CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Empathy, Boundaries, and Healing

Starting point is 00:00:00 When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hey, everyone, happy Thursday, and welcome back to the calling home podcast. This is our Q&A episode where I answer real caller questions and tell them what I think about the issue

Starting point is 00:00:41 that they are having with their family. As a reminder, if you have any questions for me, you can always leave me a voicemail at 866-225-466. All right, let's hear you. All right, let's hear from our first caller. Hi, I'm calling because my mom is furious with me and thinks that I am ruining her life by not inviting her to hang out with me with my adult friends. She is definitely upset about aging, being older in her 70s, and upset that she is not invited to my friend's wedding, doesn't get to attend birthing classes with my pregnant friend and really blames me for not inviting her. So I have tried like doing a brunch

Starting point is 00:01:44 at my friend's bachelorette, things where no other mothers are there. It's just me, my friends and then me trying to include my mother in some way. It's at the point where we're not able to talk. I'm not able to share anything meaningful going on in my life because she'll be upset. She wasn't included. And he's an amazing, sweet, loving woman, also an alcoholic. And that also makes me not want to have her places because you really never know what you're going to get. but struggling to know how to best support her at this time in our life and find a way to make

Starting point is 00:02:31 our relationship work. Thanks. Gosh, this one's a little bit of a of a dozy here. Let me think about this a little bit. I think, you know, I can hear from this caller that you have a lot of empathy for your mother and you're you're kind of looking back at like, okay, I can see that she's getting older. she's feeling like she's not being included. It seems like you've done a good job of trying to really understand or get at the heart of her experience.

Starting point is 00:03:00 You also brought up the alcoholism part at the end, which I think can play a role in this, that sometimes people as they age, if that is part of their life, if drinking or going out is a big part of their life, they may be running out of opportunities or events or places to do that or even people to do it with. And especially if they associate drinking with being social and they want a lot of opportunities for that, that could be some of what is motivating this, this desire to be more social with younger people where it would be socially acceptable, perhaps for her to be drinking and be in that environment.

Starting point is 00:03:42 But it also sounds like there's definitely a real lack of boundaries here when a parent wants to be this involved in their adult child's life and maybe doesn't understand that that level of involvement can be really challenging for the adult child and can make them feel like they're not able to maintain their own identity or to have their own life. And so if you're in this situation, here's where I would start is I think, you know, you've shown the ability to be empathetic with this person's experience. and I think expressing some of that can be helpful of, like, I understand that it's hard for you. I understand that you want to be included.

Starting point is 00:04:26 And I cannot include you in X, Y, and Z. And some of this involves you being able to tolerate her upset when you are not able to include her in the way that she wants to be included. And I think it's important to remind yourself that, like, as an adult, you are entitled to have spaces where you are able to just be with your friends or to socialize separate from your parental figure and that there can be other ways to connect with that person. But typically when we're doing this and we're bringing someone into all these spaces and events that we don't want them to be at, it's probably or might be rooted in

Starting point is 00:05:10 this feeling of like, I am responsible for her feelings and I need to keep her. happy. I need to make sure that she feels included and not left out. And I think we have to work on abandoning some of those deeply entrenched beliefs that this is somehow your responsibility or something that you have to do in order to make this person happy. Because ultimately, when we have a family member like this, they also have to be able to form their own social outlets and relationships and things that are appropriate for them to be participating in. This is especially true, I think, when it comes to, like, a parent wanting to be involved in what your friends are doing and not just about you.

Starting point is 00:05:57 I think you mentioned, you know, wanting to attend, like, birthing classes with a friend or coming to a friend's baby shower. And that's really on those people to decide how much they would like this person to be involved. And that's not your decision. you know, to make that totally comfortable for her. And so I think a lot of what you can control here is your reaction to her desire to be included in everything and also coming up with different ways that maybe you can have a relationship with this person that doesn't involve including them

Starting point is 00:06:34 in every other area of your life. And this is something that will likely require, you know, a lot of trial and error will be difficult to manage and will require you to learn how to tolerate some pretty big feelings that come up when you're doing something like this. But what I can say is that if you're in a situation like this, it's very normal to feel some of these emotions of like, I don't really know if I want to have my parent included in all of these aspects of my life, especially if I'm worried about how she's going to behave when she's under the influence at some of these events or celebrations where I don't really know if she should be in attendance anyways because it doesn't really make sense. And so there are other ways to be

Starting point is 00:07:22 close with people that work for both of you and that don't kind of put you in this really difficult situation where you're trying to manage your family members' feelings about getting older, about their life changing. And that can all be true and very difficult. And you can have empathy and understanding for that without totally letting it derail and destroy any boundaries or personal space that you have in your life. Thank you again for calling in. Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need for your sunny days delivered with Uber eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered, but you can get a chicken parmesan delivered. A cabana? That's a no, but a banana. That's a yes.

