CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - My Family and I Don't Agree Politically, Should I Cut Them Off?

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

In the wake of this election, many Americans wonder: Can I continue to have a relationship with family members who disagree with me politically? In this episode, Whitney walks you through her own journey in a large family with different political beliefs and provides you with a series of questions to explore. This episode will help you decide what is the right decision for you in your unique situation. You can join Whitney for weekly groups and content at Calling Home. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. www.ca slash yamex. Hi, everyone, and welcome back to the Calling On Podcast.

I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. It's been about a week since you've heard from me. Many of you probably saw that I created this Election Day episode, and I really didn't like it. So I decided, after spending the last couple of days on the internet, seeing what is happening to American families, I think, you know, as a result of the same. election as a result of political discourse that has intensified over the last decade, that I think we at calling home need to provide some resources for people that are navigating differences in

the wake of this election and just in the wake of the way politics have changed in this country over the last 10 years, because I think there has been a market shift. I'm going to start this episode off by saying that you've heard me say this many times. I believe that every adult has a right to maintain and end relationships with whoever they would like to have relationships with and whoever they would not like to have relationships with. I will never say that you have to have a relationship with anyone, especially if they are treating you poorly. And I think that this applies to anything from politics to any other type of disagreement that you're having. It's up to you to decide what relationships you'd like.

to maintain in your life and what relationships you would like to end. And so I am here really just to give you the tools and resources to make that decision and to have these conversations with yourself and your loved ones. Because as a content creator in this space, I am seeing so many videos and posts in the wake of this election of people saying, I am cutting off everyone in my life. And these are conversations, you know, that we're having in our groups at calling home. And our groups are proving to be a lot less decisive. But I think when people are angry, and I understand why a lot of people are angry, they make decisions that they maybe not, have not fully thought out. And I think a lot of the people that are saying, I am just going to

end all of these relationships right now. Those relationships weren't good. Let's be honest. I think a lot of these people are saying this was the last straw for me. They're not ending perfectly good relationships where there is respect and tolerance and all of that over this. At least that's not what I'm seeing outside of, you know, viral content on the internet. Now, that being said, I rarely talk about myself and my own family when I am on this podcast or producing content online. And I've been pretty vocal about the fact that I'm very private about my own family. It's something that is important to me. And I'm not a therapist that uses their own life experiences for their content or in their work.

And I've spoken with a lot of other therapists that do this and in their own experiences and what they've gone through is a large part of why they became a therapist. therapist and it's a large part of their work. And that isn't how I have been as a therapist over the last decade. And that's just what works best for me in my life. That doesn't mean that I haven't experienced some of the things that I talk about because I'm a human being and all of us have experienced, you know, some of these things to some degree. It just means that I work this way. It's how I've chosen to work with clients. And I think a lot of therapists that use a lot of self-disclosure. They have great, you know, relationships with their clients for that reason. And it's just like different strokes for different folks. So that being said, I am going to share a

little bit about myself in this episode because I think when we're talking about different political differences, have a lot of personal experience with this, my own family. And I think it's something that I can contribute to personally and professionally. I come from a very large family with a lot of different types of people in it. I did not grow up in a monolithic type of family where everyone believes the same thing and there's very little difference in political discourse and you feel like everyone's on the same page as you. That's not my family. That's not my extended family. I would say that I have family members who range from the most liberal beliefs you can think of all the way to the most conservative beliefs that you can think of. I have people. I have people

in my family from different cultural backgrounds, different ethnic backgrounds, different racial backgrounds, different religious backgrounds. I have people in my family that are part of the LGBTQ community. I have people of my family that are in interfaith marriages, interracial marriages that have children of different races. I have people in my family who I disagree with strongly on their political beliefs. I have people who I'm aligned with on some things. I have some that I'm aligned with on everything, and it's an interesting dance, right? It's difficult. I don't think that this was something that I thought about as much within my family until the last decade. And I know that I am also very privileged in the sense that I'm able to have these

conversations with people because of my skill set and my ability to have support, and I feel grounded in maintaining some of these more challenging relationships because I have other relationships and because I have the ability to still be myself within these relationships. But I want you to know that when I'm speaking about this, I'm not speaking about it from a purely philosophical, you know, therapist textbook point of view. I know what it's like to sit down at the Thanksgiving table with people who I vehemently disagree with, who I vehemently disagree with, who I know their views, they're very public about their views, and I don't like their views. And I could say for those people that they probably, you know, they're sitting down at the table

