CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Love the Teen You Have with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart

Episode Date: October 28, 2025

Whitney sits down with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist and author of the new book "Love the Teen You Have," to discuss practical strategies for parenting teens and pre-teens. They explore why the teenage years can be so challenging for parents, how to navigate individuation and identity development, and actionable tools for transforming conflict into connection—including how to handle difficult conversations about topics like sex, social media, and diverging values. Order Dr. Lockhart's new book: https://amzn.to/4hxwTQX Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles. Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466 Join the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠ Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhit Follow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft ⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic Positivity⁠⁠ Learn more about ad choices. Visit podcast.choices.com/adchoices This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. 00:00 Introduction to Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart and "Love the Teen You Have" 03:23 Why it's hard to parent the kid in front of you 05:40 Understanding individuation and teen identity development 12:09 Why connection matters more than control 20:38 Handling difficult conversations with your teen 36:20 Conversations about sex, drugs, social media, and other uncomfortable topics Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

With Amex Platinum, you have access to over 1,400 airport lounges worldwide. So your experience before takeoff is a taste of what's to come. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Conditions apply. Hello, everyone. And welcome back to the show. I'm excited to have a great interview episode for you today. Our guest is Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart.

And she is a pediatric psychologist, parent coach speaker, and author with a new. book. She's also the founder of a new day pediatric psychology and empowers families to move from chaos to connection using practical tools that are rooted in clinical experience and real life parenting. And I think that's what you're going to love most about this episode is that she gives you a lot of really tangible tools that you can use with your teen or preteen. We're really talking about kids age 9 to 19 in this episode. So whether you're a parent of younger children looking to kind of plan ahead and gain some knowledge or you are in the trenches with your teen, this episode will be helpful to you. Dr. Lockhart's new book is actually out today on

October 28th, 2025. And the book is called Love the Teen You Have, a practical guide to transforming conflict into connection. And we are going to talk in this episode about her book, how she decided to talk about teens, why she loves working with teens. And And what parents can do to actually make their life parenting their teen enjoyable. I think teens get a really bad rap and they're actually pretty amazing when we know how to interact with them and what to do. So without further ado, let's welcome Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart to the show. I love the title of your book.

And I'm wondering if you can start by telling us just what does it mean to love the teen that you have? Yeah. So that's why I was so looking forward to interviewing with you because of what you do and the type of healing work that you do with people. Because this story comes from my struggles as a teen with my own mom. And I didn't feel connected to her in a way that mattered to me that I needed her the most. She was a single mom, divorced. I was the youngest of three. And we didn't. understand each other. I didn't feel like she heard the pain that I had been going through. And so I didn't feel like because those things mattered to her, then I was kind of like, well, screw you. And 13 became my rebellious phase all throughout a couple of years. And we've healed since. And we've been able to reconcile a lot of those things. But the book Love the Teen You Have, it really came out of that pain that I don't want other parents to have to feel have to go through, or teens, for that matter. I work with teens and therapy as well as adults

and parent coaching. And a lot of their struggles in their current adult life often stems from childhood and teenage years. And so that whole premise of love the teen you have is really about seeing the teen in front of you, seeing the kid who's in front of you and loving them in all of their rebellion and flaws and pain and hurts and not parenting the way you were parented, but parenting the one in front of you. So that's all from my personal experiences, my 20 years as a clinician, just really being able to bring all of that together so that teens and parents have a different experience than I had. Why do you think it's so hard for parents to love that specific kid or parent that specific kid that's right in front of them? Because parents have in their

mind who they think they're going to have, right? They think they're going to have a kid like the one they were, athletic, straight-A student, cared about school, whatever it was, or they are parenting the kid they hope they don't have because maybe they were the bad kid that they were seen as. And so they have this imaginary kid in their mind that they're going to have. And so I think that struggle is they have this mindset of this is what parenting is what parenting is supposed to be like. This is what teenagers or kids are supposed to be like. And then sometimes it can be hard because then your teen shows up and they, mature into this being that is embarrassing to you or frustrating to you,

