CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - My Mom Chose Her Marriage with My Cheating Dad Over Me

Episode Date: July 9, 2026

In this Q&A episode, Whitney answers two questions from people trying to figure out where acceptance ends and cutting off begins. First, a woman who thought her mom was finally going to leave her father after a major blowup involving favoritism, triangulation, and infidelity, only to watch her mom stay and start calling her the difficult one instead. Second, a new mother whose parents made her postpartum period worse instead of better, and who's now wondering whether sending a birthday card is worth it after a year and a half of near silence.Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club: https://callinghome.coFollow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmftOrder Whitney's book, Toxic Positivity: https://sitwithwhit.com/toxic-positivitySign up for updates on Whitney's new book: https://cmnyyv4kpyt.typeform.com/to/PHMzjy0oThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today we are doing a Q&A episode. I answer two of your questions every single Thursday. The first question today is from someone who grew up in a blended family where her dad and grandmother made it clear over and over that her half-sister was the favorite, better than her and better than her brother. There was a big blow-up last year and she thought her mom was finally going to leave. Instead, her mom stayed and now it's seems like the kids are kind of being framed as the difficult one. The second question is from someone whose parents came to stay for three months after their son was born to help, but they didn't actually help.

And now with her mom's birthday coming up and the thought of sending a card makes her a little nauseous, the question is, is it finally time to cut off whatever this is? By the end of this episode, you'll be able to name what acceptance actually requires when family admits that nothing is going to change. And you'll have a way to decide whether a relationship that's shrunk down to almost nothing is worth keeping in your life. One quick thing before we get started, if you're working through something like this and you want more than just an answer on a podcast, that is what the Family Cycle Rakers Club at Calling Home is for. This is our membership community where we have groups led by licensed therapists, including me. This is the only way that

you can work with me now, including a group specifically for a strange, adult children, plus worksheets, scripts, and clinicians who actually get this. This month at Calling Home, we are focusing on daughtering and the invisible labor that daughters are often given, especially in dysfunctional families. You can find all of that at Callinghome.co, and we'll link that in the show notes as well. If you ever want your question answered on the Thursday, you can send it to me in a voice note or written to Whitney at Callinghome.co. All right, let's go ahead and I'm going to read you that first question. I have been estranged from my parents for about a year and a half now, and I am really struggling. For some context, my brother and I have the same parents and my dad has

another daughter from a previous marriage. There has always been triangulation and favoritism towards her since we were little, and it's only gotten worse as we've all become adults. My dad and his mom have always treated my half-sister differently, and it has repeatedly been made clear that they feel she is better than my brother and I. My dad, half-sister, and grandma have narcissistic qualities and believe that they are better than others. They lie, manipulate, and put blame on other people to avoid accountability at all costs. Money and image are extremely important to them. My mom has been dealing with this dysfunctional family dynamic for 35 years and is accustomed to sweeping things under the rug in order to keep the peace. These are lifelong patterns that show my dad values his relationship with

my sister over anyone, including my mom. This has obviously caused tension in their marriage and the whole family. There was a big blow-up last year that involved mostly the same repetitive issue with my sister and grandma, but also several other issues such as infidelity within my parents' marriage unrelated to the family dynamic. I thought my mom was finally going to leave him, but she has chosen to stay with my dad and completely flip sides. Claiming my brother and I, along with our spouse, are the ones being difficult. She claims she doesn't speak to my sister or grandma, but she's still married to my dad. They recently sold their family business, and I think it's important to include that their financial success has a lot to do with the family dynamic and why it will never change.

My mom even admits that it won't change. It hurts to not have a relationship with my dad, grandma, and sister anymore, but it breaks my heart that I can no longer be emotionally vulnerable and close with my mom. She was my best friend, and it's so sad that this is how things have played out, and I can't trust her. I struggle to find joy and happiness in my day-to-day life because I am constantly wishing things were different. I want to accept this reality, but it is heart-wrenching sometimes, especially with my parents getting older. It makes me feel like I'm running out of time to fix things, although I understand that's out of my control. How can I enjoy life and focus on my own marriage without constantly being weighed down by all of this?

