you anymore. And they may not want to have close relationships with you.

They don't want to tell you things or share vulnerable details because you have not been reliable when it comes to accountability. And so if you truly want to have the highest outcome of reconciling with someone, the other person needs to feel like the harm has been genuinely acknowledged and that meaningful change has occurred. And you can take everything that you've learned in this episode to help yourself and the people in your life feel that way. And I think these are tools that you can use in your relationships, romantic relationships, friendships with your children, your parents, and the workplace, and just out in the community. I hope that this episode gave you something to think about, whether you're working up the courage to apologize to someone or you're sitting with the pain and wondering if an apology you received was real or if you're ever going to receive an apology. If you take away anything from this episode, I want you to remember that apologizing like an emotionally mature person is not about being perfect or saying the right thing. It's about staying accountable,

grounded, and honest. You have to turn towards the people that you love with openness, humility, and curiosity instead of total defensiveness and shame. And whether or not, reconciliation happens in the form of a new connected relationship, you can move forward with the piece of knowing that you showed up with integrity and in line with your values. If you want to go deeper on this month's topic of parental abandonment and rejection, we are about to wrap up the month of February, which means there are four weeks of worksheets, articles, videos, scripts, to help you say things exactly like what we went over in this episode, therapy guides, book recommendations, and you also get access to our private, confidential discussion boards and unlimited support groups

with our community members and licensed therapists. You can find out more and join at callinghome.com. And before you go, this episode helped you. I'd really appreciate it if you could take a second to like, subscribe and leave a review. It helps others find this podcast and join our community. Thank you for being here. I will talk to you next time. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Collingholm's terms of service linked in the show notes below.

Thank you.