CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - My Estrangement is Giving Me Migraines and Stomachaches

Episode Date: September 3, 2026

In this Q&A episode, Whitney answers two questions from listening asking what their responsibility is to people who aren’t going to change. In question one: a stepmom asks how much to intervene with a 19 year old stepson who is getting pulled back into a controlling household. In question two: a woman who seeks advice about parents who give her migraines and stomachaches every time they call.Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club: https://callinghome.coFollow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmftOrder Whitney's book, Toxic Positivity: https://sitwithwhit.com/toxic-positivitySign up for updates on Whitney's new book: https://cmnyyv4kpyt.typeform.com/to/PHMzjy0oThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back to the Calling Home podcast. Today is a Q&A episode. So I'm answering two questions that came in from listeners. And while they're in a little bit different positions, I think they're both kind of circling the same problem, which is what do you do when people around you are not going to change? The first question comes from a stepmom in a blended family. There are two households with two completely different parenting styles and kids who are technically adults now, but still very much in the middle of it. Her question is about what your job actually is once you can't control the environment that your kids are in. The second question comes from someone who has been on and off estranged from her parents. She's done a lot of work in therapy. She feels ready to let a little contact back in, but her body keeps saying no. Her question is about what you do when your head and your nervous system seem to disagree. If you're working on this stuff in your own family, the family cycle breakers club is where you go deeper on it, every single. single month. We now have monthly membership plans as low as 2499 a month, and you can learn more

at calling home.co. All right, I'm going to go ahead and read you that first caller question. Thank you so much for your content on family relationships, as it has helped me greatly be a better parent to help guide my kids into adulthood. I have been wanting to write you for a while now, but I never quite knew how to phrase my question. Your most recent podcast on authoritative parenting finally helped me pinpoint the key issue we may be dealing with. I will give a little background information first before I get to my question. We are a blended family of four kids for about 12 years now, ages ranging from 18 to 23. One still in high school, two just starting college, and one in grad school. Two are mine, two are his. We mainly have raised my two, but have co-parented or attempted to

with my husband's ex-wife and her husband for quite some time. We lived within two miles of each other. It was not an easy dynamic, and I wish it had been better, but my husband was a very active and involved dad, and we have an excellent relationship with the kids. Unfortunately, the type of parents you were describing in your last podcast is how his children see their mother. My husband and their stepfather have often been passive, and all of this became very a parent in the early teen years, and we were able to get both teens into therapy for about

two years. Some issues were solved, some issues improved, but the controlling nature of parenting still remained as mom would not actively participate in therapy for more than a few sessions. The maturity levels between my own children and his teens was astonishing. It was almost as if their worldview had been so limited and warped that they would be very dependent for a long time. At this point, I convinced my husband that we needed to pick it up and do the best we could to help both kids mature, get them talking about their futures, what they wanted to do. We went on all the college tours, got them cars, paid for college, set up their bank accounts, help them get jobs, helped with class schedules, taught adult life skills, as much as we could to encourage independence. All of the

adulting things. Being passive and just going along with the flow to avoid conflict was no longer the way to handle things. Dad had taken over on a lot of other things for the kids in the past. This should not be any different. This, of course, led to even more conflict between parents than there already was because we were not following the script. We got really good at boundaries and doing what needed to be done and what was best for the kids. We really encouraged independence, making their own choices, self-differentiation, just giving them permission to be themselves. and because I know they were being told the opposite. I got really great at being a cheerleader for their success because they were used to constant

criticism. One graduated, things seemed relatively smooth considering the changes and off to college he went. He seemed to be doing well and we took a breath for the first time in a while. As the semester went on and Christmas break came, things were abnormally quiet on our end. The co-parent who consistently blew up my husband's phone went completely silent. It turns out that the control level has gone up about 20 levels of my stepson in the last six months. We barely saw either of them over break or if he came home on weekends. It was limited visits when typically they would stop over and hang out at our house often.

