CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Ask Me Anything About Emotional Immaturity

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

In this episode of the Calling Home podcast, Whitney answers your questions about emotional immaturity, providing insights into the dynamics of family relationships, the importance of genuine apologies, and the challenges of caring for emotionally immature parents. Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club: www.callinghome.co/join Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hello and welcome back to the calling home podcast. Today is Thursday. So it is a Q&A episode. I'm going to do things a little bit differently today instead of doing caller voicemails. I am going to answer some rapid fire questions that

you all submitted on my Instagram stories. If you follow me on Instagram at Sit with Witt, I did a Q&A about emotional immaturity and I recorded a live Q&A for the Calling Home Family cycle breakers club that you can access on our website. I'll link that in the show notes, but I wasn't able to get through all of those questions. And so I wanted to answer some more of them here with you. But before we dive into that, I just wanted to remind you that next week, the last week of January, is going to be our final week of talking about emotional immaturity and emotional maturity, becoming more emotionally mature. And we have tons of great resources that have been added to the website to help you with this. So if you've been listening to the podcast,

all month and you're like, okay, I get what's happening on the podcast, but I feel like I really want to take this to the next step. Please go check out the content at callinghome.com. I'll also link it in the show notes because we have tons of worksheets, articles, videos, scripts, guides, tons of things to help you take this content to the next level. And you can also join us for groups every week. We have groups for adult children of emotionally immature parents, estranged did old children, is strange family members. We have a group that dives deeper into the content that we're working on every week. And it's just such an awesome place to go. I just left one of those groups, actually. And we had 35 people there, tons of people sharing. If you just want to

come and hang out and listen until you get comfortable, that's totally an option. I bring discussion questions to every group. People are always interacting in the chat. And it really is just such a nice place to come and meet other people that are going through what you're going through. Everyone leaves the group saying, like, wow, I feel a lot less alone. I feel like people understand me. I feel like this group is a lifeline for me during a week when I'm having issues with my family members. And so we'd love to see you there inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club.

All right, let's go ahead and dive into some of these questions that I got about emotional immaturity. One person asked, every time when I express myself, they called me a kid and I don't know anything. I don't feel understood. So this is a little more of a statement than a question. But let's talk about this. I think that this can be a great defense mechanism, especially for older family members, right? When someone in the family is expressing something that they are upset about, something that they want to change, they're telling you that you did something wrong, you can assume a position of superiority as the parent or the elder in the family and say, you're a kid, you don't know anything. And when we do that, we're ultimately saying, I don't need to listen

to what you're saying because it really doesn't have any value, you know, to me. It bears no weight in my life. And it's not something I need to change if I can refute what you're saying and dismiss your opinion. And so I think if this is something that happens, happens to you where someone says, and this is crazy because we were literally just talking about this in our group before I got on to record this. But if someone is constantly telling you, you're dramatic, you're sensitive, you're overreacting, you're angry, you're just a kid, you're stupid, whenever you share how you're feeling, this is a sign that they don't want to listen to what you have to say. Because if they do, they're going to have to feel something,

make a change, explain themselves, be held accountable, whatever it is. And so it's easier to label you and write you off in this way. And does that mean that we are never being cruel or critical or overreacting or whatever the word is? Of course not. We have to have that level of self-awareness, which is something we've been talking about a lot this month inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club, to be able to say, is this true about me? Is this something that I feel exists across multiple relationships in my life? Do I feel like my actions are in line with this label of me? And something we were talking about in the group today is that sometimes your self-perception can get so messed up when you grew up in a family system where people were constantly labeling you as something that

wasn't accurate, but was a projection or a defense mechanism that they held, like they were calling you dramatic or sensitive or stupid because of something that was going on with them. And I think that ties back perfectly into what this person is saying. Okay, someone asked about what about apologies that are so minimal and self-serving. All right. An example of an apology like that would be like, I'm sorry, can we move on? It wasn't that big of a deal. I'm sorry. Just kind of kind of throwing the word, I'm sorry, into a conversation without any real recognition of what went wrong, without any understanding or any plan to change the behavior. And I want you to remember the ingredients that are necessary in an apology for it to really feel genuine and mean something, right?

