CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: I Answer Your Mother's Day Questions

Episode Date: May 8, 2025

Mother's Day is this weekend, and I know that is hard for many of you. In this episode, I discuss who should be "celebrated" on Mother's Day and answer several of your questions about how to grieve and estrangement. Here are those resources I mentioned in the episode: Mother-Daughter Relationship worksheets, videos, scripts, and articles The Adult Daughters with Difficult Mothers Group  Q&A: My Mom Didn't Protect Me From My Dad Q&A: My Mom Snuck Alcohol Around My Child Q&A: Mother's Day Mother-Daughter Relationships: Why Mothers Criticize Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hello and welcome back to the calling on podcast. I am your host, Whitney Goodman. Today I'm going to be doing a special Mother's Day Q&A episode. I know that Mother's Day is coming

up this weekend on Sunday. And for some of you, this is a really difficult and challenging day. I want to remind you that we have a ton of resources at Calling Home inside the family. cycle breakers club for people that struggle with their mother-daughter relationships. We also have several episodes of this podcast that can help you out. And we have a group twice a month for adult daughters with difficult mothers. That group typically meets on Tuesdays at 7 p.m. Eastern time. And we also have our adult children, emotionally immature parents group and our strange adult child groups inside the family cycle breakers club where we have a lot of adults that are with their relationships with their mothers. And so if you are looking for some community or resources,

we have plenty of resources that are in the membership community, as well as free resources on this podcast. And I am going to link all of those in the show notes for you today. So be sure to check those out if you need any extra help ahead of the Mother's Day holiday. So before I dive into those questions, the first thing that I want to talk about is who gets to be celebrated on Day. I remember that there was a huge debate about this, especially on TikTok last year around this time. And there were a lot of older mothers, I think typically age like 55 and up, who seemed to be kind of budding heads with maybe the millennial generation or young Gen Z mothers who felt like mothers who are in the trenches of motherhood, aka raising young children, are the ones

that should really be prioritized and celebrated on Mother's Day. And I want to know what you think about this. So leave a comment. Let me know, like, do you think one should be prioritized over the other? What do you think this debate is really about? Have you had this issue show up in your family. But if you're getting ready for the Mother's Day holiday and you are feeling like, oh my gosh, I am under so much pressure to celebrate my own mother or my mother-in-law and she wants us to get the kids in the car and drive them like three or four hours and sit down at a restaurant with my young children who are just going to be like feral at the restaurant. I'm feeling so overwhelmed by this and like I don't get to enjoy my day.

I want to talk about this with that person in mind. So I believe that in families where Mother's Day is like overinflated and there's a lot of pressure on it, that those mothers and daughters or mother-in-laws and their children may not have the strongest relationships every other day of the year. And so there's a lot of pressure on that day to show up in this specific way and like really make that mother feel seen and valued. And it's kind of like performative, right? And so if you do not feel super close to your mother or your mother-in-law every other day of the year or they don't feel appreciated, they might really put so much stock into this day to be a reflection that you actually do have a

good relationship and see everything is great. And I think in dysfunctional families, holidays are treated with so much more importance and there's so much more pressure on them because that is like the one day a year where you are acting like a quote unquote normal family and you're there to perform what isn't really present all the other days of the year, right? And so if your family seems dysfunctional, 365 days out of the year, that one Mother's Day or Christmas or whatever is your family's one chance maybe that year to perform that everything is good and great. And that can feel like a lot of pressure. I also brought this up last year, but I think a lot of what happens on Mother's Day is that a lot of women do not feel supported and loved by their

partners. Typically, when we're looking at the boomer generation, some Gen X, mostly older people who are in marriages where the partner was very removed, typically the male partner, not super present with the kids, was maybe working and was not emotionally involved in the relationship. relationship with their spouse or even the relationship with their children. These holidays can feel like a lot higher stakes and the mother is looking for maybe some of that emotional caretaking from their children. And a lot of times I think this is why you see typically mothers in law who have sons getting very, very upset when their daughters in law, are the ones that are being prioritized on that day.

And I think often this is because there is a great deal of emmeshment and maybe emotional incest between the son and his mother. And when the son kind of pulls out of that dynamic and starts prioritizing the mother of his own children, the mom gets left out alone. And when her partner isn't there to like pick up. up the pieces and say, I'm going to celebrate you as the mother of our children and I want to make you feel appreciated and seen as someone that took on that job, you know, for life and is still being a mother to our children, that mother can typically feel very left out and isolated and unseen.

