CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Life After Estrangement: Grief, Doubt, and Building What's Next

Episode Date: April 14, 2026

So you made the decision to leave a harmful family relationship. And you're wondering why it still feels so complicated. In this episode, Whitney walks through why the grief shows up at the strangest times, how to handle doubt without getting derailed, and what it means to finally start building a life that's yours.Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic PositivityThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone and welcome back to the calling home podcast. I am Whitney Goodman and today we're talking about something that I think doesn't get nearly enough attention. We're going to be talking about what happens after you've made the decision to step back from a harmful family relationship and to become estranged. You maybe thought that once you made this decision, feel free. But instead, it's complicated. Some days feel lighter. Some days feel lighter. Some days. feel heavier and you're wondering, am I doing this right? Is this what healing is supposed to look like? And what does moving forward even mean? This episode is specifically for those of you who have already made the decision to become estranged. You're not still deciding. You're past that.

Now you want to figure out exactly how to build a life on the other side of that choice. And if you want to go even deeper into this topic, I want you to know that this month at Calling Home inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club, we are focusing entirely on this theme of moving forward after estrangement. This means that you'll get access to groups, worksheets, videos, articles, and scripts all about this exact issue. You can join us at calling home.co. All right, let's get into the episode. There's a lot of misconceptions about what moving forward actually means after estrangement. And I think that there is a big misconception that it means totally getting over it and not thinking about it. But we know that moving forward doesn't mean never thinking about it, feeling 100% certain all the time, having no sadness or grief.

You're also not on some predetermined timeline or becoming a completely different person. It just means that you are actively creating something that reflects. who you are today. You're not just running away from pain or compartmentalizing or ignoring it. You're saying, I made this decision. I've grieved. I've accepted. Maybe I'm still doing some of that. And now I'm going to build the life that I want. And as you're building that life, you're doing things like choosing activities, friendships, and routines or other decisions in your life that actively bring you joy and peace and make you feel fulfilled. They're not just things that help you avoid your family or that you're doing because it's an opposition to them or the opposite or you're doing to comply with them

and make them feel happy or like you're being obedient. When you're moving forward after estrangement, you are learning to hold all of these truths at the same time, right? You can be sad about what you lost and you can also feel relief about what you've gained. You can wish that you didn't have to make this decision and understand why you had to and even feel grateful that you did. You're learning during this time to trust your own inner voice

instead of constantly seeking validations from others about your decision being right or trying to avoid any of the judgment and criticism from even your family or strangers or other people that feel like the decision you made was wrong. I think that there are three key phases after estrangement from a family member that come up, especially for the person who is engaging in like chosen estrangement and they are deliberately ending this relationship and no longer having a relationship with this person. Now, this doesn't mean that these stages all come in a specific order and you can of course

move kind of back and forth between them. But phase one is typically the immediate aftermath, where you're going to feel this mix of relief and disorientation. Your life might feel a lot quieter, you sleep better, but you're also feeling really lost. You don't know what to do next. There's no longer this big thing in your life taking up all of this space, whether that was what was happening in your feet. family or just the process of you making this decision and agonizing over the decision.

And these family relationships, we have to remember, even the harmful ones, they were known to you and they were comfortable in some way. And now you're making all these decisions that you're responsible for. They're new. They're not automatic and they're not directly in response to doing what your family said or doing the opposite, which is a lot of the trap that people get caught in when they're working through the process of estrangement. Phase two is about grief. And this phase can last a really long time and you can move in and out of it. So you might know that you made the right decision and still have a lot of grief over it.

You can grieve the family you wish you had, the hope that things could have been different or even specific future moments like weddings, holidays, milestones, even thinking about funerals, end of life. These are all moments that you're having this very ambiguous grief around because it's not something that people normally talk about grieving or that's part of like the public grief discourse, right? You might even grieve parts of the relationship that were good. You know, very few family relationships that result in estrangement, I think, were all bad.

There are still some good moments maybe from your childhood or holidays or things like that that you think about. And that can be really confusing when you've ultimately had to make this decision to become estranged. And grief is not going to be logical, right? It can come up when you hear a song, when you smell a certain smell, when you see, like another family member, you see a family celebrating when you're scrolling on social media. Like all of these can be triggers for the grief that you are experiencing. And phase three is really what we're mainly focusing on in this episode, which is rebuilding. You're looking to the future more than you are the past.

And you're thinking about building new traditions, finding chosen family or incorporating friends into your life. you have new definitions of connection. You're maybe even discovering parts of yourself that you realize were so suppressed when you were in your family or when you were reacting to their criticism and the ammishment and their control. And this can be a really complicated process because it's almost like you're figuring out who you are in adulthood.

At this age, some of you might be in your 50s, 60s, 70s, when you're, you're navigating this process and there can be a lot of grief in that as well. We also talked about how a lot of moving forward is making decisions that you want to make, not just based on like what you think you should do or what you're supposed to do, but the decisions that you want to make in your life. And again, these phases are not linear. You might cycle back through them. That's very normal. It doesn't mean you're failing if you kind of move back. into grief or the rebuilding takes some time. It's just these are moments that you can think, okay, I recognize this.