irritating, annoying, all the things, well, whatever it is. And it feels there's this conflict. There's this internal tension that's going on or external, for that matter. And so I think it's hard for many of those reasons because, like I've said many times on my Instagram that we, many times as parents, we parent imaginary kids. It's this kid you think you're going to have and then you feel disappointed in a way. And you don't want to say it out loud because then you're like, oh, you're a bad, for thinking that. But it's the reality. I hear it from parents all the time where they can come

and feel fully able to express, this is how I feel. And I feel bad for feeling this way. You're so right, I think, about that projection that happens, you know, before your child even comes into the world, right, where we have these ideas of they're going to be into these types of things and dress this way and this is who they're going to marry. And, you know, you know that I work mainly with adults who are struggling with their relationship with their family members, oftentimes their parents in adulthood. And it's so interesting how often this comes up where adults will say, like, I never felt like my parents really liked me or wanted to know who I am.

And I think a lot of that happens in those teen years and preteen years because that's when kids are really coming in to their own. And so I'm wondering, what do you see parents really struggling with as their kids develop into becoming teenagers in those areas, you know, of self-expression and being curious about who their child is? A big one I see that comes up all the time is this stage of individuation. It is a normal stage of adolescent development to individuate to be your own separate person apart from your parent. So parents have this idea, well, this is what my values are. This is what we believe. This is how we dress. This is what we do on Sundays. This is what we do on Wednesdays. This is how we go on vacation. This is what we eat.

This is how we wear our hair, any of those kinds of things. This is how we speak. And then you have this teenage, this child that you're raising that kind of goes along with it because that's all they know and they are joined to the hip and they believe and look at every word and hear every word you say and it's like yes mommy yes daddy this is what we believe and then this individuation pops up and now they prefer social media or online in relationships or friends peers their own things they want to eat their own foods you have a family of meat eaters and now you've got this vegan Like it's all these things that can happen because this teen, this preteen is trying to find how they can become their own individual apart from you.

And that's really hard for a lot of parents because a lot of parents, I see teenagers all the way through adults. And a lot of times parents will bring in their teenagers for therapy because they think there's something wrong with them because they're thinking their own things. They have their own mind. They don't want to hang out with me anymore. up with that, you know? And it's like, well, that's actually normal. Like, your little peanut is no longer wanting to be with you all the time. They have friends and interests that belong to them that are

separate from you. And the more you push, many times, the more they'll pull away. And so this push pull is a real challenge for a lot of parents and grandparents who are raising their preteens and teens. Yeah, I think, you know, everything you're saying are things that I hear from adults about that period of life, right? And I think there's so many ways you can control your children if you wanted to, you know, when they're young, right? Yeah. Of taking things from them, only giving them access to certain things. I find that it becomes increasingly harder for parents to quote unquote like punish or control their children as teens. And I've even heard from parents being like, I don't have anything left except to like take their

cell phone, take the keys from their car in an effort to assert control. I think a lot of times out of fear and like losing that power. And you just brought this up, like that push pull of the more you control them, kind of the more they pull away. And so I'm wondering if you can talk about one, why that's not helpful to try to control your teen in that way. And what are some of the ways that can actually backfire? Well, it's really less about the control and it's more about the connection.

And that's the whole point why I said, love the team you have in my book. Because, yeah, you're right. When you see books on babies and potty training and walking and talking and schooling and early school age and there's a lot of control, you can take things away, you can speak to them in a certain way. you can have these consequences that everything that can really shape their behavior. But when they start to become preteens and teens, and when I say tweens and teens, it's like it's really a wide age age.

It's nine to 19. So these teens are coming into their own and they're realized, they're more connected to the world and friends. So they now know what's going on in other households. And what we do is old fashioned or dumb or doesn't make sense. And so all of these things come up and parents are thinking, oh, well, I have to do what I always did. So parents that I meet with that maybe they were spanked. And so they were spanking their own toddlers.

And they were like, oh, I realized I saw the research and I see what they say. Oh, that's wrong. So now I can't spank. So what do I do when they do something wrong then? And I always emphasize to parents, it's really about doing less when you're parenting a teen. Don't focus on all the control and the lectures and the nagging and the taking away and the punishments. it's about building them up into a healthy, well-adapted adult because they're going to be leaving your home soon. So do you want them to leave your home kicking and screaming and hating you

and not wanting a relationship with you so that 20 years in the future now you have to reconcile or are you trying to build them up, connect with them in meaningful ways, and choose battles that make more sense and really not even choosing battles because Because, for example, they can't keep their room clean, and you're always fussing at them for it. And parents are like, well, they should know how to clean their room. Well, yeah, they should, but is it worth losing the relationship over? And if they can't do it, is it because maybe they don't have the skill? Is it maybe there's something else going on?

