CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: My Parent Is Distant. Should I Cut Them Off?

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

In this Q&A episode, Whitney speaks to 2 callers. Caller 1 has a distant parent who doesn't invest much in their relationship. Should she cut them off, or is this just another estrangement fantasy? Caller 2 is a new parent who is worried about messing up his kid. This is the pep talk you need if you can relate. Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club: www.callinghome.co/join Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pumpkin is here at Starbucks, and we're making it just the way you like. Handcrafted with real ingredients like our real pumpkin sauce and rich espresso, sprinkled with pumpkin spice. It's full of real flavors you'll keep coming back for, made just for you at Starbucks. That's working. Hello, and welcome to The Calling Home Podcast. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. As always, so excited to be here with you today.

I want to give you a couple of updates before we dive in to this Q&A. episode. We are going to be starting a new month of content at Calling Home for the month of February. And we're going to be talking about how our family dysfunction impacts our romantic relationships. And I understand how frustrating and painful it is to feel trapped in cycles that hold you back from the love that you deserve. And we know that so many adults feel burdened by the emotional weight of repeating hurtful patterns in their family. Maybe you're scared that you'll end up hurt just like your mom or in another destructive relationship, like the one that they endured as a child.

Calling home has helped thousands of adults gain insight into their relationship patterns, leading to more secure and loving connections. And it's inspiring to see how our community transforms once each of our members finds the clarity and support that they need in the Family Cycle Breakers Club. What sets calling home apart is that our resources are researched-backed and created by me, a licensed marriage and family therapist with a decade of experience. And this makes breaking generational patterns approachable and effective. We know that finding a trustworthy and effective resource is critical in your journey

toward healthier relationships, and calling home is that resource. By joining the Family Cycle Breakers Club this February, you are taking a significant step towards breaking free from hurtful patterns and finding true love in your life. So you need to stop and ask yourself this question. Are you ready to invest in building the relationships that you truly deserve? And if your answer to that question is yes, then I hope that you'll join me for four weeks of content and groups about finding the love you deserve after being raised in a dysfunctional family. If you're ready to take the next step, I will put the link in the show notes, or you can visit

callinghome.c.o to join us this month. All right, let's go ahead and dive in. We've got a Q&A episode here, and today, as always, I am going to answer two caller questions and give you my honest feedback about their dysfunctional family relationships and their family dilemma. that they're facing. Let's go ahead and get to the first caller. Hey, Whitney. So I've got kind of a complex question for you, but I'm hoping that you can provide some insight anyways. When you feel kind of stuck, or I guess, for lack of better word, in freeze mode, on what to do with a parent relationship that's been stringed for quite some time, and you're just not sure or kind of avoid the conversation that needs to be had,

I guess, how to stop being in that loop. I find myself in my head trying to think out ways that, like, I'm going to approach my parents, specifically the situation, who just has been distant and a workaholic and wrapped up in his own life for a very long time. and my stepmom, unfortunately, is also kind of in that same emotionally immature dynamic where they both do tend to get very defensive. And because it kind of seems like they're together on most of the things that they agree with, talk about whatever, it's on the one relationship with my dad.

So I guess I kind of get overwhelmed in thinking about how I want to approach him with a conversation and just let him know that, you know, if this dynamic continues of minimal contact and when we do speak to one another, it's very surface level, a quick, how are you, oh, good, you, okay, goodbye kind of thing. If it stays that way, I'm not interested in keeping a relationship. I also have grandchildren and he doesn't phone them on their birthdays. He doesn't ask about my kids, how they're doing in school, ask for photos, and sometimes just doesn't even respond when I reach out with a funny video or something of them. So I've been wanting to have this conversation for a long time and just say that I'm not interested in

continuing the relationship if it's going to be this minimal of effort. But again, I just get stuck. I get stuck and I overthink it and then I don't. I avoid. So any help you could provide on this would be great. Thank you. Thank you so much for this wonderful question. I was taking some notes while this caller was speaking because I want to make sure that I don't miss anything here. But let's start first with the freeze and avoiding a conversation that needs to be had as she phrased it that way. I think it's totally common and normal to get stuck in this freeze reaction when we have something big that we want to do or say because we are worried about what the reaction is going to be. Right. And sometimes being in that intermediary,

like purgatory phase can feel better because there's still hope and potential that things could change or be different. And we're wondering like, okay, maybe if I just plan it a little bit better or I do X, Y, and Z thing that when I say this, it will work out. And that feeling of like potential hope versus the solid like awareness that this relationship is over or cannot improve can sometimes feel a lot better. Now that being said, I'm going to offer a little bit different of a perspective here than you may have heard other places. And not all of you are going to agree with what I'm going to say here, but I'm finding this pattern coming up a lot in our groups at Calling Home, where there is a distant surface level relationship

