CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Love Is Blind and Attachment Styles

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

In this episode, Whitney Goodman explores the four attachment styles and their impact on romantic relationships. She discusses the four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, explaining how they manifest in relationships and how they are influenced by childhood experiences. She also shows how attachment styles are portrayed in Netflix's new season of Love Is Blind. Timeline: 00:00 Introduction to Attachment Styles and Family Dynamics 03:21 Understanding Secure Attachment 06:19 Exploring Anxious Attachment 08:38 Diving into Avoidant Attachment 09:37 Understanding Disorganized Attachment 11:25 The Impact of Childhood on Attachment Styles 13:43 Triggers and Responses in Relationships 19:21 Navigating Partner Behaviors and Attachment Styles 27:36 The Role of Self-Awareness in Relationships Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club: www.callinghome.co/join Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. www.ca.com. Hey, everyone. Happy Tuesday and welcome back to calling home. I am your host, Whitney Goodman. I'm super excited

to be here today because I had a plan for this episode. I scrapped it. And we're going to talk about something else. And that is because this weekend on Valentine's Day, I started watching the new season of Love is Blind on Netflix. And so much of this. And so much of this season is about adult family relationships, the way that family has shaped how we date and who we partner with. And the people on this show are so skilled talking about their childhood trauma and their attachment styles and all this stuff. Like, they have so much therapy lingo that it has been wild to watch. I was frantically jotting down notes. the entire time that I was watching this show. So that's what we're going to be diving into

today. I'm going to be talking about the four attachment styles. And I'm also going to be debunking and clarifying some of the things that I saw said on this show that I don't think are totally accurate or maybe being used in the right way. I don't think that they're very helpful when we utilize them that way in our dating life. So this is going to be a great episode for anyone that wants to learn more about the attachment styles, how they manifest in your life, and also some things to consider when somebody shares their attachment style with you. And if you should really be considering that when you're dating. Before we dive into that, I just want to remind you that we are talking about the way our family dysfunction impacts are dating, marriage, and romantic

relationships this month at calling home. So you can join today and become a member of the Family Cycle Breakers Club. We will have groups every Wednesday about our romantic. relationships and our family dysfunction. And there's also new content uploaded every Monday to help you work through some of these issues. All right, let's go ahead and dive in. So if you're not familiar with attachment styles, they are how individuals emotionally bond and relate to others. And we're mostly thinking about them in the context of romantic relationships a lot of the time. But we can also talk about attachment styles when it comes to our parents and our family members and they show up in a lot of

different ways throughout our life. And there are four main attachment styles. The first one is secure attachment. And we don't hear about this one a lot, probably because secure attachment is the healthy attachment, right? So people with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They are able to trust people. they can communicate openly and they can handle conflict in a healthy way. And I actually really think that a lot of the people who were talking about these attachment styles on Love is Blind were displaying a lot of traits of secure attachment, but that's not what they were saying about themselves. And we'll get to more of that later. Some common traits when we're thinking about

secure attachment be strong self-esteem and emotional regulation, open and honest communication. They can ask for and give support in relationships, and they're comfortable with both closeness and independence. So if you're thinking about your own relationship and starting to think, like, am I securely attached to this person? Do we feel like we have a secure attachment with one another? You're going to see that you are able to support each other, spend time together and spend time apart. You're allowed to be your own person in the relationship. You have good self-esteem. You can regulate your emotions together. This doesn't mean that things are always perfect or that it's always like this all the time, but this is your normal state of functioning

in the relationship. Okay. And so here's an example. A securely attached person in a relationship would trust their partner, you know, obviously within the realm of reason, to do things without them, without becoming overly anxious if they spend time apart, they wouldn't be like calling them a million times texting them, where are you, following their location everywhere, wanting to control who they're going with, what they're doing, how long they're going to be there. Those would be signs of more anxious attachment. In a secure attachment, you're going to be able to say, hey, I'm going out with my friends to dinner tonight.