And one of the things I always talk about, like with not just the conflict, but having the connection, it's about getting curious about what's driving this behavior. So you have a disconnected teen or you have one that's rude, failing their grades, sneaking around, doing shady stuff, can't keep their room clean and it's always messy. Like rather than focusing on the behavior that you see in front of you, get curious about what's driving the behavior. What's behind it? So that would be something like my mom and I talked about when I was a teen.

Well, when we talk about when I was a teen, is yes, I was rebellious. But why was I rebellious? It wasn't because I hated you. It wasn't because I didn't care about you. I didn't love you. That wasn't the reason. The reason is because when I came to you about something that was really hurting me and it was important to me, you dismissed it. And because I saw that that didn't matter to you, that's what my interpretation was, then I don't care about what matters to you about what I do from here on out then.

I'll just do whatever the heck that I want. And I think that as parents, we have to get more curious about. behavior rather than looking at their intent behind it and thinking that it's some shady intent no let's look and get curious about what's driving it so that we can speak to that behavior instead because what i hear from most teenagers is that they feel misunderstood they don't feel seen by their grown-ups by their parents their caregivers and when they don't feel understood they're going to get louder and that might be through their cussing their voice their obnoxious behavior, seeing more slang, whatever it is, they start to turn the volume up because you clearly

didn't hear me when I said this. So now I'm going to really make sure that you hear me now. Yeah, yeah. I think, you know, there's two things you're saying here that I want to sort of like flesh out even more because I think it's so important. The first being that I think a lot of parents are raised to sort of from that generation, like if we're looking at maybe Gen X, boomers, there's this thought of like, if your kid is doing something, they are bad and you need to make them not be bad, right? And so there's not a lot of self-reflection. And you're talking more about what can we look at why the behavior might be happening, what's going on in the family. And so I'm wondering if you can speak to like how parents might be able to move out of that

headspace with their teenagers of seeing them as their behavior yeah that is a hard one that is a hard one because i'm part of gen x raised by silent generation i believe right right um and so silent generation boomers gen x all of that big big time span that's how we were raised that you were your behavior so you have bad grades you're a bad student your room is messy you're lazy You know, you didn't clean up after yourself that you're a slob. Like your behavior dictated your identity. And to undo that is so hard for so many people. Because it is this one to one.

If I'm faithful to my spouse, they will always be faithful to me. If I work hard at my job, then they will keep me forever. You know, I work hard and I get a raise. Like there's this always, I do something and good things happen. So there's something bad happens. then it was because I did something bad. And so we continually do that to ourselves. So when I'm working with parents, they even say the same thing.

Well, I must be a bad parent because look at what my kid is doing. And I'm like, don't do that to yourself. They have autonomy and free will. And you could do everything right. And for them, you may still not be meeting a need that they have. And so this mindset of changing. And I think millennials, when they, moved into that, they're realizing, oh, I don't, I don't want that. So then they started shifting.

And then Gen Z is definitely turning everything on its head, right? Like, uh-uh, you cannot do this anymore. I have my own mind. Adults need to respect kids to, and they are absolutely right. And but this older generation of theirs is like, well, no, I'm the adult. You need to respect me. So a lot of this stuff, it's really a shift in mindset. And it is very hard to shift that because people think then you're being a snowflake, you're being soft, you're enabling. And no, this is the way it should have always been. It's just that we didn't know better. So now we do. And so we should shift. But I think what happens is that then we shift the pendulum all the way to the other way. So we go from this authoritarian parenting to this gentle, overly permissive

parenting that people view as gentle as permissive. And so they think that it means letting my kid talk to me however I want. It's like, no, we can go somewhere in the middle. It doesn't have to be either or. It's respectful, authoritative, where you're speaking collaboratively with your teen and you're engaging with your kid. But for a lot of the previous generations, it's a hard thing because that's not what we were raised at. Absolutely. And I don't know if you feel this way, but to me, as a parent, like, I think that sweet spot in the middle requires us to see our children as capable and believe in them. Right. And so to say, like, I hold you to this standard and I believe that you can meet these milestones or these requests or do these things in the home, not because I'm punishing you and I don't like you, but because I want to make you, you know, a person who's able to live amongst others and be helpful and be accountable for yourself. And I believe that you can do that. And I think that can go a lot farther than make you.