with me, and they know that I don't agree with them. And maybe they don't want to deal with that either. And so I know the feeling of feeling like, oh my gosh, am I crazy, you know, that this is what I believe and this is what they believe. And I know what it's like to have limited relationships with people because you cannot talk about politics with them because it becomes so increasingly tense and overwhelming and they don't have the skill set to have these conversations. I also know what it's like to have people in my family who can't have these conversations and need to cut people off because they feel, and I agree with them, that their very personhood is being denied and threatened

by the way that other people are voting and the beliefs that they are, you know, sharing publicly and within the family. So I understand this and I understand how difficult it is. And I understand the choices that I've made. And I still know that other people will make different choices. I also know that I have the skill set to do this. And so I've been, you know, it's been a decade since I sat down with my first client in a therapy office at the University of Miami. And over the last decade, I have worked with people that have done some really unthinkable things. I have sat down with people who have abused their children, who have been trafficking drugs, who have been abusers, who have committed acts of domestic violence. I have worked with people for years who have

said things to me that I feel are a direct threat to people that I love. And I've been able to do that and hold that space for them and try to understand them because they're not my family, right? And that's why, you know, when people say to me, like, oh, aren't you a therapist? Like, why can't you understand that your family members feel this way? It's because it's different when it's your family members. And I'm not going to ask any of you to make concessions for people who are abusive towards you under the guise of politics, right, under the guise of different beliefs. If there is a person in your life who any time you're around them is insulting you, belittling you, telling you that you don't deserve to exist, that they think what you're doing is a sin or it's wrong

or it's, you know, should be criminalized or they are speaking down to you, they are being demeaning to you. I don't think that that's something that anyone should ever have to tolerate. And there are people that can have respectful conversations about political beliefs without being demeaning, cruel, aggressive, and we can move the needle on our understanding of one another. And there are people who cannot do that. They are so deeply entrenched in their beliefs and they are emotionally immature and they do not have the skills to discuss this, that they absolutely cannot have conversations about this. And so we're not always talking about different beliefs here. We're also talking about how people communicate those beliefs. Do they have the ability to hold space for different perspectives? Can they be understanding? Can they see? I can understand how debating this is a debate for me and it's not a debate for you. That for you, this is a threat.

And for you, this is something that challenges your marriage, your children, your ability to do the things that you're doing in your life. And those are different conversations, right? We are not talking about economic policy when we're having some of these conversations. We're talking about a person's right to exist. And that's where I think we need to kind of understand here is that I see a lot of people saying, oh my gosh, can't we get along? Can't we just have different beliefs and all be in the same room?

We can, sure, but we cannot false people for not wanting to be in rooms with people who do not like them, who do not believe in their right to exist, who do not want them to have the same rights as them, who want to demean them and ridicule them. No one wants to do that. No one wants to be in spaces that are like that because it's not enjoyable. It's upsetting and it's just not fun. And I don't blame anyone for not wanting to have relationships with people where they are constantly being criticized or yelled at or told that they're wrong, even if it's about something political. You honestly just get tired of it after a while. And so I think that's where we need to kind of have an understanding about like, what do these relationships actually look

like? Is this about politics or is this about something else? Is this about you wanting me to think like you and to be like you and to not not be who I am? Or is this just about a difference in opinion? Because those are two very, very different things. And everyone has a threshold of what they are able to tolerate when it comes to those things, right? Everyone has a different level of what they are willing to endure to maintain certain relationships. And we cannot fault people for not wanting to endure the same amount of discomfort that we are willing to. And so that's where I can come from this as a person and a therapist and say, there are some relationships in my life that I have had to change and limit because of the level of disagreement

that I don't enjoy speaking to them. I don't enjoy being around them. And I find everything to be very tense with this person. So I've decided to take this approach to the relationship. And there are people that will say, I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have to even see them once a year because of how upsetting this is to me. And so I don't want to be in a relationship with them. And that's their prerogative. But we can also have a discussion about the consequences of taking that approach with every single person. Right. And this is not meant to convince anyone. But it's just something to think about. I was watching a video this morning from a creator who was talking about how he still maintains a relationship with his, he referred to them as his black MAGA parents.