I'll be gone from like six, five, till eight. I'll let you know if I'm going to be later. and, you know, if you have children, there would be a discussion about who's going to be with the kids, when the other person's going to be home. This person is reliable, and you are able to trust them in turn. The next attachment style we'll dive into is anxious attachment, okay? And anxious attachment happens when the person really wants closeness, but is scared of abandonment. And you might see that they are overly dependent on their partner for, validation and emotional support. And the way that I always imagine, like, anxious attachment is

almost like a little kid, like, squeezing a puppy and not wanting to let go or chasing after someone that is running away from them. Like, they're just constantly trying to find ways to grab on and secure the other person. And they feel like the connection is very fragile. Like if they don't hold on really tightly, they're going to lose that person. People with anxious attachment have a fear of rejection and abandonment. They're highly sensitive to a partner's mood or changes in behavior. They often need a lot of reassurance so constantly asking, like, do you love me? Are you sure we're okay? And it's not happening just in moments of like things not being good. It's constant. And they can become really possessive and not wanting to share the person with

anyone else, not feel like comfortable with them being around other people, etc. And so some of with an anxious attachment might do some of those opposite behaviors that I just discussed in the secure attachment, which is like they might text their partner frequently and be really panicked if they don't respond right away. They immediately go to, you're cheating on me, they don't want to be with me, they're not going to come home tonight, etc. And they become really just on edge about what the other person is doing. And we'll talk more about how this develops later. And then the third type is avoidant attachment. And people with avoidant attachment tend to be really independent to the point where they will push other people away.

And they often struggle with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. So in the anxious attachment example that I gave you where I talked about a person who is like chasing someone that's running from them, that's how I see the avoidant person. When an avoidant person feels like they are being controlled or constricted or that their independence is being encroached on, they will often start running away from the other person. And they may come across as really distant or emotionally unavailable. And an example of an avoidant attached person is that they might withdraw emotionally when their partner tries to discuss feelings or deepen the relationship.

If you're in a relationship with someone who is avoidant, it might consider feel like you're just always on the surface or they tend to push you away whenever things start to feel a little bit too vulnerable or deep, right? And then the fourth one is disorganized, which is fearful avoidant attachment. And this style is a mix of anxious and avoidant attachment. And so these people often want close relationships, but they're really afraid of getting hurt. and this can lead to a lot of unpredictable behaviors. It can feel like the person is constantly being like hot and cold. They're smothering you, then they're running away. And it's a very confusing style of attachment to be in a relationship with. It's also very confusing to embody yourself.

If you relate to this attachment style, you might feel confused by your own emotions and the way that they're coming out in your relationships. People who have disorganized attachment might have conflicting feelings about relationships. They have trouble trusting others. They're prone to emotional highs and lows. And they may really push people away, but feel lonely when they're by themselves and have very conflicted feelings about relationships, like wanting closeness, but fearing that closeness and maybe not being able to do what it takes to actually be in a close relationship. An example of this is that someone with a disorganized attachment style might suddenly withdraw from a partner after feeling too close because they fear vulnerability.

And so these four attachment styles, I want you to think of them as something that is malleable, that can be changed and that is not fixed or set in stone. These are just patterns that impact how people form relationships, communicate and handle stress in their personal connections. And these attachment styles are often formed in our early childhood, right, based on our experiences as children with our parents, with the people who are raising us within our communities. If we experience any type of traumatic events or illnesses, all of these things can impact how we form our attachment styles. And they are not set in stone. Therapy, self-awareness, and healthy relationships can really help shift you towards a more

secure attachment over time. And I want to talk about that in a lot more depth. And this is something I really want you to remember when we start talking about love is whined. Anxious and disorganized attachment are ultimately triggered or exacerbated a lot of the time by a partner's poor behavior. And the root cause is often, like, in your early life experiences and your past relationships, and it can be triggered by the behavior of your partner. And so we will see people who often had avoidant, disorganized, or anxious attachment styles in certain relationships, go on to form secure partnerships with a different partner who is behaving differently than their previous partner.

A partner behaving in a different, more secure, established, like emotionally regulated way can help someone heal from whatever they absorbed and built in childhood when it is combined with their own self-awareness, emotional regulations, often therapy, and learning about what their triggers are. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. This fall get double points on every qualified stay. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western.