someone feel like I'm doing all of this to you because you need to be sort of like punished into submission. I feel like teens especially really rebel against that. Yeah, they absolutely do rebel against that because it's more control. And because they are trying to be autonomous, they're trying to be independent. They're trying to individuate. If they even get a whiff that you're trying to run things, control, barge into their room without knocking, be present during their doctor's appointments, ask their therapist what y'all talked about. Yeah, they're going to push back because they need to have their own space. And it's so interesting because I know you get this a lot when you talk about breaking cycles with adults, adult children and their parents and people

like, oh, you're telling people they hate their parents. No, that is not what I'm saying. Right. And so when I talk about the same thing about respecting your teens space, that triggers a lot of adults, they're like, well, no, what if they're being shady and looking at stuff on their computer? Well, then you need to have parent control apps on those devices. Well, what if they're sneaking out the house and I don't know what they're doing? Then you need to have more supervision over your teenager and talk to them about what they're doing. Like, it doesn't mean that if they're doing these shady things and you're not sure about what's going on in their life, that means you need to parent more. You need to connect more. You need to engage more. It doesn't mean. It doesn't

mean that you take away all of their independence and their right to have privacy. So that's something that I think is just really hard for a lot of people to switch gears on because although I felt like my mom did give me a lot of autonomy, again, I didn't have, she used to go through my stuff all the time like I was in prison. She would toss my room and look through my drawers and look through stuff, catch me in something, you know? And, you know, I think that's how people often think that's how they're supposed to do with their teenagers. But the issue then is that they find things and they'll tell me, oh, I found this. And I'm like, so do they know that you were going through their stuff? Well, no. Okay, so now you found this questionable thing and now you need to address it. But now

you don't want to tell them that you were looking through their stuff. So then what are you going to do with this information? Well, that's not good. So then they're asking them these strategic questions trying to entrap them into telling them the truth. And I'm like, well, that's not the relationship you want. Yeah, it certainly doesn't like inspire honesty, you know. I was raised very much by parents who were like, we would rather know what you're doing than like find out when something bad happens. And I felt like, you know, this also has a lot to do with my personality and just how I was, but I felt like it made me a lot more honest because I was like, oh, they're, they're on my side. They're going to help me if something goes wrong.

I didn't feel like I had a huge need to hide or cover things up because it was, it was okay. I mean, I'm sure if I was trying to do something really egregious, like there would have been an issue. But having that open dialogue of like, hey, I want to do this and there being a conversation around it, rather than it just being like, you're not allowed to leave the house. You're grounded. Quit sneaking around. Like, I'm wondering if you can speak to how to make it more of like a collaborative process between, parent and teen, because I think that's the first time in the relationship for a lot of parents and their children that it can become that instead of this just like top down.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I'll give you an example. So several months ago, my daughter is 15 and my son is 13. And several months ago, my daughter, she has a phone, a cell phone, and I have a parent control app. So typically, the way I have it is I will have her phone go to sleep at 10 and wake up at 7 40 or something like that. And so she doesn't have access to any notifications or anything like that. But she found a loophole. And I was going to bed and I heard something. And it was like, I think 11 o'clock at night or something.

And she was on the phone with somebody. And I knocked it open really quickly. And I said, are you on your phone? And she's like, I, like, how can you lie? You're not talking to yourself, right? And so I was so angry. I was so angry because we talked about this. And so I said, okay, let me have your phone and we'll talk about this tomorrow.

And I don't like taking away phones as a consequence. However, this merited that decision. And I also needed to calm down. And so I took the phone and the next day I told her, I said, you know that I have these parameters in place for a reason, right? Right. What is the reason? Well, because you want me to get a good night's rest and I don't, nothing good happens late at night on the phone. Right. Exactly. What our parents used to say about us being on the road. Right. Exactly. Nothing good happens. And I said, and I've told you very openly my relationship with my mom and how sneaky I was and how it wasn't very good for a very long time. Right. Right. And I don't want you to feel like you have to sneak to get your needs met. So tell me. tell me about being on the phone that late at night. And she was like, well, I was feeling really sad.

