CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: I'm Not Inviting My Dad To My Wedding

Episode Date: October 24, 2024

In this episode, Whitney Goodman reflects on the first anniversary of the Calling Home podcast and community. She emphasizes the importance of community and shared experiences in navigating complex family relationships. The episode also addresses listener questions with a daughter who doesn't want her father to attend her wedding and an adult who wants to discuss her childhood memories with her siblings. There is also a special discount code in this episode for the Calling Home community. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. www.ca slash ymex. Hey everyone, welcome back to the calling home podcast. I'm Whitney Goodman.

This is another Q&A episode where you call in and I answer your questions. Before we get started, I just wanted to let you know that we have just come up on our one-year anniversary of calling home that includes the podcast and our community. And I wanted to take a moment just to thank you all so much for listening to this podcast and for becoming members of the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. In the last year, we've been able to reach over 500,000 downloads of this podcast. We've had over 700 members breaking generational curses in their families and learning healthier ways of building those family relationships at Calling Home.

And it has been truly such a gift to be able to watch this. vision come to life. This is something that I started talking about in 2022. I was writing on substack, and I noticed that these adult family relationship issues were just so challenging for people. And I was hearing about it in my sessions. And it was really like just all I was talking about during COVID that I realized we've got to find a way to help these people connect and get access to resources. And when I looked around, like, everything was just so focused on parenting young children and parents who, like, are in the trenches with toddlers and babies, and there was nothing to help people out there navigate being an adult with emotionally immature parents or

having issues with your siblings in adulthood or what do I do when my estranged parent passes away. And so calling home was really built out of that need that I saw within my own community. And it's been incredible to be able to see that come to life and to witness what that support looks like in action. We've had over 70 groups of family cycle breakers meet live together virtually over the last year and those groups are truly the best thing about calling home. I can't even explain to you what it's like every week to have people come on, share with one another and talk about how much of a benefit this is in their life. I'm speechless after every group and I wish that you guys could be in there like to see it because I think it's just so hard to understand

what it's like until you've experienced it. But it is a manifestation of this dream that I had for so long that I wanted to introduce all my clients that were dealing with all of these issues because they kept coming into my office and saying like, I'm the only one that's like this. nobody else's family is like this. And in these groups, you learn that you are truly not alone in this experience and that there are so many other people fortunately and unfortunately that feel like you. And at the start of these groups, I've had so many people say, you know, this group has gotten me through the week. This group is what I look forward to. You know, there's always someone that shares that was like, I didn't think I was going to have anything to share today, but then I

heard so-and-so speak, and I knew that I had to jump in and share. I think that this program has really become like a buoy and a lifeline for a lot of people who do not have family that is blood-related to them that they can rely on to share these things with, for people who are looking for chosen family, people who are looking for community. And I know that what we're doing is right because we really never have any issues in these groups. You know, when I started doing groups and I was talking about it with my co-founder, I was like, gosh, I just am like nervous about these groups because I don't know if we're going to have issues of people not getting along or there's going to be disruptions. And I'm telling you guys, it's just been wild to see how

cohesive these groups are that each person that joins, it's like they've been there the whole time. and they're already part of this community. And so I know that our messaging has been good and has been consistent. All I want now is to get this out there more and to connect with more people. So if you know anyone who really needs help navigating issues from their childhood with their family or navigating issues today in their life, calling home is here for you. And in honor of our one-year anniversary. I want to give you all a 20% discount off of any of our memberships. This will be available for the next 24 hours. And the code is Happy 1, H-A-P-P-Y-O-N-E with no spaces. You can use that at checkout at www.callinghome.co and input the code happy 1 for 20% off of any of our memberships,

whether that's the Emotional Home Improvement Association where you get one article per week or the Family Cycle Breakers Club where you get access to those groups that I was talking about plus a weekly article, script, video, and workbook. I am so excited to take this podcast and the community into year two. I have so many amazing ideas that I want to get off the ground. We want to start launching more types of groups, more group times, and really make groups like the foundation of what we do at calling home. This podcast will also be continuing and let's hope we can reach a million downloads very soon. I so appreciate everyone who has called in, love me a voicemail, asked a question, left a review, listened to this podcast even one time.

It means so, so much to me. So thank you very much. get into the episode. I have two caller questions today, one about a daughter who is about to get married and wants to set a boundary with her father about attending her wedding. And the other question is with a caller who wants to know if she should approach her siblings to talk about their childhood. Let's go ahead and get into the first question. Hi, Whitney. Thanks so much for your podcast. I've really enjoyed listening to it and understanding more of my adult parent relationships with particularly my father. I was hoping to get some advice and some feedback on a current situation that I'm at.