So we started asking questions and eventually the truth came back out. All of the old's control tactics, such as taking Christmas money and debit cards, were back in full force. If they go out with friends or significant others, their phones blow up for hours. If they visit us for too long, the accusations that we are breaking up their family began. The threats they will get kicked out of the family are happening at least once a week. The never-ending bullying family group text messages, full of triangulation and plenty of manual labor around the house, is required before they can go anywhere. It's very difficult for us because we can't tell two other adults what to do or how to behave. We try our best to lead by example, and we recognize they have grown up in two completely different households.

Last night, we randomly ran into mom and her husband at a restaurant. Tried to say hello. Stepdad smiled, but she looked at us like we killed their dog and immediately ran out. I thought, really, after all this time, they still hate us. Why? What have we actually done wrong? We've always been here. My husband paid for college, bought them cars, done all the dad things more than most

dads, and still we are horrible. I listened to your podcast today, and I realized it isn't even about us per se. It is that we represent the complete opposite of everything they have tried to instill in these kids, that mom is the boss, she has the final say, and she has all the money, all the power, makes all the decisions. Is that what this is? What else can we possibly do to make this any better? We have offered my stepson to get back into therapy on his own, as he seems to be leading a double life between his mom's house and college. He uses our house address to hide packages, debit cards, et cetera, from his mom. Do we put a stop to this?

My husband owns his vehicle and has put restrictions on how often he can drive the car back home about 90 miles one way. As mom has demanded, he come home almost every weekend to do house chores and uses him as the family therapist. Do we put restrictions on things like that anymore? We are at a loss on what else to do in this situation, as we are often the ones blamed or the middle man who gets used to enable the ongoing issues. He is just barely 19 and does not have a fully formed brain yet, so I do understand why he does the things he does to pacify. his mom. How do we as the opposing parents help guide him through this? Thank you so much for your help. If you're able to answer, that would be wonderful. I think we can both see where this is going if it continues. So the first question I want to answer here, it's like this feeling of what did we do

wrong. It doesn't sound like to me that you did from the details you're presenting here, like that you did anything that incorrect or that obvious. What's happening here is there are two very different parenting styles that are happening simultaneously with young adults who are also trying to work out how they seek independence, what kind of adults they're going to be, and they are being presented with two different scripts. One is that in order to be close to mom, you need to oblige to this type of controlling dynamic. You need to do things for mom. You need to be there for her. We need to show up when she tells you to show up. And in the other households, there is more freedom and mom doesn't like that. And so the child may even feel stuck between

what they want, what mom wants, what their inner selves are telling them they need at this time, and also what's happening in your house. This particular child that you're talking about, the one that's like 18, 19, he's not a kid anymore, right? And this is a really precarious stage because you're not co-parenting in the same way that you were before. Presumably, even though it might not feel like it, this adult child gets to decide where they go and when. And of course, there are consequences and there are restrictions on that. But you certainly seem like you don't want to get in the middle, quote unquote, and be the one that's saying like, you shouldn't be seeing your mom. Your mom shouldn't be this because you guys have tried for many years to try to co-parent together.

I think the goal shifts here into trying to be a safe space for him to land, trying to be someone that is there to help him work through this stage of life, and to be the type of parent that you want to be in this situation. So modeling that type of openness and courtesy and realizing that you can't force him out of this dynamic with his mother. And things have likely, been this way with his mother for a very long time, it seems like. But now that you have sort of pulled back some and he is away in college, the differences are becoming even more glaring because mom is not adjusting to this stage of life in the way that you and your husband are. The thing I think you want to be very careful here is not to become each other's opposition.

