CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Estrangement During The Holidays and Accepting Your Parents

Episode Date: December 5, 2024

In this episode, Whitney Goodman addresses the complexities of family estrangement during the holiday season. She discusses the emotional challenges faced by individuals who are estranged from their families, particularly during a time that emphasizes togetherness. Whitney provides insights on coping strategies, the importance of setting boundaries, and the need for self-acceptance. She also emphasizes that individuals are not defined by their family dynamics. Join Whitney and other family cyclebreakers this month at Calling Home: https://callinghome.co/topics/families-and-the-holiday-season Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, it's your host Whitney Goodman. I'm so excited to be back today for another Q&A episode of the Calling Home podcast. I just want to remind you all that for the month of December, we are talking about holidays and family relationships at Calling Home inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club. I am covering things like being estranged during the holiday season, setting boundaries around gift giving, food, logistics, parenting, things like that, how to deal with in-laws and expectations over the holidays and so much more. We're going to be taking a deep dive into each of these topics every week for the whole month of December.

And we'll also have special focused topic groups. The one this week was on estrangement in the holiday season. Next week will be a boundary setting in the holidays so you can come get feedback from other cycle breakers just like you and from me directly on some of your holiday dilemmas or just come and listen, process, share what's going on with you over the holidays and try to feel less alone. You can always join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at www.callinghome.com. That's calling home.com. And click on Join to find out more about our memberships. All right, let's go ahead and dive in and get to our first caller.

Hi Whitney. My name is Rochelle. I love your content. I follow it and have for quite some time. It's been very helpful in my own family estrangement. I'm also a licensed clinician as well. And so it's nice being able to hear other people's inputs and perspectives. But with this holiday season now here, one of the things I'm wondering about is for the people who are fully estranged from any and all parents, whether that's biological or more, how do they help themselves during this time that seems to be a really hard and sad time. And I mean that not just for myself because I'm estranged from all of my family and my partner's family also doesn't quite understand because their family doesn't have that dynamic. But it's also a very helpful reminder even for my own clients as they also do struggle with their own family estrangement. One of my specialties is complex trauma and association,

and so that seems to be kind of a symptom of that. as well. Just any advice, any guidance, even if they're just helpful reminders, because often we need those. I appreciate it. And I love listening to your podcast. Thank you. Bye. Thank you for your question. And I'm always honored and touched when other therapists join calling home or when they listen to the show. I almost like can't believe that other therapists would find value in this content, not only for their clients, but for themselves. So I really appreciate that. And it's always the biggest compliment to me and the biggest reason to keep going. So thank you for that. Let's talk about being estranged during the

holiday season. This is something that I mentioned in the intro of the show that we have been talking about for the whole first week of December inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club. And I think there's a lot to talk about here because something really unique happens. at the end of the year and during the holiday season that makes us be really reflective and maybe hopeful we might engage in a lot of fantasy making and it's a lot harder to manage this during the holidays and at the end of the year

than it typically is during other parts of the year unless we're comparing it to like a birthday or an event. There is something specific about the closing of a year and all the stuff that happens around the holidays that can sort of induce this feeling of reflecting on everything that has led us up to this point and also where we are with our relationships and in our life. And so for anyone who is estranged, whether you are the initiator of that estrangement or you're on the receiving end, I think the end of a year can sometimes memorialize this sense of like, wow, we just went another year. And so,

without really having contact with this person or these people. We've now spent another Thanksgiving, another Christmas, another birthday, another Hanukkah, another new year, not having the type of relationship that we want to have with this person or these people. And it can almost induce a sense of a feeling of failure, I think, even if you know that it's the right thing of like, gosh, did we really just have this happen another year? Did my mom really not apologize? Did she really not change? Did she really not reach out to me? Was I really not able to repair things with my brother? Is he missing, you know, our holiday celebration again? I think all of these reminders can become so much more powerful around this time of year because we are also living under this belief that we should be together and we're being bombarded with images and reminders and media campaigns and commercials of people being able to do that. And so I think when we feel

