CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: I Don't Want To Invite My Family To My Wedding

Episode Date: February 20, 2025

Whitney discusses her three little epiphanies for the week: therapy lingo continues to be a force for good on reality TV parents are cutting off their adult children Should parents get to control your life if they give you money? She also answers two caller questions. Caller 1 is planning a wedding and doesn't want to invite all of her family members. Caller 2 is trying to find a way to navigate one of the most challenging issues you can face within a family - child grooming and potential child s*xual abuse. *Please keep in mind this episode discussed themes of child ab*se in caller 2.* 00:00 Introduction and Epiphanies 09:37 Navigating Wedding Guest Lists 18:42 Addressing Child Safety and Family Dynamics Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club: www.callinghome.co/join Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hello and welcome back to the calling on podcast. It's Thursday, which means we have a Q&A episode today. I have two caller questions that are really interesting. I do just want to put a warning out that the second caller question is going to discuss themes of child sexual abuse

and grooming in families, especially with young children. So if that is a topic that makes you uncomfortable or that you would not like to hear about, that is going to be discussed in voicemail number two. I'm first going to get through my three little epiphanies for the week. Talk about those. Do voicemail number one. So if you want to listen up until that point after voicemail one's discussion ends, totally safe to do that. You can stop now or stop at and go all the way through the episode. But just wanted to give you that warning because I know that can be a difficult topic for some of you. All right, let's go ahead and dive in. So it's Thursday. I just started this new segment where I have been discussing just three

things that I have noticed for the week. And these three little epiphanies, I dive deeper into them in my Monday email, which the email is called Little Epiphanies. So you can sign up for that in the show notes or at our website calling home.com if you want to hear more about these topics and dive a little bit deeper into them. The first thing this week is that I remain convinced that therapy speak continues to be more of a force of good than bad in popular culture lately. A couple of examples I will give you. I have talked about over the last two weeks, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, and now I've been watching Love is Blind.

And in all of these shows, the participants, the cast of the show, have been using therapy lingo in almost perfect ways. been using it to create compassion, understanding, to talk about really difficult themes like losing a parent to suicide, childhood trauma, et cetera. And I think that we have been discussing for the last year, like, oh my gosh, people are using the word narcissist too much, or they're doing this. And I am fully on board for us using words correctly and not overusing them and not over-pathologizing. But I am loving this trend of people being more understanding, considering the context, using nuance, not jumping on people at the first sign of bad behavior,

but stopping to pause and consider. And also the fact that we are bringing forward all of these really challenging topics that so many adults are dealing with from their childhood within their families. And we are putting them on the big screen and allowing people to be vulnerable and discuss them. And I think that that does wonders for people. that have been suffering silently or feeling like they are the only one. So so far, I have yet to feel like we are on a bad trajectory here, at least in the reality TV sector that I consume. And I hope to see more things trending in that direction and continue seeing us moving in a positive direction there. The second thing is that I think that adult children are being abandoned by

their parents in adulthood more often now or at the same frequency than we are seeing adults cutting off their parents. And I'm going to go deeper into this in my newsletter on Monday. But I have been hearing so many stories in our groups at Calling Home. I recently started an estranged adult child group. And in that group, it seems that the majority of the stories are adults who went to their parents and said, here's a problem in our relationship. Here's something I would like to solve. Here's an issue that I have. And then they got radio silence from the parent. The parent either acted like that conversation never happened. They stopped speaking to them or they just, they disappeared. Like there's no more contact. And the adult is very confused. I have heard that story many, many times over the last couple of weeks. And every time someone tells me a story like that, they're really like, am I the only one that's had this? Like I feel like, every other adult is out there telling their parent that they can't talk to them and their parent keeps bothering them and pursuing them and violating boundaries. And mine isn't even talking to me.

