CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Grandpa is Dating Someone New

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

In this episode, Whitney shares her 3 Little Epiphanies for the week: Mary Cosby from RHOSLC did an amazing job How RHONY is an example of "therapy speak" entering the mainstream in a good way How Whitney is choosing to handle her news consumption in 2025 She also answers two caller questions. Caller 1 is having a baby and doesn't want the baby to meet her father. Caller 2 recently lost her grandmother and is trying to navigate Grandpa having a new girlfriend. Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club: www.callinghome.co/join Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hello everyone and welcome to the Calling Home podcast. This is so exciting because as you can tell if you're watching this on video, if you're seeing clips, we finally have a clear picture from the new camera that I got to record on and we have lights in the office and this is just a really amazing new development. So I am hoping to continue uploading more long form videos to YouTube. our videos inside of the calling home community are going to be even better and I have officially watched every video on YouTube about lighting and cameras. So thank you so much for bearing with me

while we were really going through it with that horrible resolution on the camera. And for those of you listening, nothing changes for you. All right. So a couple of updates that I wanted to give you. this month inside the family cycle breakers club, which is our membership community at Calling Home, we are talking about how your family relationships impact your romantic relationships, who you date, partner with, your marriage, et cetera. And so if you're ready to break free from the chains of dysfunctional relationships and rediscover the love that you truly deserve, we understand how frustrating it can be to repeat old patterns and feel trapped in a cycle of pain. You deserve meaningful relationships without the hurt.

And that's why we're so excited to be covering how your romantic relationships are shaped by your family history. Our first group was yesterday, Wednesday, February 5th, but they will be continuing for the entire month. And we will always be adding new content to the website every Monday, articles, videos, worksheets, and scripts to help you through this. and when you join us, you won't just get access to amazing content, but you'll also become part of a supportive community. I want you to imagine being surrounded by like-minded individuals during our weekly support groups where we delve deeper into content, share experiences, and offer encouragement as cycle breakers. We have helped thousands of adults transform their relationships, and now this is how you can get started. First, you will join the Family Cycle

Breakers Club. I will put a link to that in the show notes. Then you'll get get new content delivered every Monday. You can access that on the website or in your inbox, and you can join weekly groups with other family cycle breakers. And I want to just share a couple of things that our members have been saying about our groups. One said it made me feel less alone and gave me new ways of understanding. I felt a little bit alone until I found the group. It's so helpful knowing others who are experiencing the same thing and can provide inspiration and insight. And this group has helped me realize I'm not alone in how I'm feeling, hearing other people's stories is the validation I've needed to be confident in my

decision to go, no contact. Isn't it time you took that first step towards joy and connection? If you're struggling with your relationship patterns, our program is your path to freedom. Join now and take the first step toward enjoying secure, loving relationships because you deserve it. I will again put the links to all of that in the show notes, and I hope to see you all in a group next week. I'm also going to be introducing a new segment that I'm going to do on the Q&A episodes and my solo episodes. And that is going to be Little Epiphanies, which is also the name of our free email newsletter at Calling Home that you can always sign up for and get one email from me every month for free.

I will put that in the show notes as well. I'm going to be sharing three things from my week that either inspired me, made me think, related to something that we're doing at Calling Home, whatever it is. But I find that I have thoughts about pretty much everything that I watch, that I see. And I know that you all are the ones that would probably find these thoughts most interesting. But if you don't want to hear me like Yap about reality TV and the news and the things that I'm noticing and changes in my own mental health, et cetera, you can go ahead and fast forward and get to those caller questions. So the three things this week. three little epiphanies that I want to share with you.

If you do not watch The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, you need to go and just watch this season because I've made a habit of really not talking about real people and what they're going through on social media. And that includes actresses, celebrities, you know, reality stars that put themselves out there. I just get like a pit in my stomach when I'm talking about actual people because I don't know if I know the whole story. I don't know them. I don't want to add to the noise during something that is possibly like the worst moment in their life. But I want to share something really positive and good about this.

I love reality TV. And I think that reality TV is so reflective of like what we're going through as a culture. And if you've watched any reality TV over the last decade, you will notice, like, there has been a shift in what people talk about, how they speak. And so I want to share a little bit of that today. But in The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, there's a woman named Mary Cosby, and she has a son who I think is like 19 or 20. And the son shares about his addiction.