And I think that this happens even more with women who that motherhood identity was their entire identity. And now that their child has left the home and started their own family and maybe has a partner and children of their own, they don't have another identity to cling to. So if they do not have hobbies, friends, a supportive partner, a job, something outside of that title of mother, they can feel very, very abandoned and isolated on holidays like this where they are not given recognition for that very large piece of their identity. So if you have a mother or a mother-in-law that really struggles with Mother's Day, wants to be the center of attention, wants to be prioritized, and does not seem to care about or focus on anyone else on that day and in fact

maybe even makes things quite difficult for everyone else, I want you to think about some of the reasons that could be contributing to that because sometimes that can help you separate this from being a you thing like you being selfish or evil or unkind to your mother or your mother-in-law and instead think about, okay, does this person have a supportive partner? Do they have an identity outside of being mother? Are they potentially enmeshed or deeply emotionally intertwined with their child? And so it's hard for them to see their child self. celebrating anybody else. And sometimes thinking about that while also reflecting on, you know, am I being kind and accommodating and as conscientious as I can while also maybe thinking about

how I would like to spend the day and having some compromise, it can help step back on maybe some of the ways that you are being labeled or perceived on Mother's Day. Now, when it comes to like who gets to be celebrated and who is most important on that day. I don't particularly have an opinion either way because I think that it is a case-by-case basis dependent on the family and their situation. And I've noticed that when people talk about this and they say, mothers in the trenches should be prioritized, some people get very triggered by that. Even mothers of young children, and I've seen comments like, oh my gosh, well, my mom has cancer and I don't know how many mother's day I'm going to have left with her. And so I want to prioritize her. Like, yeah,

duh, absolutely. Like there is no one size fits all rule here. It's about considering the context of your family. What is everyone's position right now? What can everyone handle? If you have a mother who is bedbound and cannot leave the house and you have a good relationship with her and you want to prioritize her by taking your young children over to her house and honoring her and spending Mother's Day with her, that's wonderful. You should do that. There is nothing that says, like, no, you should just like abandon all of that and do what's right, only right for you. Now, if you have a mother or a mother-in-law, who is able-bodied, healthy, retired, doesn't have a job, has the ability to sleep in, doesn't really have much going on outside of, like, taking care of herself.

And she says, hey, Jane, mother of three children under the age of four, I want you to get up, get all three of your children dressed, come to the brunch reservation that I made at the restaurant that you don't like that's 10 minutes from my house but two hours from your house and I want you to come and I want the children to behave and I expect you to have a gift and I don't want to lift a finger at this brunch and I want to get a picture and I want to put it on Facebook and I'm not even going to say happy Mother's Day to you. I get why young mothers are annoyed by that and why they don't want to do it. If you are an adult daughter who is estranged from your mother every other day of the year, I understand why you don't want to spend

Mother's Day if you have children especially with your mother. And for a lot of people, Mother's Day can be a day of really intense grief and longing for the relationship with your mother that you wanted to have, that you believe that you should have, but that hasn't been accessible for you. And I do think that some of these holidays, particularly like Mother's Day, Father's Day, et cetera, they are very triggering because they're kind of like Facebook holidays, right? They're very performative in the sense that a lot of people take these days to, you know, either perform that their family is great or they have really cohesive, beautiful, loving families, and they're posting about it. And that is the day that you know that you are going to get,

like bombarded. And so I'm going to jump into some of these questions. And I think there are a few questions that I'm going to be answering about like how to protect yourself on that day and what to do. But I wanted to tackle, you know, some of those common debates and issues that come up first. So let's go ahead and jump into some of those questions. I asked my Instagram followers at Sit With Wit if you don't follow me on Instagram. What are some questions that they have about Mother's Day, some difficulties that they're having with the day. And I'm going to answer a few of those questions. All right. First question is, it's my first Mother's Day estranged from my mom. How to temper the overwhelming guilt. Okay. The first thing I want to say is that guilt

your first day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, whatever it is, strange from that parent is normal and common. Mostly because I think it is coming from this exterior process. that you are supposed to be with your parent on this day and that there's something wrong with you if you're not. And so I want you to think about where is that guilt coming from? Is it actually an external pressure that is being put on me or am I actually feeling guilt because of a decision that I made? And a nice way to check in on this is like, have I been feeling like this every other day