And my friend was really encouraging me. And that's why I was on the phone. And I'm like, well, that makes complete sense to me. And I said, and if you need that support from a friend, I'm fine with that. Even if it's past curfew hours. But I just need you to tell me that. So that way doesn't seem like you're sneaking it. And she's like, okay.

And I said, I don't want us to have the kind of relationship where you need to sneak and lie to get your needs met. You can have your needs met. I said every time you've asked me for more time, whether it's for homework or support, tutoring, help with a friend or just talking to a friend, almost 95% of the time I'm saying yes, am I not? Yes. So there's no reason to be sneaky. And so I think that's the thing we have to be able to have this collaborative relationship, but it doesn't need to be, I'm in control, no phone for a month. Like, well, that's ridiculous, right? Because what are, what is she learning? She's learning to sneak better in the future right and so I think as our teens get older we still have these guidelines these these these

parameters around things but we start to loosen up more and we have this collaborative discussion so we get curious about their behavior so if they do something that seems like it's a breach of a rule we get curious about it I noticed that you were on your phone tell me about that or you know I I talked to you about doing the laundry and you didn't do it all weekend. Help me understand what's going on. You have a project due in three days. Tell me your plan for getting it done, right? Like, that's the collaborative language that it's not this top-down.

I know everything and I'm the seer of everything because that's dangerous when we do that because then teens are thinking, oh, well, we know everything. So then when bad things happen to them, well, why didn't you know about that? you know and so this collaborative more equal footing it's not that you're one of their little friends but you're saying that you i care about you i respect you i expect respect as well but we can talk about this because then once they leave your house in a few years you want them to be able to critically think on their own to be able to make decisions to weigh the pros and cons okay, well, I could be on TikTok till 3 a.m.

And I have to wake up six for work. Oh, I should just turn it off. I should turn off notifications. I should go to sleep. You want them to be able to think independently that way and not have this fear of punishment because they make poor choices. It's the matcha or the three ensemble

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I love what you just described because I think what sticks out to me the most there is that you're prioritizing, your daughter's

health, her wellness, her mental health, all of that, not just by having restrictions on the phone, but by showing that you also care about what she's doing with the phone. And she was getting a need met through that by talking to a friend and getting support from a friend. And I think by sort of sitting with her and being like, I want you to be okay. I want you to be able to get support. I understand that the phone sometimes is a tool to get that. So how can we work together, I feel just like further solidifies, like if I put myself in that teen position of like, okay, my mom cares about me and she wants to make sure I'm okay. And so next time I'm not feeling good and I feel like I need to talk to someone or I need to talk to her. I'm going to go to her

in those moments, which I think is what every parent, you know, wants for the most part is to know that when our kids are in trouble or they need something, they're going to feel safe coming to us. Absolutely. Yeah. That collaboration is so important. It was, I was also thinking, you know, as you're talking, when I work with adults who are estranged or have difficult relationships with their parents, often what happens is like they get to these really big adult milestones, typically marriage, having children. Yeah. Where this is the first time that they really have to individuate and set maybe the strict dispense. boundaries that they ever had with their parents. And this is a really difficult time for those parents that have not allowed their child to leave the nest, like emotionally and metaphorically. And I'm wondering if you can speak to why it's so important and helpful for parents to sort of

slowly release their grip over the life cycle so that they don't get to that point of feeling so terrified when their child does that. That is an excellent. question. I see, because I've been in practice for so long in the same area, I have the amazing privilege of being able to see people from, like, through different stages of their life. There are clients that I have that come back periodically who are like in their mid-20s and I met them when they're like 14, you know? And so it's awesome to be able to help them move through those stages, their struggles, feeling mentally healthy and accomplished, but also helping their parents help them get there as well too. And that is so important because I tell parents you

