CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - I Said I Was Sorry. What More Do You Want From Me?

Episode Date: June 16, 2026

You’ve heard that line before. And it didn’t make things better, did it? Many apologies are not good, and often they make things worse. Whitney breaks down why some people over-apologize while others can't say "I was wrong" at all. She also gives advice for what to do when you're on either side of an apology that isn't landing.Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club: https://callinghome.coFollow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmftOrder Whitney's book, Toxic Positivity: https://sitwithwhit.com/toxic-positivitySign up for updates on Whitney's new book: https://cmnyyv4kpyt.typeform.com/to/PHMzjy0oThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I want to start with a sentence that I have heard in some version probably a thousand times. I already said I was sorry. What more do you want for me? Maybe you've said it. Maybe it's been said to you. Maybe you can hear it in a specific person's voice right now. That one sentence captures everything we're going to talk about today. Because the person who usually says it believes.

they did the work. They said the word, right? They feel like they handed something over to you. And now they're standing there waiting to be released from the chains of their guilt or their responsibility. And the person on the other side of it is like, wait, what? That is supposed to fix everything. The gap between saying sorry and actually repairing something is what today's episode is all about. Welcome back to the Calling Home podcast. I am your host, Whitney Goodman. This is the show for people doing the hard work of untangling their family dynamics and building a better family. This episode is for the person who wants to take responsibility. You hurt someone you love and you want to repair it. And I'm going to speak to the person who notices they either

apologize for everything constantly and reflexively and the person who, you know, who finds it physically impossible to say, I was wrong. Most of us live on one of those extremes, and we're going to talk about both today. Self-awareness and accountability are huge pieces of what we do at calling home. So I recommend you listen to this episode from both sides, because there's a version of you that's the one who got hurt and is waiting for an apology. And there's probably a version of you here that needs to apologize sometimes. And, take accountability, even when your intentions are good. Try to let yourself learn from both perspectives as you listen today. And also, this is not an episode that's going to ask you to take

responsibility for what was done to you. If you were abused, neglected, or harmed by your family, this is not me telling you to look at your part in that. Some of you have spent your whole lives taking accountability for other people's behavior. And that's a different episode entirely. So please use your discretion as you listen to this episode. Before we get into it, if this is the kind of work that you want to do with actual support around you, that's what the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home is for. This is our membership community where we have people who are breaking generational patterns with structural support, real tools and clinicians who get it. This month, we're focusing on your relationship with your father and their weekly worksheets, articles,

videos and scripts with groups where you can practice this stuff out loud before you do it with your actual family. And you can find that at callinghome.com. Also, as a reminder, we have Q&A episodes every Thursday. If you would like to submit a question, you can send me a voice note or an email to Whitney at calling home.com. All right, let's get into the episode. For a lot of you, the word accountability is not a neutral word. It's often a word that was used against you as a child. And maybe that word wasn't used explicitly. But the idea that you should be accountable often came with being scolded, punished, or blamed. And you may have been the one in your family that was constantly told to say sorry, be the bigger person, take responsibility. And often by adults who

never once modeled that themselves. So you learned that accountability is something that happens to you. It's the thing that comes right before you get in trouble or it's what you do to make like the bigger, angrier person in front of you calm down. And if that's what accountability means to you or what it was in your family, then of course you avoid it. It feels like danger. I want you to try to take that word back today and take back the practice of accountability because it's almost the opposite of what you were taught. Accountability is not punishment. It is, one of the best ways that you can show yourself self-respect and be emotionally mature. Accountability just means being willing to see yourself and your role clearly.

It's the ability to acknowledge your actions, take ownership of your impact, and repair when you've caused harm. Let me read that again for you, okay? Acknowledge your actions, take ownership of your part, and repair when you've caused harm. harm. It's not self-blame. It's not everything being your fault. And it's not about being perfect. If someone is asking you to take accountability, they are not asking you to be perfect. If you have a lot of shame and guilt and embarrassment around your actions, that is a big burden that you probably carry and maybe one of your biggest defenses when someone asks you to take accountability. And accountability,

