CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - How to Take Care of Estranged and Distant Parents as They Age

Episode Date: June 17, 2025

What do you do when the person who needs care is someone who caused you significant harm? In this solo episode, I’m addressing what is probably one of the most dreaded dilemmas facing estranged adult children: how to navigate caring for aging parents. We’ll explore different types of care that are available for you to choose from and other complex emotional and practical considerations. Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles. Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466 Connect with Whitney ⁠Join the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠ Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhit Follow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft ⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic Positivity⁠ Learn more about ad choices. Visit ⁠podcast.choices.com/adchoices⁠ This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4. New four-piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small hot coffee, and more. Limited time only at participating Wendy's Taxes Extra. Hello, and welcome back to the Calling Home podcast. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. Thanks so much for listening or watching this wherever you are in the world. I am so excited to be back here today for a highly requested episode. Today, I'm going to be solo, and I'm going to be talking about taking care of, managing the health, dealing with death and dying when you have distant or estranged relationships with your parents. And so I want to start out by saying, this is not going to be the episode for people who have great relationships with their parents and feel like they owe them and want to take care of them. and that that is a gift.

This is going to be an episode for people who are very conflicted about whether they can help their parents or not. It's an episode for people who feel like they're now being forced to take care of someone that never took care of them. And this is an episode for people that may be exposing themselves to potentially more harm, abuse, or chaos in their lives. as they take care of their parents while they are aging. You are not alone if you are hitting the age where you have to take care of your parents.

And some of you have been parenting your parents for what feels like forever, especially if you were parentified, you had a parent who was dealing with persistent severe mental illness, addiction, or any other issue. that required you to become the adult in the relationship. And we've talked about parentification a lot before on this podcast. I have the free Parenthified Child Journal available on the website at callinghome.com. And we also have tons of podcast episodes about parenthification. And I know that for many of you that were parentified as young children, now that you're getting to this point where your parent is aging,

or getting sick or has become disabled, they need long-term care or health assistance, you might be feeling like, wow, I am getting put right back into my childhood, and that is not a good feeling. Today, around 53 million adults in the United States are caring for an aging relative, and a lot of those relatives are the parents. As we begin to live, live longer lives, you know, medical advancements have allowed us to reach older ages. That means that many of you will be part of this sandwich generation where you are taking care of parents while also raising your own children and being a lot of the time in the busiest season of your careers. And when you pair that with a very challenging economy, care being very expensive

living expenses being extremely high, it means that a lot of adults are having to provide hands-on care for their aging, ill, and disabled family members. And when you come from a healthy family, I think that it is so taboo or it feels wrong or cool to hear adults say, I don't want to take care of my parents as they age. I don't feel like I owe it to them. It's not something I want to do. And I think even for a lot of estranged adults that I work with, especially in our groups at Calling Home, this gets brought up a lot. This idea of like, what does it say about me if I don't care for my parent when they're sick? What are people going to say about me if I don't show up at their cancer treatment or I am, you know, not there to help them

with their medical bills, whatever it is. There is this deeply ingrained belief, I think, in basically every culture, certainly every main culture that we're talking about of where people come from in the United States, that you will take care of your family members when they are sick or when the age. What we do know is that there have been two studies done on estranged adults and their likelihood to care for their parents as they age. And what we do see is that these adults are less likely than their counterparts to show up and care for their parents when they're aging.

And I think that this comes as a surprise to a lot of these parents. This is highlighted in some of the research that a lot of the parents who were estranged from their adult children felt that when they got sick or when they needed their kids at the end of their life, they expected them to show up and be helpful and they're shocked when they don't. And I think that this speaks to like the greater divide that we find in this topic, right? That these parents think that like if something gets bad enough, they will forget everything else and they will show up.

And we find that that's not always the case with adults. with adults who are estranged from their parents. There's also a study that shows that when there was child maltreatment in the family, when the parent treated the child poorly, those adults are at higher risk of experiencing depression and anxiety when they do decide to take care of that parent in adulthood. Now, I know that everyone listening to this episode is coming to it from a different point in the process, right? So some of you might already be estranged. Some of you are in the thick of it, already caring for a parent that you were estranged from or had a distant relationship with. Some of you are even projecting well into the future. Like, what am I going to do if and when my parents starts to go downhill and how am I going to handle this? And so I want to bring up a couple of different options for types of care that you can provide as a way to explore the different avenues that might be possible

for you. Because I think what happens when we have these conversations is that it feels very all or nothing. It feels like you have to be the one at your parents' bedside, like with a rag on their face, physically taking care of them, having them move into their home, or you have zero contact with them. And I think that there's actually a lot of options along that spectrum that might feel better for different individuals. So the first type of care that I want to bring up is, of course, financial assistance. Now, this is not available to everybody, but it is something that I think that you can do with the least amount of involvement and the least amount of vulnerability. Right. So you can decide to pay for food.