And I know you can't control that with mom, but instead not putting, not putting this son in the middle and making them choose and making them decide where their loyalty lies. Instead, making your home a place that they want to be. Being a steady leader, being a solid parent, they can come to you, they can feel safe in your home, they want to come home, they want to be there. They're not doing it out of guilt or obligation and you're not making them choose between their mother and you. And I think even though that can feel hard in the short term, I do think that it is the winner

in the long term for both you and this adult. Because it doesn't sound like you want to parent from that authoritative fear place that mom is parenting from. And I do think that there is a different tie there because that is his mother. And he's having to navigate, how can I stay close to her while also establishing my own freedom, which is exactly what we're talking about at calling home in the month of September when we're talking about differentiation and individuation. And it gets very, very hard for these young adults when they want to become their own person. And mom is demanding more and more obedience and closeness

and sticking with her. And it will become much easier for him to be himself with all of you than it is for him to be himself with her. And you don't need to disparage her or attack her or be her opposition for him to feel that. Now, when you brought up the car, I think that there's different ways to approach this. Of course, it is okay to have boundaries around maybe how many miles are being put on the car if you're paying for it or what is safe or gas money, things like that. But when it becomes a discussion about like you can't drive home to your mother every time she asks, that can feel a little bit like we don't want you to use the car for that because you're going to see your mom. And so even if you are sort of putting in the same boundary, I think there's better

ways to phrase it that can make it a little bit more collaborative and even talking to them about this. Like, hey, your mom's asking you to like drop everything and drive 90 miles at the drop of a hat. Like, how do you feel about that? Is that something that you want to be doing? You know, how much is gas for that? What time are you driving at? Like making sure that this isn't just you guys trying to put limits on the car because you don't want him to drive to see his mom because you think it's crazy that she's asking him. And instead maybe trying to make the boundary about something else, but also empowering him to be able to say no. Because that's something that's happening at this age as well is that these young adults have to learn that they can say no to their

parent. They can say, mom, I cannot come home this weekend. And that might be something that this young adult has never even done with their parent. They don't know that they're even allowed to do that. And so how can you make them feel like that is a choice that they're allowed to make, that that's something that is appropriate and allowed within the family? It's also really important not to make these adults be the middleman and for you not to be the middleman. These are adults. You all are two separate households who are doing things differently. It sounds like at this point, while yes, that is situation with mom is not great, it doesn't sound like there is a imminent risk of harm here to that adults.

And so can you instead try to make it where they are allowed to make decisions about where they spend their time, what they do with each of you, and you are not putting yourselves or them in the middle of all of that? And so you need to also stop being the middleman in group texts and things like that and allow this mother to just communicate with her children and allow her children to communicate with her and to set boundaries with her. If things escalate and you feel like there is harm, that's a different story. Now, I also think, you know, when you're naming all of these things that you and your husband have done, like the college, the car, the bank account, like these are all wonderful things and I'm sure

they've made a very positive impact on these children's lives. But there is a chance that you're never going to get that recognition from mom about all the things that you've done. And there's a million reasons why you may not get that recognition. But I think it's important to just focus on what is being done for the child, how they are benefiting from it, why you are doing it, and try to leave her out of it. The other thing I want you to do is try to really focus on. what you can control here, which is consistency, how you all show up and being reliable,

not criticizing him, not criticizing his mother, having an open door with this adult that doesn't have like a scorecard or where you're demanding certain amount of loyalty and a clear statement that like you're there to support him and you guys are going to be there. And that if he ever needs to talk to you about how he is feeling about all this stuff, Like, you are there. But making it a fight of like it's you guys against his mom is probably not a good idea. And I also think it's very important for you and your husband to talk about this, to feel really strongly rooted in how you are choosing to parent, regardless of how this other person is

choosing to parent, and trust that these adults have been given enough love and guidance and consistency from you that they can see what's going on here. And even if they are struggling to separate and individuate from mom, that they are also learning from you, that it is okay for them to be their own person and to make their own decisions. Thank you so much for sending in that question. And now we're going to go ahead and get to question two. I've been on and off estranged from both parents for the last year and a half. I've gone to therapy and worked through a lot of my own stuff. I recently had some break. breakthroughs and found that I could emotionally detach from them in a way I haven't been able to in the