I'm currently engaged in going to get married next May. And unfortunately with the events in the past, probably the past, you know, 15, 20 years, my father has always made remarks towards my mom's side of the family or remarks towards me and just always had me ending up in tears when it comes to any important life. events with myself. So after long thinking hard and the amount of anxiety and thoughts I have about going and bringing him into a wedding, especially a small intimate wedding, I think it's best that he does not attend. And so I'm just wondering about how is best to bring that and deliver that message to him, thinking about knowing about the emotional immaturity he may

have and figuring out how to protect myself, but also, you know, deliver news to someone who might not have the emotional capacity to respond in like a respectful way. So I would love any advice or support in any way. And thank you. Okay. Bye. Thank you so much for calling in. It sounds like you've made a decision that makes a lot of sense to me, making the decision that, you know, my father can't be there because he has a track. record of participating in this way. And I'm not really willing or able to take the risk that that could happen again. That makes a lot of sense. I think that when you've made that decision, you have to go into it knowing that I'm making my decision because I know how my dad is. And it sounds

like you have some level of acceptance about that. And I would encourage you to bring that in to how you're going to deliver this news and how you're going to phrase things and interact with him. So I think the biggest thing here is that the boundary needs to be set in a way that is very clear and that makes a lot of sense. So if your decision is to not allow him to attend the event, that needs to be communicated very clearly and succinctly. You know, likely using the language of I have decided that you will not be attending this event. Now, the next step is, do you want to explain why you've come to that decision? And do you think that that will be helpful or not helpful? I don't know if you've had these types of conversations with your parent in the past.

You know, if you've never brought these things up, then it might be wise to say something so that you know that you've been clear and direct and they should, if they are. are willing and able, have some level of understanding about why you're making this decision. Now, you might be in the camp of people that's like, I have explained this to my parent a hundred times and I've told them after every time that they do something like this, why I don't like it and why I don't want to have them there. So this shouldn't be shocking or surprising at all. And if you fall into that group, then you might say, you know what? All I want to do is communicate the boundary and I don't really want to say, you know, all the reasons why I'm doing this

and, you know, put myself out there again. So I think you have some choices there and there's obviously some gray in between of like there's a difference between explaining yourself excessively and not explaining yourself at all. And there's also this middle ground where maybe you explain yourself in a way that is very clear and concise, but not overly detailed or overly colorful in terms of like emotions and feelings, if you know that that's something that they typically don't respond well to. So once you've decided, this is what I want to communicate and this is the way I'm going to communicate it, I think you have to think about how am I going to communicate that? And so without knowing your specific situation and the safety

in this relationship and kind of like the logistics involved in communicating this, I want to give you a couple of options if you can relate to this caller. The first thing you can do is, of course, do this in person. And I think that is, of course, the scenario that has the most risk given the state of the relationship. So does it feel safe to you to meet with this person face to face to explain it to them? What is that going to be like? Do you feel like you can convey your message in a thoughtful and appropriate way that is in line with your values if you did it in person. And do you think that their reaction is going to be something that you want to tolerate face-to-face? The next option is, of course, putting it in writing or doing it over the phone.

So over the phone verbally, you still kind of get that like face-to-face sense. You could also do face time, but without the added pressure of actually being in the same room as this person, because that might not be something that you want to do. The issues that could come up with that, again, is that you are opening the door to having a conversation. There's much more of a back and forth. I think you need to be aware that this person, if they are truly emotionally immature or abusive or controlling or anything like that, that they may try to open the door to discussing this and negotiating the boundary and pushing back on it and that may escalate. So that's something to think about if you can handle that and if that seems like the right choice for you in this

specific situation. Of course, putting it in writing is often the safest and easiest choice because you are able to sit down, gather your thoughts, and convey them in a way that makes the most sense for you. You can review them. You can do it when you're calm and composed. You can have someone else look at them. And I find that this way gives you the most control over the delivery and how it's received and kind of what is put back on you after they receive that information. So again, big range of ways that this could be handled that I think all comes down to how safe is the relationship, how secure do you feel in your ability to convey the message in each of these different ways. And what are some of the pros and

cons or risks of doing it in a certain way. And then I would of course imagine that most people when presented with this information and this type of boundary are not going to feel very good about it. And if they had that level of emotional maturity to understand, wow, this boundary makes sense. I get why they would do this. I empathize with them. You probably wouldn't be in this position where you're having to set this boundary with this person. So I think coming from this place of acceptance for you of like, this is how they are, this is what they normally do. I am not going to expect them to behave in ways that they have never behaved in before.