between the parent and the adult child, right? And very similar to this caller where the parent is not showing any interest. They are not asking questions, showing up. It's just like, hey, hi, who are you, whatever. And I want to validate how painful that type of relationship is. It is very, very normal to want your parent to be interested in your life. And it feels uncomfortable when they are not, right? When they don't want anything to do with you or seem to care. And you can almost start enacting a lot of these like childlike behaviors and fantasies of getting their attention, because that's really all we want as kids, and it's what drives a lot of our behavior is getting our parents' love and affection and attention. And when that's happening in adulthood, I think some of the

same patterns that can come up. But here's the coffee on. I'm noticing that a lot of you guys want to tell your parents that you don't want a relationship with them anymore when you have this type of relationship where they're like already isn't a relationship. And it's kind of reminding me of sometimes what happens in breakups of romantic relationships where people want to be the one to end it because they think that it will feel better. It will be more empowering and it won't be as painful. I think that could be true for some of you, that this is the way that you find your power and your agency and you state this and you end the relationship and you feel like, okay, we're good. But I think for a lot of you, that's not actually what's going on here.

I get the sense that for some of you, you're hoping that by telling your parent that you have a surface level relationship with, that you want to end the relationship because it doesn't feel fulfilling to you that it's going to be a wake-up call for them. And they're going to be like, No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to try harder. I'm going to show interest in you. I'm going to try to have a relationship. And that somehow by taking this really firm stance that is going to feel threatening to them, like you're going to lose me completely, you're going to wake them up. And I could be putting words in your mouth, but it's something I want you to consider is like, what is driving this? because the truth is, if you have a surface relationship with a parent, they're not contacting you, they're not really reaching out, they're not showing interest, not much is going to change

if you end the relationship with them. Let's think about, like, if you tell them, I don't want a relationship with you if it's going to be like this. And they say, okay, then I don't want a relationship with you because I can't be any other way than this. What is going to change? What are you solving here? How is this going to feel different for you? And let's totally remove that fantasy that you initiating this cutoff changes anything. And instead they just say, well then I'm done and they walk away. What is that doing for you? Is it letting you feel, like, okay, now I really know, like I called them out on their behavior and now I know that they don't want a relationship with me. Is it letting you feel right, letting you feel like I knew,

I knew they weren't going to pursue me? Is it allowing you to feel like, okay, now I can put this away in a little box and say, now I know that when my parent isn't reaching out to me and isn't showing interest, it's because I told them not to contact me. And I just, I'm just thinking out loud here. I can't tell if this will be true for you, but I'm just wondering if you're trying to like beat them to the punch to make it hurt less. And then if actually this is less about going no contact or becoming estranged and more about acceptance for you as the adult child that this is really painful that my parent doesn't want a deeper relationship with me and that they're not trying to connect with me or my children or their grandkids and that I don't want the relationship

to be this way and it doesn't feel that great. And if I matched their energy, we probably wouldn't have much of a relationship. And is that actually the next step versus is you saying, I don't want a relationship with you. I'm cutting you out of my life because I think that you're hoping for something different from that. Is the next step instead just saying, I think I'm just going to match what they're doing. I think, as Mel Robbins says in her book and in her podcast lately, like, I'm just going to let them. I'm going to let them act the way that they've been acting towards me. And I'm going to match that. And I'm going to show up in the way that they're going to show up. And that's going to be the extent of our relationship. And that might

mean that you actually do become estranged and you stop speaking to one another because you're no longer doing the heavy lifting. But I wonder if you're trying to avoid that pain by just cutting them off and then being able to say they're not reaching out to me because I cut them off. instead of they're not reaching out to me because they don't care. They're not reaching out to me because they don't know how to connect to me with me. They're not reaching out to me because they don't want to. And I think that probably feels so much more painful than saying, well, they can't reach out to me because I cut them off. And that's empowering in this way, right? Where I understand why that feels more empowering. But at the end of the day, no matter who,

who stopped speaking here, no matter who pulled away first, who set the boundary. It is painful that your parent is not showing interest in your life. It is painful that they do not want to connect with you, that they don't want to know who you are as a person. That is painful. It is painful whether you cut them off or not. And some of you will listen to this and say, no, but I still want to like embody my power and my authority as an adult and tell them this is not the relationship that I want to have. And you can do that. But I think there's some of you here listening to this today that might take a second and think maybe I'm trying to avoid some pain by doing this. And maybe this isn't actually going to help me avoid any pain at all.

