CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: His Parents Are Totally Different In Public

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

In this episode, Whitney addresses two caller questions. The first caller discusses her awakening to the dysfunction within her family and how uncomfortable she feels now. The second caller asks about the confusing behavior of her emotionally immature in-laws, who present a different persona in public compared to their private interactions. Whitney provides insights on navigating these difficult relationships and emphasizes the importance of acceptance, self-care, and personal boundaries. Timeline: 00:00 Introduction and Updates on Calling Home 02:33 Caller 1: Awakening to Family Dysfunction 16:51 Caller 2: The Dichotomy of Family Behavior Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club: www.callinghome.co/join Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Happy Thursday, everyone. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. I am so excited to be back for another Q&A episode today. As always, we know that your family situations can get a little weird,

and I hope that this podcast is very helpful to you. Just a couple of updates for what's going on at Calling Home this month. I am launching a new group for adults who are estranged from one or both parents. And that group is going to be launching at the end of January. It's going to happen on Monday, January 27th. And we're going to have that group twice a month on Mondays at 10 a.m. Eastern time. Members of the Family Cycle Breakers Club can register for this group and attend it regularly. You're allowed to attend as many or as few groups per month as you would like to. and those groups will be facilitated by me. We are also in the final stages of hiring new therapists to join calling home for the first time. We will officially have hopefully two additional therapists

running groups, and we are going to be launching an estrangement group for all types of family estrangement, as well as a mother-daughter group for daughters who have difficult relationships with their mothers. So stay tuned. I will give you more details on that as I have them. And for the entire month of January, just a reminder that we are talking about emotional maturity and emotional immaturity at Calling Home, we have new content that drops every single Monday on the website and is emailed to any members of the Family Cycle Breakers Club to help you become more emotionally mature and help you deal with the emotionally immature people in your life. You can always sign up for the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Callinghome.co, and I will link that in the show notes as well. But let's go ahead and dive into the episode. Today is a Q&A episode, which means I am going to listen to two caller questions. And if you would like to call in and have your question answered on the podcast, you can call

866-2-2-25-5-4-66. I choose two callers every week, and I will respond to your questions and give you some feedback. Today I have two really interesting callers. I am excited to dive into these dilemmas because I think that they're really relatable. and a lot of you will benefit from this discussion. Caller number one is an adult who expressed that she's dealt with a lot of childhood neglect, feeling alone all the time, and it sounds like she's really waking up to the dysfunction in her family and is figuring out that she can't tolerate it anymore and wants to know

what to do about that. And then our second caller is calling in about her in-laws being emotionally immature, not really showing up. And she's wondering why the public perception of them is so different from her experience with them personally and what that means. All right. Let's listen to voicemail number one. Good morning, Whitney. So they don't even know where to start.

It's just childhood of neglect, being alone all the time. But as adults now, who, you know, I'm 45, my sisters. 40 and my mother and my stepfather live, we all live right beside each other. And so the issues these days pretty much revolve around the expectation that we should all just still get together no matter what. There have been so many conversations in person where I share how dysfunctional I feel like it is that there have been so many dishonest, deceitful, backstabbing things that have happened. I mean, I have a saved voicemail where my mother didn't realize she had but dialed me and a whole gossip conversation about me was going on.

I saved it and still have it. They text my sons separately from me regarding trips or things, you know, to go to and attend. It's not aggressive, like nobody's ever aggressive because nobody ever wants to actually have a real conversation. They just want to carry on with life as normal, even though everybody's an alcoholic. My sister and brother-in-law live directly right beside me. And when my son has gone over there before, there are bits and pieces of weed everywhere. He has pictures of it on his phone. This has been the situation for years. And like I said, we have talked about all this and nothing changes. And now it's gotten to this weird silence where I just don't want to live like this anymore and

I'm not going to just pretend and play along. I've quit drinking. I don't, you know, participate in certain things like that. And there is a huge spiritual component to that where we've all been Christians. It's just I've chosen to, at this point in my life, just not tolerate junk anymore. So I don't know how to move forward. I don't know what to do. And I feel like I'm dying. Your fatigue with this is honestly relatable, understandable, all the above, right?

