CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - How To Balance The Needs Of Your In-Laws, Your Parents, and Your Own Family

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

Balancing the needs of in-laws, parents, and your new family can be challenging, especially when merging families with different backgrounds and expectations. In this episode, Whitney discusses why open communication, clear boundaries, and empathy are key to maintaining balance. I Takeaways Balancing the needs of in-laws, parents, and your new family requires open communication and clear boundaries. Prioritize your immediate family while considering the needs of your extended family. Compromise and individual relationships with in-laws and parents can help navigate conflicts. Consider setting boundaries or distancing yourself in cases of abuse or harm Timeline 03:58: Negotiating Contrasting Dynamics and Tensions 06:18: Standing Up to Traditions and Family Norms 08:20: The Importance of Open Communication and Clear Boundaries 11:04: Deciding the Role of Your Extended Family 16:26: Seeking Professional Support and Setting Boundaries Connect You can join the Family Cyclebreakers Club at Calling Home here. To learn more about Whitney and her work, visit her website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. www.ca slash yamex. Hey, everyone, welcome back to a solo episode of The Calling Home Podcast. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman.

So today we're diving into something that I think comes up with a lot of family members when they decide to join two or more families. And that is how to balance the needs of your in-laws, your parents, and the family that you're creating. So let's go ahead and dive in. I have noticed that balancing the needs of your in-laws or your parents with those of your own family can be really challenging, especially when you are uniting families that come from different backgrounds and have different expectations. But I do think that a healthy balanced relationship is possible. when you have like the right approach and everyone is willing to collaborate.

And so a little disclaimer here is that what feels balanced for you may not feel balanced for others. And that's what makes this dynamic really challenging because when two families join together, they often feel like they have different ideas about what role the extended family or parents should play in their relationship. And so this is why it's so essential to have these discussions with your partner and agree on how you would like to include and involve your parents or in-laws in your life and in your marriage. And then these expectations really need to be communicated. And this is going to depend a lot on also how your in-laws or your parents show up in these relationships. You may not be starting with a blank slate

with both sides. And so you have to think about like what are some expectations and norms we can have for this side of the family and what might this side of the family struggle with or be able to do. So the reason that it's so hard to balance your new family and the family that you came from is because, like I said, every family has their own, like, unique culture and way of doing things. And one of the first issues that I see that comes up a lot with families is that there are different dynamics. And so your new family may have a its own set of expectations, traditions, and priorities, or you are a new family that is trying to establish its own unique way of doing things. And every family will have a different way of

operating in the world. And this is why it's so important to remain flexible and open to new ideas and ways of doing things. But then you also have your family of origin, which includes, you know, your parents, siblings, extended relatives, et cetera, that have established traditions or dynamics that you've been part of for your entire life. And negotiating these contrasting dynamics can create tension and uncertainty as you strive to meet the needs and expectations of both sides. And I think this can be really difficult for older generations who may feel comfortable doing things a certain way, and they're very uncomfortable with their position in the family

changing. And this is reminding me of like the whole Mother's Day debacle that broke out on TikTok where there was so much arguing among like new younger millennial Gen Z mothers and maybe boomer Gen X mothers about who got to be celebrated and who takes priority. And you can really see that there is kind of this like jockeying for certain roles in the family and who gets to have that power and control. Loyalty and obligations are also a big thing that tend to come up. And so when you feel torn between like the desire to prioritize your spouse and your children while maintaining solid connections with your parents, siblings, and extended family members, it can become really tricky to strike the right balance. And you may feel a lot of

of guilt, loyalty, and responsibility towards both sets of loved ones and you and your partner might be feeling this in different ways. And this can be really emotionally taxing and challenging. And your parents or in-laws may struggle with this too. And sometimes that leads to them using tactics like guilt or manipulation to shame you for choosing to prioritize your new family or maybe doing certain things with in-laws over your parents, etc. The other big issue that comes up is that time and resources are limited. And so you can only do so much to divide them between your new family and your family of origin and your in-laws. And this presents a significant set of challenges. You know, when it comes to holidays, birthdays, and special occasions, this is where

