CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: My Mom Doesn't Want a Relationship

Episode Date: July 17, 2025

In this Q&A episode, Whitney introduces a new TV pop culture segment, analyzing dysfunctional family dynamics in reality shows like Real Housewives of Miami and Love Island. She explores cultural expectations around who should maintain parent-child relationships and discusses the shift in generational attitudes toward supporting adult children's choices. Plus, Whitney addresses a caller question about a mother who explicitly states her unwillingness to be close to her daughter. Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles. Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at [phone]⁠⁠ Join the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠ Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhit Follow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft ⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic Positivity⁠⁠ This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome back to the calling home podcast. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. Thanks for joining me this week. Today we have a Q&A episode. I have a longer voicemail and more like complex question from a caller that I'm going to play later. So today I'm just going to be doing one voicemail since it is a longer one. But some of you might have seen that I did a poll on my Instagram stories for calling home yesterday. And it was about potentially doing a TV pop culture segment. I've been doing a lot of videos about dysfunctional family dynamics in TV for TikTok lately. A lot of you have really liked them and over 70% of you said that you'd like to see me do this for the podcast and to do it solo. I had thought about inviting some guests on. Maybe I'll do that later. But for today, we're going to do a little bit of that solo. Something really interesting I saw when I was watching the Real Housewives of Miami is that

there is one person on the show who has been estranged from her father. for a very long time. And it's really interesting to watch how all of the other people on the show like handle this estrangement. You hear a lot of really typical bad advice. Like, it's your dad. You're going to feel so sad when he goes, even though the root of this estrangement is that this person's father kicked them out at the house when they started modeling when they

were a teenager. So it's very interesting to watch all that play out. But basically, she goes on to talk about how. in her culture, her father expects her to always reach out to him and that it is not customary for the parent to reach out. And I think that this is something that we deal with a lot at calling home. We talk about this a lot in our adult children of emotionally amateur parents groups, in our strange adult child group, that there is this sometimes explicit and sometimes unspoken cultural belief within many different cultures. And all.

also this can just be generational, that adult children are responsible for maintaining the relationship with their parent. And it is very normal for the parent to say things like the phone works both ways or you haven't called me or use kind of these like guilt-tripping passive aggressive mechanisms to shame their adult child for not maintaining a relationship with them. And I don't think that I necessarily have, like, a very explicit opinion on this. I think I've seen it work very well in different relationships, depending on the circumstances, right? If you have a parent that is severely ill, is extremely elderly, is struggling with some type of sickness or dementia or Alzheimer's, like, obviously that's going to change the game, right? And you as the adult child

might be responsible for maintaining more of that relationship with them. Now, some of you have parents that are retired, fully capable, they call their friends, they're able to get out and about, like, and they are guilting you and shaming you for not maintaining contact with them. And that can become a really big point of contention, I think, between adults and their parents, particularly for adults who are very busy, possibly working, raising children, trying to manage their own lives, and then they're being saddled with the fact that they bear the full responsibility of maintaining a relationship with their parent.

And so ideally, I think that it is the parent's responsibility throughout the life of that child to build a strong foundational relationship with them so that there is a relationship in adulthood, right? And a lot of parents are playing catch up with their kids because that wasn't built in adulthood. And they're saying things like, oh, you can call me, like in this episode of The Real Housewives of Miami, oh, call me, you're the one that needs to reach out when that parent has abandoned their child over the last 15 years and not maintain a relationship with them. So why should they be the ones to start now? It doesn't really make sense. That being said, I think that it is much healthier and advantageous to have

clear discussions around this. What are the expectations? How often would you like to be speaking every week. What does it look like for each of us to play a part in maintaining this relationship? Are there different ways that we can maintain this relationship, whether that's through sending each other, emails, voice notes, having a shared photo album, texting. It's not just that having phone calls is the only way that we can maintain this relationship. But I do think that with the advent of all this new technology, like all the things that I just listed, both parties can play a role in maintaining the communication. And sometimes this thing like the phone works both ways.