cannot parent kids the same way at different stages. The way you parent a baby versus a toddler versus school age versus a teenager versus a college student versus an adult, it needs to adapt. You need to be a different parent. So you can't say, well, I've been doing the same thing this whole time. Well, you shouldn't be doing the same thing this whole time. And what you're trying to do is build them up and give them skills to be able to be their own person, to handle relationship, to be able to see red flags and friendships and romantic relationships, to know how to speak up for themselves when a professor tells them something disrespectful or a boss says something rude. Like those things are really important to be able to do and to loosen that grip, as you say,

because then if they, if they're so enmeshed with you as their parents, so say you have a amazing relationship with your team. But it's so amazing that they can't make any decision unless they're talking to you about it. Then, well, that's great that you have such a great relationship, but they also have to be able to make these split second decisions in the moment or how to manage themselves and their own life, their own relationships, their own milestones as well, too. So I really believe one thing I talk about a lot on my page and my platform is executive functioning. And these are all the things that are happening in our brain until mid-20s. where learning how to make decisions,

how to weigh the pros and cons of things, emotional regulation, frustration tolerance, planning, time management. So those are all skills that we should be building up in our teens so that when they leave our nest, they know how to do it for themselves. And then that way you're not 360ing them all throughout their life, say, oh, I saw you spent too much money at the gas station,

what you buy, you know, like we don't want that. because we want them to feel like they can be their own individual. And because that creates a lot of risks in relationships. Because I do have several adult clients as well who've had this fracture with their parents and their guardians and really having to appear that because of a lot of those things, not feeling prepared for the world or feeling smothered by their parents and not feeling like they can go to them for things unless they do everything perfect and exactly the way their parents want.

Yeah. That's a lot of pressure. No, it is. And it's, it becomes this feeling, I think, of like, I can only have a relationship with you if these conditions are met, which doesn't feel good. And you as an adult, you, you don't know who you are. And I think sometimes when people feel that way, they can make choices, too, that are not even what they want to do or who they want to be simply just to be rebellious, right?

Or to not be like their parent that something that's been helpful for me as a mom just to like sort of slow drip that feeling of lose, you know, your kid growing up and my kids are very young is like trying to give them control over things that they can. So like what clothes they're putting on on the weekends, what they want to eat for breakfast that morning, you know, obviously within reason. But having these like developmentally appropriate like ways of individuating, I think can be so helpful for the child, but also for you as a parent to be like that's not mine to control and that way as you see them growing and they become an adult you're like oh i've been watching them grow into this person this whole time and it might not be exactly

what i expected or what i thought but like it's it's an amazing thing i think when you can let it happen little by little over time rather than just waking up one day and being like oh my gosh they're an adult right and it's okay to prepare in advance you know so people are like well, when should I start building these skills? Well, you start building it, like he said, the choosing their own clothes, what they eat, you know, whether they hold your hand or walk on their own, whatever it is.

Like you can give them these small opportunities so that way you're not waiting for when they hit 13 to then start helping them learn the skills with laundry or cooking or cleaning or whatever it is. Or it's just speaking their mind, how to speak up for themselves, how to make friends, how to break up with a friend, like being able to give them those skills.

but it really starts with having a relationship with them. It starts with them knowing they can come to you for anything, even if it's something you don't agree with. And so, you know, I always tell parents to have this attitude of curiosity because many times tweens and teens are funny this way. That's why I really love working with them, I think, because I think they're so hilarious. And I can see behind their intention.

So when they say things like, I'm thinking of having like a full body tattoo. like they say something like that. It's like, ooh, what would that look like? What colors? Like, would it coordinate with your hair? Like, what are you thinking? Right? Because they're just doing that to get a rise out of you most of times when they sing something that extreme. And they love it when they see their parents like their eye twitch and they're like, what's not in my house you woe? You know? And now they got you. Right? And I'm like, no, get curious. Like, are they being funny? Are they being sarcastic? Are they trying to connect? And they don't know how else to do it,

except through conflict. A lot of teens and parents connect through conflict and they get baited every time. So get curious instead and lean into it. My daughter asked me the other day, like, you know, how would you feel like I got a tattoo? And she asked this question because she has a cousin who is in her late 30s, who her dad gave her the silent treatment for two months after she got a tattoo on her. Where did she get it? On her ankle, I think it was, like two. And she's big. I mean, it was like, you're a grown woman. And he was so mad.