And I'm just shocked by how many people keep telling me these kinds of stories privately, you know, especially people who know what I do, that I will have interactions with people in my life that will share something along those lines. And I'm like, you won't believe how many times I've heard that this week and this month. And so it's just a pattern that observing, I'm taking note of, and I am working to learn more about. And if you are someone that has been experiencing that, you should definitely join our strange adult child group that meets at Mondays at 10 a.m. Eastern time because you will not be alone. And you can absolutely discuss this, you know, with other people like you and hopefully try to find some community and some

understanding about what's going on. Like I said, on Monday, I'm going to write a lot more about this and what I'm noticing in my email newsletter, Little Epiphany. So if you want to learn more about that or you're more interested in this, sign up for my email newsletter for sure. And the third thing is, one of my friends sent me this article in The New Yorker that was called, oh gosh, now I'm forgetting the name, but it was called People with Parents Money. And it was a profile on several adults who live in New York City that have money from their parents in some fashion. And I did a TikTok video on this that you can go watch as well, where I kind of break the article down. And I'm going to link the article in my email on Monday as well. But it's all

of these adults who get, you know, $200,000 a year or a free apartment or the parent paid for their IVF or a parent pays for their kids school. And it's these little profiles about how those decisions have impacted them. And it got me thinking, about this question of, should your parent get to control your life if they give you money? And I remember there was this Gary Vee clip going around that was very black and white that was like, if you take money from your parents, they get to have a say. And I am really torn on this one. There was some stories in this article about, you know, someone who's parents paid for their IVF and then wanted to be involved in literally every step of the process. Or if they

pay for your apartment, then they can tell you that your husband or fiance can't live there because they don't like them. And then they're going to pull the money that they give you because they don't like the partner that you chose. And it's fascinating. I have thoughts about this on the parents' perspective and the adult child's perspective that I think parents can use money as a way to continue wielding control that they used to have when the child was younger. And it's a great way to maintain that control in adulthood. I also think that giving your kids too much can sometimes stop them from believing in themselves, pursuing things, taking risks, and feeling independent. And sometimes parents are doing that unknowingly to their

adult child. Sometimes they're doing it on purpose, again, to maintain that type of control. I also think that there are certain decisions that if a parent decides to give you money or resources for that, you need to negotiate what level of control they are going to have if you are accepting that money or that gift. And I think a lot of, of this needs to be discussed in advance. And this comes up with things like planning weddings, buying your first house. Getting money from your parents is not always as glamorous as it sounds in a lot of these situations. And I don't think it's fair to say that if you accept a dollar from your parents, they get to have full rain over your life and all the control. But if you know

that that's what they're expecting and that's part of the agreement, you have to make an informed decision about accepting that money. So if you're interested in that video that I did, you can go to my TikTok at Whitney Goodman, LMFT, and see how I break down that article and some of the different profiles that were in it. I thought it was so interesting. All right, let's go ahead and dive in to those two callers. I'll tell you a little bit about them before we get into it. So caller number one is getting married in about a year and is in a, I believe she defined. it as a gay relationship. And she has some family that is supportive, some that isn't, some that she doesn't have contact with. And she's wanting a little bit more advice and feedback

on how to handle who is invited to the wedding. And then caller number two I mentioned is the caller where we are going to discuss grooming and child sexual abuse for children. And this is a little bit difficult of a situation. So let's go ahead. So let's go ahead. and play that first caller's voicemail. Hey, Whitney. I just have a question. I am getting married in about a year and a few months. It is to a woman, so I'm in a gay relationship. And some of my family members are super supportive. And a lot of my extended family members either are not supportive or we just don't have contact with them. However, I know that my parents are not going to be super happy

that I don't want to invite any of their siblings or their parents to my wedding. But me and my partner decided that we want to have a wedding that is full of only people who support and love us. I know that I need to have this conversation with my parents before we send out the invite. And I just want your opinion on how I can navigate this conversation and maybe some ways that I might best be able to explain this to them as they are emotionally not as mature as I am and may not understand where I'm coming from. I appreciate your help, and I love listening to your show.

Bye-bye. Okay. This is one of those situations where I don't think that there is a definitive right or wrong way to answer this. And I think that everyone is entitled to their feelings in this situation. And this is also going to depend a lot on how your family perceives, weddings and parties and celebrations and how that is viewed within your culture and your community. And so my husband and I have had conversations about this before, that I think that I was raised in a family and in a culture where weddings are not necessarily about just the

couple. They are about the family. And your guests are more important than you in a lot of ways. That's how I was raised with celebrations, right? That it's about entertaining the other people, doing for them, creating an experience, and including literally as many people as is conceivable. And that's the approach that I always thought was like how you handle a wedding, a birthday, any type of life event. And not everybody is like that. And I think that is especially true if you are in a marriage where you feel like everyone isn't going to be there to support you or to be happy for you. And if there are people who do not want to share in that joy, it is perfectly understandable why you would not want those people there. I mean,