the person has to show by saying, I apologize for, I am sorry for an understanding of the situation, right? So a description of their behavior or whatever they are apologizing for. Then they need to show that they have some type of understanding about the impact that it had, how it made you feel, what it did, what the end result was. they need to be able to kind of give you a synopsis of that. And then there needs to be a plan for changing the behavior or for moving forward. Right. So I am sorry for saying that you are dramatic and annoying. I can understand how that felt really dismissive and cruel when you were going through a hard time. I should not have said that. In the future, I am going to make sure that I don't call you names when we're having an interaction. And if you want to get even more

specific about like, I am going to say that I need to take a break when I start to feel overwhelmed and like I'm going to fall into that pattern, or this is something I'm going to talk about with my therapist, or I'm working on this by reading this book or doing X thing. and coming up with a clear plan so that the person has some type of faith and understanding that you are actually working on this. Now, why do people apologize this way? A couple of reasons. They're hoping that it can just brush things under the rug, move on quickly without any real

attempt to be accountable or change the situation. It likely helps them avoid pain, discomfort. actual behavioral change, effort, all of those things that end up becoming part of a real apology. And so sometimes people will just want to say they're sorry, but not actually be sorry or do anything different. And that is why those apologies don't feel good and they don't work. And the other person might tell you, well, I said I was sorry, you just can't get over it. And this can be one of the reasons why you're unable to get over it and move forward. Okay, someone said, my mother-in-law who lacks emotional maturity and no one wants to be

around her, why is she so puzzled? So this is the interesting thing that can happen with people who are emotionally immature, right? Is that they lack the awareness of how their behavior is impacting others. They're unable to connect those dots a lot of the time. and this can be protective in a lot of ways. Like, I am not going to create the awareness in myself about how my behavior might be impacting other people.

And even in the face of a lot of evidence, like people not wanting to spend time with you, they still might reject that awareness. And so when they are given the evidence of, like, people not wanting to be around them, they could look for other reasons for that, right? That person is being selfish. They're crazy. they're rude. They're being brainwashed by their ex-family member. Their partner doesn't want them to be around me, whatever it is. Any reason that is external to the self, right? And so while for an outside

person who is clearly looking at this behavior and saying, hey, man, if you just could recognize how you're hurting us and maybe be a little less critical or stop showing up unannounced or say you're sorry every once in a while, we would want to spend time with you. It's really quite simple. Like it looks very obvious from the outside, but you seem to really be struggling with this. You know, it ends up being like, why can't they just see that? And I think especially for someone who is quite self-aware or who doesn't have a family system like this, your in-laws behaving in this way can be very, very difficult to navigate because it ends up being quite confusing in the face of that behavior because you're like, why can't you just figure this out?

Okay. Someone asked if I could talk about caring for elderly parents that are emotionally immature. Okay. I actually really love to talk about this topic. And I think that I want to do an entire month at Calling Home dedicated to taking care of elderly parents like across the spectrum. But when we're talking about caring for elderly parents that are emotionally immature, I think you have to keep a couple of things in mind. Their behavior may not change. So they might continue acting in the same ways even while you are caring for them. And this

can be really, really confusing because when you are an adult that is caring for an elderly parent, the power differential gets flipped on its head a little bit, at least physically, right? You might be caring for them because they are disabled, their health is declining, their mental health is declining, their cognitive health, and because of this, you end up having some sort of power over your parent that might be physical power, you might be in control of their finances, you might be driving them around, you might be planning their daily life, taking them to doctor's appointments, even deciding where they're getting to live, whether that's with you or in a facility or with a caregiver, whatever it is. But you suddenly have this power

over your parent in some way that maybe didn't exist before. Now, along with that power, there is still also this unequal distribution of power that continues to exist with your parent emotionally a lot of the time because there is always going to be that dynamic where you are the parent and I am the child. And I still feel like in some ways you are dominant over me emotionally and that you still have some control over me. You can still bother me. You know how to push my buttons. I still have the wounds there from childhood. And I find that some adults, when they are given the opportunity to care for a parent as they age, that they're able to heal some of the stuff that exists between them and their parent, right? Because some of the power is shifting and

maybe the parent is softening a little bit or they're being kinder to the adult child because the adult child is taking care of them. But there's also the flip side where some parents as they age and their health declines or they're not able to have as much independence that they become even more cruel or abusive or emotionally immature. And then their adult child is stuck in this position of I'm caring for someone that in a lot of ways is behaving in the same ways that they did when I was a child or even worse. And this question comes up a lot about like, what do I owe this person that has either always been cruel and abusive and mean to me or is doing that to me now?