And he just cut her off and gave her the silent treatment for like two months. And so it was like, anyway, so she was like, how would you feel like I got like cute little like musical note on my wrist? I was like, oh, that sounds super cute. You know? And so like things like that, especially that she laughed. She's like, I don't think I want that. I'm like, okay. You know, so it's, I just think we have to know that sometimes our teens will try to rage bait us.

and we have to understand that it's important about being curious and leaning in versus freaking out. It's so funny you say this is about tattoos because my husband has tattoos. And so the other day, my four-year-old son was like, oh, I want to get a tattoo like dad. And I was like, I don't know why this was the first thing that came out of my mouth. But I was like, oh, that's cool. Like you can get one later, but you know that they use needles to do tattoos. And he hates needles, like the doctor, all of that. And he was like, oh, I don't want one of those.

anymore. I was like, okay. I probably should have approached with a little more curiosity, but that really shut the conversation. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, but you know, the thing is sometimes our responses are an autopilot, honestly, you know? Yeah. But again, I always tell parents that however you respond, you can always repair, you can always backtrack.

You could all say, okay, wait, that didn't come out right. Let's try that again. And you can do a redo. If they do into video games, like you can rewind, you can do a redo, you can say, okay, that was way out of pocket. Let me try that one again. So it's like it's okay to repair that. It's okay to stand back and do that.

Like, again, many of us didn't get that kind of parenting and upbringing. So it does feel foreign and it feels like you're punking out because you said something and now you're backing out. But I think it also gives your team the opportunity to know that you can say something and you can repair it. You can change it. You can revisit it. It's never too late.

And that's what most adults I talk to are asking for from their parents, right? They're not looking for perfection. They're looking for the ability to be reflective, accountable, apologize, do something better. And that's an amazing skill to model for your kids, too, to show them that, like, long-term relationships are about rifts and repair, right? That's how we keep going. It's not that they just stay close naturally with, no repair at all. Like I think, you know, when I think about my marriage or people I'm really close

with, like, there's apologies and repair and starting over happening sometimes 10 times a day. You know, like it's just part of the drill. There was one other thing I wanted to ask you. I saw a TikTok the other day where this dad was talking about how parents today really need to get comfortable. parents of teens, really need to get comfortable talking about things like sex, drugs, social media, the internet that there's, we're no longer living in a world where you can say, like, I don't know about those things or I didn't know what to say. And I'm wondering if you can speak to how not only important it is to be able to have those conversations with your kids, but also how parents can get past any of their own discomfort that they have around those topics.

Yeah, those are tough for a lot of parents because many of their parents didn't have those same conversations and they kind of accidentally found out about it or through peers, right, or through porn. And so that's probably not the best way to find out about these things. This is a very distorted view. So I agree. I believe that because even I remember as a kid, as a preteen, I was very comfortable asking my mom these questions about those things and she was not comfortable at all. And she gave me this huge book about sex and reproduction that probably was not the best approach

because it was like too detailed. But, you know, but then I got fascinating. I was like, ooh, and I started educating my friends on, on this. I called myself a sex education teacher. So anyway, that's probably not the best way to do it. But I think we have to get more comfortable and realize that it is uncomfortable. And then tell your preteen, tell your team, well, that's a really great question. It's really hard for me to answer that because that is.

is something that I'm not familiar with answering, or I feel uncomfortable answering. So let's get comfortable together. Or let's look on Amazon. Let's look online. Let's go to the bookstore, go to the library, and find some books that are appropriate for you, and we can read through it together. And so I tell parents that if you don't feel comfortable, just kind of freewheeling it and just kind of talking about it, then order a book designed to talk about, for example,

sex or drugs or the Internet or whatever it is that is targeted to that particular topic and then read through it together. And so I did that with my kids where we would read through it like a bedtime story. And we would go through different things around the weekend and then answer and ask those questions. And yeah, it did feel uncomfortable and it was so weird. And I told my mom this. I'm like, it's so weird because I felt so comfortable asking these things of you when I was a kid.

But it feels so uncomfortable as a parent. She goes, ditto. I felt with you. And she's like, yeah, because you're now in a different position. It's different. It just feels uncomfortable. And so I think we have to lean into the discomfort and know that, yeah, I'm uncomfortable. You can say that it does feel that way, but we'll work through this together.