I wouldn't want those people there. I get that. And there is also this belief that some people hold of like, well, my wedding is also about my parents and it is also about my extended family. And so maybe I need to also consider what would feel good for them. And so there are some of you that are going to listen to this and say, it is only about the couple. This caller should not have anyone at her wedding that is in 100% in support of her and there for her. And that means that no one else should be invited, right? And then there are those of you that are going to say, whoa, whoa, This is not about this couple. If those people can be there and be outwardly supportive and not be cruel or abusive or rude, then they should be there because it is about the entire family.

I want you to really ask yourself, and I think anyone that's getting married can do this, what do we want this day to be about? What is the focus? What is at the heart of this day for us? Is it about our love being celebrated and being surrounded by people that we know support our union and our marriage? If that is what is the most important, which it sounds like it is for this caller, then I need to find a way to communicate that to my family members and to my parents. And this kind of brings me back to that third little epiphany that I was talking about about parents paying for things is where I would then want to ask, who is paying for the wedding? and if your parents are contributing, does that mean that they think that they get a say in how things are handled or who is invited? I've even heard situations where the couple says, we only want to have 100 people. That's what our budget allows. And the parents say, well,

we want 300 people. So we're going to pay for the other 200. And you have to think about how you are going to discuss and kind of come up against some of these beliefs and ways that another generation wants to handle how your wedding is. And then you have to get comfortable with disappointing people. And that's where it's very important to feel aligned with your partner and to feel confident in yourself that this is how I want my wedding day to be. This is very important to me. These are my values on this day. And so that means that not everyone is going to like that. And they're going to feel disappointed. And I'm going to be okay with that. I'm going to be able to say, my parents are not happy with the way that I am choosing to celebrate my wedding

day. It's okay. I can let them be upset. It is not their wedding day. It's okay for them to be disappointed. This is the way that I want to handle my wedding day. With the caveat that it is okay for them to be disappointed and to manage their disappointment on their own. It is, of course, not okay for them to be disappointed and to be abusive towards you or to purposefully try to hijack or ruin your experience on your wedding day, right? So we have to separate those two things and you can have radical acceptance about their level of upset and you can also set boundaries around how they choose to display that upset. That being said, this is much easier said than done, right? But I would plan a conversation with your parents and you know your parents best and what

they can handle. And I would get very clear on this is what I want to communicate. What are the like three to five things that I want to make sure I get across? Who's being invited? Who's not being invited? Why I'm doing this, etc. I want to make sure that that is very clear. And I want to say it as direct as possible. The other thing I think that is okay for you to do and that is kind and compassionate is to say, I know that this probably isn't what you expect it. I understand why you're upset that so-and-so isn't being invited to the wedding. I understand if you thought this was going to go differently. I can see why you're upset. You can verbalize to your parent that you empathize with the fact that they likely have created some type of

image in their mind about what their child's wedding day is going to look like and it's not going according to plan. And while you would hope and pray that they would handle those feelings on their own, they're also going to have those feelings. And they're allowed to have those feelings that they need to figure them out with their friends and family and partner and not with their child who is getting married. That being said, some people do not have the emotional maturity to do that, and you might get some big reactions from them. And this is where you need to, when you get to this stage, have already established within

yourself the confidence that you are doing the right thing for you. This is what makes the most sense, and this is what you want, because you don't want to get into this situation and then start backpedaling and making promises and going back on certain things because then everything is just going to get crazy. So again, to recap, I think it's good to show up with compassion, understanding, and validation, even if you think that their feelings are not justified, whatever it is, they have their feelings about this, and it's a big life event for them too. You can have boundaries around how they display that upset in their behavior, and you need to clearly communicate exactly what is going to

happen from here on your wedding day and leading up to the wedding day. They are allowed to ask questions in a kind, compassionate, and understanding way. It is, of course, okay if they ask you, well, why is that person not invited? And you can say, we do not feel supported by them. We do not wish to have X, Y, and Z family, and we're at our wedding for this reason. And then you can end it. If they try to push back on why they actually do support you, why you're wrong, that is a place where you can say, we've made our decision, and this is what we are going to do. But this ultimately comes down to you deciding what is the utmost value on your wedding day? How do you want that day to feel? Who do you want to be around you? And what do you