And I don't think that there's one answer to that. It's going to certainly depend on your culture and your upbringing and where you live in the world and what resources you have access to. But there is also this piece that I think any adults of any age, any cultural background, etc. gets to ask themselves of like, what do I feel capable of doing for this person in this situation? And what am I willing to do? And your life circumstances are also going to dictate that. If I make this choice to care for my parent right now, what is that going to do to my children, my marriage, my work, my health? Not every person is.

a able-bodied adults with financial freedom, help with their children, a living situation that allows them to care for their parents. That's unfortunately the reality for a lot of American families today. And so I like to create nuance around this discussion that you are not a bad person. If you do not have access to the resources, the bandwidth, or the support to fully devote yourself to caregiving. And I talked about this in the YouTube video that I did about the show shrinking. If any of you have seen that with the character Gabby, who does not want her mother to move into her home, but is willing to help care for her. This is a perfect example of that, of some of the societal conditioning that she was pushing back against and the things that people

said to her and her feeling selfish and guilty and her mother rejecting her. Definitely go watch that video on my YouTube channel, which I'll also link in the show notes of this episode, but it's at Whitney Goodman, LMFT on YouTube, where I go a little bit deeper into this and some of the different options that you can work through. But I do think my goal with this conversation is really just to let you know that you have options. There's more than one way to take care of someone. And sometimes being the sole caregiver for a parent as they age is actually just a straight path to destroying what is left of that relationship because of the dynamic between those two people. And sometimes it is the one thing that can salvage that relationship. But only you know

what that would look like for you and your family and how that would need to play out in order for it to be mutually beneficial and successful. All right, let's answer one more question here today. Okay, someone asked me this question. This is so interesting. Someone said, how do you be nice to an emotionally immature person when you resent them so much? Okay. I'm going to make an assumption here that a lot of the time, the resentment that we feel about

emotionally immature family members is rooted in the fact that they will not do what they need to do to change and improve and be better. And we are doing that work. And so the resentment builds up because it's like, hey, wait, I'm able to do this. And I grew up with someone that didn't teach me any of this stuff. Why aren't you doing it? Why aren't you improving? And when those wounds happen throughout the lifetime. It really is like death by a thousand cuts, right? There are all these little moments where you're continuously building up resentment towards this person and wondering why they will not stop treating you this way. And so when I started thinking about the word nice, like how can I be nice? I want to know what nice means for you. And that's a question that

you can ask yourself if you're thinking about how can I be nice to this person. I think for some people, nice means being, like, respectful or cordial, not acting out or being aggressive or rude towards the person. For some people, nice means having a relationship and maintaining one. There's a lot of variations to that that I would want you to go back to thinking about what do I want my relationship to look like with this person if they are going to act this way. How can I manage that? How can I show up the way that I want to show up?

which is in line with my values and how I want to be known and seen in the world, right? And that might be what falls under your definition of nice. But sometimes I think instead of focusing on being nice to the other person, we can go back to how do I want to show up? What feels authentic for me as a human being? If I think that I am someone that is respectful, that is emotionally mature, that is really rooted in my values, how do I want to interact with this person? Do I want to interact with them at all? But sometimes we get so focused on being perceived as nice by the emotionally immature person and wanting them to think that we're okay and good, which is a losing battle a lot of the

time, that instead I want you to come back to you and how you want to show up. And if you looked from the outside in at yourself, how would your behavior make you feel? All right. Thank you so much for listening today and for sending in those questions about emotional immaturity. I hope to see so many of you next week in our groups. We will have the estranged adult child group. We have adult children, emotionally immature parents, and also our Overthinkers Anonymous group, which will be our last week this month, of diving deeper into emotional immaturity and emotional maturity, how to be more emotionally mature. If you would like any more information about this topic, you can visit callinghome.com. Also go back and listen to the episodes that I recorded this month

about this topic. And I have a very exciting interview episode for you coming out next week on Tuesday. So I hope to see you then. Have a great rest of your day, everyone. Thanks for listening and don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave us a review. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you

with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the calling home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets, and more. And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks, and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider

and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Collingholm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes' terms of service linked in the show notes below.