I don't want the stress of this situation to rule my life forever like it has been for the last year and a half. Thank you so much for the work you do. I think a lot of mothers are surprised, and there's a quote that I'm paraphrasing here, that their adult children do not wish to tolerate the same things from their father. that they are willing to tolerate in a marriage. And it seems like you and your mother are really at a crossroads here about what you want the family to look like. And your mother has decided that she is okay with infidelity and favoritism and triangulation and these tricky family dynamics for her own reasons. They might be financial. It might be that she,

does not want to admit the state of her marriage. It might be that she knows that if she defends you guys against this other sibling that she knows she's going to lose. But for whatever reason, she is feeling like this is what I have and I'm going to accept it and I'm okay with having this type of family dynamic even if my children don't feel comfortable in it. Now, what I'm hearing from this caller and what you all might have experienced as well if you have a similar dynamic to this is that you were used to your father being the parent maybe that had let you down and who was the one that in your words, you know, lies, manipulates, puts blame, sort of triangulates, plays favorites with his children, gets his mother involved, he's been

unfaithful in his marriage. You expect these things from him and you've likely accepted to some degree that this is how he is. The secondary betrayal that's happening from this is what happens when you're one safer parent and the parent that you are closer to, your mother, ultimately commits an act of betrayal against you where you feel like she is choosing her marriage over you as her child. And in a lot of ways, that's kind of what's happening here. And I guess your mother could also argue that you are choosing to distance yourself from her. The difference I think here is that I always see parents as being more in a leadership and modeling role. And I think there is a world here where your mother could validate your feelings about what's going on in the family

while also saying that she wants to remain in this marriage. You cannot make your mom not be in this family. And you can be very hurt by the way this has all played out. I imagine that it is very hurtful to feel like I had my mom on my side. She could see the issues with my dad. She got it. But now she is siding with him. And after this big blow up that you're describing, she is saying that you are the one that is being difficult. And she's even recognizing this to some degree, because she's not speaking maybe to your sister, I assume this is the half-sister or your grandma, but she's staying married to your dad.

Now, I think the fact that you are weighed down by this might be because maybe you're curious that if this could ever change at some point. I know your mom is saying that she admits that it will not change. And maybe that's true. But I find that sometimes in these situations that your mom is not ready to face the actual status of the family. She might have a fantasy in her mind or she feels that things are going to be even worse if she leaves your dad so that she might as well stay. For whatever her reasons are, she might also be able to label you or you and your brother as being the problem, the difficult ones, as a way to insulate her for me. really looking at, hey, this is what our family has become and this doesn't feel good for any of us.

And that is a big betrayal. I would urge anyone dealing with a situation like this to sort of live in the present and not project too far out. So you can protect yourself at this moment in time and say, hey, being around these people is so volatile. It's really hurtful. It's really distrful. It's really distrull. stressing to me. And so I don't think I can do that right now. And I don't know how my mom is going to feel like this in six months, in a year, in two years. She might wake up to what the dynamic actually is. And if she did, would I be open to an apology from her? If she left my dad and realized what was going on here, could our relationship improve or get better? And I'm not

suggesting that you sort of live in this fantasy world as a way to postpone your grief and assume that this is going to happen. But thinking through like, could it happen? And do I right now just maybe need to take some space and find my own, like, I hate to use the phrase, find my own piece because I feel like that phrase has just been destroyed by social media. But you get what I'm saying of like, can I find a way to just accept the way that things are right now and see that my mom clearly does not see this situation in a way that makes a lot of sense. Because knowing the relationship that the two of you had and you felt like you were very close and she was your best friend, that there's something going on in her marriage

right now maybe that she doesn't want to face. And I wonder if you could use some of the skills that you've used to accept your dad and to say this is who he is right now. This is how he acts. I see these patterns in my grandmother and in him as a way to accept where your mom is right now. And if she doesn't ever come around and she continues to double down and say that you're the problem, you have every right to be hurt by that. I don't think that it feels good for a child of any age to see their mother stuck in what sounds like not a great marriage, being hurt, having infidelity, having a husband that you say is

choosing his, you know, this other child over the children that they share together and even maybe prioritizing that relationship in a, in a difficult way above your mom. I think on some degree she knows that if she recognizes this, and if she sees it for what it is, she might have to leave. She won't be able to stay after she sees what is being done to her children or what is being done to her in her relationship. And sometimes these dynamics are very complicated and we don't know everything. We don't know everything about the financial situation or what this parent is trying to avoid.