And the reason I felt comfortable talking about this here is because I was watching the reunion and Mary Cosby talks about how her and her son had a conversation before deciding to share this on camera and they really came to an agreement that if they could help at least one person, they were going to do this. And so it felt to me like this was something that they decided to do. They weren't necessarily like goaded into doing. And I just thought that this was one of the coolest, like most beautiful moments between an adult child when they're struggling.

and their parent. And it really, it choked me up when I was watching it because the way that this mother, you know, really met her son where he was at and, you know, believed in him and showed up for him and didn't shame him and really tried to be like, I am your partner in this. I want to help you get better. And even as he was sharing this stuff about what he had been doing and what he had been going through that would be so disregulating to a parent, she stayed with him in that moment and was so, like, present and loving. And I think that the way she reacted to her son sharing this in this moment will go on to change the trajectory of their lives. And I just thought it was such a cool thing to see that kind of interaction modeled on television. And also just to

normalize that you can be a good parent with a kid that's going through a hard time. And I say this a lot, but I don't think it's about necessarily what your kid is going through or whose fault it is. It's about who you show up and who you are in that moment to help them through that. And I think she did such an excellent job. So Mary Cosby, if you're listening to this, I would die. I think that that was amazing. The other thing I'm noticing is I was watching The Real Housewives of New York, and I was also watching some other show, I forget. And the language that I am seeing reflected in reality TV today and even regular, you know, television has been so impacted by the rise of therapy and by people, you know, I think like myself, like other therapists who are sharing online, kind of bringing this type of language. into the mainstream via social media, I have noticed, and I know that therapy language gets

like a bad rap, and we can talk about that another day, like how certain terms are overused, etc. But I've noticed something else really positive happening with this that wasn't an epiphany for me. It was like, now I think normal people are really considering the context of someone's behavior. When I was watching The Real Housewives of New York City, there is a woman on the show that is clearly going through a very difficult time and is behaving in a way that is concerning, that is not socially appropriate maybe, and that people do not enjoy. And I noticed a shift here from when I used to watch shows like this where there would be a lot of finger pointing, labeling, cussing someone out, that in this moment, a lot of these women

were like, you know, I have a lot of compassion for her. She went through this. I'm not excusing her behavior. And I also see it in the broader context of her life. And I don't have to have her in my life or I don't have to tolerate this behavior and all these other things are true. And I was like, wow, I think it's really cool that people now are learning about. why people are the way they are and what can lead them to behave in these ways, right?

And what can cause them to do things like this? And I thought that was so cool, especially as someone who has, like, kind of watched a lot of these shows over the years as, like, a way to look at human behavior. I find that's so fascinating. And it's something cool that you can do, like even noticing, you know, when you're with your friends, when you're watching TV, when you're watching interviews, like the way that culture has shifted in this really positive way, actually, to include a lot of this, like, quote, unquote, therapy speak as a way to understand one another, have more compassion, have more empathy, et cetera.

I think that's really, really cool. And I hope that that's something that we can also consider and discuss when we're talking about the rise of things. therapy speak, and maybe some negative consequences that we have experienced as a culture. All right. My third little epiphany that I wanted to give you all is that I am feeling insanely overwhelmed by social media, the news, the amount of information that is flying at me at all times and how quickly it's moving, I feel like I hear one catastrophic thing. 12 hours later, they're like, oh, JK, doing something different, we're not going to do that anymore

or this happened, this agreement was whatever it is. And it's truly driving me crazy. And so I just want to share with you kind of like the place that I've landed when it comes to this because I'm having a little bit of a moral dilemma when it comes to being on social media, participating in some of these platforms, bombarding you with information and also feeling like, like this poll between, well, I don't want to leave and have it just be all this. We should also be showing up in a positive way and helping people. And people are sending me articles and links and watch this and do that. And this is what I'm going to do.

And I think that there are going to be some of you that disagree with this or think that it's privileged and in a lot of ways it is. But I have realized that there are a couple of ways that I invoke change in the world that I want to see. And those are the things that I have to stick to right now. The first is my work. So doing this podcast, helping people make change in their families, helping them heal, grow, become more emotionally mature. I truly believe at my core that that work ripples into all these. other areas of life, including politics and major events. And so I have to believe and tell myself

that that is the lane that I am going to drive in there. The other thing is through my children. The way that I raise my kids, the way that I show up as a parent, is that I am instilling in them, the values and the principles that I believe in that I think will make them good citizens, and I can teach them that and they can decide what they're going to do with that information. And the third thing is how I vote and the issues that I care about. And what I have realized is that we are at such a crossroads in the world that there's truly not one more piece of information that could change how I feel. about certain things and could make me really alter how I'm showing up in those three areas.