Starting point is 00:08:06 A nice tan. Sorry. Nope. But a box fan. Happily, yes. A day of sunshine? No. A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. Pumpkin is here at Starbucks and we're making it just the way you like. Handcrafted with real ingredients like our real pumpkin sauce and rich espresso, sprinkled with pumpkin spice. It's full of real flavors you'll keep coming back for. Made just for you at Starbucks. Hey Whitney. I have a question about, just about my family dynamic. So I'm 30 years old and I grew up with a brother who's three years younger, so currently 27. And basically growing up, our parents were deeply emotionally immature, probably just not the ideal partner for one another. My dad's really dismissive and avoidant. And my mom is very emotionally needy. And so growing up, my brother, he was an emotionally volatile kid as well. So my mom relied on me. a lot, as you can imagine, as a pretty small child to either appease him or keep him in line and get him in check. So I felt kind of very parentified. Obviously, I have that language now, but looking back, I felt very parentified as a kid. And I had to grow up kind of pretty quickly just to help my mom out.

Starting point is 00:09:28 And then at around 10 years old, my brother, he kind of just became a bit calmer. And around that time I was like 13, so I was starting to individuate a bit more. My mom was really threatened by that, and the tables kind of turned, and my mom was much closer with my brother, kind of during our teenage years. And my mom and I got into a ton of fights as I was growing up. She really wanted to mold me into kind of a specific type of person, and I was just much more shy and quiet than she had hoped. And ultimately, went to college, everything worked out, got into therapy in my early 20s, and realized that kind of a lot of my anxiety had come from. these childhood dynamics. My issue is now, my mom and I, we've talked a lot of this out.

Starting point is 00:10:14 We're still kind of working through it, but my brother, he kind of treats me the way that my parents did when I was in high school. So a lot of name calling, a lot of put-downs. Him and my mom will actually kind of like gang up on me and make fun of me. And it just feels really unfair. I was wondering if you know how to navigate. kind of, I don't know, having conversations with adult siblings who maybe are falling into patterns that, I guess, are reminiscent of childhood or that they've clearly learned from their parents. So I was just curious if you had any insights, but really having a difficult time here,

Starting point is 00:10:54 so it would be great to hear your thoughts. Thank you so much and love listening to the pod. Thank you so much for calling in and listening to the podcast. Yeah, we have on the calling home website inside the Family Cycle Burgers Club, we have an entire content module dedicated to adult sibling relationships. And something that your question is reminding me of is kind of this way that siblings will align in certain ways with certain parents to get their needs met. And so sometimes a child will perform like these parentification duties of like, look, I'm so helpful, I'm mature, I'm insightful, I can do things for you. And they get rewarded. for that, right?

Starting point is 00:11:38 And then also you might have a child in the family who turned into an adult who is aligning themselves with the parent by being like them, you know, by ganging up or triangulating with them against another member of the family so that they can feel close. And you'll even see people become abusive in certain ways to align with a parent and to feel safe and protected by that parent because ultimately children, even in adulthood, are kind of fighting for the resource of their parents' attention and affection and love. And if the parent makes it feel like that child has to earn or perform for that love, they're going to figure out a way to do that. And this is a lot of times what causes discord between siblings. And for this

Starting point is 00:12:29 caller, it seems like that's definitely something that's happening here is that each of the siblings have found a different way and different ways throughout their life to align with the parent and to get that attention and affection and kind of maintain that closeness with the parent. And a lot of these ways are not effective. And if the parent cannot see and manage like how those alliances are forming and how they're impacting the sibling dynamic, then of course it's it's only going to get worse. And I think this can be true, even in adulthood. Now, what I will say is that I think adult siblings have to learn to manage their

Starting point is 00:13:08 relationships outside of the parental relationship. And so we have a lot of resources on the website, you know, about like becoming the adult sibling that you want to become, starting the conversation about this with your adult sibling. And I think, unfortunately, what a lot of this requires, though, is that both siblings have the ability to have these emotionally charged conversations, to honor each other's perspectives, to brainstorm different ways to collaborate, and to find a way to have a relationship outside of whatever is going on with their parents. And so I think first you have to like

Starting point is 00:13:46 dip your toe in the pond kind of and test out having these types of conversations and learning how each other feels about certain things and establishing a relationship that really exists outside of the relationship that each of you have with your parents. And both parties have to be willing to do that. And so if you're going to go talk to your brother about that, if they don't want to do that, then it's really difficult to make that happen. And I think that's when you have to start kind of working on resolving and healing, maybe some of the feelings that you still have around how you were treated in comparison to how your brother is being treated now or how they were treated when you were younger so that it doesn't become this thing that rules and

Starting point is 00:14:36 deeply impacts your life in a negative way. And you can do that without them really participating. And so for anyone struggling with this, I would definitely go to callinghome.com and under content, you'll find the adult sibling relationships module. We also have two podcasts. episodes with Fern Schubert Chapman and Dr. Jeffrey Greif that could be really helpful in this situation. Thanks again for calling in. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships.

Starting point is 00:15:23 You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level. We do have the Calling Home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets and more.

Starting point is 00:16:04 And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show. notes below.

CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Empathy, Boundaries, and Healing

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