pay for care, pay for a living facility, pay rent, pay some of the medical bills, like that can be the way that you show up for your parent. And when we look at who is most likely to care for a parent and how as the age, we actually find in a lot of the data that sons, male offspring are more likely to provide this type of like financial and logistical care where we find that daughters are more often expected to provide hands-on or emotional care for their parents as they age. So some of you might find that like financial resources are something that you have access to. You're able to provide and it's something that you can do from a distance while protecting yourself. If that is not something that feels good for you or is available to you, then you can move on to the next type that you

might be able to provide. The next thing is care coordination. And I find that this is a good one for adults that had very distant relationships with their parents. You can do things like scheduling doctor's appointments, scheduling the care that's coming to their home, figuring out logistics, making calls to doctors, insurance, paying for medical bills that they're paying for, but you are coordinating it, things like that that have a lot more of a logistical, like, managerial aspect to them versus like having to have this hands-on care or even interacting with your parent a lot. I find that some people are better at providing this type of care and it can make them feel like they're still doing something again without having to expose themselves or be really

vulnerable with their parent. So that might be something that feels good for you as well. There's also this concept of like remote oversight of what's going on with your parent. And in my process of interviewing people for my book interviewing a strange adult children and in the groups that I've run at calling home with a strange adult children, I have spoken to a lot of adults that have decided to take this approach. And this is what this entails. Your parent is likely living in a facility or they're living. living in a home where they have a caregiver or maybe a sibling is helping take care of them or another family member, a spouse on a day-to-day basis. But you are checking in by phone

and providing some type of care or support through text message, phone calls, interacting with their care staff. And you might do that without really visiting them or interacting with them very much. And so this can, again, take on a lot of shades of gray where you can see. say this is what I'm able to offer. I can check in once a week. I can send a text message. I can have this distant sort of like virtual caregiving relationship with my parent that for me feels in line with my values. It's something I want to provide. But I do not have to get too close to my parent or have a lot of contact with them that would expose me to further mistreatment or be very difficult for me to manage. And now, of course, the most expected and maybe like culturally prescribed

option here would be that you are providing hands-on care to your parent. And that might mean they're living with you. You are going to doctor's appointments with them. You are actively taking care of them. You're giving them their medication, checking up on them, going to their home regularly. You are the caregiver. And maybe you're doing a lot of those. other things that I talked about too, right? You are paying medical bills. You are contacting doctors. You're going with them to appointments, doing all the logistical care. There are people out there that are doing all of that. And I have met adults who were estranged from their parent for decades. And when the parent became ill or was dying, they moved in with that parent to take care

of them. I have also seen people who did not do any of the above. And so that's why I want to talk about this because I think that there is this sort of looming fear for a lot of people who do not have good relationships with their parents that, oh my gosh, what is going to happen when they get old and they're sick and they're dying? And how am I going to maintain this estrangement with that going on? And I think a lot of that is related to guilt, right? And this external guilt and shame of like, what does this say about me? What does this mean about me if I don't do this? And when you are feeling a conflict between like what is expected of you, what you actually want to give, what you're able to give, it is very distressing. And so I want you to know that

if you take away anything from this episode, it's that you get to decide what you are able and willing to provide. And not everyone is good at providing the same type of care. Not everybody is able and not everybody is willing. The other misconception that I want to address here that I think comes up a lot in these conversations. And I talked about this in my episode with Sam and Amanda from Nuance Needed is the idea that the providers that are interacting with your parent likely have

a very small and skewed perspective of your parent. And I get comments a lot from like hospice nurses, hospital staff, people who say they were a nurse that helped people on their deathbed, saying like these selfish adult kids never came and visited their parents. No one was there for them when they were on their deathbed. And the thing I want to say to that is that you have no idea what life someone lived before they landed in front of you. You have no idea how they treated people their entire life. You don't know about the things they said, the fights that happened in their home. All you know is how this person who pretty much depends on you probably for everything, who you are maybe giving medication to and helping is treating you in that moment. And some people

can be really nice in those moments and they can be really, really terrible. to everybody else in their life. And so if you're an adult child that is hearing some of these types of messages from the people around you about guilt and selfishness and all of that, I think you need to remember that nothing about this exists without the context of the greater relationship. And I bring this up whenever I talk about any topic is that we cannot look at this one thing my parent is sick and they are dying and they need me without the context of the rest of the relationship. Because that is what is influencing you in this moment. This is not like somebody that

you've had no other interactions with that suddenly needs you that you are just being like rejecting and cruel to. Now for those of you that are saying, you know what, I want to provide some type of care for my parent at the end of their life. And I have heard so many reasons for this, right? It's in line with their values. It's how they want to remember and see themselves. They're an only child and there's no one else to take care of their parent. And if they don't do it, they're going to have to essentially allow the state or the government to take care of their parent. And even though the relationship has been difficult, they're not willing to do that. For some people, it's that they feel guilty. And that's their reason for wanting to do it.