So this is a caller that's saying I have woken up to the dysfunction. my family and I cannot unsee it. I cannot unsee the alcoholism, the gossiping, the going behind each other's backs. I cannot unsee the way that these people are acting. And not only that, I have outgrown them. I'm no longer participating in the things that they like to do. I find them uncomfortable. I don't, it sounds like maybe don't like my child being exposed to it. Like, this awakening is so normal. In fact, I would say this is what most people are experiencing when they find this podcast and when they join the Family Cycle Breakers Cloud that calling home is like this feeling of,

whoa, is this really how everything has been for my whole life? Like, I can't get comfortable here because this is not me. This is not how I want to live my life. And when you have that awakening, it is both empowering and terrifying and suffocating all at the same time because it is scary to realize that you have outgrown people that you love and care about. It is scary to realize that like it's so deeply uncomfortable for you to be in these relationships now and that if you want to stay with the way things are, you have to learn to shut that part of you down. And that takes a lot of effort to figure out how to say, I am going to not,

you know, have my body and my mind yelling back at me like this that I need to get out of here and not be exposed to these types of relationships. And I think some people try a long time to do that and they ultimately end up feeling sick and not sleeping well. And they shut down in other ways, Right. And so you can take that approach. And maybe this caller has tried that and is now at the point where she's picking up the phone and calling me and being like, I cannot do this anymore because I am going to go crazy. I mean, I think the words that she was like, I feel like I'm dying. And that's, it's so accurate. I feel like we really underestimate and dismiss the absolute toll physically and emotionally that these types of dynamics have on us once we really underestimate and dismiss the absolute toll physically and emotionally that these types of dynamics have on us. once we realize what is going on and that we don't want to be in it anymore. And for anyone that has had this awakening, it all of a sudden is like, you're sitting in a room and watching people do these things that they've been doing for a long time, but you're sitting there like, it's so obvious. It's so loud. It's like the noise gets really, really loud. And it's so hard

to ignore it, especially when people are totally unaware. They want you to be like them. they don't think they have a problem and they are, you know, trying to like push you away or make you be like them or they're treating you like you're weird because you don't want to be like them or because you think that there's something wrong with their behavior. And so I want to say to anybody that feels like this caller and to even this caller, you know, it sounds like you're trying to, you know, convince me or yourself that like what they're doing is bad enough. And I don't think you have to do that.

I think it sounds like you're aware of what's going on and you're aware that you don't want to live your life like that. You know, you don't want to participate in the gossip and the deceit and the dishonesty. You have stopped drinking. Like, it sounds like it's just, it's just incompatible. And I think there is a lot to be said to just like surrendering to that reality. These people are different from me. They like to live differently than me.

They might be my family, but we are not the same. We are very different. When I'm around them, I feel a certain way that I don't like. And that is very sad. And accepting this reality doesn't necessarily mean that you don't see them anymore or that you have to be estranged. It's more of just this inner feeling of like, it's okay for me to be different from them. And what they choose to do with their lives and with their bodies is their decision up until the point that it impacts me. And so I can choose not to put myself in situations or environments where I am going to be harmed by them, where I am going to have to like dissociate from my intuition to such a degree that it makes me feel like I want to not be

alive, you know, that it makes me feel like my body is eating itself from the inside out. Like, you know that level of discomfort if you've experienced it. But I'm also hearing that in this family, just based on what I know, there is a deep, deep lack of awareness, right? And to be the aware person in a sea of deeply unaware people is so painful. And to kind of sit there and be like, wow, these people don't see it at all. Like, they do not get me. They do not get what they're doing themselves.

It is so uncomfortable. And so I think you have to decide, like, how do I want to live my life? What do I want to do from here? How do I want to spend my days on this planet? And do I need to detach with love from these people? I recorded a YouTube video about that the other day that you can find on my YouTube channel that's at Whitney Goodman, LMFT. but really thinking about like, I don't have to hate them.