I'm not going to expect them to suddenly become this like mature, grounded, sensitive, empathetic individual if that is not something that they have done before or shown me before. And if I go in with the knowledge of knowing that I have a lot of experience with this person, I know how they normally act, I know the ways that they typically respond, then I can make the choice for me based on reality and not based on what I'm hoping for. Now, that being said, the fact that you have to set this boundary and have this type of dialogue around some of these more sensitive, big, emotional, happy moments in your life is really unfortunate. And I think you also have to give yourself a little bit of time to, like, come to terms with that reality and the fact that

it really doesn't feel great to be in this position and to have to do this. And that even though you might be making the right choice for you, I think there is grief on both sides of this coin. There is grief in having to accept that this is the state of affairs for you, that this is what has to be communicated in the way that it has to go. There's grief that things couldn't be different. And then there's also this level of peace of knowing that I am getting to create the experience and the day that I want by setting this boundary. And I know that if I don't set this boundary, I likely will not be happy with that outcome either. Thank you again for calling in. I appreciate it. And let's get on to the next caller.

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Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. Hi, Whitney. My name is Rose. I had a question regarding sibling relationships.

So I'm currently 35, and my brother is about nine years older than me, and my sister is about five to six. It's not exact. But I feel like the three of us have had very different relationships. spoke with each other and our parents. You know, we were well taken care of, sent to college, stuff like that, but my parents were very emotionally immature, and, you know, there were issues surrounding their treatment of us and stuff like that.

But my siblings, my brother and sister, were closer and age together than they were with me, and when I think back to, you know, throughout my life as a child growing up, I often feel like I was more of an only child versus that kind of stereotype of being, you know, the youngest child. My brother was kind of out of the house longer than I remember him being in the house. And then my sister was obviously much older and able, you know, to have more freedom that comes with, you know, being a teenager versus, you know, being an elementary school-aged kid. and there was just a lot of things I felt that were missing from my childhood that they got to have my mother went back to work when I was about nine to teach

and my father had always worked so I became a latchkey kid I always had to find my only home when my siblings were living you know in the house I often had to pick up on their chores and other slack if they went out I'd often get blamed for things, being the youngest. Currently, we all live in, you know, different states, and we also talk, you know, and do you think that there's any sense or meaning in trying to have any conversations with my siblings? I feel like it would help me a lot, because I always felt like I was a black sheep, the one that was blamed for everything, and had to just pick up their slack while they got all these privileges.

And I know that's not realistic as an adult, but do you see? any value in having these conversations now as adults to try to patch up and figure out how we all felt as kids and how we viewed our parents, how we viewed each other, those that relationship dynamics. I guess I'm just trying to figure it out and maybe just continue to heal the kid inside of me. Anyway, I love your show and I hope you have a good day. Thank you so much for calling in. I think what you're speaking to here is something that we covered in our adult sibling relationships topic that we have on the website under content. And it's this idea that kids can grow up in the same house and have wildly different

childhoods. And that is often because of a lot of the things that you described, right? So you mentioned these large age gaps between your siblings, different things happening with your parents, having maybe two parents working out of the house versus having one that was staying at home. You and your siblings just having wildly different experience. because your parents were different at that time. You were living in a different world at the time, you know, different norms, different things happening. These things can be different because of gender, you know, the way that your parents relate to you, different things that you trigger in them, birth order, all of these things that you're bringing up can cause siblings

in the same family to feel as if they came from totally different families, even though they were raised in the same home. And this is why I often say, like, it's impossible to raise all your children the same because you are not the same when each of your children are born. And they are being born into profoundly different environments, depending on the time in which they were born. So the oldest sibling is going to have a different experience, the youngest, in the middle, and so on. So to answer your question, you know, should I bring these things up with my siblings? I think that there could be immense, you know, healing and power and closure in doing that. And especially if you haven't had these conversations with your siblings before, you might learn

a lot about how they feel and you might learn a lot about what it was like to be them that could make you feel a lot better about your experience. Because I think sometimes as siblings, we can be very focused on what we didn't get and what they got and vice versa and get so hung up on like this competitiveness between us, especially when siblings are trying to make sense of their childhood and where they fall within the family. And another finding, you know, about sibling relationships is that siblings are really fighting over the same finite resource and that is their parents' time and attention. And in certain families, certain children, sometimes by no fault of their own, you know,