want to make sure that you don't have to worry about on that day or be concerned about or anxious about? And I think that you are allowed to do all of those things. There are no rules that you have to celebrate this day exactly like your parents did or they expect you to. And it is conceivable. that people are going to need a minute to adjust to that, especially if you are changing a big family norm. Thank you so much for calling in. I hope that that was helpful for any of you that are navigating upcoming weddings or family events. And now let's go ahead and get to that second caller. Hi, Whitney. I wanted to call in and just ask a question regarding relationships with my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law. We very recently discovered that my father-in-law was starting to demonstrate some

pretty obvious grooming behaviors toward my eight-year-old daughter. This would have begun about a year and a half ago, and when we realized more so what was going on and no longer attributed it to his personality or his decreased social skills, we were able to really pinpoint that this This was patterned, this was intentional, and it had an ulterior motive in the end of things. Thankfully, we were able to intervene once we recognized what was truly going on, and we've been no contact for the better part of six months. I did it up to my sister-in-law. She is the biological daughter of my father-in-law.

She has two girls herself, and I just wanted to be transparent and let her know all that was witnessed, all that was reported by my daughter, and let her know because of my nieces. She took her time to kind of think it over. She worked through it with her own therapist, and ultimately she decided and her husband decided that it was not concerning enough or concrete enough to definitively say that it was grooming behavior, and they proceeded with things as normal with my in-laws, with her parents. My question being, do you feel there is more I should do to advocate for my nieces? Do you feel that I am safe to maintain a relationship with my sister-in-law and my nieces and my

brother-in-law? And do you feel that there are any suggestions, I guess, of how to navigate, you know, getting my nieces together with my three children? They're young. They're five to. And so they're going to be talking about going on adventures and camping and sleepovers with my in-laws. And it's going to just highlight for my own children and probably be a realization to them that they haven't seen them in so long. And so I'm sorry, that was multi-part. But if you could offer any advice or any insight, I would really appreciate it. Thank you. Bye-bye. Okay. So this is a really difficult situation. And I I want to make sure that I start this with the caveat that safety is the utmost priority in this

situation and I think safety of the children is the biggest priority. I don't want you to take anything that I'm saying here as prescriptive or set in stone because this is a very deeply nuanced and difficult situation and I do not know all the details of what is going on here. And if you are a survivor of this type of abuse, this is going to feel very scary to hear about. And you might also feel like there is only one option here of how to handle this. And I think that for a lot of you, you might be right. But I also want to preface this with that each family is unique in this situation. And everybody is typically making the best choice they can with the information that they have.

Now, I want to also say that I believe this caller and I believe that you are making a decision based on the information that you have and that you are making a valid decision. It sounds like you spent a good amount of time reviewing what was going on, listening to your child, and deciding what you needed to do in a very challenging situation. And not every parent would have had the confidence or the skills, or the ability to recognize that behavior, listen to their child, set boundaries, and make this decision.

And I think that your child will be very grateful for that. And I imagine that that was extremely difficult to do. I also want to recognize that you pointed out that you felt like this behavior was patterned, intentional, and like there were ulterior motives. And I take that very seriously. And if you have two daughters that you are protecting, it makes sense why you're doing that. Now, I want to say something about the sister-in-law who is still keeping her children around her father.

I think there's a couple of things that could be going on here. The sister-in-law could have been a victim herself, and that could be playing into this. Sometimes that can make people unable to see things because they don't want to. face what happened to them. They don't feel like they can or it's been suppressed or they've been told that it wasn't real. I don't know exactly what the situation is there, but that's something that can happen to people. The other thing could be that many adults do not want to face that their parent could do something like this. And we know that these types of crimes and this type of trauma is most likely to be perpetrated by someone that is within close proximity to the

child, typically a trusted adult or a family member. It's not a stranger on the street that is most likely to engage in this type of abuse. And so these are the people that we unfortunately actually have to be most suspicious of statistically. And I think that that is something that society does not want to admit. When I took on the task of really trying to publicly, like, go to bat for adults who have been harmed by their parents, I noticed a deep, deep level of discomfort among society at large to admit how often children are harmed by their own family members. I think we want to think that it's like this dark figure in the bushes that jumps out and hurts our children. And that is just not backed up by evidence. And nobody wants to look around and say, oh my gosh,