I don't have to wish them ill. I don't have to try to change them. Sometimes that's what we're holding on to is that we want to fix these people. We want them to change. We want to make them better. We want them to see the light that we've seen. And you might spend your whole life trying to do that. And what I would say is that the best way to show someone that is just to lead by example.

It's just to live your life and show someone how their life. could be, you know, and live your life and make it look nice and happy and interesting. And that's way more inspiring than any lecture you could possibly give to them. And you need to consider the impact that this is having on you. You need to really listen to the words that you're using when you describe how you feel when you spend time with these people and ask yourself, would I extend this level of myself? Would I give this much to anybody else in the world?

Would I allow any other relationship to impact me negatively to this degree? And the answer to that is usually no. I mean, how much is this taking from you? How much are you giving up? I mentioned in an email that I sent out on Monday this week that I saw this video of Dr. Romney, who I've had on the podcast before, she's a narcissism expert. And she talks about how we give 90% of our energy to the most toxic dysfunctional relationships in our life, right?

And then we leave the other 10% for the people who don't ask a lot of us, for the people who don't need as much. And I think that that is so true for our dysfunctional families is that sometimes we are micromanaging and trying to keep all these people like calm and good and happy that you stop taking care of your partner that doesn't ask a lot of you. You stop doing things for your kids because maybe they've learned that when you're stressed not to ask too much of you, you stop giving a lot at work because your family needs you. And I find that people who are in these types of families where the dysfunction is so big that it is making you feel this alone and confused and

isolated that you are probably eating up all of your energy on this and not having an enough to give to the other places that mean something to you. So what would it be like to even dial back what you're giving to these relationships? 5%, 10%, 15%. You don't have to say, like, screw them, I want nothing to do with them. You don't have to start there. Maybe that's not where you want to go. Maybe you'll end up getting to that point in the end where you say estrangement is the only the option. But can we start with just the surrender piece? They are not mine to fix. I am not in control of them. And I do not have to be in the center of their storm and impacted by all these decisions that they're making. And I can save myself and my family and my child. And I can do that

happily and without guilt. And I can grieve the fact that this is how my family is. I don't want it to be this way, sucks. But I can make my life be different. And sometimes that is the breaking of the cycle, just deciding that I can be different than my family. I have that option. I can take space from this. That's cycle breaking in itself. Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate your question. And let's get to the next caller. Hi, Whitney. I'm calling with a question for you around my in-laws. I'll try and keep this super concise because obviously these situations are always very complex and nuanced, but one particular aspect of it. My husband and I have had a pretty complicated relationship with his mom and his stepdad, who are kind of his closest parents to us for a long time now, basically since we got engaged about eight years ago. And the relationship has just kind of continued to deteriorate.

We had a child a couple years ago. We're expecting another one now that obviously added a lot of complexity to the situation. And about 10 months ago, my husband set some really firm boundaries and really expressed the things in their relationships that were bothering him. And of course, he's been, you know, really wanting to see some repair and that hasn't happened. And based on, you know, lots of podcasts listening and books and things, I'm pretty confident in saying that his mom is extremely emotionally immature, which is kind of, I think, why we haven't just had a very quick resolution to some of these issues. and those boundaries have had to be set pretty, pretty firmly. The question I had, though, was because when I listened to a lot of things about emotional immaturity, she fits into so many of the categories within our family,

but then when I look at her in the outside world, it's like a totally different person. So an example I can give you is, you know, people in our community or people that know them would probably say that, oh, you know, they're the type of people that would just give you the shirt off their back. They're the nicest people. They're so giving. They're so, you know, they're like very well-liked and they have lots of friends and all these things.