You should call me if you want to talk to me. Why aren't you reaching out is an easy way for a low effort or neglectful parent to put the onus of responsibility back on their adult child. And this is when I would say that it is much better if you actually want to speak with your adult child to say things like, I would love to talk to you more. is there is there a way that works for you is there a type of communication that would be helpful for you versus saying oh good to see you been a while you're a stranger now and making all of these passive aggressive comments because i think a lot of the time underneath that is a need right

is a desire to have more contact to engage with one another more and so instead of saying that can you explicitly name the need and for the adult children in this situation, what does your ideal amount of contact looks like with your parent? Are there certain forms of communication, certain frequency that feel better and more appropriate for your relationship in this season of life? And I think that's what's really important to remember is that these are not fixed realities. And sometimes we have to adjust to the fact that we are going to have much more frequent or intense communication during certain periods of life because of the circumstances and less communication doesn't always mean

that the relationship isn't strong, that things aren't good, that the person doesn't like you, but sometimes it is just the nature of life and what is going on in that person's life. So I'm curious if you have seen this episode, I think it was like episode three of the new season at Real Houseways of Miami. And if you saw this moment, I'm going to post some screenshots of it on my Instagram today when this episode goes up. But I think it's really fascinating that these types of dynamics are being shown and named on television because I think they're very common, especially among different cultural groups. And I find that that dynamic is really shifting. So let me know in the comments on this episode on YouTube or Spotify, like,

is this something that you're dealing with in your family and how have you dealt with it? The other thing I wanted to talk about is that this season of Love Island, USA, just ended. And my husband and I got really into watching it every single night. I think that show is one of the only things that has, like, distracted me from what's going on in the real world and in my life in such a profound way. And it's kind of nice to just, like, check out every night and watch that. I am missing that distraction in my life. But for those of you that watch on, I think it was like the third to last episode, they had a family episode, okay? And all of these people's family members like came to visit them. And a lot of them had their parents there, siblings there, etc. And this show is definitely like these adults are doing things that like those parents would probably not want to see their kids. doing. They're on a reality show. They're in bathing suits all day. And I thought it was so

fascinating, especially given what I do, to see how a lot of these parents reacted to their kids, adult kids, participation in the show. And most of the adults on the show are between the ages of like 21 and 27, right? So these are young adults. And their parents were all like willing to come out there, see them and express like a deep amount of pride and happiness and like they were really like excited about what their kids were doing. And I don't know if any of these parents had necessarily like dreamt of this for their kids or like what they thought of it. But I was amazed at the parents and these are parents all from a variety of cultural, ethnic, racial background. Right. It's a very diverse cast and how much.

many of the parents were able to, like, articulate that pride and support, and I'm sure that some of them maybe were pushing aside their own wants or beliefs about what their adult children should be doing at this age. But this was such a shift for me and such a stark, like, obvious comparison to the population that I tend to work with where these adults are being exiled from their families because of a difference in religious affiliation or because they married someone outside of their culture or because they didn't get the right job. And I just found it so fascinating that the parents of this group of people were able to like go and show support. And a lot of them had been watching the show. And I don't know if this is just like a specific microcosm of the

population that goes on this show. But my husband and I found ourselves. watching this and being like, imagine doing this and like having parents, you know, and I saw some TikTok videos about that as well that people are like, oh my gosh, just imagining my parents watching me on the show sends like chills down my spine. And I wanted to bring this up just to like hear what you guys thought because I don't know if this is a generational thing. I don't know if it's a shift. Like I'm significantly older than a lot of the people on this show. But what do you think? Like, what do you think your parents would be like if you went on Love Island? Would they come and visit you? Would they send you letters of support? Do you think proud is one of the words

that they would use? And it really goes to show like the lengths that parents can go to to maybe put aside their own desires and judgments and criticisms and like plans for their children in support of what their kid has chosen for their life and their ability to, like, show up and be there. And I thought it was pretty cool and interesting. I would love to hear what you guys think about that. All right. So that is the conclusion of my, like, TV pop culture segment this week.

I probably won't do this every Thursday, but I'll do it as things come up. If there are any shows that you want me to talk about more in depth, leave a comment on this episode. on Spotify or YouTube, send me a DM and let me know I am happy to watch whatever and cover it. Before I play this voicemail and we get into the Q&A section of the episode, I wanted to remind you that we are talking about narcissistic family systems all month at calling home. I have been blown away by the response to this topic and we've had so many new members join

and our groups have been like really big and involved and just wonderful. And I sent out an email recently about some of the upcoming topics that we have. as you know, we cover a different topic every month inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. And with that topic, you get a new article worksheet video and script every Monday deliver to your email and it's also all stored on the website. You get access to our entire content and course library as well as unlimited support groups every month and Q&As with me that are both live and recorded. We also get book recommendations. therapy recommendations, all of that good stuff. But the support groups I think are really like

the best reason to join. And over the last couple of weeks, people have said things in our support groups like this group has saved my life. We have had members coming on their birthday because they said that's where they wanted to start their day was with the people in that group. I know we've had people tell me that this group has been the most valuable tool in their healing. I had a previous member email me the other day saying that they no longer were renewing their membership because they had been able to solve things in their family because of the tools that we offer and because of the groups at calling home. So if you're thinking about joining, our memberships last either six months or a year. You only pay one time and then you get either six month or