or is it only coming up today or this week because of Mother's Day? And because I'm seeing things about Mother's Day and being loving and close with your mother. And do I feel like otherwise I've made the right decision? But I'm only feeling some of this guilt because of external shame that is being put on me. And sometimes it can help you to sort of walk through what it would actually be like. Like, okay, if I made a decision based on this guilt to contact my mother, and spend the day with her. Let's play the tape all the way through. What would that look like? How would the day go? What would she be like? What would I feel like? What would the aftermath of that day

be like? How long would it take me to recover? What have our other mother's days been like? And you kind of have to do this like reality testing and check in with the actual reality of the day, not the guilt or the fantasy that sometimes can coexist with one another. And a lot of times that guilt is what sort of breeds into the fantasy, right? The next question is, my husband is estranged from his mother. How can I support him on Mother's Day? We don't have kids. Okay, this is a great question.

I love that you're thinking about this. I think some people want to be distracted. Some people want to lean in to the day. the feeling. And there's, of course, people to fall in the middle of that, right? And so my first thing would be to ask, you know, hey, I know Mother's Day is coming up and this might be a hard day for you. Is there anything I can do to help you? And even sometimes people get overwhelmed with that question. So even making some offers of like, I'm happy to plan a day for us where you're distracted. I'm happy to give you time by yourself if that's what you want. You know,

if you want to talk about your mom and how you're feeling, I want to do that for you, but really checking in with like what is most helpful to that person. Because I think there are some people that like they want to talk about it. They want to journal. They want to be in a support group, whatever it is. And there are people that they want to be distracted and out doing something else and they don't want to talk about it at all. And so getting a sense of what they would like. And if they can't name it, if they can't decide, it might be really. really helpful for you to come up with like a couple of ideas that fall into either camp. So on that day, you're prepared.

So maybe you could, you know, make a little day of stuff that you could do that's really easy to cancel if they don't want to do that. You know, maybe you could be prepped to be a little bit more open and understanding and have yourself be in a good place that if they're not in a good mood or they're having a hard day, that you're able to be really supportive for them. You could even, if you know that your partner is someone that kind of like turns inward when they're struggling, like try to be a little bit more hands off and say like, I'm here for you when you're ready.

I know that sometimes you need space when you're having a hard time. And so I want to like give you that and just know that I'm only doing that because I think that's what you want. If you don't want space, totally let me know. And like just being really open and flexible on that day for whatever kind of gets thrown at you. Sometimes people don't know how they're going to feel until they're in it or they don't know what they want until they get into that mode. And so just being like knowing that that is a day where you might have to offer support in ways that aren't always totally comfortable for you or that aren't always the ways that you think are the most supportive, but that are. supportive to your partner. Great question. All right, next question. How to grieve the mother

you wish you had. We get along now, but it feels like it's too late to talk to her about how she hurt me countless times over the years. I'm really glad to hear that you get along great now. I think that that is really helpful, and it's what a lot of people like long for and wish for, but sometimes that other stuff is still there, right? And it's hard to feel like you. you're not going to be able to heal that. This month inside the family cycle breakers club at Calling Home, we are talking about grieving complicated relationships. And this includes exactly what you're talking about.

So grieving someone who is still alive that maybe you can't have that type of relationship with. And I think part of that grief is accepting that you might get along with someone really well now, but that they don't have the emotional capacity or understanding. to really like talk about what happened in the past. And to me, this is where some people really have to get clear on what they are able to handle in their relationships. Can you have a relationship with her that feels good now without resolving the past, without getting an acknowledgement or an apology?

Because some people are never going to give you that. They might be able to change their behavior in the present. And I think that's enough for some people. And other times it's like, no, I need to know that you know that what you did was wrong. You can also decide to grieve that and to kind of release that and radically accept what is and who you're able to have a relationship with today, that version of your mother, without having that conversation with her. And I think that that's something that some people do

is where they sort of allow themselves to acknowledge that that person isn't coming. They're not going to be that person. And with that grief and that acknowledgement, I get to decide if I'm willing to maintain a relationship with the version of the person that I have in front of me. But if this is something that you're dealing with, I think joining the Family Cycle Breakers Club this month

and getting access to the articles, videos, scripts, and worksheets that we deliver to your inbox every Monday would be super helpful. And we also have groups to dive deeper into this content and the topic every Wednesday at 12 p.m. Eastern Time with me. And I will link to sign up for the Family Cycle Breakers Club in the show notes. Okay. Let's answer another question. Not on speaking terms with my mother-in-law, but not totally estranged. How do we acknowledge Mother's Day? So I guess my first question would be, if you're not on speaking terms with this person, what is driving you to acknowledge the holiday?