I heard this on that episode of Calling Home and I recognize that like a lot of people move through these three different phases. Another big thing that you're probably going to go through as you're moving forward after making that hard decision to become estranged is the emotional whiplash that you feel. There's a lot of inconsistency in your emotions after this. estrangement. So you might wake up feeling like really confident, like I did the right thing and then be in tears by the time you get to lunch or you feel fine for weeks. And then a birthday comes around or a holiday and you notice that you're really derailed by that. I know that every December inside the

Family Cycle Breakers Club, we talk about the end of the year and the holiday season and with Thanksgiving or Christmas, Hanukkah, all these holidays that used to have milestones or even the end of the year, people are often very shocked how different they feel around this time of year and how many feelings came up for them that they thought that they were quote unquote over or that were behind them. And you can also feel confident in your decision in one moment and terrified that you made a mistake the next. And this is not always a sign that something's wrong with you or that you made the wrong decision. It's part of the problem. It's part of process and you're also allowed to listen to those feelings that come up, take them into consideration,

and really think about like, why is this coming up? Is there something about this time of year or this day that makes me feel this way? Or is this actually rooted in the fact that I have data and information that tells me maybe I made the wrong decision and I need to go back and and reconsider? Now, during this moving forward phase, you're probably going to have some moment. where doubt creeps in. And again, I want to be very clear here that doubt is something that you have to consider and listen to. And I'm never going to tell you all that like any doubt should be ignored and you should

just push forward and stick with the estrangement because all of your situations are different. But if you are feeling doubt, it typically just means that you're a thoughtful person who's considering that you are dealing with something that is very complicated. And whenever doubt comes up, I would encourage you not to make decisions like when the doubt is peaking. Give yourself some time, 48 to 72 hours to like really consider things before taking any action. You don't want to in those moments where you're triggered, pull your phone out and start reengaging with someone. And then when you calm down two days later, be like, oh my gosh, what did I do?

because sometimes, much like when we talk about people who are in recovery from using substances, I remember there was an acronym that I used to think about, like, I think it's halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired, like looking out for these emotions of like when you feel that way, you might want to use again or relapse. You might want to call this person or engage in a relationship with them simply because you are looking for connection or comfort and then you're going back to the same person or situation that robbed you of that in the first place. And so you really have to work on distinguishing between missing the person and missing the relationship that you wish you had and making sure

that in those moments where you're dysregulated, overwhelmed, there's something going on in your life, you're not going back chasing like that fantasy, but that you actually know that the reality has changed before you start listening to that feeling of doubt. And this is also a good moment to return to your why and the reality that led you here. Like, trust that former version of yourself as well that told you this was something that you needed to do. And maybe you have things that you wrote down during that time or you were working with a therapist that you could can go back to and say like, hey, can we talk about what I was thinking before I got here? And there are people in your life that may even be able to help you understand, like,

were you being totally rational? Did you rush into this? Like, are there things that you need to evaluate? But it's very important in these moments, I think, to notice if you're romanticizing the past because sometimes distance helps us kind of augment our memories a little bit and only remember positive things. You may have done this with like a previous boyfriend or a marriage, especially from when you were young. Oh, it was all wonderful and great because that's just how you're seeing it now. You don't remember all of the hard parts. And I think you can ask yourself

a really important question of like, if I go back to this relationship, if I give in to this doubt because I think that it's legitimate, what would returning actually require? Can I play the tape all the way through. What will need to be different about me and this person? Is that actually possible? And do I have any evidence that that change has actually occurred? Do I feel good about going back to how things were, you know, before I made this decision? You can also write a letter or a text message in your phone and not send it. Save it for three days. Go back to it and see if you still feel the same after giving yourself some time and space. Now, a big part of moving forward after estrangement is dealing with outside opinions, comments, and influence. And you do not have to defend or explain your decision to

every single person that you interact with. I think that true peace after estrangement really isn't about getting everyone on board. It's more about not needing every single person's approval. because some people are just not going to get this. They've never experienced it. They're keeping the peace in their own family. They benefit from the status quo, so it's beneficial for them to not acknowledge this. And you have to really get clear on like,

and we're talking about this month inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Like what is the difference between healthy sharing with someone and compulsively justifying so that they will agree with me? and I'm always like preemptively answering every objection. And so some responses that you can use during this stage is just like, I've decided it's healthier for me to have some distance from them. I appreciate your concern, but I feel good about my decision. I'm not interested in debating this with you.