And that's not our experience with them within the family structure. You know, we moved into a house a few years ago and they never came over to help, whereas, you know, my parents were here painting and helping and whatever and we didn't even have to ask. and that comes up a lot where they feel lighted that they don't get to come and help us, but they never show up to help when there's a need to. So I was just wondering, like, what your thoughts are on that or maybe how to navigate that, because sometimes I feel very confused as to whether myself and my husband or even assessing the situation correctly, because there is this part of them that I look at,

And I'm like, wow, like, you do seem like very good people. Like, is it just us? But then when we're all together in the context of a family event or spending time together, it's such a different vibe. And, yeah, I just was thinking about that the other day listening to one of your episodes. And I was just hoping to maybe get your thoughts on it. Thank you so much. Oh, hi, buddy. Who's the best?

You are. I wish I could spend all day with you and stay. Dad? Dave, you're Huff mute. Hey, happens to the best of us. Enjoy some goldfish cheddar crackers. Goldfish have short memories. Be like goldfish.

Thanks for calling in and thanks for that wonderful question. I want to get right out the gate and say that for this caller, anyone that has experienced this, this is a thing. And it is one of the most confusing experiences to have someone, in your life, especially a parent or a close family member, that shows up very emotionally immature, narcissistic, even abusive with you and is a completely different person out in their day-to-day life. They might be beloved, kind, respected, all that stuff. And this is absolutely a phenomenon that exists in a couple of different types of scenarios. Certainly can happen with

emotionally immature people with people who have narcissistic personality disorder and other types of personality disorders, it can absolutely be impossible to like wrap your mind around what's going on here. So this is something that I talked about some in my episode with Lindsay C. Gibson about emotionally immature people, emotionally immature parents, I should say. So definitely go back and listen to that episode if you want more info on this. But I'm going to tell you, a couple of options about what could be happening here. When you have a parent who behaves one way in public and a different way in private, a lot of times what is happening is that they're only able to keep up like the mask for so long,

right? And oftentimes they are that way in relationships that are not incredibly threatening or vulnerable. Typically it happens in places where they have power. So you will often hear, you know, maybe about a parent who is highly successful, who is beloved in the community because they are a politician or a pastor or a rabbi or, you know, someone who has been able to get a lot of power and social status in some way. That could be through money, their career, their position, their family, whatever it is. And so when they are in these environments, there's not as much risk to them emotionally. They're not as vulnerable at their core because they have a position of power in those situations.

And that's when you're going to see these people often be able to perform in a certain way. They're also getting something out of that performance. It's likely getting them more power, more adoration, more accolades, and that feels good. Now, this is discussed in the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Amateur Parents, that often these parents, when they go home, the veil falls. One, because they feel safer to do that because they often feel that their children cannot leave them, cannot do anything to them. They, again, have much more power over their children, and even more so if they have a lot of financial resources, community connections, and power. in their position in the world and their social status, so they'll let that fall even more. It's also the people who trigger their vulnerability the most that tend to get that bad

version of them because they become triggered in those moments by their child asking for more from them, their child wanting to emotionally connect, their child's, you know, kind of seeing who they really are. All of these things can push a person who is like that to react in a more emotionally immature, narcissistic, difficult, concerning, or abusive way, right? Just to use a bunch of the different descriptors here. Because they do not know how to handle feeling vulnerable or triggered or overwhelmed by that desire for closeness with their child or with another person in their family. So it's often the family and the children and the spouse who get to interact with the absolute worst version of this person. And in some ways, all of us show that version of

ourselves to our closest loved ones, right? Because we feel the safest with them. But that's that's not necessarily what's going on here. It's not the safety that's causing this. It's more of the vulnerability and the perceived lack of consequence of treating people this way. You're also going to see with these people a huge juxtaposition between how they act in public and how they act at home. And you'll see this with people, you know, we hear stories all the time about people who were the most cruel and abusive to the point where there's like a documentary being made about them. How many of these have you guys seen where that person is beloved in the community and everyone

likes them and they were so successful at their job. And at home, they were treating their family literally like the gum on the bottom of their show. So it happens. And this is why I get so fired up. Like this is the quickest way to upset me. is when people say, but they were so nice to me. They were such a good person.

