CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Finding and Respecting Boundaries in a Sister Relationship

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

Today on the Calling Home podcast, Whitney is answering more of your questions. The first caller discusses a conflict with her sister, who has requested they attend family therapy before resuming communication. The second caller asks for advice on dealing with anger towards her sister, who has violated a boundary related to their abusive mother.  Have a question for Whitney? Call Home at 866-225-5466.  Click here to get “Toxic Positivity” on paperback.  Join Whitney’s Family Cycle Breakers Club for further support and discussion on family dynamics at CallingHome.co. Follow the Calling Home community on Instagram or TikTok.  Follow Whitney Goodman on Instagram or TikTok.  The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice or other medical advice or services, is not a substitute for advice from a qualified healthcare provider, and does not create any therapist-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home’s Terms of Service. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Welcome back to another caller question episode of the calling home podcast. This is the episode where you call in, ask me your questions, and I answer. If you ever want to be featured on an episode or want to get my take on a situation that you're in with a family member, you can leave me a voicemail at 866-2-25-4-66. All right, let's hear from our first caller.

Hi, I'm calling because I love your podcast and your work. I am calling by adult sibling relationships. I'm the oldest of three. I have a younger brother and then a sister. My sister and I have our ups and downs. I'm the only one with kids. And I'm the only one on the West Coast. So I don't know if that's any context, but we all grew up on the East Coast.

My sister and I have ups and downs. We have like big flights and then we make up and then it's fine and she's really good to my three kids. But we got into a dispute or conflict in September of last year because she was supposed to come to my son's birthday. Then she, the flight got delayed and she got frustrated and she just chose not to. And I got really angry at her because we have a small family and it kind of lashed out at her. thing like you know she's so selfish like you know I went really far and I know that's a problem of mine and I have done that in the past and probably growing up as older sister and you know my parents fought a lot and it was just really

tumultuous so I probably added to that but there is a really deep love for each other anyway I said sorry and I thought we made up but I guess she's really been hurt by it and she's like set out a clear boundary like this can't happen again and I don't want to reestablish like talking until we have a group like a family therapy session together which I feel I get I want to do but I feel like because now she's saying no talking until then it's creating like another problem like I'm feeling really hurt by this that she could just walk away and like not have a relationship and not talk to my kids until we get a find a therapist that could work both in New York and California and that we like

that matches our schedule. So it's like all based on logistics that we are not, we're not talking until we have that session. And I like go back and forth between understanding and like we're feeling infuriated by it. And now I'm afraid like when we finally do schedule, we're getting close to finding someone, but like I feel like it's turning into another problem that we're having where it's, I feel really hurt by this itself. So I'm afraid I'm not going to get over it. It's close to six months now. It's half a year. That's a lifetime for kids. I want to get over it. I know I messed up. I know I have messed up. I know I'm not perfect. She's not perfect either. I know therapy would be super beneficial for us, but I don't want to like put our life relationship on pause.

Thank you so much for calling in with this question. For anybody listening to this that's been on the receiving end of no contact, I think it's very challenging, right? And it's very disregulating to go from speaking to someone that you've had contact with in the past regularly they are someone you grew up with. They're a sibling. And to feel like they've suddenly just disappeared from your life, especially when you are kind of shouldering some of the responsibility for why she's putting that boundary in place. And that can be a really challenging place to be in because you can feel very anxious about like, well, when are we going to talk again and when is this going to resolve itself? And I really do understand that feeling.

And I know a lot of people have felt that way where you're just like grasping at straws trying to get things back to feeling normal. And we've experienced that, you know, in breakups and in friendships and in other types of relationships too, where you just are kind of trying to make someone come back and have normal interactions with you because their absence is creating a lot of anxiety. And I think that that's typically something that would happen in this situation. Now, it sounds like this is a situation that is cyclical and has repeated itself. And like there have been moments where you and your sister have both engaged in communication tactics and styles that you don't like when you do it.

you don't like how it feels to receive it. And if I had to guess, and again, I'm just making a guess here because I don't know your sister, it sounds like she might be feeling like I don't want to take the risk of this happening again. So I'm just going to put this relationship on pause until we can resolve it. And sometimes this is how people react when they've had enough. They need distance. They need space.

and as painful as it is for us, we cannot force them back into relationships with us, whether we think they're crazy or it's not warranted or they should just talk to us until we have the therapy, we still have to listen to the reality that that's where they're at and that's what they're asking for. And I do find that when someone has communicated this, if you try to push them repeatedly and maybe like hassle them or beat them up for the way that they are responding to this, they don't respond well. And it can often reinforce that feeling of, I need more distance from you because you're not even respecting the distance that I already put in place. And so that's something I would really consider here is like, how is it going to

appear if she set a boundary and you are saying, no, I don't like this boundary. I don't want this boundary and I don't think it's right. So you may have to find a way in this situation to deal with the anxiety that is coming up with you without your sister being involved in that. So that might mean talking to a therapist, talking to your partner, a friend, journaling, calling into shows like this, reading about it, joining a support group like calling home, and really just trying to find a way to manage your anxiety during this time where you're not speaking. because what I am hearing from your sister, which is a really good thing, is that she has a goal and a plan in mind for reestablishing contact with you. And so that's a really good thing. And it's very important that when that is happening, that we, you know, follow the guidelines and the plan while we are in this position so that you don't rock the boat or add more attention to this dynamic while you are trying to find a therapist.

purpose. And I know that it feels like a very long time and it's very stressful, but I do hope that ultimately in the end, taking this little break and talking to a third party and reestablishing some better contact will make you and your sister's relationships stronger in the long run. We'll improve your communication and will reduce the risk that estrangement or a long-term form of no contact or low contact ends up happening. And so that's something I would keep in mind if any of you are in this situation. I do have another podcast episode on Going No Contact. It's a solo episode from March. So you can definitely go back and listen to that as well. And then we have the adult sibling relationship entire monthly module on Calling Home.com that has a ton of like

worksheets, videos, resources, articles to help you with issues like this if any of you are struggling and wish that you had more information on this topic. Thank you again for calling in, and I hope that the therapy is successful. The white chocolate macadamia cream cold brew from Starbucks is made just the way you like it. Handcrafted cold foam topped with toasted cookie crumble. It's a sweet summer twist on iced coffee.