And accountability is also not controlling how other people feel about you. When you are accountable, you are able to live in alignment with your values and you can recognize when you fall in short of them, even when it's uncomfortable. That's it. That's all it is. And I know it sounds very simple, but it is a lot scarier and harder to practice. And we'll acknowledge that today. And accountability and self-respect go hand in hand when you can take responsibility for your

behavior without collapsing into shame, without feeling like the floor is going to fall out from under you. You are building trust with yourself and others. You are proving to yourself that you can look at something you did, not love it, and still be okay. And people who struggle with accountability, they have a shame problem. problem. Okay. So if you're one of those people that feels like accountability is so hard for me, I jump into defensiveness really quickly. For a lot of people, accountability is tangled up with

childhood experiences of shame. And it's tangled up so tightly that they cannot pull them apart. So we talked about this a little bit at the beginning. Maybe you were punished harshly for making mistakes. No one's ever said, I'm sorry to you, or it feels foreign. and strange to say, I'm sorry, even to yourself. You may have learned somewhere along the way that admitting fault was dangerous and that it's actually humiliating or that you're going to lose someone's love if you admit that you were at fault. I see this a lot in my office and I think that this is true among a lot of people who struggle

with accountability is that if you grew up in a home where no one ever modeled accountability, you may not even know that this is possible. You don't know what repair actually looks like because you never saw it happen between two adults. And I worked with someone years ago and I'll keep this vague. This is just kind of like a composite. But they shared with me basically that they had never in their life in their late 30s heard their parents say the words, I was wrong, not once. So when this person had to apologize to their own kid, they were having very strong reactions, right? Like, think of things like heart racing, feeling sick because on some level, that apologizing

really felt like defeat. And like it was something that a parent wasn't supposed to do. And if they did it, they had lost, right? They said, sorry, they were the weak one in the dynamic. They weren't being a quote unquote parent. They had lost control of their authority, lost control of their kid. And this is a type of shame response that can often split people into two groups that I alluded to at the start of this episode. Some of you, because of this overwhelming sense of shame and lack of modeling and a lot of blame culture in your family, became adults who apologize for everything.

You over-apologize. You take responsibility for things that were never yours because learned that taking the blame was the only way to stay. safe peace and keep someone from leaving, right, or abandoning you, whether that was emotionally and or physically. And some of you became adults who never apologize because to you accountability is danger. It's the moment you hand your power over to someone else and you learn that that's not safe to do or you learned from watching, you know, maybe your dad never apologized because that's what kept him in power and kept him strong or your mom never apologized. She could never admit weakness. Neither of your parents did it with each other or with you. And so now you have all of

these often gendered power related beliefs around accountability. And if you are someone who really struggles to apologize, I want to applaud you for listening to this episode because I think clicking on this title and being like, I want to learn how to take accountability is an amazing thing to do. and you should be proud of that. And I think that it's great that you want to use some of these tools. But both of those paths really, I think, are rooted a lot in shame. And true accountability is hard for both of those groups because for both of you, that accountability feels threatening and overwhelming in your body. Someone who apologizes quickly all the time often isn't really actually good at accountability, right? They're good at shutting the conversation down, taking the blame back on

them, trying to just be like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, let's move on. A lot of times, I know you hate to hear this, but it can be self-serving as a way to just like, soothe yourself, calm down the situation, put the blame on yourself so that you can fix it, but nothing ever actually really changes from that type of apology. That's not true accountability. and sometimes you might actually be robbing the other person of them taking accountability and actually approving the relationship as well. I want to tell you why all of this is worth the discomfort. Every meaningful close relationship you will ever have is going to have ruptures. There will be conflict, misunderstandings, moments where one of you hurts the other.

And that's not always a sign that the relationship is broken. it is ultimately the price of closeness. And what actually determines whether a relationship survives is not how often you fight. It's how you repair afterwards. And when you truly repair, you do often tend to have less big disagreements, right? You get into a better rhythm of knowing that you can rely on and trust the other person. And when people can't repair in a family and when no one in the relationship, can take true accountability, the relationship slowly erodes over time and it becomes less and less

