CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: My MIL Crosses Every Boundary

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

Hi! Today I am sharing my three little epiphanies for the week about love is blind, estranged family members having mental health issues, and why some people will never get help when they're struggling. We also have 2 caller questions. #1 is deciding what kind of relationship she can have with her mother, #2 has a MIL who screams at her and crosses every boundary. Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club: www.callinghome.co/join Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey everyone and welcome back to The Calling On Podcast. I hope you're all having a good week. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. Today is a Q&A episode. So you know the drill. We are going to talk about my three little epiphanies for the week that I also send out in my weekly Monday email newsletter. So if you like any of these and want to hear more, there will be more on that on Monday. And you can sign up for that email newsletter in the show notes. And then I'm going to get into two-collar questions for. today. So I finished watching this season of Love is Mind. I fast forwarded through a lot of it because it got kind of boring. But I noticed that at the reunion and the commentary afterwards that people are really shocked that people don't want to partner together when they have like major ideological differences. And I'm very confused by the shock. It is normal. to not want to be in a relationship with someone that does not share your vision for your life. And I think people are confusing this with being, quote unquote, like, unable to tolerate differences in opinion, but that's not really what it is.

You can tolerate differences in opinion and say, I don't want to be in a lifelong committed relationship with someone that has a completely different vision for their life. because these beliefs and these ideological differences aren't just like things that are in our heads. These are things that dictate the ways that we live our life, how we structure our days, how we raise our children, what we value, what is most important to us. And so if you are a person who is very religious wants to take your kids to a religious service every single week, you want to pray at night, you want the, a religious value system to be taught to your children, you're probably not going to want to create the same life as someone who doesn't want any of those things. Unless you two are going to agree to live completely separate lives in this regard,

you're going to allow them to not be aligned with your kids on that. It's so difficult and even just logistically to think about what your life is going to look like if you don't share that desire. It doesn't mean that you don't tolerate people wanting to raise their children that way or thinking that it's a positive for some people, but you're allowed to say, like, that's not how I want to structure my life. You know, I think if you have a family member that is married to someone of the same sex, you're probably not going to partner with someone that is like vehemently against gay marriage. It would be kind of weird like at family events. And I don't know why you would actively like choose that. And it doesn't mean that you

don't have tolerance for other beliefs. It's just that like that doesn't align with your family structure and how you live your life. Same as like if you are very against a particular type of reproductive health care, you know what I'm talking about, and that that's something that you would utilize in cases where you felt it was necessary, and you have a clear vision of what that would look like, and you have a partner who says, under no circumstances, would I ever utilize that type of reproductive health care? That's going to affect your life. That's going that if anything happens, that's going to affect your journey into potentially having children, and not having children. And so these things are not just about like, quote unquote, tolerating

opinions. It's about like what's my life going to look like if I partner with someone who has these strong beliefs and how is that going to impact my decision making, the choices that I get to make. And it is much better, I think, if you are at least somewhat aligned in these big areas that tend to influence some major events in your life or tend to come up in your daily life. And so the shock around that is a little bit confusing to me because, you know, as a therapist, like I've literally heard people be like, I'm not going to go on a date with him because he likes this movie or he wore sandals or like people cut people off for like the most frivolous reasons. But for some reason, something like this seems like I cannot believe that you wouldn't be.

so tolerant. It's fascinating to me. And I just want to say, like, it's okay if you want to partner with someone that shares your ideology, especially in areas of life that are really going to affect you and the way that you live your life. Second thing I wrote about this week for the Family Cycle Breakers Club was that your estranged family members may have mental health issues, but this isn't always the reason for their estrangement. And so, solely blaming their mental health may actually be how the family is avoiding accountability. And I wrote an article about what happens when your family blames your mental health for the estrangement when that's not really the reason. And so if you can relate to that, definitely go

check out that article. It's in the most recent topic about family and mental health on the website. third thing is and we were talking about this in our calling home group this week on Wednesday is that some people won't get help for their mental health because they don't want to identify with someone in their family who is quote unquote sick and has gotten treatment they would rather suppress and avoid than admit that they need help and you might be that person in your family you might be the person that people don't want to identify identify with, and that can also be very painful. But when we're thinking this month about how mental health and mental illness impact family dynamics, I think that's a big one that

comes up and thinking about what is your family's culture around accountability, treatment, therapy, naming mental health issues as they come up, etc. All right, we've got two caller questions today. Let's go ahead and play that first voicemail. Hi, Whitney. I'm actually calling about a mother-daughter relationship. So my mom, she actually grew up with quite a narcissistic father and a codependent mother. and she and I have actually always been fairly close until recently her father, my grandfather,

passed away a few years ago now, and I feel like over those last few years that he was alive, she almost adopted some of those narcissistic tendencies or traits. And as I actually physically distanced myself from the family, I left. for med school and again for residency training. I started to notice a lot of those toxic behaviors and toxic traits and tendencies and really started to sort of emotionally distance myself as well. I kind of tried to do it a bit nonchalant,