maybe it's just going to cause more conflict and drama and strife for me without actually changing anything about the dynamic and maybe I can pull away and I can live my life exactly how I want to live it and heal from this pain without taking this step that I am expecting to save me. And I know there will be pushback on this from some people that say, well, why should I continue having relationships that are not fulfilling to me? And why should I have relationships with people that don't care about me? You don't have to. I think it's all about how you handle it. And what's actually going to lead to the most peace for you is matching their energy, pulling back, healing on your own, letting them engage with you in the way they can,

to bring you more peace, or is it going to bring you more peace to call them up and say, you don't care about me, I'm cutting you out of my life, and I don't want to speak to you again? Which version feels more authentic for you and feels like it's actually going to be the thing to bring you peace and calm and a resolution for the pain that you're feeling? I don't know. I can't answer that for you. But I think there's something to be said about, feeling like I don't want to have this conversation. I can't get myself to have it, especially in a situation where you've got a parent or a family member who is not actively pursuing you. They're not violating your boundaries because they don't show up. They don't try to

talk to you. And in that situation, when I'm working with someone on that, I'm less concerned about telling them how you feel and making them change. And I'm more concerned about you feel. You feeling okay with that reality? When I have a situation where there is a parent who is constantly encroaching on an adult child space and making it impossible for them to live their life because of their behavior coming into that space, then I want to look at that. But in this situation, I want to focus on how are you feeling? What are you doing? What are you going to do to make your life easier to live? And are you maybe still engaging in a fantasy that if I cut my parent off in this big way, they're going to change. And they're going to show up more. And they're

going to say, no, no, no, no, no, please let me stay in your life. I want to. I'm going to show up better. Because sometimes that can be the fantasy that's coming with estrangement. So just something to think about. Thank you so much for that call. I really appreciate it. And let's go ahead and get to our next caller. With AMX Platinum, access to exclusive AMX pre-sale tickets can score you as a our track side. So being a fan for life turns into the trip of a lifetime. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Pre-sale tickets for future events subject to availability and vary by race. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at amex.ca.com. Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child

can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes. Light the path to a brighter future with Stellist lenses for Myopia Control. Learn more at SLOR.com and ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. Hi, Whitney. Thank you for the content that you put out and the groups that you run. I've attended one so far and it was scary, but very validating. So again, I appreciate the work that you do. I'm calling in a little bit of a different question for you than your usual, it seems. I am a fairly new father. My son's 10 months old now. And I grew up with emotionally immature parents, as well as siblings who are enmeshed with line of thinking. And so being a new father, obviously hitting a lot of triggers, new triggers, new triggers,

triggers that get my system dysregulated. And I am currently in therapy to work through at least ones that are most problematic right now. I know this is going to be a for as long as my, I'm still alive. My son will find new ways to trigger me. Trying to be preventative about that, knowing that it all ties back to my own upbringing. what else can I be doing outside of my therapists to figure out my triggers are ahead of time so that way my son doesn't have to experience them in the moment and then me trying to struggle or struggling with trying to repair the relationship. I very much want to get ahead of it

in order to be a great father and then the father that I wish I had. But also, so that way, you know, it's less bumpy when it comes to my relationship with my wife because she's a great mother and I often feel like my own triggers are affecting my relationship with my son and then ultimately reflecting my relationship with my wife too. And so I want to do as much as possible to just get ahead of it. And yeah, I just want to get your take on it. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling in. And thank you for calling in. And thank you for for coming to our groups at Calling Home, I want to share for anyone that heard him say, like, it was scary. I think that going to a new group with strangers that you don't know,

especially about a topic like this, can be very scary. And if you've ever felt unsure about it, that you know that you can just come and listen and hang out, I would say most people, you know, come to like three or four groups before they share just to kind of get their bearings, or maybe they never share and that's okay you can still get a lot of benefit just from coming and listening and I do think they're just like one of the most welcoming spaces that I've ever been in as a therapist so I'm really grateful for this caller for coming and and utilizing that as well. I want to give this caller a message and this is going to be a message that I need to hear a lot of the time and a message that probably any parents need to hear.

that is that you are clearly trying very, very hard. And I can relate to you on such a personal level, you know, as a therapist that works in this space, I am so, so hyper aware of everything, right? Of all the ways that I could be setting my kids off, influencing them negatively. You know, it's just like it's part of the job you know kind of like when you're a medical doctor and certain illnesses you think they're happening to you and you start to kind of have health anxiety etc that being said your awareness is the number one thing that you need to give yourself the security that you are not engaging in things the same way that the people before you you did. Because people who are aware are paying attention, they're awake, they're noticing,