especially when there's illness or disability, things like that, are going to get more attention than other children in the family. And they may come to be resentful of their siblings, especially as children, because they don't have the capacity to understand why the parent is making these choices. And so we can create a lot of these really faulty, you know, schemas and beliefs about our childhood that are so widely dependent on our specific view from our perspective and our role within the family. And I don't say faulty as in they're not true. I say faulty in the sense that they are sometimes very one-sided and only based on specific information that if you had some of the perspectives of your other siblings, it might

kind of round out the picture for you of like, oh, wow, they also felt this way or they were also of having these issues. And, you know, we talked about dysfunctional family roles at Calling Home as well last month. And that is something else that you can maybe look into and talk about with your siblings if they are open to it and if you feel open to it. Is like, what role did all of us play? You know, was one of us the golden child was one, the scapegoat? Or did you feel like you were the hero? Did we kind of alternate between these roles? And not from a sense of blame or animosity towards one another, but really just trying to get to know each other's stories and why you feel the way you feel and what has led to those feelings. And I think our sibling relationships

can be some of the longest lasting relationships in our life if they are handled in the right way. And they are the only people sometimes if you grew up in the same house with your siblings who know what it was like to be in your family. whether that's a good thing, a bad thing, you know, somewhere in between. But having these conversations with them and understanding like, oh, man, maybe they were struggling to or maybe they also felt this way can be helpful. Now, that being said, we often expect that our siblings, because they grew up in our family, to kind of have the same level of emotional maturity that we have and the same level of awareness, and that's not always the case. Some of you are going to have siblings who

are in denial, who are shut down, who are emotionally immature, who are not reflective, because maybe that is the way that they coped with what was going on in the family, or that was the way that they have chosen to approach their adulthood. You know, everyone responds to these things in different ways, and some people decide to go the route of, like, the therapist or or the armchair therapist of like, I'm going to learn everything and investigate everything and talk about everything. And then some people in the family choose to take the route of extreme denial, closure, avoidance. I'm going to avoid everyone in everything. I'm not going to go to therapy. I'm not going to do anything. And often those responses are to the same trigger,

to the same situation in the family, but there are different ways of dealing with it. And one isn't necessarily, quote unquote, better than the other. They both have benefits and they both have cons to them. But if you are the sibling that is like, I want to talk this out, I want to understand, I want to share our feelings, and you have a sibling that is not that way or who doesn't have the vocabulary, the skills, the capability to be that way, they might be rejecting of you when you try to do that. And I think that that can further intensify some of those wounds that you may have from childhood of like my sibling doesn't have my back, they're not there for me, whatever it is. Or if they have a very different perception of your parents, you know, because

that is how they cope with it or maybe that was their experience, that can also be difficult. I've worked with adults who come from family systems where there was a lot of abuse and that could be physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and there is sometimes one sibling that is on the receiving end of a lot of that abuse. That person could be, you know, the scapegoat or the problem child in the family. And then they have a sibling who is the golden child who's a lot like the parent who has learned how to align themselves with that parent. And so sometimes those two siblings can have a lot of trouble connecting because the person, the sibling who has aligned themselves with maybe the more abusive parent or the parent that has been more harmful is doing

that often out of self-preservation. And they may not be totally aware of this, but they've come to find a role in the family by morphing into the person that is causing a lot of the dysfunction. And this is how they can gain safety and security and bonds within the family. And this can make it very difficult for the scapegoated sibling because now they're kind of up against to people that are engaging or more people that are engaging in abusive behavior against them. So without knowing, you know, all the intricacies of your family dynamic, I think that it's difficult for me to say whether this is something I absolutely would do or wouldn't do. But I hope that any of you listening and this caller can kind of reflect on some of the things that I brought up, mainly, you know,

what is your siblings' ability to be reflective, to discuss things with you? Have you ever tried to do this before. What is their relationship like with your parents and how open are they to having these types of discussions? And if you feel like, you know what, I think this is something that I want to try, then I would just start by, you know, really opening the door to the conversation. It doesn't necessarily have to be this big formal sit down right out the gate, but just saying, hey, I've been listening to this podcast or I joined this group called Calling Home or I was talking about it with my therapist and I want to talk about our childhood together. Like, is that something that you would be open to? And then continuing the conversation from there. Thank you again so

much for calling in. I hope that's helpful. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you. with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866 225-5-466 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take

what you've learned to the next level, we do have the Calling Home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets and more. And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks. And I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not

create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.