but of course my mom noticed that we went from talking nearly every day to once a week and now we are currently no contact. She essentially does not want to admit any fault to a lot of the trauma that occurred throughout my childhood and will actually make excuses for a lot of it. And I think in my particular scenario, it's a little bit unique just because she was actually a hoarder and quite severely, like if you're familiar with the show at all, it was pretty much to that extent. And so there was quite a bit of neglect there that I'm actually just starting to realize and starting to accept in my adult life of really how bad it was. But she just refuses to really admit to any faults or anything as far as that goes and

will even make excuses like she was trying to protect me or things of that nature. So I guess I don't really have a question, but I just was hoping for some advice or guidance on how to sort of navigate this situation going forward. Thanks. And I appreciate all you do. Thank you so much for calling in and leaving that voicemail. I think that in your, you said I don't really have a question. And I think that in that story that you just told the narrative of your life, like kind of was the question. like, can I have a relationship with my mom? Is it okay that I've ended this relationship with

her? If she's not validating what I experienced or showing any accountability, like, how can I do that for myself? And I think that's what so many people are asking in these types of situations. And so based on what you said, you know, I think that your mom is, not going to admit fault here. She's probably going to continue making excuses until she acknowledges and accepts the struggles that she's having. You mentioned that she is hoarding. It sounds like growing up in your home, like the neglect was visible, just probably by how much stuff was around and how the home was being taken care of. And that can be very overwhelming and stress. for a child. But your parent really cannot meet you further than they've met themselves. And so if she's

not able to say, yes, that was a problem, it's something I need to get help for, it's something I'm working on, and she's not going to be able to acknowledge the impact that it had on you, because it can't have an impact if it's not a problem. So at the root of your call, I'm really hearing the question, can I have a relationship with my mother if she does not acknowledge this, take responsibility, admit fault, or apologize? And that's a tough question to answer. You could have a relationship maybe, but what kind of relationship are you going to have? It's probably going to be emotionally distant. It might be really limited. It might exist on your terms and be quite bounderied. But it will have to start with the acceptance of this is where my mom's at.

This is what she can offer me. And this is as far as she can go right now? And is that enough for me? Do I feel like I'm in a place where I can accept all that she can give? And I think some people would say no. It's way too triggering. How can I have a relationship with someone who is not accountable or apologetic for what they did or doesn't even see it? And there are others that would say, you know, I see my mom as being someone who is quite sick.

and struggling, and I'm going to have this very limited relationship with her where we talk about the weather and what we ate for dinner once a week. And I think that's where you have to decide for yourself, what impact does this relationship have on me? How much is it taking for me? How much is it giving? What can I control? How can I show up in this relationship in a way that makes sense for me. And if my mom never accepts faults, never changes, never apologizes, what will our relationship look like? And I think that a lot of people have a gut reaction kind of when I ask that question of like, if I say to you, your mom's not going to apologize. She's not going to change. What comes to mind after I say that about anyone in your family that you're waiting

for that for. Okay. So if they're not going to do that, what are you going to do? How is your life going to be different? And it sounds like you have a lot of understanding and empathy and awareness of your mom's situation and why she is the way she is. And that's all wonderful. And it can help you get to a place where then you can make a decision off of the behavior that's happening in front of you. and not just on the past or what's lacking, but on what can actually happen and be built today. Thank you so much for calling in. Let's go ahead and get to that next caller. Hi, I'm calling with an issue with my mother-law. We have known each other for 20 years, and she has problems with our boundaries,

specifically with the boundary we've set that my husband is responsible for communicating with her and his family, and I am responsible for communicating with my own. And this came to a head at Thanksgiving this year where she spent about 45 minutes screaming at me about how I don't want her to be happy and I don't want to be a part of the family. and when I'm present, I'm not actually present, and a lot of her hurt feelings about how I have put up walls to protect myself against her boundary crossing and criticism over the years and judgment of our parenting and how we're raising our children.

So I think my big challenge is that I have been doing a very good job of setting boundaries and it is leading to these big outbursts. And I really just don't know what the next step is to protect myself and to maintain the happiness of my husband who wants to have a relationship with her. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling in. This is a tough one. I think there's so much loaded up into this, right? It sounds like you and your husband have worked to maybe set up a system to try to protect you from some of these outbursts,

yet they're still happening and you're still being put in the line of fire. And I know that you probably sounds like you've done a lot of work to set yourself up for success. this area and have tried to like maybe keep things peaceful for the sake of your spouse and the kids that are involved. I don't think that there is a reason that any reason that your mother-in-law could give me why it was justified for her to scream at you and say some of the things that you said that she said. And so I want you to know that if this is the type of behavior that's happening when you go around her. It's perfectly acceptable to say, I don't want to be treated like that. And you cannot speak to me in that way. I don't know anyone that would want to put themselves