And I am never going to shame anyone for making either choice. Because I think all of you are making a decision that is based on your lived experience with this person, your bandwidth, and where you're at in your life. And that's the other thing to remember here is that. everyone has to do that cost-benefit analysis of if I go and do this, if I provide this type of care for my parents that I have a bad relationship with that I feel distant from, that I'm estranged from, who is continuing to be abusive to me, whatever the situation is, how is this going to affect the rest of my life? Is this going to harm my children? Is this going to hurt my marriage? Is it going to make it hard for me to earn a living? Whatever it is. I think all of those

things have to be included in your analysis because again, this is context and this is consequences for how you decide to manage this situation. Now, if you are someone that's making the decision to provide some type of care, whether that is financial, logistical, emotional support, caring for the person, in person, hands-on care, whatever it is, I think that you need to have a toolkit in place to help you manage triggers, activating situations, boundary violations, and emotions when they come up. Because while there are some situations where the parent becomes very different as they age, maybe they soften, they get a little bit nicer, there's also a lot of cases where we're talking about persistent mental illness, addiction-related illnesses,

someone having dementia or Alzheimer's, or a parent just becoming very aggressive and mean as they age because they're in pain and they're aging and they're not doing well and they're experiencing cognitive decline and that is hard. And so I want to encourage you to really develop some type of toolkit. And the first thing I think you should include in that toolkit is really a contract with yourself. Okay. So what are your boundaries? And I'm not talking about putting limits on your parent because if they are elderly and sick and going through something, we cannot expect them to have these boundary conversations with you and be like, okay, I won't say that to you. You need to go into this knowing that the way that this gets maintained in a healthy manner is on you.

And so are there things that you are unwilling to do because they would be so absolutely debilitating and difficult for you? Is it too hard for you to attend every doctor's appointment with your parent? Does that make you snap at your kids and does that make you depressed and anxious and have flashbacks and all of these things. If that's the case, you need to commit to yourself. I am able to take them to the doctor once a week. Or I can coordinate their doctor's appointments, but I have to find somebody else to take them.

Or I can send money and groceries for them, but I cannot take them to the grocery store. Because when I take them to the grocery store, they berate me and yell at me and, you know, they're having hallucinations and they're using substances, whatever it is that exists in your situation that makes this extremely difficult. And so I think what you have to focus on is what is this relationship usually like? What usually happens when I see my parent? How do they speak to me? How do they interact with me? How does it feel after I leave their presence? And then what can I do to make sure that I am able to continue providing this type of support to them because a lot of the time people go into this and they cannot sustain the care because there are no boundaries

and no guardrails around what they're providing. So first really creating some type of contract with yourself. These are the things I can do. These are the things I cannot do. Then I need you to really develop a good understanding of what you feel like when you have gone too far, when you have done too much, you've taken on too much, and it is really hurting you. What changes about your sleep? Do you start using substances or relying on coping mechanisms that are not healthy for you? How does it impact your relationships? And of course, of course, when you are helping anyone that you care about through illness, disability, et cetera, it's going to be hard. I have been there a lot of times and it wears you down.

And that's part of it, right? That's something that we do for people that we care about and we understand the consequences and we take care of ourselves in the process. So I'm not telling you that this is supposed to feel easy and fun. and light. But you do have to recognize when it's ruining you and when it's ruining your life to such a degree that it's going to be really hard to come out of it. And you're not going to be able to provide care for that person anymore. Because that is a consequence of this sometimes is that you don't take care of yourself. You don't have limits. And then you lose yourself

completely in the process. And then you really can't take care of yourself or them. So I want you to look at this not from the perspective of selfishness, but of actually trying to be the best caregiver you can be to yourself and to your parent or your family member. The other thing I want you to think about is what am I good at? What can I actually sustainably do long term? And so some of those original types of health that I listed of financial care, emotional care, logistical care, hands-on care. Think about what are you really good at? Are you someone that can listen to your parent vent and take that on every day? Are you better at doing logistics? Would it be best if you provided financial help? Thinking about where your skill set fits best can be very helpful. Also

thinking about your values and what makes you feel like you're being most helpful is important. So are you somebody that thinks emotional support is really important and it's something that you want to provide? Or are you someone that would much rather run errands, do logistics, things like that? And I don't want you to think about what have you been told is the most important way to help someone, what has been put on you because of your birth order in the family or your gender. I want you to think about what you actually want to do, care to do. and are able to provide. Now I want to move in to, I think, what is the most taboo part of this subject, is that

not all of you can or should take care of your parents when they are dying or sick. Because, one, some of them don't deserve it. If you are someone that was abused by your parent, they are the person that harmed you the most, they never took care of you. I never want you to feel like you have to all of the sudden become this person that just continues to take that in the name of being a good person. You don't. We wouldn't ask that of any other relationship. If someone abused you for 18 years and they were a stranger on the street, we would never sit, call you up when that person was seven, and say, hey, they have cancer, you need to come and take care of them now. It's insane.

