CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Guilty Over Going No Contact; Parents That Lack Emotional Maturity

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

Today on the Calling Home podcast, Whitney answers more questions from listeners. The first caller discusses their decision to cut off contact with her abusive grandparents and now feeling guilty for doing so. Whitney will talk about why that is a normal response and strategies for moving past the guilt. The second caller shares their experience of growing up in a household lacking emotional maturity and how her parents struggled when she expressed views different from their own. Whitney talks about the generational differences in handling emotions and the challenges of tolerating differences between parents and their adult children.  Have a question for Whitney? Call Home at 866-225-5466.  Head over to cozyearth.com and use promo code "callinghome" for an exclusive 35% off. Click here to get “Toxic Positivity” on paperback.  Join Whitney’s Family Cycle Breakers Club for further support and discussion on family dynamics at CallingHome.co. Follow the Calling Home community on Instagram or TikTok.  Follow Whitney Goodman on Instagram or TikTok.  The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice or other medical advice or services, is not a substitute for advice from a qualified healthcare provider, and does not create any therapist-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home’s Terms of Service. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Welcome back to another caller question episode of the calling home podcast. This is the episode where you call in, ask me your questions, and I answer. If you ever want to be featured on an episode or want to get my take on a situation that you're in with a family member, you can leave me a voicemail at 866-2-25-4-66. All right, let's hear from our first caller.

Hi, Whitney. My question is regarding my no contact with my grandparents. I had a really close relationship with them. My whole adult life, up until the last couple of years, it came to light the abuse that my mother went through. that she is now healing from. And I've made the decision to not engage with my grandparents, to not allow them to meet my son or any future children that I plan to have.

But I still feel very guilty about this decision. And I was just wanting some guidance. Thank you so much. Have a great day. Thank you for calling in. And I'm sorry that you had to make that difficult choice to go no contact with your grandparents. I know that that's not a choice that people often want to make, you know, especially when they have a certain vision for their family.

I think if I could speak to anyone that has guilt about going no contact, you have to come back to your why and really identifying what was the motivation behind you making this decision. And it sounds like you have a history of abuse in your family that has made you feel like you cannot trust these people or feel safe around them. And if you have young children and it's something that involves, you know, a risk to them, thinking about what is my duty to this young child who can't protect itself versus my duty to my grandparents, it's also very normal to feel guilt about a decision that is often stigmatized or that we feel like we shouldn't make or shouldn't

have to make. And so reaffirming for yourself that like, this guilt is normal. I get why I feel guilty. Maybe there are people in my life or messages that I grew up with like that family is everything or you should always keep family around that are causing me to feel some guilt and how can I deconstruct some of those beliefs so that I can feel a little bit better about my decision. I think all of that can be immensely helpful. I also have another episode that's called going no contact, where I tell a bunch of different stories from people and go through some poll results that I collected on my Instagram about going no contact that might be interesting for you to listen to. And we also talk about dealing with guilt in that episode. So I would definitely

go back and find that one as well. Thank you again for calling it. I know for moms it can be kind of hard to treat yourself to something, right? Like you may be thinking like, oh, I need another blanket for the baby or for the kids. And it's, difficult to buy yourself something. And it can be a big commitment to buy a blanket that's nice. Maybe you're using something really old or you just have like a million baby blankets in your house and nothing for you. That's the great thing about Cozy Earth. They use only the best fabrics, materials, and leaves that offer superior softness and invite you to sink into a world of comfort. And if you're worried about committing to a blanket thinking it's going to get

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Hey Whitney, I'm a huge fan of your work. I love your social media, and I absolutely love the podcast. I just wanted to, first of all, thank you for what you're doing to help people navigate the pain of some adult relationships. Just quickly, I really want to share something that's helped me, but I'll give a little background. I grew up in what seemed like a super loving household, and I think everyone was doing their best. I certainly believe that, but there was definitely a lack of emotional maturity, and that became more apparent to me as I grew older. And then especially became a parent when I no longer mirrored my parents and had some different opinions and different thoughts, then they really struggled with me and, you know, tried to basically.