And so that means that I probably don't need to hear about every single minute detail and change that is happening all day long. It probably means that I can read some stuff at the beginning of each day or even catch up once a week. And that if there is major change or transition or something that I need to do, I can adjust and I will do it. But what I am noticing is that in those three areas of how I vote, how I raise my children, and how I do my job, consuming this much news and media and vitriol and yelling and outrage is making me not able to show up adequately in those other areas. And those areas are the most important to me. And I think that they are where I can make the

biggest difference and the biggest impact as a therapist, a human being, and a mother. So that's what I'm going to choose to focus on. And I think that could be a good exercise for you, right? Of like, what are the areas in my life where I am showing up and I am making. change and I'm making the world a place that I want to be in, that I like to be in. And for me, the only way that's happening on the internet is through my work. So I just wanted to share that with you all. All right. So that's it for our little epiphanies. Now we are going to move into the Q&A segment of this episode. I've got two super interesting caller questions for you today. The first caller is someone who is having a baby and there are some substance use issues

in the family and she is wondering how to handle that with the new child and I'll play her voicemail for you soon. The second caller is super interesting. This is the first time we've had this issue on the show. This is someone who has recently had a grandparent pass away and the living grandparent is now seeing someone new and this has been difficult for the family to adjust to. So I'm really excited to dive in to those two calls. Let's go ahead and get to that first caller. Hi Whitney. I'm having a baby in a few months and I do not have contact with my birth father and neither do my sisters. This is due to a lifelong of abuse. and substance abuse, I have gotten comments from family and in-laws already, like, oh, that's his

grandchild. He deserves to need them, yada, yada. How do you deal with the negativity and judgment that comes from other people, and how do you navigate trusting people to not introduce your baby to him? Thank you. Thank you so much for calling in and leaving that voicemail. I feel like I can hear the the pain in your voice and that's it's so hard it's so hard when you're pregnant and you want things to be a certain way and you also feel very emotional because of all the hormones and like just your family not getting it it sucks I mean I understand what it feels like to be flooded with all of that emotion and like longing for something different you know and so

here's what I'll say. You know what is right for your child's, and you are their protector, right? Whether they're in the womb, outside, that is your job. And that doesn't mean everyone is going to get it, right? They're going to be people who say, and they say this to me all the time, you know, but it's their grandparent. They deserve to meet them. They should have to meet them. And I don't think that anyone who is unsafe is entitled to a relationship with your child. And so I want you to try to empower yourself to take on that role. And I'm not sure if this is your first child, it kind of sounds like it is. But if it is, really thinking like, okay, this is part of me becoming a mother.

It's part of me becoming a parent is that I have to become a particular. in a lot of ways. And sometimes that means protecting my child's from the very people that I wish could be in their life. It means protecting my childs from people that hurt me. And that is so painful to have to be in that situation. It's even more challenging when other people don't get it. And so you described, you know, other family members who seem to be pushing back on this. And I think you have to find a way to quiet that noise. And so that starts with you building up your inner confidence, your inner knowing that you know what is right for your child and what is best, right? So I know what is best for my child. I get to make decisions for them. I know what is the safest thing. I will make the

best decisions with the information that I have now. If I get new, different information, then I will make different decisions if something changes. But for right now, this is what matters. And what I will say is that when you are pregnant sometimes, and I'm speaking from personal experience and people that, you know, I know have shared this with me, that everything feels really like daunting, like what it's going to be like on the other side. And there's a lot of these unknown variables, right? Like who's going to be coming over to see the baby and meet the baby and all feels. very, very stressful. And I do think that sometimes once that baby is in front of you, you will feel a little bit more of a confidence in yourself because you can see the child.

They're in front of you. You've made it through pregnancy. And you're like in the moment to be able to say, I know what I'm supposed to do now. I know what is expected of me is, you know, to protect this child and keep this child safe. And you will feel maybe more like, like empowered and emboldened to do. But the other part of this is is your feelings about it. And so I want you to try to prepare yourself for the reality that you might be a wonderful, protective, safe mother who also is kind of feeling a lot of these conflicting feelings of grief of like, but I wish that my family was different. I wish that I could have them around the baby. Maybe I just want to try. Maybe it will be different, kind of engaging

in that fantasy and also having to deal with people texting you, calling you, showing up at your house, you know, whatever your family is like to see that child. And so if the child's other parent is involved, whether that's through co-parenting or being your partner, I think it can be helpful also to get them on the same page of how you're going to handle this and what you're going to do moving forward. Right. And that way you've feel like you have support. And if the child's parent isn't in the picture, isn't involved in that way, you can also include a friend, a safe family member, someone that can really back you up and help you decide what you need to do. Now, it's very important here to know that this doesn't

