CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - How To Set Boundaries With Grandparents

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

In this episode of the Calling On Podcast, Whitney discusses the importance of setting boundaries with grandparents. She’ll explain why grandparents may struggle with boundaries due to generational differences, cultural beliefs, or a lack of respect for their adult children's parenting styles. If you’re struggling with these types of relationships, Whitney will give you strategies for clear communication, finding compromise, and explain how positive reinforcement can help establish and maintain these boundaries. She’ll also provide scripts for setting boundaries and emphasizes the importance of prioritizing a child's safety.  Have a question for Whitney? Call Home at 866-225-5466.  Head over to cozyearth.com and use promo code "callinghome" for an exclusive 35% off. Click here to get “Toxic Positivity” on paperback.  Join Whitney’s Family Cycle Breakers Club for further support and discussion on family dynamics at CallingHome.co. Follow the Calling Home community on Instagram or TikTok.  Follow Whitney Goodman on Instagram or TikTok.  The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice or other medical advice or services, is not a substitute for advice from a qualified healthcare provider, and does not create any therapist-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home’s Terms of Service. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another solo episode of Calling Home Podcast. I'm your host Whitney Goodman, and today I am excited to be diving into another grandparents episode, how to set boundaries

with grandparents. We have been working on grandparent relationships inside the family cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home for the entire month. You may have heard the episode that came out on May 7th. That is about how grandchildren are not a do-over for parents of adult children. If you haven't listened to that one, definitely go do that after you listen to this one. And we now have three weeks of content up on the website all about grandparent relationships and our groups have been running all month. It's not too late to join us. If you'd like to join us for one more group or the content will be up on the site forever for any members that decide to join. So please visit callinghome.com to sign up for the Family Cycle Breakers Club.

And next month, we're going to be talking about if a family can be too close. We'll be talking about family emmeshment, emotional incest, adult children, acting as their parents or family members of therapists, and how that can impact the family relationships. So definitely get signed up if you're interested in joining us for those groups in June or for getting more information and resources on that topic. Today I'm going to be talking about why setting boundaries with grandparents is hard. And I'll go into some tips and some scripts. It's really important to remember, like as we're talking more and more about like the village and who is helping us with our children, that for some people, their child's grandparents are

a lifeline during the chaos of parenting. And others may struggle to welcome their parents and in-laws into their children's lives. So conflicts about boundaries and parenting practices may become routine in families where there is already dysfunction or when there are cultural, religious, and generational differences. Grandparents may have a difficult time with boundaries if they don't respect their son or their daughter-in-law or the co-parent or their adult child. They believe that they should be able to do whatever they want because of their title as grandparents and because they are an elder.

So kind of that like, my house, my rules type of parent. They believe the way they parented should be the way all parents parent, including their adult children, these may be parents or grandparents who are very threatened by new information and it makes them feel a sense of shame or guilt because something they did is now seen as harmful or something that shouldn't be done anymore. And they have not done the work to form a strong relationship with their adult child and are solely focused on their relationship with their grandchild. This can make them really struggle or have a difficult time with boundaries as well. So if you have a parent who has struggled with your boundaries, you may be wondering how

you can work with the grandparents in your life and get them to respect your way of doing things at home. And the best way to avoid communication breakdowns and feelings of resentment is to set healthy boundaries. And honestly, the sooner you set those boundaries, the better. So I'm going to give you some tips for setting boundaries with grandparents. And if you're a grandparent listening to this, I think you can also take a lot from this episode in hearing what it might sound like when your grandchild's parent is setting a boundary with you and kind of think about like how you would respond to that, how it would make you feel if you feel threatened by a particular boundary or way of them expressing themselves. That's something to take note of and to explore. But I want

to remember if you have someone in your life who absolutely will not listen or work with you, of course, these scripts may not work. They don't work with a lot of people. You have to use your discretion based on your unique relationships and history with this specific person or these people. So the first thing I want to remember, the first tip, is do not expect them to read your mind. You may find that your child's grandparents have a completely different narrative and view of the situation. They have their own expectations, their own beliefs, their own narrative that they've come up with. And you can't expect them to know exactly what you were thinking. So clearly state your expectations from the start and clarify them. Do not leave

anything up to interpretation. The next tip is to compromise when possible. And I know that this may be triggering for some of you that have very challenging relationships with your child's grandparents, but if you have a dynamic that isn't extreme, it can be very helpful to compromise when possible. If there are certain things that the grandparent really enjoys or looks forward to, can you release some of the control over that part of your child's life? Can you find a way? Can you find a way to include them that works for everyone. And there's a caveat here because I think a lot of grandparents who are not respecting boundaries may take what I just said and kind of weaponize it a little bit. I think that the compromise comes when there is a healthy relationship in place.