We are not indebted and required to take care of the people who harmed us the most. Now, if your parents abused you and you want to help them and you want to care for them, I hope that you take what you heard in this episode to help you manage that in the way that's best for you. I do not apply any, like, moral judgment to any of these decisions. I just think that we need to be having a larger conversation about the expectations that we put on people when it comes to taking care of their parents, that they are often unable to meet and shouldn't be forced to meet. and if you are somebody that decides, I cannot take care of my parent as they die. And you feel like you're going to be judged for that.

There are some people that are going to project onto you. They just are because they can't imagine it. They didn't grow up in a family like that. They haven't spoken to people that are like that. they are incapable of putting themselves in other people's shoes and there are also people who feel like they're not allowed to make that choice and they are so deeply drowning in guilt and shame and servitude that they will put that on you and in order to stop themselves from feeling what they're feeling, they will make you somebody that is doing something bad. Okay. I also think

it's very important to point out here that sometimes the power differential really flips when a parent is sick, elderly, disabled. The adult child often becomes the one with more logistical and physical power. I don't think that that emotional power differential ever really fully flips. Your parent can be on their deathbed and still have extreme emotional power over you. But as the adults that is taking care of someone that is elderly or is in a position where they could be victimized, I think it's very important for adult children to not want to become their parents and not take that as an opportunity to do harm onto others. And so this is a moment where I think you have to be really honest with yourself of like, can I actually provide the care that this person needs?

I don't want to engage in elder abuse. I don't want there to be a situation where I am forcing someone to live in a situation where they cannot care for themselves and they are at risk of getting hurt or harming themselves. And so I need to find a way where I do not get further victimized by this person while also not harming someone else. And so sometimes if you feel like I can't provide this care, I'm not going to be able to do it because I can't be around this person. They keep harming me, whatever it is, you have to set something else up. And I think that this is true also for parents who can't take care of their children. You have to find a way to make sure that that person is safe. And that doesn't mean that you have to care for them. But if you can't do it, you have to

find somebody else that can't. And we want to make sure that we're not also engaging in anything that would be considered neglectful or abusive at this stage in life either because that's not your value system and that's not what you want to do. I know that any of you that are engaging in like this type of healing and cycle breaking are not looking to like get revenge and take this out on your parent. So I hope you walk away from this episode feeling like you understand understand the different ways that you can care for a parent that you have a distant, difficult, or a strange relationship with. And I hope you know that you get to decide how involved you will be in this and in what ways. And that you know that whatever decision

you make is based on your value system, your access to resources, the amount of support you have and the unique relationship that you have with your parent. And everyone listening to this episode can and should make their own unique decisions. And I think as long as we commit to doing no harm to others, you can design a way of making sure that this person is cared for and taken care of in a respectful and dignified way that does not include you being the one that has to do it. If you are looking for more support and more feedback and advice on this issue, I welcome you to join our Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. We have groups that we talk about this in all the time. And some of those specific groups are our

a strange adult child group, our group for adult children of emotionally immature parents, and our group for adult daughters with difficult mothers. You can go to any of these groups, whichever one sounds like it fits your situation best, and talk about this issue with other adults that are navigating this or that have already been through it. And it is so amazing to be able to hear people say, this is the situation that I'm in with my dad. And I don't know what to do about his end of life care or his cancer. You can hear from people that have decided to move in with their estranged parent and care for them or people who decided not to provide any care. People who are just providing logistical or financial care. And I think hearing people's stories,

you can have a moment to sit within and be like, huh, what part of that? can I relate to? What part of that sounds like a relief to me or a burden to me? And it's really one of the only spaces where you can have these conversations and know that everyone in that room with you is not judging you and they really truly get it and understand where you are coming from and why you're having trouble with those decisions. You can visit colliehome.co to join the Family Cycle Workers Club. And with your membership, you get asked. to unlimited support groups with me and our other licensed therapists. As always, thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you're watching on YouTube, please subscribe and leave a

comment on this video. Tell me what you learned, what you liked, what you didn't like. I'm always willing to hear some of that necessary feedback. And if you're listening to this on Spotify or Apple podcast, please subscribe to the podcast. Leave us a review. That's how we keep this podcast free and regular for you, and it really helps me continue to grow the podcast and reach more people. Thank you so much, and I will see you on Thursday for a Q&A episode. Bye. I don't know.