pull me back in line like you're you're not the way we raised you to be and you need to fix this and at first I tried really hard to like make them happy and and gain their stamp of approval or their acceptance that was just where I was through counseling and just facing a lot of it I have been able to to start to grieve what I can't fix between us and I definitely tried very hard to get, especially my mom, to go to counseling with me, but she won't do it. So we are kind of stuck. But what helped me was, after reading fault lines and doing lots of my own work, is just realizing, like, some of this is generational, and, like, baby boomers were taught

by their own parents to put on a happy face and not talk about things. And so that's their cultural norm in some ways. Their generation's cultural norm is to pretend like a lot. Everything's great talking about it is weakness and just fake it until you make it type of stuff. And that's just not how I don't feel like Gen X and Millennials and Gen Z have it all carried that on, which I think is great. I think will end up healthier. And one thing that's helped me so much, last thing, is I have children ranging in age from 34 down to 16. And even though I can't fix my relationship with my parents and it can't get it to be what I want it to be, or so far I haven't.

unable to, I absolutely can change that dynamic and parent my own children in the way that I wish I was treated. And I can respect the differences that they have from me. And if they are politically, theologically, anything opposed to what I think, it doesn't mean I have to pound on them. I don't have to hammer on them for those beliefs. I could literally say, huh, that's really interesting. Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm making it my life goal. to stay in relationship with all seven of my kids and just really working on owning my mistakes and being open to hearing from them. Thanks for your good work. Super appreciate it. Thank you so much for calling in and sharing about that. I think you're so right that it's it is

part of the older generation's cultural norm, you know, to like put on a smile to keep going to silence how we're feeling. And I think some of that is out of survival for a lot of people. They didn't have the option or the luxury to think about a lot of these other things. And they didn't develop the skills. And this is like an issue that has hit a critical mass. I think with younger generations where the world that we're living in were really being forced to reckon with some of the consequences of those decisions and those practices. And there are certainly things that millennials and Gen Z and Gen Alpha are going to get wrong, right, with their own children. I think there's, we are always parenting in the now for a world that we don't know

what that's going to look like when our kids get there, right? And so we are often flying blind, I think. But you're bringing up such a good point that a lot of this comes down to having the ability to tolerate differences between parents and their adult children. And this can be very challenging on both sides. You know, you brought up religion and political differences of when a parent has an expectation that a child will follow their beliefs and the child decides not to do that, it's hard.

You know, I think you have a wonderful outlook on this where you're like, I am going to try to find a way to say, that's interesting. Or, you know, I hadn't thought about it that way and really try to be in a relationship with your child where you allow them to. explore some of those beliefs in a way that isn't threatening to you. And there are also adult children who are looking at their parents and saying, I'm struggling to be in a relationship with someone who believes the things that you believe. And I'm starting to see this go both ways. You know, we have children who maybe are more conservative or more religious than their parents.

And it's hard for the parent to tolerate. And there are parents who are much more conservative and or religious and they're having trouble maintaining that connection with a child who does not ascribe to their religion or who is maybe politically different. And so we have to think about, like, as we navigate this journey of like having children, can we have children who are not like us? Can we have children who decide to behave differently? Where do you draw the line with your parents or with your adult child in being able to sustain a relationship with them when they have different beliefs than you. And I think everyone has a different line in the sand with that on what has gone too far, what makes it impossible for them to have a relationship. But I think this is the

reality of our world today when it comes to friendships, family relationships, co-workers, like we just, there's a lot more tension in these areas of life. There are a lot stronger differences in opinion. People are much more likely to voice those opinions and are much more likely to make decisions about their relationships based on those opinions. And it's a very challenging dance to dance. And so I really appreciate you bringing that up and sharing your outlook on that. And I hope that calling home continues to be helpful for anyone who might potentially relate to this caller or is in this situation. Thank you so much for calling in with those amazing questions this week.

I love getting to speak with each of you and learn more about the difficult things that your families are going through and hopefully help you navigate some of those situations. If you have your own situation that you're working through with an adult family member, please don't hesitate to call 866-225-5-4-6-6-6-4-6. and leave me a voice mail. I may choose your question for an upcoming Thursday Q&A episode of the Calling Home podcast. If you would like to join the Calling Home community and interact with other family cycle breakers in groups, work on worksheets, read articles, and take everything you're learning from this podcast to the next level, you can join me at callinghome.com inside

the Family Cycle Breakers Club. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.