past. I had a conversation with my parents at Christmas and thought I could begin moving forward with low contact. But every time I get a call or text from them or they try to make plans to visit, my body physically reacts. I get migraine, stomach aches, et cetera. They have expressed wanting to be a part of their grandkids' lives and are confused how to do that when we are estranged. They are getting older and I don't know how much time I have left with them. I'm worried I will regret these decisions for distance in the future. I know my parents had high hopes that things would begin to change after our conversation, as did I, but I don't know how to explain that I just can't handle contact with them. I feel like I'm mentally ready to move from no contact to low contact, but I don't know how to move

forward when my body is saying no. It is frustrating to me and feels unfair to them. Okay, this is a really, really great question. There's two ways I want to look at this. I think for some of you, your body is giving you a very justifiable reaction. Okay. There is definitely something to be said about your body having a certain sense around certain people that you feel unsafe, you feel uncomfortable, you are reacting to old material from the relationship, and your body is doing something very good and important for you. And that can be a life-saving thing, right? That's data. Now, there are others of you that have more insight, let's call it intellectual insight, than you do have like body-based safety that you've developed. And when your intellectual insight and

your understanding sort of outpaces that safety, which happens a lot because often we are gaining that safety in therapy, journaling on our own. We're not doing it relationally. So then when we get back into the relationship and our bodies are together in the same room or we're talking, we feel a lot of that same distress. And if you fall into that camp, I want you to consider that sometimes you have to teach your body to feel safe again in these environments through exposure. This doesn't mean that you should expose yourself to abuse or mistreatment or harm. But when someone is doing something different, so this caller is saying it feels like my parents could be in low contact with me, then I would encourage you to try in low-dose

options to show your body that you are safe and that you are okay. So an example of that might be that you have a phone call with your parent that is five minutes long. and you feel your heart raise and your stomach get upset. And then you allow yourself to have the phone call. It ends. I am safe. I got through that. My heart rate is going down. I am starting to find calm in my body. And then I see that I was able to get through that moment. That then builds up some resilience, some scar tissue, some belief for the future that I can get through this. And And I am okay. I am safe in that situation.

And here's the thing is that let's say you have experienced some relational trauma, maybe with an ex-partner of yours. And then you start to feel that same reaction in your body whenever you are with anyone that you're on a date with, that you're going out with, and they didn't do anything to you. That person is not responsible, but you are reacting to old material. And so sometimes we have to expose ourselves to these situations. I have to go on more dates. I have to be around people that could be potential partners and see that I am safe. I am okay. I can get through this. This person isn't going to hurt me. We have to rewrite those scripts and that takes time. So yes, sometimes your body is reacting because this situation is not safe. It's not reliable. You shouldn't be in it. This person has not changed. And sometimes you just need to rewrite those old narratives and pathways in your body that are bringing up those feelings. And I'm going to, I'm going to trust you to use your discernment

to decide when you need to do each of those. But for this person that wrote this question in, it sounds like you might need to start with some low grade exposure and see if it starts to get better. in a way that is manageable for you. I also want to point out that, you know, emotional detachment isn't always the same as, like, readiness for contact or sometimes it can trick you into thinking that you are because being detached sometimes just means, like, I feel better because I'm not exposing myself to how you are. and when I get back around that, I feel bad because your behavior towards me is bad.

And I said this in group the other day, like the goal of all this work isn't to be so healed and so zen that you can be around like your abusive family members. But when the person has made some changes, they are no longer, you know, abusing you or constantly insulting you and criticizing you and you've become a little bit more detached. sometimes then you can reengage with them and be able to sit with them. But you have to figure out like where this emotional detachment is on the scale and what purpose it is serving you. Are you trying to say like I'm so detached from you that you can't hurt me so now I can sit in a room with you while you just like berate me and call me

stupid? That's that's not correct for that level of emotional detachment. Or are you becoming detached from someone's, you know, opinions about how you dress or where you went to school. And so when they bring those things up, you're like, I don't even care about what that person says about me because I don't value their opinion. That can be a healthy level of emotional detachment in families. There's also a pattern going on here for this caller that when you engage in this sort of on and off pattern of like, okay, I am having no contact, then I'm dipping my toe back in. Each time that you reopen this, there is going to be some anxiety.