So I say all of that to say like that's what's going on with her and we can focus on what is going on with you, which the end of your question is, how can I enjoy life and focus on my own marriage without constantly being weighed down by all of this? And you're saying, I don't want the stress of this situation to rule my life forever like it has been for the last year and a half. And I wonder if it's really weighing you down and ruling your life because you are feeling like it's very black and white. This is either going to get fixed by me going back and saying it's fine and that I will put up with this, or my mom has to like completely change her mind and get a divorce tomorrow. When in reality, I see a lot of different ways that this could probably shake out.

And so my encouragement to anyone that's in this position right now would be how can I just turn the focus back on what I want my life to look like right now and see if these people can kind of work through their stuff? And that might even mean that, you know, you have some conversations with your mom if she is receptive to it. And it seems like you're saying, you guys, we're really close. So would she hear you out alone about how hard it is to watch her be treated this way or how hard it is to see your family operate like this and make it more about wanting the family to be close again and to get back to that relationship that the two of you had than it being about like how everyone is doing something bad.

I find that when you lead with positive intent, especially when someone is acting really differently than they normally do towards you, it can be helpful. And in all of that, also working on your own feelings and experience of feeling less than your sibling and feeling like you are demoted within the family. Because what's really interesting here is that like your dad's doing a lot of this too. But it seems like your focus is mainly on your mom. And so maybe you also see her as your only safe, good, close parent. And also like she was a victim of your dad, but now she's also kind of operating as his accomplice in all of this and his partner.

And how challenging that is for you as their child to experience. because now it can feel like you're losing your relationship with both parents and not just with one of them. Thank you so much for sending in that question. I think if anyone relates to this question, we have a lot of great topics inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club and groups. We have the estranged adult child group. We have the adult children of emotionally immature parents group. And this month we're talking about daughtering at calling home, which I think a lot of what we're talking about in this question applies to that topic. All right. I'm going to go ahead and read you that second question. My parents stayed with us for three months to help with my son once he was born,

and help is in quotes, which leads me to believe they may not have been actually helping. They never helped. Okay, there we go. Cooked or cleaned. And on top of that, they were braiding, controlling, and aggressive to the point where if I opened the blinds, they would close them. During that time, I was also dealing with postpartum depression. They finally went back to their home and were supposed to come back for his baptism. They wanted to come back sooner and when I requested that we stick to the original plan so that my husband, son, and I could have some bonding time, everything exploded. It devolved into a phone call with my mother screaming repeatedly at the top of her lungs that I was a horrible mother and that I was just like my sister-in-law while stomping

around her house and slamming every door as hard as she could. Meanwhile, my father called me a bitch three times and screamed that I would never be his equal. Oh, gosh. They have denied that this ever happened. Okay, that's strange. When I pressed my father, who always brags that he has an IQ of 135 and a photographic memory, has nothing to do with being a father, he replied, I don't have that anymore. I'm too old. Okay. Ironically, my mother had surgery for a torn retina that same week. They didn't come to the baptism. A lot has happened since then, and honestly, I'm at peace with how I've handled everything. It's been around a year and a half since my parents decided to stop FaceTiming with my son, because at the time, they said my almost two-year-old son didn't call them by their names. Oh, gosh. Well, no one would talk to my kids if that was the fool.

Now we're very low contact. My father sends a birthday gif, which gets a dry thank you for me and vice versa. up. My birthday just passed, which naturally has me thinking about the next birthday, my mother's. She has always been the more aggressive rager of the two. The last time I saw her in person two Christmases ago, she said goodbye to everyone except me and walked right past me and out the door. She hasn't made any effort to acknowledge me or even text me in a way that actually refers to me. She only texts directly at my son. Okay, so she's texting you're like, I guess he's probably like four years old to your phone. When I pointed out that she never makes any effort, my father said that whenever he says something, it comes from both of them. Okay. It makes me nauseous to even think about sending

her a birthday gift. I guess they send like these, I don't know, like those emoji things on the iPhone maybe saying happy birthday. I'm contemplating not sending one this time around. Your video couldn't have had better timing and it has really helped me feel less alone in all of this. Thank you so much for what you do. Is it time for me to officially cut off whatever this is? Okay. I need to start from the beginning with this one because this one is a little bit loaded. It sounds like at the time of this question being sent in, it has been a year and a half where nothing really has been resolved or changed. And when I hear that there was some type of event where your parents stayed with you for three months.