have to be forever. And I don't want you to focus on making decisions for life unless that feels empowering and good for you. And for some people, that just feels overwhelming. And so it's okay to say, right now, the way this person is behaving, it's not safe for my child to be around them. It's not something that I feel like I want to do. If they stop using substances, they change, they get help, whatever it is, then maybe I'll reconsider. Maybe when my child is older. It will be a different relationship or a different dynamic. But for right now, this is what I have to do. And sometimes just saying this is what I need to do today can really help you and free up some mental energy. But if anyone is in this position, I really feel for you. I am so sorry that

you're like what should be a really meaningful, joyous, great time for you of bringing a child into the world that's also inherently stressful and overwhelming and chaotic is also you know kind of being influenced and tainted by some of this other stuff because that just makes something that's hard even harder. Thank you so much for calling in and I hope to hear from you again soon. All right. Let's hear from that second caller. Hi Whitney. I am going to admit my name, but I am calling because I have a question regarding the death of a grandparent and the living grandparent moving on. We lost my grandmother back earlier this year and my grandfather obviously has had a very, very hard time with it. But, you know, more

recently a few months ago started seeing someone else and it's moving very fast. And I just didn't know how we not only as grandparents but also my own parents, how we navigate that relationship because obviously we want them to be happy, but also we're still dealing with our own grief. And it's hard to balance that line between being happy for them, but also acknowledging that we're still grieving. And my grandfather doesn't really, not that he doesn't see that, but it's hard to have conversations about my grandma while while he's in the room because he always has his girlfriend with him. And it's just, it's a hard dynamic. So I just didn't know if you had any

advice on how we navigate that. Thanks so much. Bye-bye. Thank you for calling in. What an interesting and difficult dynamic to be participating in. It sounds like you have a lot of empathy and understanding for your grandfather and yourself and what you're going through. So let's talk about like what's what's happening here, right? There's been a huge shift in how the family organizes. Typically, when there are, you know, grandparents or the oldest generation in a family, the family is like circled around that person. And this is how they know how to operate.

You've likely been functioning like this for many, many years, right? Of that being the matriarch and the patriarch, and this is how everyone kind of conducts themselves in accordance to how the family is laid out around those people. And then when one of those people passes away, you're right that all of you and the family are going through your own grief and also your own transition and your own reshuffling of figuring out, okay, where do I belong and how does our family function without this person, you know, without my grandmother. And your grandfather is doing this in his own way, right? He has likely felt a large void left in his life, especially if they were together for a very long time. And he is feeling like I need partnership,

I need someone around, I need a companion, you know, in order for him to get through his grief. And I think there are people who would say, yeah, that's me. That's what I need if I were going through this, or I know someone that also needed that in there. Those of you that would say, wow, that's way too quick, you know, to move on. We need more time or, like, is he just replacing her? That I could see how so many people in the family would have really conflicting emotions and beliefs about what is, like, quote, unquote, right in this type of situation. That being said, it sounds like there's a lot of, like, care being kind of held around communicating in front of the girlfriend or grieving in front of her. And I would want to know more

about that. Like, is anyone worried about upsetting her? Is she uncomfortable? Because certainly she knows, you know, especially if you're dating someone that is much older, you know, who is now widowed at this age. Like, she knows that your grandmother is no longer there. Is she the one that's making you all uncomfortable? Is this something you're doing for her benefit? or her comfort. And I would want everyone to kind of like explore that. Like, why can't we talk about losing grandma or memories or things around her? Because that, that is a fact. It's part of our lives. And, you know, it's something that we're going to talk about as a family. And if she's really uncomfortable with that, that might be more of a her thing, especially given like the state

of the family at this moment. I also think, you know, it's okay for everyone to say this is how grandpa is dealing with this. Doesn't mean he doesn't miss her or that he's doing anything wrong, but the way he's grieving doesn't necessarily align with the way that we're grieving. And so we might need to like have our own rituals and outlets for our grief and find a way to tolerate the fact that like this is how he's grieving. But it is also okay to as a family try to have moments where you see each other, you know, without the other person or you are able to just grieve, you know, the loss and the fact that your grandmother isn't there. My biggest takeaway from a situation like this is to remember that this is a moment of transition. Everything is in flux. It will not be like this forever.

and that there is a very good chance that as the family starts to reorient themselves to being without this person, that things will feel easier and they will feel better. But certainly a moment of transition and struggle for the family. Thank you so much for calling in. All right, everyone, thank you so much for listening today. I really appreciate you letting me share my little epiphanies for the week. Thank you so much for those two callers that called in. As always, remember that you can call into the show any time to leave me a voicemail. And I will answer your question. I pick two callers

every week. And I will be back next week with another episode on Tuesday. Thank you so much and have a great rest of your day. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866 225-5-466 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work

on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the Calling Home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets and more. And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks, and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship

between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.