CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - How To Support A Partner Who Has Issues With Their Parents

Starting point is 00:00:00 When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hello and welcome back to the calling on podcast. I'm here today with another solo episode. So we've uploaded now four weeks of content about in-law relationships and all of that is

Starting point is 00:00:44 going to stay on the site forever. So if you haven't joined, you can always go back and access that content. We have videos, articles, scripts, these podcast episodes, worksheets, really, everything you could need to tackle any of your in-law relationship issues and navigate them better with your partner, with your in-laws, or helping your partner navigate this with your own parents. It's all there waiting for you. Let's go ahead and dive into what we're going to be talking about today. This is my last episode about in-laws. And today I want to talk about how to support a partner who has issues with their parents. So it's really challenging when your partner's parents or your in-laws are not

Starting point is 00:01:34 treating your partner well. And you likely feel defensive, hurt, on guard. You want to protect them and you want to make sure that they aren't harmed further. And you're really coming into this family at a later stage. And it's likely that you're feeling, you know, triggered by your partner's parents, they may trigger your own childhood wounds. And I want to give you some ways to support your partner when they have a difficult or dysfunctional relationship with their own parents. So my first tip is try to be supportive and non-judgmental. And I know this is difficult because it's way easier for an outsider to recognize what is happening and label the problem. You may think you're being supportive by constantly tearing down.

Starting point is 00:02:26 your partner's parents or, you know, really like constantly pointing out things that are going on with them and being like, did you see that? I hate how they talk to you that way, etc. But this may be really stressful for your partner in reality. And so I want you to try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to understand their perspective on their relationship with their parents. And you can empathize with their experiences, acknowledge the real complexity of the family dynamics and the impact that those parental relationships can have on their overall well-being. And so you really just want to try to remain supportive and non-judgmental of their decisions while handling the situation. You can, of course, mention things to them, but you want to make

Starting point is 00:03:13 sure that it comes from a supportive and, again, non-judgmental place and that you're actively trying to help them, not trying to make, just make their parents look bad. trying to convince them of something. The second tip I have for you is to try to always seek understanding. And that means asking your partner clarifying questions about the situation. So you can try to focus on understanding their feelings about the situation and how you can be supportive. And I would do this really by asking them like, what was it like for you when that happened? How did that make you feel? Did it bother you when that? this happened. How can I help you if this happens again? And again, not attacking or disparaging what's

Starting point is 00:04:02 happening, but try to show them that you are their ally and that you want to support them. Which brings me to the next tip, which is support them in a way that is helpful for them. I think sometimes we get so caught up in supporting people how we think they should be supported or in the way that we want to support them that makes us feel good rather than actually listening to them. And so instead, I would ask your partner how they would like to be supported and really try to listen to their suggestions that allow them to be the expert on their experience and allow them to tell you how you should show up for them. And they may say at first, like, they don't know or they're not sure, and you can give them more opportunities to describe that to you or for you to bring it up

Starting point is 00:04:56 in the future. Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need for your sunny days delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered, but you can get a chicken parmesan delivered. A cabana? That's a no, but a banana, that's a yes.

Starting point is 00:05:11 A nice tan, sorry, nope. But a box fan, happily yes. A day of sunshine? No. A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you. you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and

Starting point is 00:05:24 select markets, product availability may vary by Regency app for details. The next thing that I want you to remember is that you are allowed to have your own boundaries. And so sometimes your partner will be willing to tolerate behavior from their parents that you're just not willing to tolerate, that you're not willing to be involved in or that you maybe don't want your children involved in or your other family members. And so you're allowed to set boundaries with that. You're allowed to set boundaries with abuse or in reasonable behavior with your in-laws. And you can explain to your partner, you know, it's totally fine if you feel comfortable with this, if you're okay with them yelling at you or insulting you, but I'm not. And so when they do that to me, this is going to be my

Starting point is 00:06:05 boundary or my reaction. This is how I'm going to handle that. And my fifth tip is to keep your own wounds in check. And I know this is hard because sometimes we respond in a certain way to our partner's issues because we're being triggered. Maybe this happened in your own family or it's something that you remember about someone that hurt you. And you want to make sure that you're working through your own stuff so you don't over or underreact to behavior that isn't about you or that you're maybe like personalizing a little bit too much when it's actually happening to and about. You also want to make sure that you're really listening to them. So try to be attentive and compassionate when your partner wants to talk