And he has said that he no longer wants his relationship with his parents to be dictated by politics or political affiliation. And that what he is found for himself is that this makes him feel better to be able to receive. some love from his parents. And I thought this, you know, was an interesting take. This is someone who could say otherwise and they've made the decision that this is what I want to do for my life because this is what feels best for me. And I don't feel comfortable cutting off ties to a generation of my family over this. And you might disagree with that. But I think we need to be more receptive of people's choices. And so when we talk about the consequences, of cutting people out. And we can talk about the consequences of keeping people in our lives. There's

consequences to both. I know people in my life that historically I did not agree with, right? Family members who I felt like, wow, I really just do not see what you see here. And over the last five years, or even just in this election, I've seen a big shift in some people in my family. And I wonder if our conversations, if our ability to have discussions about these things, if that played any role and if it helped, that I stuck it out. I have people in my life that I know who were very, very strong believers in certain things and they have changed their minds completely. And I wonder what it would have been like if I cut them out. And these are not people that posed any threat to me. Right. So again, let's make that distinction. These are not people who were attacking me, ridiculing me, abusing me. These are people that I just really disagreed with and I didn't like what they had to say about certain topics. And I found that their beliefs, their beliefs on certain topics were threatening to certain people. And I didn't like the way that those beliefs would impact people that I loved. But they've come a long way on some of those beliefs. And so I wonder what it would have been like.

to not stick through that. And I wonder what it would have been like for people to not stick through that with me. Because I know there was a time in my life where I was just only exposed to one school of thought just because of where I grew up and what I grew up with. And it was the only thing I heard. And I understand how some people can feel like they've never been exposed to other beliefs. And I wonder what it would have been like to not to not kind of stick by them with boundaries as they navigated that because my beliefs have changed over time on certain things. You know, the more that I've gotten to know how certain things work and how certain things feel. And even just my career as a therapist, you know, a lot of my beliefs have been shifted

by way of listening to my clients. And obviously, you know, I don't think a lot of people get into wanting to be a therapist unless they are deeply empathetic and want to understand how other people feel. So I think I was starting from a specific baseline. But I think that there's something to be said about being able to have conversations and listen to people and try to find common ground if you are able. And so I am a person that is not so marginalized to a degree that these conversations feel different to me. I'm somebody that can stomach it. I can take it to a certain extent, right?

And I think all of us that are in that position, I think that's maybe something we also have to try to do as a duty to people that cannot do that. And maybe that's one way of thinking about it. It's like, is this a way for me to help the people in my life who are marginalized, who are most at risk? who are deeply personally affected by some of these conversations, and can I help by meeting in the middle, by having discussions, by tolerating, you know, to the degree at which I can tolerate and I can tell

you guys, I have a lot of boundaries and I have points with which I cannot continue having certain conversations. I get angry and I need to discharge some of this emotion. I've worked with clients that made me really, really angry. I've worked with clients that have said things, you know, about women to me as a woman that I found to be deeply controversial. But I am there to provide them with a service up to the point where I can no longer provide it, right? And so I would never say that a, you know, a person of color needs to sit with a deeply racist client and just sit there and get berated by them. I don't think that that's ever the answer. But maybe for some of us that are in a position that we can't have these conversations, it's good to have them. I don't know.

I just, the more I think about this, the more I think, like, can we develop more of an ability to do that for the people in our lives that can't? And some of us, some of us can't, you know, have those conversations, and I don't fault people. For that, I understand why they can't have them. And there are certain conversations that I can't have because they're so deeply triggering for me as a person and my identity. So I fully understand that. Bank more oncores when you switch to a Scotia Bank banking package. Learn more at scotia bank.com slash banking packages. Conditions apply. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. This fall get double