That's a really long time to stay with someone postpartum. When you have postpartum depression, like that's a lot. And I don't have a lot of context. I should say that's a lot if you don't have a solid foundation. Like if you don't have a really good sense of what they're going to do. And so I'm wondering if when the baby was born, this, I'm putting a lot of words in your mouth, but this kind of sounds like a situation where maybe a baby came and everyone wanted this to be like a idealic experience where the parents come and stay

for three months and it's going to be great and they're going to help with the baby. But maybe we weren't being totally honest about conversations that were had about what help was going to look like prior to that and how this was actually going to go given what you know about your parents. That or this is a huge departure from their behavior, especially if there's comments like you're just like your sister-in-law, it makes me think that this has happened before and that any pushback from the younger generation,

especially around child rearing, has maybe been met with some contempt or some boundary violations. I would be curious to know if there were any attempts to speak about the help and what was going on in the three months they were there. Because, oh my gosh, if my in-laws helped me all the time with my kids. And if they were in my house for three months and weren't doing anything, like, that I would consider to be help, you would need to bring that up, like, two or three weeks. in, which makes me think there is a pre-existing dynamic here of maybe not talking about things,

not being clear about the type of help that could be offered, the type of health that was expected. I don't think this is a one-time thing based off of what I'm seeing here. And when you say things like they're being braiding, controlling, and aggressive, closing the blinds, and then insulting you and calling you a bitch, like now we've crossed into territory where there absolutely needs to be repair. This is not about mismanage expectations, which can definitely happen postpartum. You know, you can have people that are like, why didn't want to step on your toes, or I didn't want to, you know, do something and do it the wrong way. And maybe you didn't convey with the expectations where that's normal. That happens in families. When it crosses over into

name-calling, aggression, contempt, yelling at each other, and then denying the event even happens. We've now moved into territory where, like, this needs to really be resolved. And the parents need to acknowledge, like, hey, we were upset. We should not have called new names. We should not have gotten aggressive. We shouldn't have been acting that way in your home, especially during this really precarious moment of you having a young child. Okay.

Now, this whole thing about, like, you'll never be equal with me. and saying you have a photographic memory and an IQ of 135, I don't understand how any of this is relevant to a conversation between family members about how something felt and what you experienced and the relationship. This is typically where there can be like a top down approach of like, I am the parent. I know best. This is what happened.

It's my version or nothing at all. And we're not going to have a conversation about this because that never happened. This is where I also say, like, this isn't about me siding with parents or with adult children. It's that I typically get copious amounts of detail from one party, often in these very, like, strained dynamics, not in all parent-child conversations whatsoever. When I see that there's one person giving a ton of detail quotes, when things happen, how they happen, multiple attempts, all this, and the other person is just saying either that never happened or it was not a fight and like they have no other information. The discrepancy is odd, the vast discrepancy. That's a very

big difference than one person saying, you were yelling at me and the other person is saying, I didn't think I was yelling. I was just upset. You know, we're having a conversation about like little debates in fact, not or in perception, not like I remember a hundred details and you're saying that this literally never happened. It's a big gap between. And it makes me wonder sometimes who is benefiting more from this never happening at all. And like you were there for three months. Certainly there was some tension felt and some other issues. along the way between these parents and their child and that child's spouse for this one incident to spin out like this. Okay. And the reason I say all of this is because I think we have to be so

careful with these very simple narratives of like they asked us not to come back sooner for the baptism and then they cut us off and we did nothing. Like there's a lot more going on here. And I think there was a lot more going on here before these parents showed up at the house to help postpartum. Okay. And then for the parents to not show up to the baptism is a huge bummer, right? That's really like if we don't get our way, we're just not going to come at all. And it sounds like what was saying, what was being said here is like, we just don't want you to come sooner. We just want to stick to the agreed of. upon plan. Okay? Like, you guys already agreed on a plan? That's fine. And then to not show up was clearly, you know, being used in a way to send some type of message. We are not going to show up because we were

not allowed to come early. And I think it makes it hard for the adult children in this situation to then say, okay, well, now we need to repair with you again after you yelled at us and didn't show up to the baptism. Okay. So now it's been another year and a half, I guess, and your parents have decided to stop FaceTiming with an almost two-year-old. Can't say their name. If this is what's going on, this is when I really think like grandparents and parents, we all need to understand like child development. This is not about you. It's not about the parents. Kids that age, like they don't say name's right. They call their parents by the wrong name sometimes. And to then say, I'm not going to face time a child anymore because of that behavior to me is a huge red flag. Okay. So I understand

why at this point, this adult is saying, I don't really want to keep trying. Because in reality, when I look at this sequence of events, did the adult here really initiate estrangement? It doesn't look like that to me. Like, let's walk through this. Parents come. They're being braiding, you know, critical, whatever. They're there for three months. Something happens between the two of them.