Starting point is 00:06:55 about their feelings, concerns, or experiences with their parents, you know, try to let them express themselves without judgment or interruption. If you come from a family where these things are not typical or where they're not happening, then you might have trouble really fully understanding what's going on in this dynamic or why it's such a big deal, especially with some of these more insidious things like emotional abuse or emotional manipulation that I find that it's hard for some people to recognize if they haven't been there or they don't think things are as big of a deal because they're missing the context. And so try to just listen and understand rather than saying like, oh, I don't think that's that or trying to argue

Starting point is 00:07:41 away their experience. Which also brings us to, you know, validating their experiences. So can you at least affirm their emotions, you know, and letting them know that it's okay to feel upset or frustrated or hurt by their interactions with their parents and reassure them that you're there to support them unconditionally. I think as partners, we of course want to have good relationships with our in-laws or we want our partner to have a good relationship with their parents. And so sometimes we can get stuck in this habit of being like they're fine, don't worry about it. It's not that big of a deal because we don't really want to deal with the downfall of this relationship not going well or what that might mean for

Starting point is 00:08:27 our family. And so we end up doing this thing, which is my next tip of we invalidate and minimize the experience as like a protective mechanism. And so you really want to avoid dismissing or minimizing your partner's feelings or experiences. with their parents, even if you may not fully understand or agree with their perspective. And so this is where you want to try to hold back from offering unsolicited advice or trying to fix their problems and instead focus on validating their emotions and providing a listening ear. And I have a section about family relationships in my book, Toxic Positivity, where I give a lot of suggestions about how to stop trying to offer that unsolicited advice or fix.

Starting point is 00:09:17 their problem and you can get my paperback. It's linked in the show notes. The other thing you want to do is make sure you respect their boundaries. So your partner is going to have different boundaries with their parents and that might include going no contact, limited contact, whatever it is. And I think you have to be really careful about pressuring them to reconcile or maintain contact if they're uncomfortable doing so and try to see if the two of you can help each other understand the decision, you know, regarding the level of involvement that they want to have with their parents. The other thing you can do is, you know, try to offer practical support if they're open to it. So I think it's always good to ask. Like, are you ready to get advice on this?

Starting point is 00:10:08 are here some things I was thinking about, and you can help them, you know, navigate this stuff logistically and come up with solutions that will help them have more positive interactions with their parents or less negative interactions. I think what's so important here is that these issues can be really tedious and, like, longstanding. And so patience is really important. And it's going to be so important that you are patient and understanding with your partner as they navigate their feelings about their parents. And healing from family issues takes a lot of time. It may involve a lot of setbacks, a lot of challenges, and you may find yourself thinking like, wow, we are still talking about this or we're still going

Starting point is 00:11:00 through this. And I think if you really want to be an ally, it's important to tell your partner, like, I'm here no matter what, and I'm going to listen to you and I'm going to help you through this. And I might set my own boundaries, but I understand that you are on your own path and going through your own process when it comes to this. And that's where it's also important to celebrate any progress or achievements that your partner has while they're working through these issues with their parents, because those positive changes can be really difficult to see when you're on the inside. And so even small things like not engaging with a angry, like, text that's trying to bait you into fighting could be something to be like, wow, I see how you did that. And

Starting point is 00:11:47 that was really awesome. And I know that that was probably very difficult for you. And the last thing I'll say is, you know, throughout this whole process, it's just really important that you continue to encourage your partner to share their thoughts and concerns with you and be, a place that they know they can go to to talk about this issue where they won't be judged or criticized because they're probably going to get that enough from other people. So if you are someone that is supporting a partner who has issues with their parents, I really hope that these tips and suggestions are helpful for you. Again, you can always go to www.callinghome.com and find four weeks of resources to help you with in-law relationships.

Starting point is 00:12:40 And once you become a member, you will always have access to those resources as long as your membership to the Family Cycle Breakers Club is active. As always, thank you for listening. Please don't forget to subscribe and lead the podcast review. I am so grateful for all of you that listen to this podcast every week. And I'll see you soon for another episode of Calling Home. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services.

Starting point is 00:13:14 It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Collingholm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below. You know, Oh, Oh, Oh. No.

CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - How To Support A Partner Who Has Issues With Their Parents

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.