Your cold brew is ready at Starbucks. Hi, Whitney. I'm a new listener, and... I have been having trouble with one of my sisters recently. We come from a very chaotic household where our mother would just physically and mentally abuse us. I have been no contact with my mother for about three years now. And then my sister, I recently went no contact with her for three months because I just felt so much like anger. and we were dealing with a lot.

And at the end of it, we had a very long conversation and it wasn't perfect, but I felt like we were heading in the right direction. But since then, she has broken a boundary of mine when it comes into relation with my mom. And it has really just brought up so much from the past in my childhood and, like, the anger that I have with, like, my child. childhood in general and how they both individually treated me and treated me together. And I'm definitely no saint in this either. I learned a lot of bad patterns too.

I just, I guess my question is, what is there to do or what do I do with all that anger? Like, I know the behaviors aren't okay. I can empathize with, like, where they're coming from and how they grew up, but I just, I don't know how to navigate my relationship. with my sister when I don't feel respected and I already lost, or not lost, but I cut out a family member and I just don't want to do that to my sister, but I more and more recently feel like it might have to happen. And I'm just wondering if you have any advice to help me navigate this. Thank you. A lot of people have been calling in lately with questions about

siblings handling family relationships differently and how that has created risk. between the siblings and it's something that I think I'm seeing more and more in the questions I'm getting and also with how our family cycle breakers clubs members are talking about their sibling relationships in our weekly groups. And so I just want to say that this is super common lately and I empathize with how difficult it is to have decided to have a certain type of relationship or no relationship with one person and for the sibling to not be on the same page as you or even cause some disruption for you by sharing information or, you know, not respecting your boundaries, whatever it is. Unfortunately, a lot of these problems

that happen between parents and adult children can also happen between siblings because some of those siblings mimic behavior of the parent or they are supporting the parent or they're not in agreement with their sibling who is setting a boundary going to no contact, becoming estranged, whatever. And so I think for anybody in that position, you have to make sure that there's not triangulation happening here where you might be estranged from the parent, but you're still being very much pulled into the dynamic by way of your sibling. So your sibling sharing information, you sharing information, the parent intervening between

the two of you. These are all ways where that relationship can still be maintained in a negative way. even if you are no contact with that parent or with that sibling. And I can hear in this caller's voice, like I really don't want to cut out another member of my family because I already feel like I've experienced a lot of loss. And I think that that's very, very common. And going no contact or becoming estranged from a family member

is not a decision that is taken or should be taken lightly. And I can hear that you're spending a lot of effort and energy on making that decision and not wanting to feel like you've had to distance yourself even more from your family than you already have. Now, that being said, I think that this is a situation where you have a lot of anger. And so I would want to know, like, what is that anger telling you? Where do you think that anger is coming from? If I had to guess without having a interaction with this caller, I would think that the anger is maybe coming up from feeling like there is a lack of respect or reciprocity or understanding in this relationship with the sibling.

And when you feel like your boundaries are being violated and they're not being respected and you don't feel safe or like the relationship is equal, you're probably going to feel angry. So the goal is not to necessarily shut down the anger or get rid of it, but to find a way to work with it and do something with it and make decisions or changes in your life that help that anger to feel like heard and dealt with and understood. So I don't know if this is a relationship with a sibling where you can talk to them about how you're feeling and you can share how this anger is coming up for you and what it's rooted in and how you would like to handle things moving forward. Some people can do that with certain family members and some cannot, depending on their level of

emotional maturity, their conversation skills, their communication skills, all of that. You've also really, I think, eloquently and responsibly stated, like, hey, I haven't always reacted the right way every time. And there's things that I have done that may have negatively impacted this relationship. And so it's important to also bring that up in these conversations and talk about, you know, hey, we have the this relationship that I would like to maintain and to improve, how can we do that? And how can I also make sure that I'm communicating with you in a way that is healthy and respectful? And you may also just have to change the type of relationship that you have with a sibling without

necessarily going no contact or becoming estranged, but simply just changing what you decide to talk about, the frequency of your conversations, how you decide to spend time together can be really helpful, sometimes just pulling back a little bit with people and not interacting with them during certain situations can be very, very helpful. And so I would consider that as well and kind of walk through like what kind of relationship do I want to have with my sister as adults if I am estranged from our parent. And I have an article about this and also a worksheet about establishing a new adult sibling relationship under these types of circumstances at calling home.com in our adult sibling relationships topic module. So definitely check that out.

I hope that this was helpful. I wish you all the best with this relationship. And thank you so much for calling in. Thank you so much for calling in. Thank you so much for calling in. with those amazing questions this week. I love getting to speak with each of you and learn more about the difficult things that your families are going through and hopefully help you navigate some of those situations. If you have your own situation that you're working through with an adult family member, please don't hesitate to call 866-225-466 and leave me a voice mail. I may choose your question for an upcoming Thursday Q&A episode of The Calling Home Podcast.

If you would like to join the calling home community and interact with other family cycle breakers in groups, work on worksheets, read articles, and take everything you're learning from this podcast to the next level, you can join me at callinghome.com inside the family cycle breakers club. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice, or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.