like something should be happening and a lot of people are doing it around us, it creates this sense of like longing and nostalgia and it makes it even more intense. And this is often where people start engaging in a lot more of that fantasy making as well, of like, well, maybe it could could be different this year. Maybe if I spend time with them, maybe if I just invite them, it'll be different. Or maybe I should try to reach out. And I think that people on both sides at the estrangement, I talked about this in an article on calling home this week. And I sent on an email about it. I'm also going to be recording another podcast about it for next week about gift giving over the holidays, especially to estranged family members. The estrangement and the

longing for that fantasy can make you do some things that you would regret around this time of year because you're hoping for things to be different. And so this might mean that you send a gift or a card to that person that told you not to contact them. It might mean that you reach out to that family member that has been nothing but verbally abusive to you every other day of the year hoping for them to be different and you get nothing but the same. And so I find that this time of year just induces that like nostalgic fantasy in us of longing for something different, wanting things to be different than they are. And so if you are feeling that way, I want you to know that that's not only normal. I think it's expected and common. And it's what

we are constantly talking about in our groups at calling home is like this feeling of like, I know it's not going to be different, but I wish it could be. And maybe it could be. And maybe it could be. what if I did this? You know, for some of you that are still stuck in kind of like that bargaining stage of acceptance when it comes to how your family is or how a certain family member is, a parent, it's like, well, what if I do it this way? And what if we just only meet up for this amount of time or if I say this thing to them or I do this thing that you feel like you can kind of like manipulate the outcome to be good? And I see a lot of people having to go through several rounds of trial and error before they can get to a level of acceptance around

that. So if you are feeling that way, I want you to know that that's normal, it's expected, and we have a lot of people like you, you know, in our groups and in our community a calling home, so you're not alone there. But I think it's important to remember, and I will say this like, till I'm blue in the face, that people don't change just because it's a holiday. And so you kind of have to give yourself that really honest, like, sobering reminder that just because it's a holiday doesn't mean that they're going to show up as a different person. I can wish it. I can want for it. I can try to create the perfect conditions. But it doesn't guarantee that it's going to happen. And so I have to have an even bigger level of acceptance

around this time of year for who these people are, who this person. person is because I want them to be something different. And so that means they have to get like really honest with myself about who they are and what they've actually done on holidays in the past and what it's actually felt like for me to spend time with them during the holidays or on on other types of holidays. The other thing I want anyone who is estranged this holiday season to remember is that you are not less than if you're spending the holiday alone or with friends or with less people. Your worth is not dictated by the amount of people at your holiday table or what you're doing on the holidays. And I said this in the Thanksgiving episode,

but this is another important reminder is that the way that you spend this holiday is not the way that you are going to spend every holiday in perpetuity. You're not going to have to repeat this every year. It's enough to just say, you know what, this is how I'm spending this holiday. And if I'm not with my child, if I'm not with my parents, if I'm not with, you know, my family, then that's the way that this year is. And next year might be different. And maybe I can try to find a way to make this year as good as it possibly can be. I can find a way to make it tolerables at a minimum. If you are estranged from your family, from a family member, if your spouse is estranged, I think it's really important that you try to go on our website

this month and look at some of the content. I know that this caller brought up explaining the estrangement to other family members who may not understand it, like a partner's family who just hasn't gone through this. And so they don't, they don't understand the level at which like a family can get to to have this happen. And we have a lot of great scripts on there for explaining estrangement to other people, setting boundaries around this type of discussion, what to say when people bring up the estrangement during the holidays or ask where your family is. And so we have a lot of great scripts that you can utilize as well to help you with that. Thank you so much to this caller for calling in. And I hope to see some of you inside the family

cycle breakers club. month we're dealing with estrangement. I think that you will come and meet a lot of other people like you. And I hope that that was helpful. With Amex Platinum, access to exclusive Amex pre-sale tickets can score you a spot trackside. So being a fan for life turns into the trip of a lifetime. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Pre-sale tickets for future events subject to availability and varied by race. Turns and conditions apply. Learn more at mx.com.com. All right. Let's go ahead and get to our next caller. Hi, Whitney. I want to keep my name personal just for privacy reasons. But I just wanted to call and leave a voice now. I've been listening to some of your podcasts. I'm a little bit new to this whole thing. I feel like I am a little bit younger compared to some of the people that are calling and it pains me to feel like I'm already in this position. But just feel like I grew up in a situation with emotional abuse and neglect and parents. who are still continuing to participate in those behaviors to this day.