And I want to make sure that I answer your questions. Right. Yeah, but leaning into the discomfort because most parents I talk to, they're highly uncomfortable talking about it. Yeah, totally. And I'm processing that discomfort, I think, you know, with your friends that are having those same conversations with their kids or family or spouse, whatever, I think can be helpful. Like, it's allowed to be awkward and funny and weird, but I always come back to like, I want my kid asking me, not somebody else or going, you know, on the internet on their own or learning from a friend that maybe doesn't have all the right information. So trying to get ahead of it, you know, is helpful.

Definitely. Definitely. Awesome. Well, I want to thank you so much for coming on the show today. I think that our listeners are going to love your book. If you could tell us just a little bit about when your book is coming out, where they can get it, all that good stuff. Yeah, definitely.

So it's called Love the Teen You Have. And it's available for pre-order and will be released on October 28th. It's available Kindle audiobook that I narrated and also hardcover. And you can get it wherever books are sold online. And it's really helping those individuals who have 9 to 19-year-olds and want to have transform their relationship with their preteen and their team to have more connection, less conflict. And it's really a book that is your manual to go through all the different things that you might go through talking about their development, why they do what they do. And then I have

the most common questions I've gotten over my 20 years. And it's kind of like a rapid fire. What about this? This is what you do? So that way it's a really quick reference. It's a question I often get from parents a lot. Well, what do I do if they're copying attitude? What if I just want my alone time? What if they're, you know, my co-parents and I aren't on the same page? Like, I have all of those rapid fire questions as well, too. Because really, what I want people to know is that it's, it doesn't have to keep being the way that it is. And you can have a better, more connected relationship. And you can heal that relationship. I believe that it's number too late. I agree. Thank you so much. And this must be fate. I don't know if I did this by design,

but this episode is going to be coming out on the release date of your book. So that's amazing. So when people are listening to this, you can already go and order it and get it. And thank you again so much for coming on the show. Yes. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for listening to the show today. I hope that you took away some tools that you can implement in your life today with your teen or the other teens in your life. As you know, we have a subscription community called the Family Cycle Breakers Club. This is our community outside of social media, away from the podcast, where you can meet other people. people just like you that are going through similar dysfunctional family dynamics or just trying to

build stronger, healthier family systems. We have unlimited support groups for people who are adult children emotionally immature parents working through estrangement with a parent or estrangement from a family member. We also have groups for daughters with dysfunctional mothers and we have our rotating topic group. For the entire month of October, we have been talking about illness and disability in dysfunctional family systems. We are wrapping up that topic now, but if you join the Family Cycle Breakers Club, you can always get access to all of the content that is on our website. Every week, we deliver a new article, script, worksheet, and video to our members, and that content is yours as long as your membership is active. For the month

of November, we are going to be talking about parentification at Calling Home. This This is going to include emotional parent sharing too much with you, asking you to take care of their emotional needs or logistical parentification, which includes doing things like paying bills for your family, taking over the household at too young of an age. And we're going to help you work on how those patterns have affected you as an adult and learn what great skills you learned from that that you want to keep and what you might want to let go of. in the month of November, we are also going to have a special Thanksgiving group and I will be doing some special Thanksgiving episodes and extra pieces of content for all of you that might be celebrating Thanksgiving in the U.S. at the end of November and need some help managing your dysfunctional family relationships or just like who you're spending time with this holiday, how to say no, who to say yes to, all of that. We also have a very comprehensive holiday

content library on our website. So if you go to callinghome.com, click on the little search icon at the top left and type in holiday, you will see countless scripts, videos, worksheets, journal prompts, articles to help you with any of the typical dysfunctional family dynamics that tend to come up around the holidays. We would love to see you inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. It is the perfect addition to this podcast and the perfect extension for any of you that are like, you know what, I am finally ready to do something different, take control of my family life, and create a family that I really love and enjoy and want to be a part of. You can visit www.callinghome.co to join the family cycle breakers

club today. Thanks so much for listening. And don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave us a review or a comment. Bye. I'll see you soon. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colin Holm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes' terms of service linked in the show notes below.