They then decide to tell the parents, we don't want you to come early. Why don't you just come? to the time when we agreed. Parents then use derogatory language screaming. They don't show up to the baptism. Parents are still facilitating face-times with the child. The parents decide to stop FaceTiming the grandchild. So when this happens, when it's the parent doing the pulling away, and I think we spend so much time talking about adults who cut off their parents and I actually see a ton of cases like this, especially in our groups at calling home, like more of this distant abandoning type of parent, then why do you really need to do anything? I don't know that in a situation

like this, you need to make some declarative statement. Like, it sounds like your parents are setting the terms for the relationship. They're the ones not really speaking to you. If you're deciding whether you want to send a text on a birthday, I think that's really up to you and how you want to feel on that day and what you want to send and the type of person you want to be, not really how they're going to react to it or what they're going to do because at this point, they're not showing up for events and they're not FaceTiming your child. They're not encroaching on you. You're talking more about your reaching out to them. And so that's a decision, you know, that that you have to make for yourself.

But I don't see this as being a situation maybe where you need to like build walls and set boundaries because your parent is already doing that when they are not making an effort, especially your mother. And so this is one of those situations where I would say like maybe what you're talking more about here is grief and acceptance, not do I cut off whatever this. is because you don't really need to cut anything off. And that is is even more painful and a totally different type of situation here when we're talking about a parent that stops trying versus one that is being overly domineering and encroaching. And so you could say, I'm still going to send a

birthday text because I don't really want to be like my mom, my mom who stops, you know, calling and stop showing up and stops trying. Like, maybe I still want to say happy birthday. And I can live with just sending a happy birthday text because I know the only thing that's going to come back from it is like, thank you. Maybe you say, you know what? She's not saying happy birthday. So I'm not going to say happy birthday either.

But again, when you look at this, I think it's so easy for us to be like, oh, the adults are cutting off their parents. But like, to me, this is a different speed, different type of situation entirely. I don't know that there's anything to cut off, to be honest. I hope that that's helpful for anyone that is in this type of situation. Thank you so much for listening to this episode or if you're watching the video on YouTube. If you can relate to the person who lost their mom without really losing her and she's still there, still married to your dad, still choosing like this version of a family that hurt you, I want you to know that that grief is normal. and it's okay to be in it and to wish that things were different and to particularly not want to be

sitting in this stage that you're in. You can still love her. You can still feel like things could get better in the future and you can enjoy your life right now. That is not a betrayal of the family that you wanted. It's you doing what you can with the life that you have. And if you're the person who is, you know, thinking about, do I contact this really distant mom on her birthday that actually has distanced herself? For me, I don't think you actually have like a cutoff decision in front of you. You know, you are allowed to stop performing closeness that doesn't exist or that they're not reciprocating and you don't always have to announce that. You're not estranging yourself if you don't send a happy birthday text this year. And I think this is one of those things where it's okay, again, both these questions are related

to see these moments in flux and not as like I have to make a decision if it's A or B today because often we're doing that because we think it's going to immediately make us feel better. And sometimes it does. but I don't know if these situations necessarily fall in to that camp. Okay. And inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club, we have so many resources on this for people who are estranged, navigating estranged men who have a distant parent. I have a podcast episode called The Distant Parent that I think anyone who relates to this

will definitely relate to that topic. And grieving people who are still alive. We have a lot on that. There's also a group just for estranged adult children and for adult children of emotionally immature parents, as well as daughters with difficult mothers. And you can find us at callinghome.co. I will be back on Tuesday with a very special guest, someone who is coming back to the show for a second time that I know pretty much everyone who listens to this show loves.

So I am very excited for you to hear that on Tuesday. You can always send your questions to me for Thursday episodes at Whitney at callinghome.com. And please do not forget to like, subscribe, leave us a review or comment on this episode. Thank you so much for being here and I'll see you next week. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Collincom or Whitney Goodman.

For more information on this, please see, calling Holmes terms of service linked in the show notes below.