they're not perfect, but they know what's going on. And that's what our kids need. Our kids need us to be able to say, I can make mistakes, I'm going to make mistakes, I am not perfect, and I am always trying to be better for you, for my unique child that is in front of me. And this is where repair comes in as being the most valuable skill that you can learn and the best muscle to constantly exercise, not only as a parent, but as a partner. You know, this caller brought up their partner as well. And I think that when you know that you can make mistakes, you're a human being who is going to mess up, then you learn that when I mess up, I apologize, I take accountability, I try to do

better and I make a plan for the future. And when you do that, you make less mistakes. The mistakes are smaller and not as impactful or overwhelming to your children or to your marriage. And you are able to learn as you go. And when you do that, your children learn that, okay, my parent messes up, but they always have my best interested heart. They apologize. They take feedback from me. they try to get better. They're interested in how I feel. And they want to be a good parent to me, the unique human being that I am. And what I hear some in this caller's voice and in a lot of the parents that join calling home, and I think I hear this from myself sometimes, is that like, you're so desperate to not mess up and to not mess up in the ways that had such a profound impact

on you that you put this immense pressure on yourself to be, perfect and to show up in a way that is not going to harm your child at all. And I think that's where we all have to kind of just call it a day and say, no child makes it out of childhood unscathed by something, right? And a lot of those things are not their parents' fault, but their parents have to take accountability for how those things impacted the child, what their experience was like and how they recovered from it as a family. And so if you adopt this motto for yourself and for your family that we are a family, we make mistakes, we always try to do better, we always try to learn and recover, we listen

to each other, and we take into account that everybody in this family is going to have different perspectives about different events. and I as the parent am not the authority on how everyone feels and interprets the situations that our family goes through. And so every time we go through something as a family, myself and my partner can make space for understanding and learning about everyone's perspectives, and then we can react accordingly. We can make room for everybody's feelings. We can talk about what we could have done better.

we can talk about how we all have different perspectives, and we can build a culture in our family of listening to each other, learning about different points of you, apologizing, taking accountability, and improving. And if you are a person that is saying to me, I'm in therapy, I want to learn about my triggers, what can I do better? I know that your kid sees that. I have no doubt in my mind that your child feels some level of safety with you. Now, of course, there is always this point of self-reflection and accountability that we do have to revisit from time to time and say, I may be going to therapy and I may be listening to podcasts and calling, but you know what? I keep screaming at my kids every time I'm stressed from work. And I keep yelling at them.

It's happening multiple times a week. And so even though I'm trying, I got to be a lot of to try harder. I got to do something different about this. I have to take responsibility that this is my thing to fix and I need to do something different on my way home from work, whatever it is. But we have to have this balance between I'm trying and I'm learning and maybe this is getting out of control over here and I need to reel it in and I need to do better because the truth is that all the effort in the world and, you know, a lot of you have had parents that have said, tried really hard, and they might have tried really hard. But that doesn't mean that it led to the result that we needed it to. So how can we have this really delicate balance of

compassion for ourselves, compassion and understanding that we're going to make mistakes, and also deep, deep accountability that we're going to hold ourselves to a higher standard? And we're going to be continuing to try to get better and improve as the data and the feedback changes in our families. Because there is no point in time where your child is any age and this caller's child is very young. You know, you're starting this out. And I imagine that this feels very scary and like you're looking up a mountain of being like, oh my gosh, what could go wrong between now and the time that I get to the top of that mountain. and it's terrifying, especially if you went through childhood trauma or have a very dysfunctional

family. But you have to tell yourself that each stage of life with my child is going to bring new challenges, new opportunities for growth, new moments for me to fail, and new moments to be held accountable. And the second that I feel like maybe I'm not being challenged anymore, or like, I've got this in the bag or I'm doing this perfectly, things are going to switch up and you're going to have to try again and learn. And I think as long as we take that approach that this is never finished, it's never done. It's a challenge. It's fun. It's exciting. I'm always learning. I'm always growing. I'm always getting to know myself as a parent in this stage, my strengths and weaknesses and getting to know my child. We can look at this more as a fun

experiment and a journey and a process rather than something to be totally mastered and to never mess up in. Because when we get into that headspace, it's easy to feel like you're always failing to get stuck and then guilt and shame and defeat take over and you cannot learn and grow from that place. So for any parents who are parents of very young children that are just starting out this process, I hope that you can see that as you climb the mountain. and for those of you that are further along in this process, I hope you realize that it's never too late to start trying to learn and be different and think about what it would have been like for you, for your parent to pause at any point in time and say, I'm ready

to do this differently and how wonderful that could have been. Thank you so much for calling in. I really appreciate it. And thank you again for listening to this episode. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday, and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the calling home community.

You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get it. access to worksheets and more and those groups are run by me so we can actually meet and you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the family cycle breakers club. Thanks and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship

between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.