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Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. Let's talk a little bit more about how these different attachment styles get triggered by a partner's behavior. And the reason I want to talk about this is that when I was watching this new season of Love is Blind, there, I think it's in like episode two. Two of the participants on the show are talking about attachment styles. One of the participants starts to talk about how they have an avoidant attachment style. Okay. And you can see the person on the other side of the wall. for those of you that haven't seen Love is Blind, they are talking in like a pod with a wall between them and they cannot see each other. So they're talking about attachment styles and she says,

you know, I am avoidant. And you can see the other person get extremely uncomfortable, right? And he's like, oh, oh no. And his wheels are turning. And it becomes clear that this person has experienced relationships with people who are avoidant in the past. and they have had a negative experience. And what I took from this conversation is that the person who is more anxiously attached to is hearing, you're avoidant, that's bad, is automatically saying, you are avoidant, you are going to be avoidant with me. I am at risk.

I have dealt with partners like this before. And I don't want you to pull away from me and to be avoidant because that's going to make me feel anxious and I don't want to feel that. And they have every right to feel that way. But when I'm watching this participant talk about being avoidant, they're showing a deep awareness of their avoidance tendencies. They're showing that they know what triggers them. They know that they've behaved this way in the past. And they know what in their childhood with their parents and their own traumatic experiences led to this, and that they have worked on becoming less avoidant. And so what I'm hearing them actually say is not, I have an avoidant attachment style all the

time. They're saying, I know that this is where I go when I'm triggered, when I'm not in a healthy relationship, or when things aren't going well in my life. And I want you to know that that is my coping mechanism a lot of the time, is to retreat, to avoid, to stop pursuing my partner to reject them even when they try to help me. And so if you know that about me, then you can respond differently to me. You can also not internalize my behavior as being a rejection of you. And this is what's so important about attachment styles is that it's not about saying,

I'm anxious, you're avoided, we can't be together because we trigger each other. It's about learning. How do we show up when things aren't going well? When we're overwhelmed, over stimulated, life is too hard. And how can I learn that if my partner's going through a hard time and they're struggling and I know that they tend to retreat in those moments and that makes me anxious, how can I take care of my own feelings in those moments and say, it's not about me. They're doing this because they're going through a hard time. How can I show up best for them and also find my own container for my own anxiety and my own way to work through my own anxiety, right? And this is really important because you don't want to look at your partner's attachment style as like something

to be tamed and controlled and like avoided. This is just data. It's information. And we all have ways, of moving out of secure attachment and into these other more quote-unquote like negative ways of being when we are triggered or not doing well. And so it is not going to be possible for you. This is what I was like wanting to scream through the TV at this other person to look around and say, I don't want to find anyone who ever becomes a void and anxious. I only want a secure partner. You definitely don't want to pursue a partner that has no idea that they're being avoidant and they blame you for their avoidance and they perpetuate these behaviors without repair, without awareness, and without any type of desire to get better. But that's a totally different

thing than what I was seeing play out on this show. And it was so unfortunate to watch this guy really spiral hearing from this girl that she has been avoided. And it sounds like he was thinking like, oh, this means that we cannot be together. And I haven't continued finishing all the episodes that are up. So I won't give any spoilers, but I don't know what happens to these two. But I do know that there was definitely this misconception here that I want to make sure that you all know. Now let's talk about how a partner who isn't behaving in an emotionally healthy, relationally healthy way, can trigger some of these more negative attachment styles, right? So if you are an anxiously attached individual, this is the attachment style that you have formed

as a result of your life, a partner who is distant, inconsistent, or unresponsive is going to trigger those abandonment wounds, right? Because anxiously attached people are sensitive to rejection and abandonment. They need reassurance and connection. And so if you are in a partnership with someone who seems more anxiously attached or they know this about themselves, then this is something to think about. If I want to show up as a healthy partner in this relationship, and I want to make sure that I am helping my partner feel safe. Maybe I want to communicate when I need some space to myself instead of just becoming distant. I want to reassure them, hey, I'm just having a bad day.