yearly access and it's really cost effective. You're paying either $150 or $240 for six months or 12 months. So that comes out to about $22 to $25 a month for unlimited support groups, new content every week, all the courses I've ever made, and the entire previous content library, which I think we have maybe around like 24, 25 different topics already up on the website. The next topics that we have coming up, so if you were to join the Family Cycle Workers Club today and get access to the narcissistic family systems content this month in July, then we're going to start talking about family secrets, sibling rivalry, chronic illness and health conditions in the family, adult children of emotionally immature parents, all of those topics are coming

up over the next six months as we wrap up the year. And then always in December, we focus on holidays, spending time with dysfunctional family, and starting a new year while dealing with these types of family issues. You can join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at callinghome.co. Oh, and if you like this podcast and if this podcast has been helpful to you, I am confident that our groups and content on the site will help you even more. All right. Let's go ahead and get to that caller voicemail. Hey, Whitney. I just recently started listening to you not too long ago because my therapist actually had recommended that I dive into all of your different podcasts and I have been and they've been helping me a lot. I've been struggling a lot lately. My mom and dad are, they live across the country now.

So if I want to back it up a little ways, like my mom has always been very controlling of my dad. He just does anything, she says pretty much. And there was some physical abuse growing up, a lot of emotional. And then when I graduated high school, I felt very abandoned because they rented my room out. so I'd have to stay on the couch, and then throughout high school there I was threatening to send me to my aunt's house. And then after I graduated, a year later, they moved down to Wyoming, and they lived down there for a while, so they were about 12 hours away. And then halfway through a divorce that I was going through, they ended up moving across the country after they had stated that they were thinking about moving closer to me. And they helped me through my divorce for part of the time until they said, can't you.

just put it on a credit card and he promised me they'd help me and so once again abandoned and a lot of real just emotional like just emotional abuse where just things like he says was just not very kind and a lot of confusing I have really confusing relationship because she'll lie about stuff and then she'll pit people against each other and when I left my ex I actually thought that he was narcissistic and as I well I believe he is and as I started going through that process. I later saw that my mom and her sisters were also. So they later moved down

to Alabama and that's where she's from. And I hope this doesn't cut me off because I feel like I'm talking a lot. So me and her have had a very strange relationship since I got divorced because I see what she is and I really don't like it in my life.

My daughter recently even got in the fight with her because she made some real underhanded remarks to her. and then we've just had a hard relationship because I want to have a close connection and she does not she literally told me the other day that she's not going to be the mom to call me every day

she's not going to be the mom to go on vacation with me like that's not her and so that's been a hard thing to swallow where I crave to be able to have my mother in my life and so I got breast with my dad recently because I found out he had Facebook and, of course, he won't be on there with his kids. And then, so I got pressure with that, and I reached out to them and told them that again because it feels like all we ever do is fight.

And they don't just hear me, like, they don't ever. And when I told them I wasn't coming to Alabama, they got upset, my mom got upset because I didn't want to go to Alabama because I just don't really want to be put through that when our relationship kind of stopped right now anyway. and of course she just wants this to your grandkids even though she never calls them and lets us a holiday or their birthday so I said no we're not going to come there this summer

and we ended up to go on vacation with my brother and so that's the Facebook thing so after that I noticed their shift in my aunts and they all unfriended me on Facebook and that hurt a lot and not that we even communicated that much it's just more the approach they didn't talk to me they just did

this and I know it's because my mom is talking crap about me so my grandpa just died now and I struggled so hard with what do I do I go there do I not I had therapy about it too and I was like I don't know what to do I finally decided that I'm going to ask her if she needs anything and I did and she said she needs a hug and then I said well I need to go to have a conversation with you before I get on a plane I said I found a plane ticket will you call me and she said about what and I said I don't want to make this hard. I don't want to get in a site. I literally just want to have a quick conversation with you and then I'll feel safe to get on a plane. And she's like, oh, you're always safe and you're always loved and welcomed and everything else. And I said, I don't feel

welcomed. And I asked her to call me and she never did. And that was heartbreaking. So I never actually got on that plane. I never went to my grandpa's funeral, which is actually going to be in a couple hours. And it's hard for me to figure out how to navigate this because everything is such a, just a complete mind game all the time. And then with my aunts, too, I don't want to go there ever again with the way she told my aunt, who knows what about me. But that's what they do. That's what they all do down there. So that's my story. I hope that you can help in some kind of a way. I appreciate you for seeing me. So thank you so much. Thank you so much for calling in and sharing your story with me and leaving that voicemail. I took some notes while you were speaking because