reliable, safe, and enjoyable. And it's not like because of this big, dramatic blow up. It's that every disagreement starts to turn into a power struggle. You're using more blame, denial, or what about what you did? And it's because without accountability, there is no true repair. and without the repair, there is no closeness. And this is why you feel very unfulfilled and disconnected in relationships where there isn't ever accountability. Now let's get practical. When I look at the research on family estrangement, reconciliation, and accountability within families, one of these strongest predictors of whether a relationship gets repaired is the sense that the harm was genuinely acknowledged and that that real change actually happened. So let's break accountability down into its parts. There's three

parts and they're all necessary and important and there's some overlap between the three of them. The first is acknowledgement. So you're naming specifically what happened without minimizing it and without justifying it. So it's not, I'm sorry if you felt hurt. It's not, I'm sorry, but I was stressed. You're just naming the thing. I dismissed you in front of people and that hurt you. That was my fault. Shouldn't have done that. You know, some variation of this. You're telling the other person, I see what happened and I'm not going to make you convince me that it happened. The second thing is empathy. So this is an understanding of how what you did actually affected them, not how you would feel in their shoes, not how you see it, how they felt. So you're getting curious

about their experience. You don't need to agree 100%. You don't need to feel that you would have felt that way if you went through it. It's more about tell me how that felt for you. I could see how it would feel that way for someone. I can understand why that was hurtful. You are showing them that you can listen to what they went through and you can say, that makes sense. I could see that. Even if I didn't feel that way, I understand how you could feel that way and trying to offer them some validation. Validation does not have to be complete consensus on the feeling and what it was like for

that person. The third thing is behavioral change. This is the most important step. Behavioral change is consistent and observable over time. line. And you're telling someone this will be different. They can see it in things like your tone, your habits, how you're regulating yourself, where your boundaries are, the ways that you listen and respond to them. And acknowledgement really at its core and accountability at its core, you are naming the wound. Okay. You're honoring it through your empathy. You're showing that

you get it, that it makes sense, that you see that it's real. And the behavioral change is what allows you to feel safe again in the future. Okay? You need all three. If you just have the words, it feels very hollow. The actions are what prove that this will not happen in this way again and that you are actually trying to do something about it, even if it is messy and imperfect and not exact. It shows that you are trying. This is where I want to take a moment to talk about apologies. A lot of people apologize to escape discomper. And I have a previous episode on how to apologize if you want to listen to more on this. But I think many of you, especially if you're prone to over apologizing, you want the moment to pass.

You want the silence to end. You want to stop feeling guilty. And so the apology becomes a way to regulate your own feelings. And when you apologize just to make your own bad, feelings go away, you're actually asking that other person to take care of you. And you know what this sounds like. You may have said this or been on the receiving end of this. It's when you say, I said I was sorry, what more do you want for me? Or I didn't mean it. You're just taking it the wrong way. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm a terrible person. It feels like self-blaim and like you're apologizing,

but you're actually asking the other person to reassure you. You're asking them to get out of their own feelings and to come and take care of yours. And so now they have to reassure you that you're not a terrible person and you have essentially hijacked the conversation. And this can be successful sometimes. It really helps you put the attention back on you and the care and all of the conversation, really, just on you and what you need. But a genuine apology does the opposite.

It focuses more on their, the impact of what you. you did, then you're intent. You're naming the other person's experience. You're letting it be real and you're not trying to control the entire situation. So you might say something like, I can see how what I said was was cruel. I'm sorry and I'm going to try speaking to you differently. I'm going to work on that so I don't come across that way or I need to get some sleep so I'm not so short with you. And then you're going to actually do something different, right, than what happened that time. And most apologies without change don't heal at all. You can say the most beautiful apology in the world, but if nothing in your behavior moves and you just do it again, the other person learns that that apology is really just words or a performance. You are responsible for your actions and your impact. You are not responsible. for how the other person feels, how they interpret what happened, or how or whether they choose to heal and move forward. And I'm talking about this specifically in the context of accountability.

And accountability doesn't guarantee reconciliation. This is a hard one for people. It doesn't guarantee forgiveness. The other person may never look at their part. You can do everything right and still not get the ending that you wanted. And this is genuinely one of the hardest things about this. And I think this is what dissuades some people from taking accountability. It's like, well, if I'm not guaranteed that I'm going to get like I'm not going to get what I want, then I don't want to be accountable. Why would I risk feeling bad and taking responsibility if the other person isn't definitely

going to give me what I want? And if you've reflected honestly, listened, apologize, and actually change your behavior, that might be where your part ends and they might still be angry. They might not come back. And I want to be careful here because I think this is where people could say like, well, you're telling me that accountability has an end point. I said my apology and now I'm done. And that's not what this is.