you'll see this dilemma get really highlighted and intensified because you may feel a lot of pressure or people might be pressuring you to split your time and attention between multiple family gatherings. And so deciding where to put your time and energy can lead to a lot of feelings of guilt, frustration and inadequacy because you're inevitably going to disappoint someone. And I think these are those moments where in-laws or parents may try to control the situation. by asserting their influence, right? And it can be really challenging to stand up to those longstanding traditions and family norms when you are limited on time and resources.

Another challenge that tends to come up when you're trying to balance everyone's needs, including your own, is differing perspectives on traditions, parenting, and other life events. And I think that many parents of adult children have, like, deeply entrenched beliefs about how things should be done. And it can feel almost impossible to shift those dynamics in some families. The adults may find themselves constantly disappointing their parents or their spouses may be blamed for changing them. And this just gets so complicated. And I think whenever this is happening in a family and you have someone that doesn't want any of the traditions to change or they want to keep things exactly how they are, they are constantly looking for someone to blame for

causing that change and to kind of put off some of the discomfort that they're experiencing on someone else instead of working on rectifying some of those feelings and thinking, you know, this is a hard time in life where things are changing for us and we can adjust and we can create new traditions and new ways of celebrating life events in our family. So now that we've covered some of the reasons why it's so hard to balance the needs of everyone. I want to give you some tips to help you balance your new family and the family that you came from. The first one is, of course, pretty obvious. And that's to try to prioritize open communication with everyone in the family that you can do this with. So effective communication is really the cornerstone of any solid

relationship. And it's great to have these open communication channels with your in-laws, your parents and your spouse so that you can understand each other's needs, expectations, and concerns, and when everyone's able to be honest, transparent, and empathetic in those interactions, things tend to flow a lot better. Problems come up when people do not convey their needs or their expectations, when they're passive about what they thought was going to happen or what they wanted to happen, or when they put blame on others without adequately conveying what they actually wanted to happen. So the communication really has to happen. None of us are mind readers and when we convey to one another what we want, what we need, what we're expecting.

The other person can let us know what they are able to do and provide us within that situation and then we can make adjustments as needed. But again, this type of communication requires that everybody wants to participate in this type of dynamic that is healthy. and honest and transparent, and that's not possible in every family. So you have to figure out what type of open communication works for you. The next thing that you really want to do is have clear boundaries. This is the best way to maintain balance and prevent misunderstanding. So you want to define boundaries about visits, financial support, decision making, and other aspects of your family's life and try to respect each other's boundaries while also asserting

your own when necessary. These boundaries really need to come up, I think, a lot between the couple when they're talking about their own parents and in-laws and deciding how they want to handle including or not including extended family in certain dynamics. A big problem that I see come up a lot is, you know, one spouse may go to their parents for help or advice or some type of involvement in their relationship without them talking to their spouse about it. And this really creates a lot of triangulation in this dynamic. And it ends up hurting the couple and really blurring the boundaries with that extended family. And so some of you are going to feel much more comfortable than others. Having your extended family, you know,

involved in your daily life or even living in your home or helping you make decisions, while others will want to have much more clearly defined and maybe separate identities between their nuclear family that they're forming right now and their extended family or their family of origin. Which brings me to the next tip, which is deciding what role your extended family will play. So it's important to honor and support your relationships with your in-laws and your parents, but your immediate family now, your spouse and or your children may need to take precedence in many situations. And so you're going to have to think about how you can make decisions that

prioritize the well-being and happiness of that family unit while also considering the needs of your extended family. And so this is again where I would sit down with your partner and discuss what kind of situations your parents or in-laws should be involved in. And when you need to keep this issue within your family. And we have a great worksheet and checklist on the calling home website under the in-laws content that will help you with that this month. You also want to make sure that you are allocating quality time that is your definition of balance between your in-laws, your parents, and your own family. And this requires a lot of planning and it requires you to figure out like how you're going to divide your time in a way