points on every qualified stay. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. So I mentioned that family is often where our political beliefs take root. And whether your family's political culture mirrors your own or has shaped you into someone with entirely different views, most of us have a story about why we vote the way we do. And that story is frequently tied to our family. Yet it's rare to find a family where everyone votes the same way or holds identical beliefs. And in the coming weeks, you may find yourself wondering, can I maintain a relationship with family members who don't share my political views? And I've said this multiple times throughout this episode, but the answer, as with many things, is it depends. And no one can make this decision for you. There's ultimately no right decision, but I hope that this helps you navigate the best decision for you. And so I'm going to walk you through some questions to help you make this decision. How significant are your political differences? Are the disagreements

about fundamental values or specific policies? Are these issues central to your identity or values. Can I separate the person from their political beliefs? Or does this fundamentally change how I see them? How do these political views affect me personally? Are there beliefs or behaviors harmful to me, my loved ones, or causes I deeply care about? How do our political conversations make me feel? Do I feel anger, anxiety, or stress after political discussions? Or can we engage in civil discourse. Do these conversations damage by emotional well-being? Do they express their views in ways that feel disrespectful or demeaning? Can we set boundaries around political discussions? Are they willing to respect boundaries when it comes to politics? Can we agree to avoid certain

topics or is political disagreement something that always leads to conflict? Is there mutual respect despite our differences. Does this family member respect me and my views, even if we don't agree, or do they belittle or dismiss my beliefs? Is our main goal to change one another, or are there other reasons that we remain close? What is the overall quality of our relationship? Outside of politics, is this a relationship that brings value, love, and support to my life? Do we have shared interests memories or experiences that outweigh our political differences. Am I able to compromise for the sake of family harmony? Can I live with the discomfort of disagreeing if it means preserving a relationship? How important is this relationship compared to the impact of our differences? How will I feel if I

distance myself? If I decide to reduce contact or end the relationship, how will I feel about that decision? Would it bring relief or regret? Are there opportunities for understanding or growth? Is there room for dialogue that might help us better understand each other's perspectives, or are we entrenched in views that will never align? And you'll see that with these questions, each of you is going to answer these questions differently, probably dependent, honestly, on family member by family member. And I think that one of the biggest determinants here is the quality of the relationship outside of these beliefs. And I think that a lot of people that are struggling to maintain these relationships that are saying, I am done,

these relationships were already not good or they were not close. They do not have a large foundation of which to build on. They are relationships that are likely filled with dismissiveness, disagreement, an inability to see one another's perspectives. If you have an emotionally immature parent or family member, that relationship is already difficult. You are already having to silence parts of yourself, having to cater to them, having to to manage their anxiety, these are all qualities of those relationships, politics or beliefs aside. So when you then throw all of this highly contentious stuff into these relationships between people who already cannot have conversations, it's just going to get worse. I would bet that in relationships

where people are able to have conversations, they're able to navigate differences outside of politics. They're able to talk about how they feel. They're able to understand one another. They can talk about differences in opinion that it's easier for these people to manage their differences because they feel seen and understood by the other person. And so we're likely not talking about

in the majority of these cases, relationships that were already functioning very well. And I got some voicemails, you know, from people that were willing to share their story with me about these decisions. And there was one voicemail that I received, you know, that was from someone that was like, my parents don't accept that I'm gay. They do not accept me. They tell me that it's wrong. They tell me it's a sin. They try to change me. They believe that I can just get better. This is not a political difference, okay? This is a difference of you believing that who your child is not okay and is not right. And if we substituted anything in there, right, like for their sexuality, your adult child would have a difficult time having a really

relationship with you. If you said, I don't accept that you want to have this career. I think it's wrong. I think it's stupid. I don't like that about you. I want you to change your career. And career isn't even synonymous because that is something you can change about yourself. The point I'm trying to make here is that when you belittle someone, when you attack them, when you disparage their views, when you make them feel othered and excluded and like they are stupid and wrong, you're probably not going to get very far and they're probably not going to want to be around you. When you do that especially about something that is a part of someone that they cannot change, then you absolutely are going to get nowhere with them.

And so we have to understand that a lot of the reason why people don't want to come around their families is not necessarily just about politics, but the way those political beliefs are being handled and communicated. I think some of these beliefs, absolutely, it's just about the belief, right? But sometimes it's also about the inability to sit and listen and understand and say, you know what? I can see how that would impact you. I can see how that would scare you. See how that talking point would make you feel like this candidate does not care about you. and does not want you to be able to pursue your life in the way that is meaningful for you and according to your own beliefs.