And I'm married and out of the house, but I see that abuse still happening to my siblings. And, you know, a number of things. I feel like there's emotional and verbal abuse involved and a little bit of narcissistic abuse from my stepdad. My mom's been remarried to him for a long time and reminded me of that. other podcast you shared where, you know, I just kind of wonder why my mom hasn't left him and there's some grief in that that she hasn't been able to protect us. But now it's turned to the point where because she chose to stay with him, that she continues to act like him and has

even participated in a lot of those same forms of abuse now. It's currently happening to me. in. And I've really tried, like, having an open and honest conversation with them, going to counseling. And it's like, no matter what, everyone just tells me that I'm dramatic, that my side of the story is wrong, that it's completely inaccurate. And it's just so hurtful that nobody is really willing to listen to my side. I'm like, I would love to not think these things about my family and not have to go here, but it's the only thing that makes sense for what I experienced and for what I'm feeling and my mom is very emotionally immature and so you know that adds a layer of of hardness to things but yeah I'm just kind of wondering how to continue to have a relationship

with them if they continue to participate in that abuse and are not willing to listen to my side of things I feel like I've started to set some more boundaries but I just don't want it to get to the point where my kids can't see their grandma and their step-grandpa, you know, I want our family to be close and I feel like I have really exhausted all of the efforts it feels like when they are not willing to truly listen to myself. I really appreciate this question because I think it's a really common question and I feel like I can hear some of the pain and frustration like in this callers. voice and how much you have tried. And it is so hard to watch siblings, younger siblings, be

treated the way that you were treated and not really be able to do anything about it and feel helpless in that and know what the outcome is going to be and try to fight for them to get better treatment and to be called dramatic or crazy or whatever it is. And I've heard a lot of situations like this. And I think that it creates this really difficult situation where you as the older sibling has to save yourself and get out of a situation. But you're also maybe feeling some guilt about that or some resentment or some feelings about like, I have to make this better. And maybe that's what's making it harder for you to kind of straddle this line here or what's making you feel so conflicted. I think the other part of this here is that, you know, this caller

sounds like someone who's really quite family-oriented, right, and who wants to be close to family. And I hear this from a lot of estranged people, from people who are having difficulty with their family relationships is that, like, I want to be close with my family. I want to spend time with them, even though I don't really like them or I feel like they're treating me poorly. I am someone that values family and wants to be close to my family and wants my children. to have grandparents and all that good stuff. And so when you are someone with that value system, it can be very hard to be born into a family that does not really allow you to achieve that value easily, where it feels like you're constantly fighting to have that type of family system that you

want. And maybe you feel like you have to go outside of the family to achieve that. And that's not really what you want either. You want to be able to do this with the people that you are related to. and you want to, like, maintain that type of family relationship. And I really, really get that. And I hope that any of you listening to this know that struggling with your family doesn't mean that you're not family oriented or that you don't care about family or that you don't want your family bonds to be strong. I think, in fact, it means that you care a lot and that it's something that you value enough

to want to, like, save and work on and make better. And so a lot of this, I think, I always say this, like, I think family a lot of times is like good or bad luck, you know, like sometimes we are just born into family systems that we don't fit into well that we struggle in, that our personalities don't really mesh, you know, or in systems where there's a lot of generational trauma there have been a lot of things along the way that have made it difficult for this family system to, grow and flourish in the ways that would have made it easier for us. Your identity, you know, how you present the things that you're interested in can also really impact how a family feels to you. And some people might have a much easier time assimilating with their families than others for whatever reason. And so I don't want you to think that this is a reflection of you. But for anyone who can relate to this caller, I want to kind of walk you through like what I do when I'm working with someone who is working on accepting their parents. And so this would be