It's not you. I'll talk to you later. I'm just going through a hard time. Maybe I want to be on time with my communication and check in, you know, text them when I land, or if I'm out of town, just check in with them. don't disappear for three days. Like finding a way to create consistency in the relationship can go a long way and stop you from having to deal with a lot of the negative behaviors that intensify when someone has an

anxious attachment that is being triggered in a relationship. And then also, like hot and cold behavior can be very triggering to someone who's anxiously attached. So being loving and then withdrawn and having no explanation for any of this behavior, can often cause the anxiously attached person to have heightened anxiety. They start overanalyzing interactions. They need a lot of reassurance. They're asking you a ton of questions. They fear abandonment. And so then they become even needier or what you would perceive as clingy. And if you would just be consistent and reliable and show up when you say you're going to and do all of those things,

you often would not have to experience a lot of those behaviors that you might find difficult to endure in the relationship and you can move in to more of a secure attachment, right? So an example of this might be if you have a partner who is always canceling plans without any explanation at the last minute, just like, hey, can't make it tonight? And then they don't call you again for five days or they don't show up places. the anxiously attached person is going to spiral probably. They're going to become fearful that you're losing interest, which maybe you are, or that you're going to leave them. And that is often going to intensify their behavior. And it's going to make the relationship become destabilized, uncomfortable, and not very enjoyable for either of you in this situation. The next one is disorganized attachment. So let's talk about how a not great partner can only trigger a disorganized attachment coming out again in adulthood. So in disorganized attachment, you're going to have a mix, right, of anxious and avoidant traits. And this often is related

to inconsistent caregivers, abusive relationships, trauma in childhood or earlier in life. And these people crave closeness and they fear it, often because the people that they wanted closeness from often abandoned them and were not reliable. people with disorganized attachment styles can really be triggered by a emotionally volatile partner or a partner who is manipulative. Betrayal, dishonesty, some withdrawal from the relationship or feeling out of control in the relationship can also be very triggering to someone with disorganized attachment. And often what's going to happen in these types of relationships when someone behaves this way with someone with a history of disorganized attachment,

there is going to be a lot of like push and pull, like the person wants love, but they fear vulnerability and they pull back. They're going to have trouble trusting even when the partner is being consistent and they may suddenly detach or self-sabotage, right? And this can be a really confusing attachment style to have and to interact with, like I said. I'll give you another example for this one. If a partner gets really angry and on predictable, a disorganized attachment person might first try to please them, right? They might like kind of fawn or get anxious and try to make things better, but then later totally emotionally withdraw to protect themselves. And you get into this pattern where it's like,

I'm trying to appease you and then pull away from you. And even though the other person is also not being emotionally healthy sometimes, it still creates. this dynamic where it's like, wait, okay, wait, you were trying to make me feel good and I liked that. So maybe now I should keep being volatile with you because it seems like that's when you give me attention, but then you pulled away and you get stuck in this feedback loop that really does not make sense, right? And then of course, you're going to also see avoid an attachment getting triggered by a partner's behavior. Typically, if a partner is overly anxious, obsessive, needs constant reassurance, that can also trigger the avoidant person to pull away and

retreat, which often in turn creates this feedback loop where then the anxious person just becomes more anxious and they start behaving in ways that continue to push away the avoidantly attached person. And often these two end up together because they are trying to resolve some type of issue from the past where they want to find some resolution for like, okay, I can hold on to you and you're not going to run away. And the other person is trying to feel like, okay, I can stay close to you and you're not going to make me feel stuck and trapped in this relationship and that I can have space. And they both ultimately want a secure attachment, but are pursuing it in very incompatible ways. A secure and emotionally available partner can

help both anxious, avoidant, and disorganized individuals feel safer in relationships. And often what we see is that consistent reassuring behavior can help someone shift into more of a secure attachment style. But if you continue being in relationships with people who are unreliable, emotionally available, et cetera, it is going to reinforce. a lot of those behaviors and make it even harder to feel safe and secure in the relationship. And then the other problem that happens here is that people who have anxious attachment styles or disorganized or avoidant can often be very difficult people to be in relationships with. And I don't say that to make you feel unlovable or to make you feel like you cannot pursue