I know what I needed to do. You can say your peace calmly and then redirect, especially with strangers, acquaintances, people who have shown no interest in understanding your perspective or your feelings, don't linger here and like apologize excessively. There are people in your life that deserve explanations and who should hear from you and really want to understand and know. And you have to learn to differentiate between those people and people who really just want

you to comply and who may be, you know, like operating more as. as flying monkeys or enablers for the person that you became estranged from. What goes hand in hand with this is no longer engaging in mental rehearsals or rehearsing your defense. So a lot of people in early estrangement will spend all this time and mental energy like preparing for confrontations that have not happened. So you're in the shower, you know, explaining in your head to your aunt like why you had cut your mom off or this is what I'm going to say when someone says this to me or you're spending

a lot of time in the comments on social media fighting with estranged parents who are saying things like, but it's your mother. And these mental rehearsals can feel productive. And I think that they're an essential part sometimes of moving forward in the early stages, but they keep you in defensive mode. So when you notice yourself doing this, you know, can you come to a point of awareness? catch yourself, pause and notice what you're doing. What are you afraid of? What are you trying to manage here? Do you think people are going to see that you are bad or wrong or that you abandon someone that you don't care? And if you must kind of engage in this, I think it's good to set a timer, give yourself, you know, a certain period of time, whether it's five minutes, seven, ten minutes. You can lower it as you go.

And when it goes off, okay, it's time to move on. I can give myself five minutes to do this again tomorrow because sometimes you just need to get out of that space. And you may also come to find that you are arguing with ghosts. And there's not people that are actually doing this to you in your daily life. You're just replaying these old cycles of needing to convince people that what you did was okay and that you're right. For me, one of the most important parts of moving forward after estrangement is building a life that you actually want because you're no longer running from something or trying to hide or fix. You are actively building a new life without this relationship in it, outside of this relationship.

And so you have to really sit with yourself and ask, what do I actually want? not what do I think I should want or what I've always been told I should want. This answer might not come easily to you, especially if you've spent a lot of time in these harmful family dynamics or adapting to other people's needs or you've been told by someone else this is what you should want for your entire life. But you have to get clear on this question. And this is a great thing to process in our support groups as well as with a therapist or a trusted friend that I want you to really think about those domains of your life. And what do I want from work, from friendships for

myself, my hobbies, how do I want to feel and getting in touch with all of that? It's also really important here to start investing in relationships that feel reciprocal and good with people who understand you and like you and treat you well. And creating new traditions for yourself can be so helpful, especially on those triggering. These, those triggering. days that we talked about like holidays, birthdays, milestones, et cetera, that that can be something that anchors you of like, look what I get to reclaim for myself. And I may have lost this thing, but now I get to do this for myself with these people and kind of looking at how different that feels. You will know that you're moving forward and building the life that you want

when you see some of these signs. So you'll notice when someone doesn't feel. You'll notice when someone doesn't feel safe and you're able to act on that instinct. You'll choose yourself in moments even when it's really disappointing to others when you need to prioritize your need of safety or whatever it is. You may feel sad or overwhelmed but not catastrophize and feel like your life is over in the same way that you would maybe when you were entrenched in those family dynamics. You'll also start to reach out for support to people who can actually offer it to you. of just isolating or going back to people that could not offer you that support. And you may allow yourself to feel without believing that that feeling is going to last

forever. I want to remind you that if you're in this stage of moving forward after estrangement, that you do not have to have it all figured out. You can release the pressure of needing to have everything resolved. You don't have to have a problem. You don't have to have a perfect plan to move forward. You don't have to be over it or wrap up all your feelings or feel like they're not allowed to like pop up from time to time. You're also allowed to change your mind about boundaries, the amount of contacts that you have, what kind of relationship you might have in the future. This is all happening on a rolling basis for a lot of you. And things change, circumstances change and you're allowed to reevaluate as those things happen.

Nothing is set in stone and you can evolve. And so can other people. And if they do, you can revisit it and you can change what you're doing to match what's happening on their side of the street. I think it's so important to remember here that the family you were born into shaped you in a lot of ways, but it doesn't define you. And even after estrangement, you can create a wonderful life. I want to leave you with this as we wrap up. The decision to step back from a family relationship and become estranged is huge. It probably required you to trust yourself even when the

culture and everyone around you suggested that you shouldn't and you were making the wrong choice. and now you're in the aftermath of that, which is its own kind of challenge, and there's not a lot of support or understanding there. But you need to know that you're not doing this wrong. The confusion that you feel is normal. The grief that shows up at the weirdest times is expected. And those moments of doubt are also part of the process. You may also experience moments of peace. and relief, and those are also legitimate feelings during this time. Your estrangement is not who you are. Being estranged from your family is not the defining characteristic that you need to revolve your life around. It is not the core of your identity. It's just a decision that you made. And over time, your life will become less about defending what you did and more about living the life that you created for yourself. And if you need some help with moving forward after

estrangement, the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home has everything you need this month, groups, worksheets, videos, articles, and scripts, you can join us at callinghome.com. Thank you so much for listening. If this episode resonated with you, please take a moment to like, subscribe, and leave a review. It helps people find the show. I know they're not alone in this. I will talk to you next time. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling

Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.