This is not like a haul pass to do the bare minimum and call it. This is for the person who has genuinely done the work repeatedly over time. time and is being crushed under the weight of an outcome that they cannot control. And sometimes you have to stop taking accountability because it's not magic or it's not working. It doesn't always make the relationship stronger. But it is a way for you to live in alignment with your values and build trust with yourself, even if it doesn't improve the relationship. But if you want to improve the relationship, accountability is one of the best and strongest ways to, to, you know, do that. And it also, if it doesn't fix this relationship, is going to help you with people that you

meet in the future and in relationships that you have with others. Now, let's flip this around and look at when you are on the receiving end of accountability. So someone hurt you. They're trying to apologize. You don't have to accept that on the spot. You're allowed to wait and watch and see if that apology turns into action. And sometimes the most useful thing you can do is pay attention to how you feel after the apology. So do you feel understood? Is there a genuine effort? Is it someone trying to just like push things under the rug? Are you being rushed into closeness? Because real repair isn't going to feel rushed or forced. You're going to actually be allowed to have time to rebuild that trust. Okay. And I want to spend the last part of the episode on someone who won't repair because I know a lot of you are dealing with situations like that.

Some of your family members want forgiveness without accountability and they want everyone to just move on. And they might defend themselves by listing all the good things they did that have nothing to do with the actual hurt or they deny the whole thing that happened. And there is a chance that the person genuinely believes they were doing their best or that they have nothing to be sorry for. A lot of people that can't apologize are just protecting an image of themselves. And they may have grown up like we talked about in a home where being wrong was not safe at all. That doesn't excuse their impact on you. But it can help you stop waiting for a version of them that may not exist. okay so if you're trying to invite someone into being accountable there are gentler ways to do that

often than like a head-on accusation which usually just triggers defenses right and I always recommend leading with positive intent in these situations like I want to find a way for us to move forward that thing really hurt me and I want to be close with you so I want to talk about this I'm not trying to blame you. I want to find a way to move forward that works for both of us. I feel like this is getting tense. Can we take a break? You know, you have to be honest about what you need, but also in a way that shows that person that you're trying to work on the relationship. That's the main goal of all of this accountability, right? Is to prove things and to make the relationship better. But again, sometimes this stuff just doesn't work.

And the other person across the view is not going to participate. And when someone is not engaging in good faith and all your reactions are just becoming like fuel for them, sometimes the best thing you can do is step back and just be like, I hear that you feel that way. Thanks for sharing your perspective or we remember this differently or I'm not going to argue about that part. And sometimes no response is the only response that you can give when the other person actually isn't looking for repair. You don't have to hand them one. You cannot save a

relationship by yourself. You cannot take accountability for both of you. The repair takes two people and the other person has to carry their part as well. If you are the one that apologizes for everything and takes on blame that was never yours to keep the peace, I want you to know that you're not the only one that needs to be accountable all the time. You're allowed to put some of that down. And if you're the one who finds it so painful and almost impossible to say, I was wrong, I want you to know that it's not going to fall apart when you do. You're not going to lose. You can become someone that people can trust and model the kind of accountability that your family didn't show you. And your relationships will be so.

much better because of it. And if you're the one waiting on accountability and an apology that hasn't come and may never come, you can do everything right and still not get it back from someone. And you're allowed to move forward with some peace as well. Inside the Family Cycle Workers Club, we have so many resources about accountability repair and what to do when the other person won't meet you in that space. We have worksheets, scripts, and groups of people that are working on becoming more emotionally mature, active listening, all of that stuff. And you can find that at calling home.co. And I will be back on Thursday with another Q&A episode. If there's something that you've been working through or a question you have, you can submit a voice note or a written question

to Whitney at calling home.co. And as always, please remember to comment, subscribe, like, leave a review for this podcast. It helps us grow the show and keep it free for all of you. Thank you for being here and thank you for listening. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist patient or other treatment relationship between you and Collingholm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.