relationships. I say that because sometimes we are the ones that are participating in these anxious and avoidant ways. And we really need to take ownership for the ways that we are showing up in these relationships. And we can both hope that a healthy, secure partner will hold space for us and allow us to work through our things while we learn how to be less reactionary to behavior that is actually safe. It just doesn't feel safe for us yet. And we have to be willing to look at our own behavior and take accountability, repair, and show up in healthier ways in these relationships, right? And at least say, you know what, this is reminding me of my childhood. Or this is making me feel this way because my mom used to do this. Or my dad used to, you know, leave every three months and

never tell us when he was coming back, like, whatever it is so that we don't make it our partner's problem to fix all these wounds that they did not cause. And so achieving secure attachment is really like a multifaceted thing, right? It's about identifying the ways that you show up when you are not embodying like your healthiest self, the part of you that comes out when you're triggered, when you're not in a healthy relationship, or when you're living in a past version of yourself, when a child-like part of you is activated, traumatized part of you is activated, whatever that is, identifying that and knowing when that part is in the driver's seat so that you can talk to that part and say, it's okay. You don't have to be the loudest

voice in the room. Like, I've got you. I can take this over. And it's also about pursuing partners that don't simply trigger us at every single turn and partners that are equally aware of the ways that they show up in relationships and how they can be better partners so as not to trigger those deep wounds because we all have them. All of us can become a little bit anxious, a little bit avoidant, a little bit like flipping between the two of them depending on the situation and what is going on in our lives. And there are always going to be seasons I can think of even for myself. You know, there are seasons in my life where something really difficult was going on and it made me be really avoidant in my friendships or with my

partner. And then I can also think of times where I have become incredibly anxiously attached in moments, or I should say, embodying the traits of someone that is anxiously attached. And instead of saying, I can never show up as that version of myself, like what was happening in this love, this blind scene where this person was saying, like, ooh, if she's going to be anxious ever, anxiously attached ever, that's bad. I have to avoid that at all costs. Instead, I think all of us need to say, you know what, I have kind of a default where I tend to go when I'm in an unhealthy relationship, when I'm being triggered by something in the past, when I'm upset, I'm going through a difficult time in life. This is where I tend to go.

And if I know that about myself, I can have the right coping skills in place. I can teach my partner how to help me. And I can help my partner and my friends and my family members understand that when I get like this, it's not about them. And here's the ways that they can help me get through that moment. And I hope that that feels so much more flexibly. and liberating for all of you than just getting into this mindset of like, this is my attachment style. I will be doomed to have this attachment style. And the only way I can break out of this is if I find a specific partner that never makes me feel that way. Because that is not going to happen. There are certainly partners who are not good for us and who are abusive or narcissistic

or really just awful to you that are going to make you live in that place. And you're always going to feel anxiously attached with them. That's not good. But a secure attachment also has levels of variation to it where you don't move totally out of secure attachment, but you certainly might have moments where you retreat back into those old patterns. And that is okay. That happens. What I want you to know is when that happens, how do I communicate it, deal with it, and get back to that secure, solid state of our relationship. All right, you have been listening to this podcast. And so as we wrap up here, I want you to know that I know that you are ready to make a change.

And you know how difficult it can be to navigate dysfunctional family relationships or you wouldn't be listening to this podcast. It's overwhelming and stressful when you're trying to break generational patterns without out the right support. At Calling Home, we provide expert support and the tools you need to untangle your family dynamics. Our program offers worksheets, videos, articles, and guides to help you foster healthier relationships every month, all created by me, a licensed family therapist. You can sign up for the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Callinghome.co. Receive monthly content focused on specific topics to help you transform your relationships and get access to our

course library and our online resources. Then you can join our weekly support groups to connect with other members and share experiences. If you don't take action now, I want you to think about what it would feel like to continue feeling isolated, stressed, and stuck in the same patterns. The emotional toll of dysfunctional family relationships can drain your energy and affect your happiness. Imagine a future where you feel empowered and connected with others who understand your journey and are armed with the tools to create healthier family dynamics. By joining us, you'll have the support to thrive as you break free from generational patterns. So I want to personally invite you to join the Family Cycle Workers Club today.

I will put the link to callinghome.com in the show notes, and I will see you on Thursday for another Q&A episode. Thank you. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice, or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Collin' Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.

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