There's a couple of things that I want to touch on. The first thing I want to say is I'm sorry because it is so incredibly painful and awful to hear that from your parent. And we've been talking about this a lot more, especially in our estranged adult child's group at calling home that there is a subset of adults who are estranged from their parents that did not in, initiate the estrangement. It was actually more of the parent who is the one that is pulling back, maintaining the distance, and ultimately leading to their not being a relationship. And it sounds like that's what's going on here with your mom. Like she's being honest. She's saying the quiet part out loud. She's saying, I'm not going to have a close relationship with you. I'm not that kind of mom. She's basically telling you, you know, to your face, stop trying. And that is,

extremely hurtful and painful and not at all, I think, what any person deserves or wants to hear from their parent. It does sound like throughout your life, there have been many moments of abandonment from your parents. And so when you experience that as a child and when you feel that, that's getting re-triggered in adulthood again. that pain is typically like tenfold because it's not new. It's something that you experienced as a kid, as a teenager, and now as an adult. And there can be a part of you that's always hoping that like it's going to get better. They're not going to do that. They're going to choose you. And then to see that other people in the family have been recruited probably under false pretenses into that like line

of thinking and they're doing passive aggressive things like unfriending you on Facebook and not speaking to you, like that's even more painful because it can feel like you didn't get to control the narrative. Someone else is getting to decide how you are perceived and it doesn't feel good, especially if it's based on a lie or false things about you as a person. I think that you are in a stage of greased and acceptance right now, that your parent is telling you what they can and cannot do for you, that they can't be close to you, they can't be emotionally vulnerable, They can't understand how you're feeling or like sit with you and listen to any of those grievances. Your mom not calling you, not speaking to you before your grandfather's funeral, I think is a way to

maintain that position of like, you're the problem. Look, you didn't come to the funeral, whatever it is. But she's telling you through her actions what she can and cannot do. And so I think this is a really hard moment where you have to. look at it at face value and not read into things and question like well maybe it means this or it means that that like she means what she says if she says she can't be that kind of mom if she says that she's not going to call you back like that is what she's doing and can you have a relationship with a person who acts like that towards you you said something about like how she kind of acts that way

towards your children as well wanting you to come visit but not putting in any of the work to actually be a grandparent or to form a relationship and a bond. And it just makes me wonder, like, why would anyone spend money and time and effort to go visit people that are unkind to them and that tell them point link to their face? I'm not going to try to have a good relationship with you. Like, you wouldn't do that with anybody. The only reason you're doing it with this person is because they're your mother. You can get trapped in this fantasy that, like, if you just go visit, if you just go on vacation,

if you just do this, that they're going to change. and you're going to have this better relationship with that. And I think that without any difference in behavior, without any actual change, this is the moment where you have to be like, what is my mom telling me? What is she doing? And what does that all add up to? It adds up to a reality that my parents don't want to have a relationship

in adulthood. And I know that this sounds really like blunt. and crass, like to say it so point blank that way. But I do think that some adults need to hear this because sometimes you keep like jumping back in to the fire, expecting not to get burned and you're going to again because they have not changed anything about themselves. They haven't taken accountability for how they're treating you.

In fact, she's just doubling down on it. And so this is where I think you have sort of this moment where you have to ask yourself, can I maintain a relationship with a mom who treats me this way and who did not want to be close to me and who is telling me that who doesn't seem to have the capability to do it. Do I want that? Is that enough for me? Is that going to be okay for me? Or am I ready to start grieving the reality that my parent is not the parent that I want

or deserve. And that doesn't make me unlovable or a bad person. But it certainly gives me the right as an adult to protect myself for further harm. Thank you so much for calling in and leaving that voicemail. I wanted to let you all know that if you want to send me a voice note using like your iPhone or whatever, you can email them to me. It's a lot easier than calling in on that number. You can email Whitney at callinghome.co. And just send over a voice note that you record on your phone, and that way you don't have to call the number, and you can record a little bit longer. A voice notes, typically that voicemail kicks you off at around like two minutes.

So I hope to hear from all of you soon. Let me know what you think about the TV pop culture segment of this episode. And I hope to see some of you in a group at Calling Home soon. Remember, you can join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. C.O. Thank you. And have a great rest of your day. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice,

or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist patient or other treatment relationship between you and Collingholm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes Terms of Service linked in the show notes below. Thank you.