that makes sense. You can also, you know, decide if you're going to do weekly dinners, holiday gatherings, weekend outings, are they going to come and visit you? You're trying to make the most of your time together while considering your limits and your boundaries and the limits of the people that you're interacting with because what you do and how much time you spend with certain people in each parts of your family is going to depend on how they show up as well and how much you guys even enjoy spending time together. It's also important to really try to share responsibilities when it comes to this. So these dynamics can feel really overwhelming when you're doing it alone.

And I find that in most of the conversations I'm having, you know, anecdotally it's being reported to me that typically women are the ones doing this managing. And there was an article that came out recently, I believe it was in the New York Times, about kinkeeping, which is this idea that women are largely responsible for maintaining the relationships within a family. And you'll find that especially daughters-in-law often get blamed for not maintaining these family relationships. And so I want to encourage you to divide tasks like communication, planning visits, and managing

family obligations with your partner. and if you work as a team, you can lighten the load and support each other in needing everyone's needs. And it usually makes the most sense for each person to manage contact with their own family, but you can figure out how to do that for you. Another tip is, of course, to practice, you know, some empathy and understanding. And I know that this is hard in a lot of families. But see if you can seek to understand the perspective of your in-laws and your parents and your spouse, and when you have the ability to acknowledge each other's feelings and experiences, validate their perspective and express your own, that these dynamics can often get better. And remember that they're

complicated and tense for both of you a lot of the time. And hopefully your partner can be an ally during this, especially if things get challenging. And then of course, it's so important to try to seek compromise. I think it's inevitable that conflicts are going to arise when balancing the needs of multiple family members. And so when you're faced with disagreements, strive to find compromises that satisfy everyone who's involved. And it's important to try, you know, to meet halfway to reach kind of these like mutually beneficial solutions. And this doesn't mean that one side completely gives in to the other. And if, that's what's being asked of you, then that's not true compromise. That's just someone asking

you to do all the sacrificing. You can also foster individual relationships with your in-laws and with your parents. And so you can respect the individual relationships within your family dynamic. And if your spouse has a healthy relationship with one of their parents or both, you can encourage them to maintain a strong connection with them without you necessarily having the same relationship with them because it's a lot of people don't end up having the same relationship that they have with their parents with their in-laws because they simply haven't known them as long or they don't have that existing bond with them and that's okay. There are different ways to have a good relationship and they might not always be as close.

And then the last tip I have is, of course, you know, to consider professional support if it feels like these relationships are impossible to fix or they keep persisting. And a therapist can provide advice, mediation strategies. They can especially help facilitate these conversations between you and your partner to make these dynamics easier. The last thing, though, is that, you know, some of you might be hearing this and thinking this is never. going to work with my in-laws or with my parents, you know, some of these tips of like set boundaries and communicate well. Like I've tried all of that and it's not going to work. And that's where I want to say, not every family can stay connected. You know, if you try to prioritize open communications, setting boundaries, practicing empathy, you're navigating this with like grace and

good faith and you're ensuring that all the family members feel valued, respected and loved. And the relationships are still not getting better, then that's something to reflect on. You know, you might be in a family where your parents or in-laws continue to harm abuse, abuse, or neglect your emotions or they harm you physically. And you have to consider setting boundaries or distancing yourself from these relationships when necessary. And healthy family relationships are important for your new growing family, exposing your children or your spouse to abuse or anything harmful is not going to help your family get stronger. And so if you find that you are constantly being worn down by the issues in your extended family, you can try these

strategies consistently until you feel that nothing else can be done and that you have given it your best effort. All right. So thank you so much for listening to this episode of how to balance the needs of your in-laws, your parents, and your new family. And we'll be back next week with another episode. Thank you. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist patient or other treatment relationship between you and Collin Colm or Whitney Goodman.

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