It's reminding me of like the whole Easter basket debacle that was going on online around Easter time where there were a lot of parents that were feeling threatened or upset by the grandparents really overstepping and doing these Easter baskets or gifts that were not asked for or were not discussed in advance. And I saw some signs in a lot of those stories that I listened to that those were relationships where there was already an existing power imbalance, power struggle. A lot of the adult children were used to being stepped on or criticized or overruled by their parents or their in-laws. And so this was just another example of that. When you feel like you have good communication and good levels of understanding with the grandparents, with your parents,

your in-laws, whoever it is, I think it's a lot easier to compromise because the compromise doesn't feel as threatening. So take with that what you will. But some situations do not allow for compromise and some situation shouldn't include compromise because that compromise is not safe, warranted, or deserved. So that's more for people who are not really in a difficult situation. I also suggest that you put things in writing or have a witness. As people age, it's a given that there's going to be some memory issues or maybe you have someone in your life that tends to twist what was said. I think it's essential to clearly state things in writing that can be reflected on later. You may also want a witness like your partner or another ally

or person that you have in the family when communicating with this person. And when it comes to communicating, I do think it's helpful to have each partner communicate with their parents when impossible. So you may have fewer issues if your partner communicates with their parents and you communicate with your parents. And I know that sometimes divorce or death or, you know, certain types of custody agreements make this impossible. But try to allow the other parent to communicate and arrange things with their parents as much as possible to minimize any miscommunication or incorrect blame. This is especially helpful in situations

where you feel like you get blamed for a lot of the things that maybe your partner is actually doing because they're coming from you. And sometimes parents will do that because they don't want to believe that their adult child is making those decisions and so it's easier to put it on someone else.

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It's super soft. The fabric is amazing. and they use special materials and weave. All their products also come with a 100-night sleep trial and a 10-year warranty, which is so amazing because you can actually make a commitment to this when you feel comfortable and you love the product. So if you want to incorporate something into your sleep and self-care routine,

I definitely recommend cozy earth, treat your mother, a mother you love, or yourself to the ultimate comfort and indulgence with cozy earth bedding and sleepwear. because you deserve it and she deserves it. The promo code is calling home C-A-L-L-I-N-G-H-O-M-E that's calling home all one word for 35% off at cozyEarth.com. The other thing that I suggest is like an old strategy that you use with kids of like catch them being good and this is something that I was supervisor had years ago used to always say to me. So if and when the

grandparent helps you out and abides by your boundaries, tell them. Positive reinforcement can go a long way when boundaries are being established. So don't be afraid to say like, oh, that was great, or I loved how you sent me pictures, or I love how you did this. That can be helpful. And then remember that parenting practices have changed. So it is okay if the grandparent respectfully, asks questions or wants to understand why you're doing something. How they ask this, of course, matters. There's a big difference between looking for clarity and dismissing your wishes, but use your discretion. I remember, you know, when I had my son, like, I was really fixated on, like, following a schedule and waking the baby up and, you know, feeding them on these

certain time intervals and that was something that a lot of older generations that were around me had not done or experienced and it was definitely a way of me managing my own anxiety but I had to kind of also explain like why I was doing that and where I got that information from and when people asked me kindly or compassionately you know oh or tell me why you're doing this thing or why is it helpful to have them sleep like this or why should I swaddle them this way like sometimes they're just curious. And when we feel inept in our own, like, parenting practices or decisions, we can get, like, highly defensive about those things and hear things in maybe a different way than they're coming out. And again, there is a big spectrum to this. There are some people that

are going to be saying these things to you that are clearly derogatory and critical or cruel. And then there are people who are just going to be curious. And you have to kind of look at your own situation and really examine what's going on and also ask people that you're close to, you know, is it me or did that kind of come across like this? Or am I being triggered? Do I seem sensitive right now? Because when you first have a child, you know, especially when your children are very young, there's a lot going on during that time. And it's normal to feel more sensitive or more on edge. So, you know, after clearly explaining yourself, if the person, doesn't get it or you just feel like they're kind of badgering you with questions.

It's okay to say this is what works for us and what we have decided to do as parents. So here are some scripts that you can use for setting boundaries with grandparents. And remember, I'm giving you these like very to the point vanilla therapy type of scripts. I always suggest that people take these, make them their own, say them in your tone, say them in how you normally communicate. You don't have to sound like a robot or like word for word copy what I'm saying. These are just good ingredients to have in those statements. So you can say things like, I appreciate your input. We decided this and I'll let you know if we need help in the future. Or thank you for the advice. I'll let you know when we decide. I know that is what you

did when you were younger. There's new information now and I don't really want to do that. with my own child. If you need to get more clear, you can say he goes to bed at seven and we can't stay later. And the final one is, I know you really care about him and want the best for him. I really appreciate that. We've decided that this is what is best for our family at this time. So you'll see a lot of these, you know, run the range of like just setting a boundary and cutting off the conversation to validating that the person is coming from a good place. if you genuinely feel that they are and that you appreciate it and this is what you've decided and even just letting the person know that you're not taking in new advice. And we do have

some content on the site under this grandparents module for May about dealing with unsolicited advice from grandparents. So that might be a helpful thing for you to check out if that resonates with you. The last thing I want to remind you of is that as always like prioritize safety. with your kid. Your child's safety is the most important thing here. And you need to look out for clear signs of emotional or physical abuse and neglect. If any of this happens, you will need stronger boundaries or limits. You may need to stop interacting with this person altogether. Your number one priority, always as a parent, I believe this, is keeping your child safe, whether that is from a stranger or a family member.

So I hope that you can utilize some of these skills to help you set any boundaries that you might need with grandparents and also just improve the communication that you have with one another. And if you're a grandparent that's realizing like, oh, man, I do have some difficulty with my adult child or their partner or co-parent setting boundaries with me, I hope that this gives you a little bit of clarity into like what your grandchild's parent might be trying to do and communicate and help you become a little bit better of a listener. We do have a couple of other articles on the site about how to really build a strong relationship with your adult

child so that you can have a better grandparent grandchild relationship. So definitely check that out. Again, all this content about grandparents will stay up in the family cycle breakers club at callinghome.co. And I hope to also see you next month for our topic on emmeshment. Thank you all so much for being here and have a great rest of your day. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice, or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified healthcare provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman.

For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.