Is it obligation? Is it feeling like I would like to acknowledge her even though we're not speaking right now? Is it feeling like that's something you have to do or you're worried about the fallout? You personally just want to be the type of person that acknowledges. her on Mother's Day, that's part of your value system. You know, because she did raise your partner, you think that that's something important to do. But I think it's really essential to tap into your values and why you want to do something before you make that decision so that you figure out where it's coming from and make sure that it's coming from a place that you want to

act on, that you want that feeling and that value to drive your behavior. And then I think it's all about what can the relationship tolerate. Does a card make sense, a phone call, a FaceTime, a text? Does it make sense not to contact them at all? Because it's going to open up the floodgates. I think it depends on the reasons for not being on speaking terms. I also don't know if your spouse is speaking. to his mother. It sounds like probably not. So that's also something I think that maybe the two of

you need to decide on together. And what is her reaction going to be? Do you feel like you can handle that? Sometimes when you think the reaction is going to be big or abusive or hurtful, you want to do something more like a text or a card or something in the mail or not acknowledge it at all. But I think it's important to figure out what is the motivating factor and then what feels like the best way to act on that motivation. All right. Next question. My family thinks it's normal that I would come to Mother's Day when I haven't spoken to them. So I started off the episode by talking about how dysfunctional families can do this, right? This makes a lot of sense. I think that even families where there has been estrangement for an entire year, sometimes on a holiday, they might be like, oh, we should

all get together. And you have to remember that oftentimes that is being driven by a desire to feel normal, to not acknowledge how things have been going, and to pretend that the dysfunction doesn't exist. And if we can be together on Mother's Day, then we can act like everything is okay. And we don't have to feel the pain or the discomfort of things not being okay. And so I think this is where you ultimately have to make a decision of like, do I want to help maintain a maybe a facade or this false narrative that everything is okay in my family on this day? What toll is that going to take on me? And is that actually going to help us at all as a family to pretend that everything is fine when it isn't? But when you're asking about your family

expecting that, I think that this is very common and normal in dysfunctional families. And we see this a lot where when a holiday or a milestone comes up, even if there's been estrangement in the family, the family wants to pretend as if nothing is going on. All right. So let's do one more question to wrap up. How can you really tell if their apology is a true apology when you are estranged and have no contact? Well, I think a true apology is always backed up by changed behavior. And that doesn't mean that the behavior, is perfect and there's never any mistakes, but that there are attempts to make things better. There's recognition when you fall short and there is a consistent feeling of like this person

is trying to do something better and improve this situation. Now, if you're still estranged and have no contact and the person has apologized, I think you have to decide at what point, if ever, am I? going to re-engage with this person to see where they're at and how far they've come and what the status of our relationship is? And I think there are some people that I've spoken to that like that point is never going to come for them. The relationship is over and it doesn't matter how much their mother changes. They're not going to re-ignite that relationship because of how much damage was done. And there's others that will say, you know, I'm trying to get to a place where I feel

like I can handle and manage any of the downside of making contact, you know, with this person and seeing if their apology is truly genuine. Thank you all so much for listening to this Mother's Day Q&A episode. I hope that this is helpful as we move in to Mother's Day. And I want you to remember that you can spend this day however you need to. it can be a day that you celebrate, it can be a day that's just another day, it can be a day that you grieve and mourn and that is upsetting. It can be a day that you spend alone with your mother, with your mother-in-law, only with your family that you have built, you know, with your own

children or with your partner, or a day that you spend alone. And I want you to try to disconnect from what you have been told or what you feel like this day should be and instead make it the day that fits your family best. As always, we have more support for you inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. You can always access our groups and resources at callinghome.co. And remember that I am linking a bunch of those Mother's Day resources for you in the show notes if you would like to take any of this work a step further or if you need more support. Thank you all so much for listening. Please don't forget to like, subscribe, leave us a review. That helps keep this podcast growing. Thank you so much and I will see you next week.

Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866 225-5-466 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the calling home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch

videos, take courses, get access to worksheets and more. And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks, and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home terms of service linked in the show notes below.