It's going to be awkward and uncomfortable and you are going to feel that in your body. And that is normal. And so sometimes that feeling is just like, oh, we're moving too fast. We're doing too much contact. We jumped off the deep end and we just need to pull it back a little bit. it's not necessarily a sign that like all contact is bad. So I want you to think about this always in terms of like it being an experiment. You're not married to any of this.

It doesn't have to be a lifelong commitment. How can I sort of titrate this and figure out what is the best thing for me? And so you need to think about like what is the best way for us to communicate, how much, the frequency. Right now it might just be, I think the lowest lift for some people is like, the occasional text message or seeing each other at a group event, not one-on-one, not answering them on demand, not making plans to like go on a week-long vacation with each other after you haven't spoken. You really can start with like the littlest step forward, especially if you

have been truly estranged or not in contact with one another. I also hear in this question that there's quite a bit of, you know, distress around the parents' age and around the grandparents. And so that can make this feel very stressful in your body as well, that like, I need to fix this. They're going to die. My kids, you know, should be able to have a relationship with them. They're upset with me. And like, you can put that down a little bit and be like, it's okay for me to take my time. It's okay for me to not do this on like an exact schedule. There is not a bear chasing me. It's okay if people have to wait a little bit.

It's better that I take my time and move slowly rather than trying to do this too quickly and it failing. I also want you to allow like low, you know, minimal or intermittent contact to kind of be the destination here. That can be the reconciliation. I think for some people, they feel like it's either estrangement, full on we're not speaking. or it's like kumbaya, we love each other, we're always seeing each other every weekend. We're having Sunday dinner, et cetera.

Not everybody can do that. And not everybody should. I have said many times that for some people, more distance is what allows you to preserve the relationship. If you have very, very different values, political beliefs, lifestyles, you know, attitudes, personalities, all this stuff, you're just constantly clashing. more distance can allow you to maintain some of the positive attributes of that relationship, which in your case might be having your children have contact, being able to know your parents

up until their death if that's important to you, that if you had way more contact and you were constantly talking, there's a lot more opportunities for conflict, pain, hurt, all of that. And you don't want that. You guys want to be able to have. have sort of this more distant relationship that allows you to have contact versus having full-blown estrangement. And so you're allowed to say, like, we're both people, okay? And if I met this person on the street, even if they're my parent, and I wanted to maintain a relationship with them, I probably wouldn't talk to them three times a day because that would just be too hard. And some personalities are not super compatible. It is okay. I think we put

this pressure on people that like it has to be all or nothing and it doesn't. And that's where I would like to help you all kind of see some shades of gray in between those two options if that is something that you're looking for. And I think that that's something that this caller could definitely look into if that's important to you, especially at this stage of life. All right, those are our two questions today. Thank you to both of you who wrote in. You can always send me a question written out or in a voice note to Whitney at callinghome.com. Thank you so much for trusting me with those questions. I answer them every single Thursday.

And if any of this sounded like something that you are dealing with, we would love to see you inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. You can use the code New Fam, any W-F-A-M at checkout to get 10% off your first month. We now offer monthly plans at 2499 a month or 2999 a month. And we have a bunch of new groups. law groups with me. There's an adult sibling relationship group. We're talking about how to become your own person while still being a part of your family for the entire month of September at Calling Home. And I'm really excited about all this new stuff. Really excited about all the new members that

joined when we rolled out those monthly memberships. That was very exciting to see a lot of new faces. And so I hope to see you there. Callinghome.com. C.O. Black slash join. It is in the show notes. And please do not forget to like, subscribe, leave us a review of the Calling Home. podcast on Apple, Spotify, or YouTube. Thank you so much, and I will see you all again on Tuesday. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's

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