for someone that is in a position where they're like, you know what, I want to have a relationship with these people, but they are doing this thing. And I'm not sure if I can get past this thing that they're doing. And so the first question I want you to ask yourself is, if my parent never changes blank, can I have a relationship with them? And it is, if my parents never changes, blank, can I have a relationship with them? And insert in there, whatever it is. If my parent never stops drinking, if my parent never stops criticizing my weight, if my parent never stops fighting with my other parent, if my parent never stops, you know, constantly criticizing me, whatever it is. Whatever is this thing that you feel like is getting in the way of your relationship,

can you have a relationship with them? And you'll have like a gut reaction to that. And you'll have like a gut reaction to that, right? You might say, like, no, if they don't stop using substances, I can't have a relationship with them. Now, if you say yes, I want to try, I want to have a relationship with them. Okay. So then the next thing is to say, I accept that I cannot make my parent change blank. I accept that I cannot make my parent stop drinking. I cannot make them take care of their health. I cannot make them speak to me differently. I cannot control it. So if I cannot control that, what is my relationship going to look like with them? What needs to change? What needs to be different? What can I do differently to make this relationship sustainable? And this isn't a question

that you can answer like with one sentence. I think this is something that you really need to sit down and talk about with a therapist, with a sibling, with a trusted loved one, a partner journal about it, but really get clear on like, what is this relationship going to look like to make it work if this thing never changes about that? Because so often what I find is that a lot of adults say, I can have a relationship with my parent if they stop X, if they change this. and the thing that they want their parent to change is totally out of their control and it is completely on their parent to change. And a lot of times their parents are unwilling or unable to change that thing. And so you can continue fighting all day long with this reality of like,

I don't want my parent to be this way. I want them to be different. I want them to change. Or you can accept what is. And that sounds way easier than it is. But once you get there, it will feel liberating, right? And so if I accept this thing about my parent and I believe that it is not going to change tomorrow, maybe it'll change in the future, but for the context of my relationship right now, it's not going to change. Then what am I going to do differently? Am I going to talk to them less? Am I only going to see them a couple times a year? Am I going to not spend time with them when they're drinking, am I going to leave under X, Y, Z circumstance? You know, what are the conditions of our relationship going to be? And when you think about those conditions, I want you to focus on only

the things that you are going to do, not the things that you are going to ask them to change or the boundaries that you are going to ask them to respect. I want you to think about what you are going to set up in your life to make this successful. So if you are someone that wants your children to have a relationship with your parents, but you feel that you cannot trust your parents to take care of your children when you're not there, or you feel like you need to supervise it, that may be an intermediary step of like, my children can have a relationship with their grandparents when I'm present, when I'm there. They can not have a relationship with them alone. They're not going to travel with them alone. They're not going to do

X, Y, Z thing with them alone. And you figure out a way to maintain these relationships while tolerating reality and accepting what is. And I know there are some people listening to this that are going to be like, you know what, I don't want to have a relationship with someone where I have to tolerate all this stuff. And that's your answer. And that's fine. But there are a lot of people that will say, keeping this connection with my family is important to me. Maintaining a relationship with my family at large requires me to be around this person. And so I am going to accept what is and I am going to make decisions based on that reality. And it's tough.

And whenever that reality changes, let's say your parents' behavior intensifies, it gets worse. it becomes more intolerable, then you can adjust. This is not a forever thing. It's having the ability to accept what is directly in front of you and making decisions based off of that information. And then going from there when things change. It's not easy, guys. But I really hope that that's helpful. And if you go to our website, www.callinghome.co and click on content on the topics page. We have an entire four weeks dedicated to accepting your parents. I've got four or five worksheets, articles, scripts, videos, tons of stuff for you to work through to help you achieve the acceptance that I just talked about. And I think that that would be super helpful.

So definitely check that out. We would love to see you inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club. And I think that that content would be super helpful for you. Thank you again for the two callers that called in this week. Those were wonderful questions. And I hope that this was helpful for all of you. I will see you next time. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail, and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday,

and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the call. calling home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets, and more. And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical

advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.