it could be my brother, my uncle, my dad, my sister, my cousin that does this. But there are many of you probably listening to this and many abuse survivors out there who know that it is possible. And our denial that it's not possible is what continues to fuel this crisis and what leaves many children being harmed. And so we need to take this very seriously. But that is one of the reasons and one of the biggest reasons I think why maybe your sister-in-law who also has young children doesn't want to see this. And I don't think that she doesn't want to protect her kids or that she doesn't love them,

but it is really hard to see when it's your own family. which brings us to the next piece about having your children interact with their cousins who are still in contact with the grandparents. This is what I'll say about that. You just need to have a plan and you need to be prepared for the things that can come up here. So if your children come to you and they say, so-and-so still sees grandma and grandpa, why don't we? What's your plan? What are you going to talk about? If something does happen to those girls and they share it with your kids or they start exhibiting

signs, what's going to happen there? Do you think that it might be wise to have them spend time together under supervision? I also understand the desire as a parent and of course you love these children, your nieces, that you also want to protect them and maybe keep an eye on them. So is that, that could be a huge motivating factor for why you want to keep them in your life and why you want them to spend time with your children as well. So could that be a good middle ground is like we spend time together? And I am always around supervising versus them having playdates. And it sounds like these kids are pretty young. You know, I know one of them you mentioned was like two. So I'm sure they're not having unsupervised play dates. But something to think about is just, you know, what are the conversations

is going to be like during these children, with these children, and that's always going to be in flux because the kids are going to get older, new things are going to come up, and new situations are going to arise, and I just think it's good to be equipped and ready to have those conversations. I also think that this might be a great time to maybe work with a family therapist who has experience in the realm of child sexual abuse and grooming. Because there is going to come a time where your children are going to ask about why they don't see their grandparent. And I think that that might be something that you want to handle with a lot of sensitivity and care, much like it sounds like you already are. And so that would be something I would want to discuss privately with someone who knew my unique situation and can help me navigate that with my children and decide developmentally and based on my child's unique temperament and personality. When was the appropriate time to share that information? and in what way, I think relying on very generalized advice like you're going to get from this podcast might not be super helpful or applicable in this delicate and difficult of a situation.

I really appreciate you calling in and bringing light to an issue that I think is so hard to talk about publicly. And I hope that for any of you that have been through this are navigating a similar situation, that this is helpful for you to hear that not only is someone else going through it and you're not alone, but that there are different nuanced ways to handle this. And I hope that everyone, you know, my top priority here, I think, to really bring home is that I hope everyone remains safe. I hope no one ends up being harmed by anyone in the family and that the family is able to navigate this with the utmost care and safety for the children that are involved because that is what's really important here. And it is very, very hard to remain

committed to that in the face of family members who are in denial or who do not believe that these things are possible. So I commend you for that. And it's very, very challenging. Thank you so much for those caller questions. I just wanted to let you all know that if you've been listening to this podcast, I want you to know that we have a membership community for family cycle breakers at Calling Home. You can join and receive expert-led research-back tools designed to empower you. Each month, we focus on a specific aspect of family relationships and provide a worksheet, video, article, and guide every Monday, complemented by weekly support groups. This structured approach means that help arise reliably, offering a manageable way to tackle the complexities of family

dysfunction. And since its inception, calling home has successfully connected over 1,500 adults facilitating meaningful conversations and providing valuable insights. With group meetings that welcome over 40 attendees each week, the platform has become a lifeline for many. It's described by members as saving their lives. My commitment really stems from a genuine desire to ensure that no one feels alone in their fight against family struggles. My expertise is a therapist and my understanding of the emotional landscape allows me to deliver powerful resources to those seeking change. At calling home, the story of transformation has only just begun. The community continues to thrive fueled by members who deeply value their shared journeys toward growth and healing. By fostering

healthy relationships, our cycle breakers are not only changing their lives, but also paving the way for future generations, proving that improvement is not just a dream, but an achievable reality. You can join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at callinghome.com, and I hope to see you in a group soon. Thanks, everyone, and I'll see you next week. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail, and I may pick your question. for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866-2-25-4-66 and leave me a voicemail. I do these

episodes every Thursday and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the Calling Home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets and more. And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health,

advice or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Collingholm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes' terms of service linked in the show notes below.