And so that's where things get really tricky here. And I think we see that outside of politics with families, right, where they want everyone to think the same and to believe the same. And very few families are like this, you guys. I know a couple of families where it's like all the siblings and the parents, they have the same beliefs and they're all aligned. But I find them to really be the minority. And those people are lucky. They're lucky that they're all aligned and that they've had such similar paths to where they are in life. They have similar backgrounds. They have similar understandings. And they're lucky that

they're able to all unite on that. And I think some people want to feel that. And so they go and they find chosen family where they are accepted and where they are understood. And I cannot fault anyone for doing that. I get why you would do it. And I think that for some people it's advantageous because there are some people in families where they are never going to be accepted. They are always going to be ridiculed and criticized and cast aside. And they probably should go elsewhere to find love and support and affection and they should not keep trying with these family members because they're never going to get that from them. And so I want to wrap this up just by saying that there is no right answer to this. And for some of you, this might have been the straw that

broke the camel's back. You just can't find a way to get along with this person or these people in your family. For some of you, you might have realized like, wow, I'm really different and I need to take a step back and I need to set boundaries and I need to find other words. And I need to find other ways to have a relationship with this person that does not include our political beliefs. And I'm going to try that out and see if that's possible. Some of you will succeed and some of you will fail at that. And then there are those of you that kind of fall more into the group that I talked about at the beginning that they're like, you know what, I'm going to maintain a relationship with these people and I'm going to see it through. And I'm going to have these hard

conversations with them because it's what I want to do. And I think that I have the ability to listen and to be there and to have these hard conversations. And some of you have been doing that. You've been doing that work for years and you're tired and you don't want to do it anymore. And I get it. And there is no point on that spectrum of those three points that I just described that I think is wrong, that they all have consequences, right? And they all have benefits. and you have to figure out does me stopping contact with my family have more pros than it does cons? And for some of you, yeah, that's the truth. It does. And I see those people in our groups at calling home every day where we say, you know what, I get why you're doing this. And it makes

sense and I'd do it too. And there are those of you that are going to say, you know what, the cons of me cutting this person out are just too much. It would disrupt so much of my life. and I feel like it's not something I'm ready to do yet. And the other point that I do want to echo before I wrap up here is that I was reminded of this today during one of our adult children, emotionally immature parents groups, that cutting your entire family off is a privilege. And it is a privilege that a lot of people don't have. And I think that some of you that are making these videos of like, you're not an ally if you

keep interacting with your family members that do X, Y, and Z, are actually sending a message that you don't want to send. Because there are people who are disabled. There are people who don't have financial resources. There are people who are trapped in situations with family members that they cannot escape from right now because of job loss, abuse, whatever it is. And making it this moral stance that, like, you have to do this or there's something wrong with you, I think it's deeply flawed.

And I think that you might be alienating some of the very people that you're trying to help. And, you know, I heard from one of those people today of, like, I've had to make this choice to live with a family member. And I wouldn't make that choice. I would not want to be living here. And it made me think about this political discourse and how harmful it can be to people who don't have a choice, to people who have, you know, children that they're trying to protect in certain. situations. Again, people who don't have financial resources, they don't have community resources, they don't, they have no way in this moment to escape these relationships. And we need to keep that in mind, I think, when we're having these conversations, because you might be pointing this

message at people who are really disenfranchised and people who don't have options and who are maintaining these relationships at great cost to themselves because they don't have any other option right now. And they might make a different choice if they had more options. And I just think that that's something really, really important to remember. And it's something that I want to remember, you know, when I'm working with clients who have had to make those decisions. I hope that this episode was helpful for a lot of you. I know that for some of you, it might not be helpful. And you might be looking for me to take a more staunch stance on some of this. But I, this is really what I feel is right as a therapist, as a human being, to give all of you options and allow you to make the choices

that is best for your life. And so I hope hearing about me, about people in our groups at calling home and about different questions, you know, that you can ask yourself in the different approaches that you can take to this is helpful. And I hope that it gives you some food for thought also about why people might be making different decisions than you do. I hope you all have a great rest of your week. And I'll see you again soon for another episode. for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist patient or other treatment relationship between you

and Colin Holm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes Terms of Service linked in the show notes below.