in the line of fire like that, especially around their spouse or their children. I guess my first question is, like, what was your husband doing while his mother was yelling at you and saying these things to you. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he wasn't there or he didn't hear it. But sometimes this is about, you know, that you and your husband have to stand as a united front, even against his mother, which is very challenging, but it's one of the only ways to kind of protect that dynamic and that partnership that you have. When you decide to be married to someone in adulthood, I think in a lot of ways you're saying, I am going to be your protector and stand up for you and be the person that is with you in these types of moments, even if that

means protecting you and helping you out with my own family. And so I think that I do have another episode that's called, like, you don't have an in-law partner. You have a partner problem. And this is one of those things I'm thinking about here that, like, you and your partner might need to have another conversation about your mother-in-law and the impact she is having on you, your mental health, and your relationship. Because unfortunately, there are only so many boundaries you can put in place with some people, and they are just going to see those boundaries as something that should be pushed and tested and trampled over. And if you have a person in your life that does not see anything wrong with their behavior after they have criticized

you, had contempt, yelled at you, called you names, and told you, you that you are the reason that they are unhappy. If they don't see any problem with that, no reason to apologize, have a conversation, be accountable. That's a red flag. And that's a moment where you kind of have to step back and get really honest about what you're dealing with here and how this person is showing up to this relationship. And like, there's only so many ways that you can contort yourself in order to be like how this person wants you to be. And I, And I think that when someone gets really upset that they're not allowed to have access to you after you set a boundary with them, that's another red flag.

And you almost have to put this back on yourself. Like, if someone told me that they didn't like how I was treating them, how would I respond? If someone went as far as to not want to talk to me and want to have like an intermediary, wouldn't I think that that was something I should reflect on and that maybe I'm doing something that's hurtful or harmful, like, I know for me, if someone told me that, I'd be like, wow, I want to, I want to think about this. I want to at least consider their perspective. But if you notice that you are constantly being the one that is blamed for how the kids are raised, how your husband is behaving, what you guys do, and he's not being brought into it or anyone else, that's a different

problem that likely isn't rooted, like, 100%. in reality. And so I always suggest that people pause, take a look at yourself. How am I showing up in this relationship? Am I living in alignment with my values? Am I being kind and diplomatic and understanding? And if I feel like, okay, I'm doing all of those things, I feel like I'm really trying very hard. I have some concrete examples. I've checked in with people who love me and care about me that I think, like, have my best interest at heart and would be honest with me. And I come back to this place where I'm like, I am trying everything to make this work. And this person will not stop.

Then it's highly possible that this is about something else. And I know that sometimes mother-in-law, daughter-in-law issues can arise out of a lot of different factors. Jealousy, wanting to be in control, contempt, really. deeply ingrained gender roles, the mother being enmeshed with the son and wanting to continue to have that type of relationship with the daughter-in-law is getting in the way. I have a couple of episodes, one with Janelle Marie about mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws that might be helpful to you as well. Anyone else going through this, I have another one called Surviving In-Laws with Elizabeth Earnshaw. If you scroll back on the podcast, you'll find these. But I really think that managing in-laws

comes back to the couple and really getting very real about who you've got in front of you and what you can possibly do about it. Thank you so much for calling in. I hope that this is helpful for you. And remember that you need to radically accept the person in front of you, control what you can control, and imagine as if they will never change and be surprised if it would they do. If you've been listening to this podcast, I want to share something important with you.

You know how difficult it can be to navigate dysfunctional family relationships. It is so overwhelming and stressful when you're trying to break generational patterns without the right support. At Calling Home, we provide expert support and tools you need to untangle your family dynamics. Our program offers worksheets, videos, articles, and guides every moment. Monday to help you foster healthier relationships every month, all created by a licensed family therapist, me, Whitney Goodman. And we also offer our members unlimited groups every month with other licensed therapists. We have groups for adult daughters with difficult mothers,

estranged family members, estranged adult children, and just general family dysfunction groups. You can sign up for the Family Cycle Breakers Club on our website at callinghome.com, receive monthly content focused on specific topics to help you transform your family relationships. This month, we're talking about how mental health and mental illness impact family dynamics, and join our weekly support groups to connect with other members and share experiences. If you don't take action now, I want you to consider how you might continue feeling isolated, stressed, and stuck in the same patterns. The emotional toll of a dysfunctional family can drain your energy and affect your happiness. Take a moment to imagine a future where you feel empowered,

connected with others who understand your journey, and armed with the tools to create healthier family dynamics. By joining us, you'll have the support to thrive as you break free from generational patterns. I invite you to join the Family Cycle Workers Club today. Visit our website to sign up. I take the first step toward creating the family relationships you've always more. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming

Thursday episode of the Calling Home Podcast. just call 866-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the calling home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets and more, and those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks, and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode.

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