I love, but they were so good to their kids when a child or an adult speaks out about having been hurt or abused by their parents. Because at the end of the day, we don't know what's going on in people's homes. And the people who are the most harmful are often the best performers in certain situations, right? and they can go completely undetected as they move throughout their life, often until they make a decision that ultimately gets them caught and the mask falls off. So to this caller and to anyone that has felt like this, I want you to know that I have met hundreds of people who have felt this way about their family members who say, they treat me so bad, and then we can go out to dinner with some coworkers or their

boss and they are putting on a show. They are the best person. Everyone loves them. We walk around. People are high-fiving them, giving them hugs. And it is nauseating to witness that as a victim to feel like you have no idea how I'm being treated and you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you. And that can keep victims silent and keep them in situations where they continue to be victimized because they feel like no one would believe them. Because this person person is so highly respected and they've achieved, you know, so much in their life. And we see this a lot with people who get away with things. You know, it happens all the time. And so you have to learn to trust your perception of the version of the person that you are getting. Because just because someone is

abusive to one person, and I'm not saying that this caller is, you know, it's definitely an abuse situation, I don't have enough information, but we can say just because someone is emotionally immature with one person, just because someone is mean to one person or abusive, doesn't mean that they're like that with everybody else in their life. We all get different versions of people when we interact with them. You know, of course, you all get a different version of me here on this podcast than my spouse gets of me. Maybe if we go out to dinner or the version of me that I am with my children, but those versions of a, quote, unquote, like, normal or emotionally mature person are all going to be kind of a little bit similar. You're not going to be, like, totally

shocked when you see that person with their children versus how they are at work. It will be conceivable. What you will notice, if you're an adult child of abusive or emotionally immature or narcissistic parents, is that you are like dumbfounded. by the gap between how they are with you and how they are with other people in certain situations. And you might even wonder, like, would people even believe me if I told them that this is how my parent is? Like, they would probably be shocked because that's how good the performances.

And people slip up, you know, and some people who are like savvy or attuned or who have experience this, we'll notice it in those people when they're out. And you will know people who maybe will say, oh, I saw some behavior that I could see that. You know, I'm, I'm kind of like that sometimes with people that my husband will be like, oh my gosh, I'm shocked. And I'm like, I kind of felt it a little bit just because of my job. But there are also people, you know, I'll never forget when I listen to the podcast. I watched the documentary about Larry Nasser, the U.S. gymnastics coach. I mean, what that man was doing was absolutely. absolutely horrific and horrible and, like, just inconceivable what he pulled off in plain sight.

And there were still so many moms on tape, on these podcasts, being like, he was always so nice. He never could have done this. And you're always going to find people like that because they're only considering their perspective and what they know. And it sounds like this caller isn't doing that. You have a very holistic perspective of this person. and it's okay to say, you treat me bad. I don't like the way you treat us. Just because you treat Jim good doesn't mean that you don't treat me poorly.

And so I'm going to make decisions off of how you treat me for our relationship, not how you treat other people. And that can be very just like unburdening for you to realize that. Like, you get to make decisions about the relationships in your life based on how the person, is interacting with you and what they are doing with you. And if they're always treating you poorly, like, that's all the evidence that you need right there. I love these caller questions. Thank you again so much for calling in. And please remember that you can always call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5-4-66. I am accepting new voicemail. So please go ahead and give me a call and maybe I will answer your call next week. I hope to see some of you in a group this month. I always enjoy getting to connect with you. And we do talk about the podcast episodes in groups all the time. So if you're ever looking to go a little bit deeper, hear other people's people's perspective, ask more questions. We are here for you at calling home. You can join the family cycle breakers club at www.callinghome.com. And I will put that in the show notes as well. I look forward to seeing.

you all next week for another episode on Tuesday. Please subscribe, like the podcast, leave us a review. We are so grateful when you do that. That's what keeps the podcast going. Thanks, everyone. Have a great day. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail, and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday, and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family

relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level. We do have the Calling Home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets and more. And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks, and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode.

The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.